Chapter 2: Airtravel Sucks

_____________________________________________________________
 

Steph drives the car with one foot on the gas, one foot on the side of her seat to keep her balance and no foot on the brakes. She's taking those turns likes there's no tomorrow (and there might not be at this rate), and racing lights at warp drive (I don't think cars have warp drive). Val and Xel are piled in the front, and Xel, for once, looks like he actually fears for his life.

Xel: You don't have a driver's license, do you? ^_^::::

Steph: ::distracted:: Nope.

Xel: Ah ... Steph-chan ... ^_^::::

Steph: ::still distracted:: Yeah?

Xel: There is such a thing as a brake, you know. ^_^::::

Steph: ::revelation dawns:: Oh.

After that, the car slows down. Xel changes the radio station from heavy metal to 104.

Val: Hey! I was listenin' ta that!

Xel: Too bad. ^_^

Val gets Xel in headlock.

Val: Change it back, or else I'll ... I'll ...

Xel: You'll what? Bite my kneecaps off? ^_^

Steph reaches over with one hand and separates 'em. Peace doesn't last for long, though. Duo, who's between Suboshi and Zel in the back, breaks it first.

Duo: ::to Suboshi:: Gimme back my Repeat.

Suboshi: Make me!

Duo: Bait Boy!

Suboshi: Drag Driver!

Fighting ensues. Zel doesn't look up from his book.

Zel: Will you two stop fighting?

Duo & Suboshi: ::in unison:: When you stop being a rock!

Zel joins the fight. Xel pops into the back.

Xel: But he's so cute as a rock. ^_~

Zel punts Xel back into the front. Steph reaches back and smacks Duo, Suboshi, and Zel.

Steph: You guys can handle a ten minute drive without fighting, you know. It's a short trip.

Zel: Short!? We've been in here for 30 minutes!

Xel: And what a nice thirty minutes it's been, too. ^_^

All 'cept Steph: ::in unison:: Shut Up!!

Before that fight can escalate, however, Steph pulls up into the airport parking lot. Correction: She careens around the corner, almost hits a speed sign, jumps the curb, and just kinda lands with a thunk in a (luckily) empty parking space.

Steph: All right, everyone out.

Everyone falls out of the car, kisses the ground like there's no tomorrow, and thanks all the deities that may be listening that they've arrived in one piece. Steph facefaults at this display. Then everyone unloads the pile of baggage and carryons. Although not without grumbling.

Duo: ::to Zel:: What did ya pack in here? Rocks?

Suboshi: Why? He is one.

Xel: ::gives Zel a look:: I wouldn't mind having a rock packed. ^_~

Zel: ::to Xel:: Hentai. ::to Suboshi:: Come a little closer and say that, Yo-Yo Boy.

Suboshi pulls out mallet.

Suboshi: With pleasure.

Steph smacks 'em, before calling a tow truck to drag away the car.

Xel: Um ... Steph-chan? ^_^

Steph: Yeah?

Xel: How will we get home? ^_^

Steph: We'll rent.

After "donating" the car to the tow truck man she heads into the airport, followed by the harem and Zel (who carries all the luggage). They head to the KLM counter and check in the luggage while Xel flirts with the checker guy. Zel grabs Xel by the ear and drags him with them to the metal detector.

Zel: Come on, trisexual.

Xel: I didn't know you cared. ^_~

Zel drops Xel.

Zel: I don't.

Suboshi: Trisexual?

Zel: He, she, and self.

Xel: Although it's been a while since I've sought pleasure at my own hand. ^_^

Zel: Yeah right, and I didn't see you with that knife last week.

Xel: ^_^

Duo goes through the metal detector. Nothing. Suboshi goes through the metal detector. Nothing. Steph goes through. Nothing. Val goes through. Nothing. Xel goes through. Beeps like crazy.

Xel: Whoops! ^_^

Xel takes out pocket change. Walks back through. Beep. Xel ^_^'s and takes off watch. Beep. Xel takes off metal shoe laces. Beep. Takes off bunch off metal hairpins. Beep. Takes out metal pocket calculator. Beep. Takes off cape clasp. Beep. Takes off metallic necklaces. Beep. Takes off navel ring. Beep. Pulls off metal belt. Beep. Removes metal cape. Beep. Takes off metal shirt. Beep. Steph gets ticked. Takes off metal shoes. Beep.

Steph: You're doing this on purpose.

Xel: ^_^

Val: Fruitcake.

Xel strips. Harem covers eyes and screams while Steph summons Censoring Mist.

Xel: Drat. ^_^

Val: Excuse me, I meant hentai.

Xel walks through. Nothing. Gets dressed again. Zel walks though. Beep. Steph glares at him.

Zel: I'm not wearing anything metal! I swear!

Attendant goes over Zel's hair with hand detector. It beeps on his hair. Steph smacks self.

Steph: Duh.

Duo & Suboshi: We are such idiots.

Val: I'd say that goes without sayin'.

Duo and Suboshi take turns trying to beat on Val while Attendant searches Zel's hair and waves them through. They go up the escalator to the gate.

Duo: This blasted carry on weighs a ton!

Zel: Then you shouldn't have packed so much.

Duo: This isn't mine.

Steph: It's mine, okay! I needed to check the boarding passes! Can we lay off my carry on now!

Xel: Touchy, touchy ... ^_^

Steph: I'll show you touchy, Trisexual!

Steph introduces Xel's head to the floor, repeatedly, before sitting on him and checking the boarding passes. Harem sweatdrops. Steph jumps up, grabs her carry on from Duo, slings it on her back and heads off.

Duo: Whoa, wait! Where are you goin'?

Steph: To the gate. Let's go!

Harem pulls several tons worth of carryons onto their backs and trudge off after Steph, who seems to be having no problem with her carry on (even though it's bigger than theirs).

Xel: ::points to telephone booth:: Is this the gate? ^_^

Steph: No.

Xel: ::points to store:: Is this the gate? ^_^

Steph: No.

Xel: ::points to bathroom:: Is this the gate? ^_^

Steph: ::sigh:: No.

Xel: Is this -- ? ^_^

Val grabs Xel by the throat and proceeds to shake him violently.

Val: Shut up, fruitcake!

Steph: That's the gate.

Steph points to where Xel was pointing at and walks up to the check in lady. Val drags Xel after her. Steph checks in their boarding passes.

Steph: Great. They're loading. Hurry up, guys!

Harem goes through gangway into the plane, Val still dragging Xel. They get stopped at the door to the plane by a stewardess.

Stewardess: I need to check your --

Xel: Underwear? ^_^

Stewardess: ::flustered:: No, I need to check your --

Xel: Secret Herbs and Spices? ^_^

Stewardess:: ::more flustered:: No! I need to check --

Xel opens mouth to say something and Steph pounds him.

Steph: Boarding passes, you freak! Boarding passes!

Stewardess gives them a strange look, checks the passes and waves ‘em through. Val decides to help out Steph and drags Xel by the neck through the isles after her. Steph stops before row 44 and locates their seats.

Steph: We're on the right side. The whole right window row and the three middle seats on the right.

They look at the seats, then at Xel.

All 'cept Steph: I am NOT sitting with the fruitcake!

Steph: Too bad. You sit where your boarding pass tells you to sit. Zel has the window, Val's next to him, Xel's next to Val, I'm across from Xel, Suboshi's next to me, and Duo's next to Suboshi.

Val: Why do I have ta sit next ta the fruit?!

Steph gives him a look.

Steph: Cope.

Val catches the "look" and settles down, though cussing under his breath profusely, and drops Xel, making sure to step on him on his way to his seat.

Xel: Ah ... arigato! ^_^

Val: Masochist.

Everyone stows their carryons under the seat and not in the upper compartments. Zel pulls out a German/English dictionary and proceeds to read while Steph pulls out a Mercedes Lackey paperback and also reads, blocking out the world around her. Suboshi pulls out the safety manual (which is over 600 pages long) and reads it out loud to Duo, who follows Suboshi's instructions.

Suboshi: " ... the seatbelt is attached to blue straps to either side and latches easily when the tongue is inserted into the opening of the buckle. To unlatch the seatbelt, merely pull up the buckle's lid with a good pull and remove the tongue ... "

Duo latches his buckle and then unlatches it with a good pull. Xel pulls out his safety manual, flips through it, puts it back, pulls out the barf bag, opens it, puts it back, pulls out the menu and magazines, shuffles them, puts them back, pulls down tray table, locks it back up, leans seat back, returns it to upright position, and fiddles with his armrest controls. He turns on the light, turns off the light, turns on the air, turns off the air, turns the volume up and down, summons the stewardess, and unsummons the stewardess. Having finished doing everything on his armrest he fiddles with Val's instead, which annoys Val considering he's listening to headphones plugged into the armrest. Val smacks Xel's hand away and glares at him.

Val: Stop that! You're actin' like a two year old! I swear, you're such a child!

Xel snaps his fingers and is suddenly dressed as a baby, complete with rattle and bonnet. He looks at Val with big baby eyes and sticks his finger in his mouth.

Xel: Ga ga! ::reaches for Val:: Mama! ^_^

Val: Mama th--

Voice over Intercom: --is is the captain speaking, we have just been cleared for take off and are taxing as I speak. Please sit down, make sure your seatbelts are fastened and your chairs are upright. Please pay attention to the safety video showing shortly. Thank you.

Xel has taken advantage of this interruption and changed back to normal. He pulls out the airflight magazine and flips to the in-flight movie schedule. Val chooses to ignore Xel.

Suboshi: " ... do not remove the life vest from under the seat unless the situation or emergency require it ... "

Duo looks guilty seeing as he's already pulled out and inflated the life vest.

Duo: Oops. ^_^::::::

Suboshi: " ... life vests are non-replaceable once removed and ... "

Steph snaps fingers and the life vest returns to its designated place. Duo looks very relieved. The plane takes off. Steph, well acquainted with this phobia, put hand marks into the armrests while trying to keep from hyperventilating. Xel does not help the situation.

Xel: We are going to crash! ^_^

Val smacks him.

Val: Shut up! Do ya want ta die?

Zel: That's a stupid question.

The plane levels out. Steph stops hyperventilating and releases her death grip on the armrests. Then she smacks Xel.

Steph: ::shouting:: If you ever do that again, I am going to turn you into a smear on the cabin wall, got it?!

Suboshi: " ... if cabin pressure drops the upper compartments will automatically open --

Xel: -- releasing the carry on luggage and killing us all. ^_^

Suboshi: ::drones on mindless of the interruption:: -- and drop oxygen masks ... "

Duo pries at the upper compartment next to the air vents. He balances with one foot on the back of his seat and one foot on the back of the seat in front of him while using a crowbar to try to pry open the compartment.

Steph: Get down, Duo. The food's coming.

Duo drops back into his seat.

Duo: ::hopefully:: Food?

Suboshi looks up from safety manual.

Suboshi: Food?

Steph: Yes, food.

Xel: Such as it is.

Steph: True.

Duo & Suboshi: ::in unison:: Alright!

They high five each other, put up the safety manual and crowbar, and put their tray tables down, drooling.

Steph: ::to self:: Reconstituted, regurgitated, reheated cardboard time. Joy.

Steph gets hit with the smell and almost gags. She looks vaguely sick as the stewardess comes up with their food.

Stewardess: Four kids meals and two vegetarian/milk?

Steph nods and points. Xel and Steph get the veggie meals and the others get the kid meals.

Val: ::outraged:: A Kid Meal?!

Xel: ^_^

Val: You ordered these, didn't you?

Xel: Sore wa himitsu desu! ^_^

Val: You know I hate you.

Xel: I love you too, Val-kun! ^__^

Val: Don't call me Val-kun!

Xel: Okay, Val-chan! ^_^

Val: I should stab you with this plastic fork.

Zel: Will you two shut up and eat?!

Xel: Don't listen to the rock, he wouldn't know food if it bit him. ^_^

Zel: And if it's your cooking, it will bite me!

Xel: ^_^

Meanwhile, Duo and Suboshi have managed to pry the protective seran wrap and aluminum foil off the food and sit, stunned. They poke the stuff, then stare at it some more.

Duo: What is it?!

Suboshi; I think it's carrots, peas, and chicken nuggets.

Duo: Ummm ...

Suboshi: Or maybe cardboard and paste trying to pass as carrots, peas, and chicken nuggets?

Duo: This stuff would give the Slimy Multiplying Semi-Intelligent Legions of Death Cooked by Xel a run for their money.

Suboshi: Too true. Good thing we brought candy.

(As if they need a sugar rush.)

Duo: Yup. Anyway, let's see if I can get this compartment open. Pass me a carrot.

Suboshi gives Duo the carrot. Duo jams it into the crack.

Duo: Okay, pass me the roll.

Suboshi complies and Duo hits the carrot with the roll. The impact knocks a piece of plastic off. It flies across the cabin, ricochets off the bulkhead, and hits Xel in the head, stunning him.

Duo: Grab that piece off the fruitcake, will you?

Suboshi leans over Steph, fishes the piece of plastic that dropped into Xel's orange juice out, and hands it to Duo. Duo sticks it back on the ceiling.

Duo: Pass me some of the pudding on a knife.

Suboshi does so. Duo slathers the pudding over the plastic piece and smoothes it with the knife. He drops back into his seat and puts his "tools" away.

Duo: There. That should hold.

Suboshi: They should sell this stuff in hardware stores.

Duo: Are you sure they don't?

They look at the food, look sick, and push it away. Suboshi quickly pulls out the safety manual and continues reading out loud. Everyone finishes (or pretends to finish) their meals and the stewardess takes it away. Xel reads the in-flight movie schedule.

Xel: Know what they're showing? ^_^

Steph: What?

Xel: Six hour safety video, Titanic, Man in the Iron Mask, Documentary and Interview with Leonardo Decaprio, and Titanic again for all those who didn't catch it the first time. ^_^

Steph: ::flat:: You're joking.

Xel: Nope. ^_^

They all stare at Xel, pull out the movie schedule, read, and then start screaming. They all punch the stewardess button at once.

In the cockpit ...

Stewardess: Row 44 asks that we not torture them more than we already are, Captain.

Captain looks up, with a puzzled expression.

Stewardess: They object to watching the "Leo-Boy".

Captain: Tell 'em to cope. These movies really boost our airflight rating with the females.

Back in the cabin, the movies start.

Row 44: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!

_____________________________________________________________
 

Later ... Xel is no where to be seen and night has fallen. Duo sleeps, leaning on Suboshi, who's also sleeping and leaning on Steph. Steph reads. She smiles at the two and pulls the worthless scrap of polyester they call blankets around the two and continues reading. Val is also sleeping, but leaning on Zel, who also reads and who is absently stroking Val's hair.

_____________________________________________________________
 

Later ... morning dawns and it's breakfast time! Xel is still no where to be seen, but now everyone's awake. The stewardess walks up. Val doesn't look up from his book.

Stewardess: Cornflakes or fruit? ^_^

Val: Neither.

Stewardess: But you have to eat something, you're all skin and bones, cutie. ^_~

The stewardess bends down and pinches Val's cheek. Now Val looks up, furious. And sees that the stewardess is actually Xel. Val freaks and attaches himself to Zel's head.

Val: AAAHHH!!! Get It Away!

Zel: ::to Xel:: I wondered where you were.

Xel: ::bats eyelashes:: How sweet! ::looks back:: There's this cute steward up in first class ... anyway, Cornflakes or fruit? ^_^

Zel: Fruit for both, fruitcake.

Xel: Such a decisive rock. ^_^

Zel pries off Val while Xel serves the rest of the harem and gets the usual snide comments about his cross-dressing.

_____________________________________________________________
 

Later ... the plane lands and taxis up to the designated gangway. Steph releases her death grip on the armrest and puts all the various scattered items back in her backpack/carry on.

Steph: Pack up, yawn guys, we yawn have a distance to walk. yawn

Tired groans from all around but they pack up. The whole group wobbles slightly as they exit the plane and trudge up the gangway to the airport. Steph's just glad to be back on the glorious ground. The harem stops in front of a map and Steph almost bumps into them.

Suboshi: Okay, if we're here and we need to get to gate D8 then we go here.

Duo: That's gates D*8, not D8. These are gates D8.

Xel: No, I don't think we're here, but here, see the fish tank's marked on the map. ^_^

Zel: But the fish tank's behind us, not in front.

Val: We're also next ta the bathrooms.

Suboshi: So that puts us here instead.

Duo: No ... I think it's here.

Steph: Forget the map. yawn Follow me.

Steph walks off in a completely different direction than the ones they discussed. Eyes never really leaving the ground she leads them through hall after hall, across moving floors, past stores, discos, big works of art, bathrooms, fish tanks, and advertisements, through various metal detectors and passport checks, and right to Gate D8.

Xel: I am dully impressed. ^_^

Val: Ryouga, she ain't.

Ryouga: You called?

All 'cept Steph: Ryouga!

Zel: What are you doing here?

Ryouga: Ummm ... I have a ticket to Japan, but I can't find my gate.

Val: Not surprising.

Zel: Which gate?

Ryouga: D7.

Zel: Right there.

Ryouga: Thanks ... uh ... could someone take me there.

Zel: ::rolls eyes:: Sure.

Zel walks off with Ryouga, drops him off, and comes back just in time to join the rest of the harem in boarding yet another plane.

Steph: Soon this will be over ... soon this will be over ... soon this will be over ...

Val: Please, please, please, please, please ...

Duo: Will someone just make the torture stop?!

Two hours of flying and exhausted staring and reading later the plane touches down in München (Munich). A very tired harem gets off the plane, drags themselves down the gangway, gets their luggage, makes a pitstop, and finally drags themselves out of the baggage claim into the main airport.

Val: ::tiredly, rhetorically:: Who's the twisted pain-lover who came up with air travel?

Xel: ^_^

Val: Figures.

Then they follow Steph's great uncle, and load into a van. Steph, Duo, and Suboshi get the back row with Steph in the middle, and Zel, Val, and Xel get the middle row with Xel in the middle. Val and Zel are too tired to complain about the seating arrangements. They leave Munich. Almost one hour later, the van stops. Steph shakes Duo and Suboshi awake, who fell asleep leaning on her, and tries to get out of the van without the world spinning too much. Xel smiles at Val and Zel, who have fallen asleep leaning on him.

Xel: Wakey, wakey! ^_^

Zel & Val: ::in unison:: Wha -- ::wakes up completely and stares:: AAAHHH!!!

They kick Xel out of the van, step on him on the way out, and also try to keep the world from spinning. They all load into a car with only room for three.

Steph: If I hear a single word from anyone, they are so dead.

Xel: Word. ^_^

Steph sits on Xel the whole way to her grandmother's house.

Steph: Had enough?

Xel: No. ^_^

Steph beats on Xel some a they all pile out of the car. And stare at the house.

Steph: We're here.

Val: Finally.

Zel: Took up long enough.

Suboshi: Where are the beds?

Duo: When do we eat?

They all unload while Steph kisses the sweet ground and thanks Ifni she's finally doesn't have to be in anything moving anymore.

_____________________________________________________________
 

Chapter 3   |   The Harem Tales   |   Harem   |   Fanfiction