When I'm Asleep Next to You

At sunrise I fight to stay asleep.
Cause I don't want to leave the comfort of this place.
Cause there's a hunger, a longing to escape.
From the life I live when I'm awake.

Higher Creed

He watched it all on TV. Tseng was the only one of the Turks who was obligated to attend the funeral, so Rude'd gone over to the hospital to visit Reno. They'd decided that they probably should watch the burial of the late president on TV. It was like; show your respect now and get it over with.

The camera focused on Rufus as the coffin was lowered into the ground. He looked very different in a black suit and dark shades, jaw clenched, head slightly bowed. A red rose dangled in his hand. The new president of Shinra Inc. For the first time he actually looked like a grown man, not just a little boy playing the grown-up's game.

"Think he'll be able to handle this?" Reno asked somewhere behind him.

Rude turned and saw Reno standing by the window, just about to light a cigarette. "Becoming president or losing his father?" he asked.

The redhead shrugged. "As far as I know he and his old man weren't really close." He inhaled on the cigarette and looked out the window. "Do you think he can handle all of this, running this dump?" He gestured at the view of Midgar.

"I don't know," Rude said and turned back to the TV, "he can't be worse than his old man anyway." Rufus took a step forward and dropped the rose into the grave, almost nonchalantly, then he disappeared from the screen.

As Rude threw a quick glance over his shoulder he saw that Reno was studying him. Then the young Turk flicked the cigarette out the window and walked over to the bed again.

"So, what are you gonna do?" he asked his partner.

Rude arched a brow slightly. "What do you mean?"

"You know very well what I mean."

"No Reno, I haven't got a fucking clue what you mean."

The door closed with a loud thud as Rude left the sterile hospital room.

Rufus sat at his new desk the next morning. He looked out at the city that was now his through a glass of whisky and some ice. The clothes he'd worn on the funeral still graced his frame, although the tie was long gone and the top buttons of the shirt were unbuttoned.


Rufus spun the chair around as the voice reached him. He slammed the glass down on the well polished surface of the desk, almost spilling out the liquid, and stood up.

"For fuck's sake Rude," he roared, "you're not allowed to enter my office without permission."

His words cut through Rude yet the Turk's shell seemed impenetrable as usual. "I'm sorry, sir," he said, "your secretary said you've been in here all night, I just wanted to check that you were ok."

Rufus laughed out loud, mockingly. "Yes, Rude, of course you wanted to check that I was alright." He walked around the desk till he was face to face with the Turk. "Now you know that I am, so get the hell out of here."

Rude lifted his hand slightly, as if to put it on the young man's shoulder. "Sir, are you sure you..."

Rufus slapped his hand away, his eyes cold. "Don't you dare touch me, Rude. Don't you think I know about you, hm? Don't you think I've seen the way you look at me? It's patethic, embarrassing. Do you honestly think I would ever go for someone like you?" Rufus laughed again, then he turned cold and serious, his voice disgusted. "Get the fuck out of my office. Now."

"Yes, sir," Rude mumbled and left with quick strides.

The Turks were all gathered in their lounge, Tseng and Elena had positoned themselves on the black leather couch in the middle of the room. The rookie Turk tried to maintain the same composed posture her boss always seemed to be able to keep, whether he was in a meeting with the Shinra Inc upper crust or if he, like now, was having a drink with his friends.

Reno had been released from the hospital that morning and now he and Rude sprawled comfortably in the two matching armchairs. A glass table where Reno's feet rested were placed between the armchairs and the couch with Tseng and Elena.

Rude only heard Tseng's words dimly, none of them were registered. It did seem however as if the leader of the Turks were telling them all a story about a wild night out recently. Fragments of it seemed to fit into the events that had taken place Friday night two weeks ago, but Rude couldn't be sure, he was too distracted to actually connect the words to his memory. Reno suddenly laughed at something Tseng had said and Elena blushed.

"Am I boring you, Rude?"

Rude's head snapped up at the sound of his name. "No, I was just..."

"...daydreaming about a certain blond Shinra?" Tseng filled in with a smirk.

Rude hoped that his blush wasn't too obvious, but judging from the other's grins it was. Elena just looked puzzled as she always did when the three other Turk's started with their in-jokes. She jumped a little in her seat as Tseng's hand suddenly fell on her thigh.

"You see Rude here has always had the hots for Rufus, that's what this is all about," he explained to her.

"Oh," was all she said, not sure what how she should react to this piece of new information. "Does he know?" she then asked, just to keep the silence from growing.

Tseng sighed and reached for his pack of cigarettes. "Sometimes I wonder if any of them knows."

"He knows," Rude muttered, "and I sure as hell know."

Tseng lit his cigarette and inhaled on it. "Really? Did we miss something?"

"Yeah, come on Rude, man, you know you gotta tell us," Reno chimed in and dragged his feet off the table and leaned forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his knees.

Rude took a sip of the glass of vodka he had in his hand. It was late, after hours, and the Turks always got together at the end of the day and had a few drinks in their lounge.

"He kicked me out of his office today," he finally said, "told me he want nothing to do with me."

"The bastard," Reno swallowed some beer so the laugh wouldn't slip as he said the words. He exchanged an amused look with the leader of the Turks. Their bald friend just pretended he that he hadn't caught that look.

"So what are you going to do about it?" Tseng reached for the ashtray.

Rude shrugged. "Nothing I guess."

"Nothing?" ashes from Tseng's cigarette dropped down on the Shinra symbol in the bottom of the white ashtray. "Of course you have to do something, you can't just give up."

"The guy just told me to get the hell outta his office. I can take a hint, alright. He's not interested."

"That's nothing to be taken personal, his father just died for fuck's sake. And he's become the new president: He's just got alot on his mind right now." Tseng sipped his brandy. "You just have to figure out what he needs."

Reno laughed. "Doctor Love has spoken."

Tseng ignored him. "Stay here, I'll be right back." He got up and disappeared into his office.

"Of course we'll stay," Reno mumbled to no one in particular, "we still got booze here."

Tseng returned with a bunch of papers which he held out to Rude who looked up questioningly at him.

"Rude," Tseng said in his proffesional voice, "I want you to deliver these reports to the president."

Rude shifted in his chair and sighed."Come on, boss."

"That's an order Rude. I want you to deliver them to him personally. Now, go." Tseng dropped the reports in Rude's lap.

"Fine then." Rude gathered the papers and got up.

"Nice work boss," Reno smirked as the elevator doors closed behind Rude.

"I'm sorry, President Shinra went home for the day," Rufus' secretary informed him.

Rude put the reports on her desk. "Will you just make sure he gets..."

"Erm," she interrupted him," mr Tseng just called and said that it was very important the president gets those reports tonight." She looked Rude firmly in the eyes. "He said that if he wasn't in when you got here then you should go to his apartment and hand them over to him there."

Rude looked down at the petite woman. Damn, he thought, you might think she was a Turk herself. He picked up the papers again. "Alright then, I'll make sure he gets them." He smiled at her before he left. Damn Tseng, he thought.

Rufus opened the door. He smelled of whisky and cigarettes, his hair was wild and Rude could tell he'd been crying.

"Oh, it's you," he sneered as he saw the Turk.

"Sir," Rude blinked," are you alright."

Rufus ignored his question. "What's this?" he asked as he saw the papers in Rude's hand. "More work for me?"

Rude caught the door just as it was about to slam in his face as Rufus let go of it and strolled back into his apartment to pour himself another drink.

"Sir, maybe you shouldn't..."

Rufus spun around as Rude's voice suddenly was just behind him. "Don't tell me what the fuck to do." Although the words were harsh his tone was softer than before. His eyes refused to meet the Turk's, keeping them focused on the bottle and the glass.

Without thinking Rude brought up his hands to hold Rufus face. The young president immediately backed away from him.

"I told you not to touch me." he hissed.

Rude took his face in his hands once again. "Rufus, I..."

A hard slap across the face. Rufus' cold eyes bore into him. "How dare you address me so informal."

"I'm sorry sir, I just want to help you." Rude mumbled as he seemed to be intently studying the expensive carpet.

Rufus downed his drink, then a smirk crept into his face. "You want to help me?" He took a step back and gave Rude a long once over. "Maybe I was wrong about you Rude," he said, "you are not as repulsive as I thought." His tone was all but kind. "Undress for me."

Rude looked up. "Sir?"

"Come on, Rude, I know you want me." Then, with a devious smirk, he added; "It's the worst kept secret in the history of Shinra Inc."

Rude took a step back from the blond man. "Sir, I don't think...."

"I don't care what you think Rude, just get undressed, then get down on your fucking knees." Rufus poured himself another drink, downed it then reached for the bottle again. "You're a giant, damnit, I can't fuck you when you're standing up." More liquid went down Rufus' throat, quickly followed by yet another drink.

"I should leave," Rude said lowly.

The glass which had been in the young president's hand hit the wall just to the side of the Turk's head and broke into hundreds of small, sharp, glimmering pieces that fell to the floor. "You aren't going anywhere until I'm done with you," Rufus informed him in a drunken tone. He closed the distance between them with a few not so steady strides. One hand grabbed Rude's belt buckle but the Turk got a hold of the young man's arm before he could get it open.

"Rufus, please don't do this," Rude whispered, almost wishing the other man wouldn't hear him. Wasn't this what he'd wanted all along after all? No, Rude decided. He wanted to love Rufus, he wanted to be able to hold him whenever he needed to be held, give him comfort. He wanted to sleep next to him and wake up while the blond was still sleeping and just watch him for hours, peacefully at rest. He wanted to lay in bed with him and hold him and they would just forget about the rest of the world when they were together.

"Piss off Rude," Rufus sneered and stormed off into one of the other rooms.

After a moment of consideration Rude followed him and found Rufus standing by the window in his bedroom. His forehead was pressed against the window and his shoulders were shaking as low stifled sobs came out of him. Only the pale moon gave light to his features, tears shimmering on his cheeks. Rude swiftly moved over to him and carefully turned him around, no protests came from the young man this time. He let himself be embraced by the strong arms and sobbed into the chest.

"I'm scared," he finally confessed and Rude tighten his grip around his body which seemed so small when he held it in his arms. He dared to plant a soft kiss on the blond hair and when still no objections came from Rufus he let his lips touch the temple, then down on the cheek.

Rufus looked up at the Turk, his eyes so sad that Rude couldn't bare to look into them. He took Rufus wet, tear streamed face in his hands and covered it with feather light kisses. Finally he risked seeking out the young man's mouth and cautiously tasted the soft lips. He took the young president's lower lip between his own lips and sucked lightly on it. One of Rufus hands grasped his shoulder and then he felt Rufus getting up on his toes to reach better. Rude gently coaxed him to part his lips. Their tongues met, encirceling briefly just to retreat the next second.

Rufus looked up at him, his breathing heavier that before, then the hand on Rude's shoulder sneaked up to the nape of his neck and pulled him in, down, for another kiss, this one deep and passionate. Rude pulled the young president even closer, for an instant he was afraid he might crush him. Rufus moaned in between the kisses that gradually became fierce and uncontrolled, no longer restrained to lips and tongue. Their mouths were removed from each other to fleetingly explore other areas.

Rufus undid the Turk's tie and let it fall to the floor. His fingers unbuttoned the top buttons of the shirt and he pushed it away a little to trail his lips over the collarbone and then return them to the other's mouth.

"I'm drunk," Rufus suddenly snickered between the kisses.

Rude kissed his blond hair softly. "That's ok," he whispered, "I'm not going to hurt you." The Turk swiftly peeled the designer shirt off of Rufus who giggled when Rude's hands skimmed over his bare chest. A choked sound escaped him as Rude's fingers grazed one of his nipples.

Rude could feel the solid bulge in his own pants poke into the other man's side but Rufus didn't seem to notice. Rude pressed harder against him as he pulled him in for another kiss. "I'll be right back," he whispered and let go of Rufus who immediately fell down on the bed.

Rude looked through Rufus bathroom cabinet and found a bottle of lotion which he brought with him back to the bedroom. He breathed in deeply as he saw Rufus sprawled across the bed. His head a little turned to the side, eyes closed. One hand rested on his stomach, the other on the pillow, inches away from his face. So beautiful, he thought.

Rude wriggled out of his shirt and threw it on the floor to where his pants soon followed. He bent over the sleeping form on the bed. Rufus let out a muffled sound as he kissed him but didn't seem to wake up. Rude stopped and looked down on the young man under him. Oh gods, the thoughts raced through his mind, I'm sorry Rufus but I have to do this. What if I never get another chance? He slid off the bed and pulled Rufus slacks off, soon the blond was lying naked before him.

Rufus moaned, something felt really good but he didn't know what. He opened his eyes slowly and saw Rude kneeling by the bed, his head was lowered between Rufus' legs, slowly moving up and down. It took Rufus a moment to register the sensation he felt to the movements of Rude's head, or rather with Rude's mouth and tongue which he now distinctly could feel over his cock.

As Rude heard the moans and saw Rufus' back arch to seek his mouth he knew he wouldn't be able to control himself much longer. He had to have the young blond, he had to have him now. He pulled Rufus' almost lifeless body down on the floor and got him to kneel against the bed. Rude uncorked the bottle of lotion and poured some of it into his palm. He threw his head back and gasped as he massaged it onto his own cock. With lotioned fingers he prepared Rufus' tight cleft for what was coming. Then he spread Rufus' legs with his knees and entered him swiftly.

"Ahh...," the blond cried out as Rude's cock invaded his virgin entry.

Rude's heart froze for a moment. Oh my god, I hurt him. But then Rufus' hips pressed back against him, forcing him deeper inside. The Turk leaned back a little so that he wouldn't put too much pressure on the smaller man, then he began to push in and out, summoning all selfconrol he had to keep the thrusts slow and gentle.

But as the orifice closed around him everytime he probed in he found it impossible to keep such a slow pace. His last desperate attempt to keep things under control was to reach down and take Rufus' shaft in his hand and stroke it; to try and concentrate on giving the young man pleasure. But as Rufus felt the touch his body tensed, making his muscles hold Rude even tighter. The Turk grunted in satisfaction and allowed himself one hard thrust into the other man, making him squirmed beneath him.

Rude's free hand slipped down to squeez Rufus buttock hard a couple of times. He closed his eyes and gasped as Rufus experimentally pushed his hips back and forth, seeming to discover that he liked the feeling. Unconsciuosly Rude started rocking his own hips, countering the blond's movements.

As Rufus' hand suddenly wrapped around his own lenght and pushed away the hand that had been stroking it Rude placed both of his hands on the young man's hips and rapidly increased the pace of his thrust.

Rufus' body tensed as he orgasmed with a scream and then collapsed onto the bed. Rude urged his thighs further apart without breaking the rhythm. He wanted to tear the other man apart to get as deep into him as possible, the sensation of being inside of Rufus was just too much for him to bear. He threw his head back and called out Rufus' name, again and again, as if he was chanting.

Rufus suddenly tightened around him again, his face contorted, all of his limbs were shivering. "Oh...gods...Rude," he panted.'

When Rude felt himself on the verge of orgasm he started stroking Rufus' member again. The blond cried out and threw himself back against Rude. The Turk leaned back too, with his free hand place on other man's chest he prevented Rufus from falling back down on the bed.

Rufus were bouncing in Rude's lap. His head fell back to rest on the big man's shoulder, his breath came in broken, ragged gasps and moans. Rude's tongue flicked out briefly to trail over the pale neck then he suddenly cried out loud.

Rude pushed forward, making Rufus bend over the edge of the bed again and thrust into him fiercely till his semen filled the young president and ran down over his shaft again, slowly. He bent down and buried his face in Rufus slightly arched back. The thrusts continued, slower now for all his energy had been drained out of him. More of his semen spilled out into Rufus just as he felt something warm flow over his own fingers. Rufus' lips were parted as he whimpered softly. Both men's hips jerked a little, trying to drain the last drop out of the orgasm. Reluctantly Rude withdrew himself from within the other man who winced as he did so.

They both crawled up into the bed and Rufus turned around to his side and fell asleep as soon as he put his head on the pillow. Rude smiled as he heard the soft snores coming out of the young man next to him. Gently he kissed his forehead and cradled him in his arm.

"Everything will be alright now Rufus," he whispered and kissed him again before he too drifted off to sleep.

Rufus woke up with an unusually nasty headache the next morning. But the pain pounding in his head was soon forgotten as he felt how sore he was. Then he saw the Turk that was sleeping beside him in his bed. What the...? He stumbled out of the bed with a blanket wrapped around his naked form.

As Rude opened his eyes and saw the young blond staring down on him he realized something was wrong. He sat up and reached out for Rufus but the other man backed away from him.

"Rufus," he said as softly as he could.

Rufus just shook his head in disbelief. "What... what did you do to me?" his voice was barely a whisper.

"Rufus," Rude tried again, "don't you remember we..."

"You raped me," he almost sobbed.

"No, no," Rude struggled to keep his own voice steady, "no Rufus, that's not how it was." He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and pulled on his boxer shorts and his navy blue trousers. Rufus backed away from him as he got up, Rude could see tears brimming the sapphire eyes.

"Rufus, please," Rude tried to fight back his own tears.

"Get the hell out of my apartment Rude. Now." Rufus felt the wall against his back and slipped down to the floor, a sudden pain reminding him of the previous night made him wince.

Rude took a few steps towards him again, reaching out his hand to wipe away the tears that now streamed down the young man's face.

"Don't touch me," Rufus slapped the hand away. "Just get the hell out of here Rude."

Rude nodded numbly and quickly collected the rest of his clothes and left.

He stopped just outside the door to Rufus apartment and put his shirt on. But his tears and shaking hands made it difficult to button it.

Rufus buried his head between his knees. His whole body convulsing in sobs. Oh god, his hands wringed in his hair, what have I done? What did he do to me?

When his tears finally stopped falling the sun was far past it's zenith. His arms hugged the knees and his head rested on them, he blinked a few times, eyes dry and stinging. Slowly he began to realize what he had known all along. "Oh my god," he whispered to himself, "what have I done."


Disclaimer: All the characters belongs to Squaresoft. This story's intended for mature readers and it's all non-profit of course.