Zelgadis stamped down the front steps and stalked out the door. I don't need to take this, I don't need to take this, from my GODDAUGHTER, of all people, she's supposed to be in awe or something like that, and I am NOT a prostitute, she's the sixteenth person to ask me that today, my god that just brought up the memory of that skanky old man, I am never going to take enough baths what the hell is this doing in the middle of the road AAAAGH!
Zelgadis gave the mud puddle he fell in a rather dirty look and stood up. He puled a handkerchief and dusted it over the front of his outfit and the mud disappeared. He then looked around and glared back at all the people staring at him until they looked away nervously. He dusted off his shoulder and spun on a heel.
And nearly ran into a cheerful old grandmotherly woman. She grinned.
"Well hello there, dear. Would you like your fortune told?" She closed her eyes and smiled.
Zelgadis brushed past. "I don't need it."
She caught his arm in a surprisingly tight grip. "Your face has an evil omen on it, boy. You're headed for bad luck. Why don't you try? If I'm wrong, you don't have to pay."
He looked around, sighed and let her lead him into the dark room. She sat down in front of her crystal ball and smiled. "Hmmm....so, what's your profession?" She asked, rummaging through a bag of cards, spiders and assorted stuff.
Zelgadis snorted. "Aren't you supposed to know this sort of thing?"
She batted at him with a hand, not looking up. "Oh, pish posh. I'm not about to waste my powers on something as silly as that! I get three guesses, okay?"
"Whatever."
"Are you a court magician?"
"No."
"Hmmmmm...are you a...prostitute?"
Zelgadis spit out the tea she had just given him. "NO I AM NOT A PROSTITUTE!!" He yelled in her ear, standing up and readying to stalk out. She laughted.
"Okay, last guess. You're a fairy godmother."
He froze. "How did..."
She smiled. "I used to be one myself. Stupid business. Always giving the girls what they're told they want and not what they do. That's why I quit." She picked out a few cards from her deck and placed them on the table.
"Hmmm....you made a big mistake at one point. That's why you're stuck doing this."
Zelgadis flinched.
"You...are usually the hero in any story, am I right?"
"So far."
"Ah! You will bring joy to some lucky young girl, and turn her life from one of drudgery to one of happiness!"
"That's what Godmothers are supposed to do."
She shook her head. "What kind of a little idiot would want to marry someone who proposed to them in the first ten minutes they knew each other? Not me. That's why I quit." She tossed a card to him. It was the grim reaper.
"I'm gonna DIE???" He managed, gasping.
"Nah, just fired."
"Oh, just what I need. Getting fired again."
"Well, it's hard for magical beings to get jobs these days, it's true, especially with bad records, but I suppose you could go work in the mortal realms."
"Hah."
"Be a waiter, or something. I hear many a good fairy waits tables."
"No one worth anything waits tables."
"Don't tell that to the knight of Ciphieed."
"Waiting tables, I meant to say, is not for the weak of heart."
"There ya go. Let's see...you're a sweety within,"
"I am not, you delusional freak."
"But a cactus on the outside. Yep, that's you."
"How the hell would you know? You don't know me!"
"I was a fairy godmother, remember? Oh dear. You're going to botch the job and - wait, this can't be right."
"What?"
"Well, this card says you're going to be an utter failure at your assigned job, but this one says you'll be a phenomenal success."
"Let's hope they even out, eh?"
"Right. Well, that's what the cards have to say. Gimme cash."
"But you screwed it up!"
"I did not! It may not make sense now, but the cards never lie!"
"Screw you, old woman! I'm not paying anything for a cracked out fortune telling!"
"I thought you said you weren't a prostitute?"
"SHUT UP!"