Sailoon, the country of wonder. Sailoon, the country of justice. Sailoon, whose white marble walls rose magestically from the ground, holding fluttering stripes of color to the heavens. Its capital was a city fittingly dubbed the wonder of its time, optimism and happiness pervading everything within its wrought iron gates. Everything down to your neighbor's birdbath was historical and artistic, and people traveled for years to reach its white sparkling glory. Beauty pervaded everything, rendering the free soul breathless and dancing in the sunlight.
Fat lot of good it did the small figure huddled in a forgotten corner beneath the shreds of a tattered announcement.
Crowds of chattering, happy people walked by the shuddering mass of black cloak, not sparing a glance from the sights above to look down at the half enclosed space off to the side. At first glance it seemed as though someone had carelessly tossed a bundle tied up in black with red spilling over the top. If you stopped to glance.
No one did.
If you looked harder, you would see a young girl, no older that 17, huddled in her cloak, shoulders shaking with sobs. If you stopped to look harder.
No one did that, either.
If you could hear over the noise, and if you cared to listen, you would hear the heart rending sobs of a soul in utter despair, loss, loneliness and rejection. You would hear her muttering softly in between tears about false perfection.
If you listened beyond the bustle of happy people.
No one did.
Because no one cared. With so much to see, so many wonders to explore...
Who cares about a sad little girl in a corner?
Lina dug her fingers into the warm black wool of her cloak as the tears streamed down her face. She knew she should move, she should go somewhere else -- Someone might see her, crying, showing weakness. Someone might judge her... But she couldn't bring herself to move. She held her knees tightly against her chest, shuddering as she gasped for breath in between moans, not bothering to rub the moisture from her cheeks. Snow fell softly about her, and all around people gasped in wonder at the beauty it shrouded the already majestic city in. Lina let the snow fall over her black wool and purple linen, oblivious to the wet spots as it melted and soaked into the dusty clothing. She ignored the rest of the world around her -- it didn't even think she existed anymore. Why should she care if it did?
And so the crying figure sat on the scrubbed cobbles, sobbing quietly, until people no longer walked the streets. Until the last lagging, laughing pedestrian followed her friends to the closest building, blithely racing past the crying heap under the remaining shreds of cruelty tacked on the board above.
A hand fell on her shoulder.
Lina looked up suddenly, following the pale hand cuffed with billowing white linen, up to the angular face twisted in a self-deprecating half smile. The sapphire eyes softened beneath wisps of lavender hair as Zelgadis sat silently beside the trembling figure, who was desperately trying to erase the signs of despair from her tears streaked face.
"It's a lost cause." He said softly. She looked away, staring at the black leather gloves over slim, shaking hands. "It's obvious you've been crying."
She laughed slightly, her damp hair falling back into her face from where she'd shoved it to the side. "No one else noticed." She said slowly, smiling a sad smile and leting lose a sound less like a laugh and more like a sob.
"No one else cares about anything other than a nice warm fire." Zelgadis smoothed the hair back that had found its way into her face, twisting the copper strands behind her ears. "They don't realize there are other things in the world besides themselves."
"All of them?"
"All of them." He smiled. "Anyone who didn't stop to look down. Anyone who didn't realize someone was hurting." Zelgadis found her chin beneath the cloak and lifted her face to look at him. "Is this all what I said, or did you see the signs, too?"
"I saw." She pulled away and stared at the cobbles again. "They're... getting married." She laughed, a bitter, sharp sound. "Didn't take him long to get over me, did it?"
"he's a moron." It came out a little too sharp, a bit too angry. If either of the two noticed it, they ignored it.
Lina smiled again, looking at the snow filled sky throwing bits of clouds down to them. "I knew that when I married him," she sighed, letting her head sink into her lap again. "I did it anyway."
Zelgadis put an arm around her, not too tight for her to shrug off, not too loose to be casual. "He's a fool. There's a difference. He doesn't realize that he hurts you. He thinks once you do something, it's over with."
"I did too."
"You learned."
The two sat in silence for a while, watching as the streets filled with drifts of snow, the lights of the candles in their glass fixtures by the street creating dancing shadows on the blankets of white. Lina lifted her hair, the sunset mane liberally laced with specks of white. She hesiatate for a moment, her lips moving around the words she wanted to say, before she threw them into the air between them.
"Am I annoying?" It wasn't a question she wanted to ask. No one ever asks that question unless they know it's not true, or they're truly terrified that it is. What the asker usually wants is the denial of any truth in the statement, calming the slightest fear inside.
Lina was afraid.
"Was it him? Or was it me?"
"Lina..." Pale hands came up to smooth unruly red hair as Zelgadis smiled with his eyes. "Lina, you're never annoying. It was his foolishness and idiocy letting you go, not yours."
"You're lying."
"I'm not, Lina. I mean it. I swear."
"You lie. You said I was. You said -- " Not again... Lina felt tears well up inside and tamped them down, only to have them rise against her once more. Stop it. Stop being so weak! She tried to pull away, to pull herself further inside, away from the bitter cold that had nothing to do with the snow. "You said I was... you said I bitched and moaned any time I wasn't happy. You called me selfish and.. and..." To Lina's horror, tears rushed past her tempered defenses and fell from her lashes, splashing silently onto her black leggings and mixing with the soggy remains of the snow. She found herself shaking with sobs again, only this time they weren't ignored. Old, aged self-hatred welled up inside of her as she showed her weaknesses to the only real peer she knew, the only person who seemed to give a damn about her. She disgusted him, she was losing him too, she was weak and stupid and such a little girl...
"I didn't mean it. I could never mean it. I'm as stupid as he was." Strong arms pulled her into a waiting lap, holding her against a soft suede tunic in acceptance. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." She sobbed herself dry, sitting invisible as the underlying sorrow in a world of joy they were no longer privy to.
Laughter echoes across the courtyard, making birds fly from the leafy treetops as the wind swirled stray greenery into arcing, dancing spirals. Sifting clouds floated carelessly across the afternoon sky, mottling the sunlight to fall on a single woman in the crowd.
She doesn't attract much attention, which is odd. Her long golden hair is what you remember about her -- Nothing else sticks in you mind. Th crowd unconsciously moves away from her, leaving a circled about six feet in diameter about her as she moves gracefully about the partygoers. She seems to have taken great interest in a pair at the celebrations who don't seem quite as happy as everyone else.
The girl is dressed in worn black and purple, her fiery hair dull and lifeless about her shoulders and back. She walks with her eyes trained on the ground, oblivious to the conversations around her. The young man beside morosely stares at his feet, occasionally looking up into the sun as if to see how much longer the day would last. He's in black and white, the purple hair falling into his face no matter how many times he angrily pushes it back. They hang along the edges of the crowd, trying not to see the happiness radiating from the happy couple at the center.
The woman grins and slinks into the shadows.
"Lina! Zelgadis!" Lina winced, plastering a false smile across her face, hiding the inner scars ripped open by the sound of that voice. She flipped her hair over her shoulder in a careless manner, cocking her head and letting her cloak fall back to give herself a cocky air. And although it seems rehearsed, fake...
No one but Zelgadis notices.
A blonde comes racing up to the two, dragging along a hesiatantly smiling woman with long, raven hair. She stops before the redhead, searching for words, as the blonde attacks poor Zelgadis in a frenzy of excited questions.
"Wow! Zel, you look great! Did you do something with your hair? There's something different about you."
"I'm human."
Sylphiel looked down at Lina, who was still wearing the frozen smile on her face. The woman opens her mouth twice before coming up with something to say. Her voice falls like water, but the words are halting, nervous.
Afraid.
Am I really that scary?
"You look different with such long hair, Lina. I mean, it was long before, but now it's simply a cascade down your back. It looks lovely."
"What?" Gourry turned to look at Lina and smiled. Lina's smile faltered slightly. "Wow! You're right, it would be almost to your knees if you didn't have it up in a ponytail! Did it grow that much in a month?"
A new smile stole over Lina's face, but it wasn't even as real as her first one was. It was more of a twisted frown, flipped and molded until it looked like a grin.
"No. No, Gourry, it didn't."
"I don't get it. When did you start growing it so long?"
"Four... years ago, Gourry."
The woman in the pure white of a bride Moved quickly to salvage the conversation in any way she could. She is careful not to touch the blonde wearing a stylish, expensive tuxedo, even as he gravitates towards her, and she leaps at anything that could pass as a topic.
"I love your earrings," She says lamely, her own smile faltering as Lina's turns up falsely. "They're... nice."
The redhead fingers the smooth gold hoops hanging from her earlobes, bared as they were with her sunset hair pulled up with her black hair band. "You think so? I made them."
"How... nice." Sylphiel says, trying to think of anything to say, anything at all, as Lina slips further and further away from her. She feels hopeless and worried, knowing that she can never really talk to Lina anymore... and frightened by the thought that, deep inside, maybe she doesn't want to. Maybe she just wants to settle down with Gourry and forget his... mistake.
Maybe she doesn't care about his ex, even if his ex is... was... her friend.
Sylphiel shoves the betraying thought into the back of her mind, but not before Lina has time to see it in her eyes.
"Wow, Zel, aren't you married? Why aren't you with Amelia?"
"I'm.. surprised you remember that."
"Well, yeah, Lina and I got married next to you two."
Lina and Zelgadis both slumped slightly, as more weight was cheerfully dumped atop their shoulders by an oblivious, if well meaning, once was, friend.
"So how are you two, anyways?"
"We're... divorced." Zelgadis works to get the words out... somehow they hurt more than when he first said them to Lina. His false smile falls slightly as Lina moves closer to him, trying to give him strength. Unfortunately, she'd lost much of her own. She had nothing to give.
"Really? Wow! Me and Lina are, too!"
Sylphiel Smiles quickly and excuses them, pulling Gourry off before he can push his foot further into his mouth. Lina's smile is as bright and sad as her eyes, and Zelgadis touches her shoulder before moving away to sit down. She saunters over to the buffet, but if anyone cared enough to notice, they would see she wasn't eating anything.
No one did.
"Zelgadis?"
Cerulean eyes snap up to stare at the woman before them. Amelia's white magic kept away the effects of the black, letting her age naturally... ant the years had done wonders for a figure that was nice to begin with. Legs up to her neck and an hourglass figure made the queen of Sailoon the "Star of the country", a beautiful, personable figurehead of pure, classic beauty. She wore a pale pink dress that hugged her waist and flared out, cloth draping over her perfect shoulders and diamonds sparkling around her neck. Zelgadis' mouth went dry as she say next to him, exactly as he always had, as his heart sped up and skipped erraticly. She looked at the sun, slowly setting over the treetops, and smiled, Looking straight through him. If he noticed, she might have been looking at him. She might have been looking at what she thought she saw. Or she might be looking at what she wanted to see. But he was too breathless to care.
"How are you doing?"
Zelgadis bit back the stuttering, automatic reply and thought about it. "Terrible," He finally decided, leaning back. If he was miserable, she wouldn't care. "You?"
"I miss you."
Zelgadis' world dissolved into nothing as he stared wide eyes at the woman smiling hopefully at him. Twenty five years old, she looked younger, her blue eyes sparkling with something he didn't recognize. Blood rushed in his ears as he tried to think, tried to see past the rush of emotions that swelled up inside of him, tried to reason with himself against the frantic surge of hope that welled up and crashed over him in a sea of blue desperation.
"Do you?" He managed weakly, purple wisps of hair falling into sad, too-old eyes. "I wouldn't have thought so."
She nodded, moving closer. Zelgadis' world narrowed to the white gloved had closing on his and forgot everything. Forgot the month of pain, forgot the day of anguish, forgot the loss and loneliness and betrayal. Amelia sighed, raising her other hand to his face. Her shell-pink lips curved into a smile that made him melt, and she smelled like roses and ground pearls, just like she always had. Her thick black hair fell in perfect waves to her shoulders as she tipped her head forward, staring into cerulean eyes that could only stare. Her mouth opened and uttered the words that ripped at Zelgadis' will and reality --
"Want to... start again?"
"You utter and complete heartless bitch!!" Both Zelgadis and Amelia turned to the appalled redhead that stared at them with enraged ruby eyes, her black gloved fists clenching in anger. Her red hair fell like wildfire over her delicate shoulders swathed in purple, and she looked ready to leap at Amelia's throat at any moment. She advanced on the startled queen of Sailoon, fire flickering behind her eyes. "How dare you come running back to him? You threw him aside because you though you could change him, and now you're pulling hi back because you feel guilty! Because you don't have anyone to hold you anymore!" Amelia stood angrily, insulted and infuriated, and Lina continued. "You don't care if you hurt him again if you find out you were right the first time, you just don't want to be alone! You don't care about him, how dare you pretend to!" Lina hissed, spitting out the words with such venom that Zelgadis was completely taken aback.
Amelia snarled and glared at Lina, and there was no trace of friendship in her eyes. "Shut up, Lina," She hissed, her words turning bitter as she let them loose like poison. "Just because you're jealous doesn't mean you have to be a bitch about it." She moved towards Zelgadis, looking for unspoken support.
He was still. Amelia's eyes grew in anger as Zelgadis leaned forward and put his chin in his hands, as if thinking. She turned furiously towards Lina, throwing her anger into her words, making them swords that pierced at her heart.
"Gourry dumped you and you don't want anyone else to be happy! You were always like this, Lina, always! You only care about yourself -- you only want Zelgadis to be sad so you have some company. You -- "
"Amelia, don't you dare talk to Lina like that." Both pairs of feuding eyes snapped towards Zelgadis, who rose to meet Lina's. Even though he didn't need to check to know the truth, he saw no jealousy beneath the anger -- only worry.
Concern.
"What?" Amelia managed, her shoulders slumping. Zelgadis pushed on.
"I said don't talk like that to Lina. She's already in agony, you don't have to rub salt in her wounds. And she's not jealous." He moved to Lina's side, glaring down at the beautiful woman who was still so young. "Don't you ever accuse Lina of that again. She's the only goddamned soul who gives a damn about me, no matter how much you've convinced yourself otherwise. And she's right."
Amelia's eyes slitted, fists clenching inside their pristine white gloves. "You're right Zelgadis. I was a fool to think you could try again. I was a fool to think you could be anything but a spiteful, bitter jerk who is wrapped around the finger of that conniving slut. I'm sorry to have bothered you." She spun on a perfect white heel and stalked off, ignoring the concerned looks.
And Zelgadis collapsed into his seat once again, self-disgust and despair crashing into him. Lina clapped him on the back and grinned.
"We sure showed her, huh, Zel?"
Silence. Lina looked down at his slumped form, his face buried in his hands, and sat immediately next to him, her black wool cloak draping over the seat and her boot heels clicking against one another. "Zel?"
"I blew it." He whispered, ignoring the darkness falling around them as the sun left the sky, and the crown moving slowly towards the palace. I blew my only chance. I love her, and now I'll never.. I'll never..."
Lina held him tightly, rocking him slowly, "No." She hissed into his ear, clutching him tighter. "You're wrong, Zel."
"I can't even..."
"Zelgadis, listen to me." Lina took him by the chin and forced his face towards her, glaring into his eyes. "She didn't -- doesn't love you. You know that. She would have just hurt you more. You need to let go. All she'll do is rip you apart inside!" He looked away, and she jerked him back to face her. "Zelgadis, She only wanted comfort for her guilt and lonliness. You were the easy answer. Don't let her hurt you like this. Please."
"Without her.." Zelgadis chlenched his teeth and closed his eyes against tears. "Without her, I'm -- "
"Don't say it!" He looked suddenly back up and Lina, who's eyes were bright with suffocated tears. "Don't you dare say it! You're not alone, you're never alone, I swear to you forever! I'm here for you, no matter what, I'll do anything for you. Anything! I will never betray you, I promise, and you will never be alone! Ever!"
Zelgadis desperately searched for words, anything to convey his astoundment and gratitude.
"Thank you." And Lina smiled.
After all, it came the closest.
Chapter 5 | Fanfiction