Hi ya'll! I finished a new story! Completed and everything. I'm so happy (completed stories and myself don't usually fit in the same sentance.)
Anyway, this is a songfic. My second one, better then my first I should say. (I guess fics are like children, you screw up on the first ones but get progressively better on the rest :P)
The song is entitled Big, Big Girl by Emilia. The song is incircled in these: -
It has Zel/Lina pairing.. But I won't tell who the speaker is; though it's obvious - I guess it could go many ways though (or so I thought when I was writing it..)
Sorry, I'm rambling..
I'm a big, big girl in a big, big world
it's not a big big thing if you leave me
but I do do feel that I to to will
miss you much, miss you much
I miss him. A lot. There is a certain soul wrenching aching and constant supply of nausea that fill my world now. I guess I should hate you, but I can't. Just as I can't deny this feeling inside of me, even though I try.
It was a bright summers day, back then. Spring was back and life seemed to start off where it left, as if nothing had been amiss. That always intrigued me, this wonderful place always bouncing back. And I strived to live my life just that way, with no regrets.
And he was there, in a constant state of melancholy, his glorious spirit that renewed me always. Sitting there on a rough, speakled rock, picking at the new greenery at his feet, totally oblivious of me. As always. But still I looked on, watch carefully, studying, observing, mapping.
Drawing up my courage, I set out with knee wobbling and body quivering down the loose rumble path down to him. Stopping for just a moment, I shake my head and chide my actions - I'm a big girl now, I have no need for this child-like attitude of mine and I was certainly not going to allow them to govern me.
That made me feel better, so I continued on, bit strong in the heart and mind. Only a few feet away. Almost there, to him. But then he jerked his head left and I pause to see what has gotten his attention.
I can see that first leaf fallen
it's all yellow and nice
it's so very cold outside
Like the way I'm feeling inside
Her.
Lina. Why did she have to ruin my perfect moment, with her waving hands and bright smile. Why? And they don't even notice me, behind them, standing quietly, as they embrace each other with a fiercely unique brand of love. But I couldn't let these feelings - emotions - of mine show. It wouldn't be fair to them or to me. It was my fault, anyway. Why didn't I...
I turned around abruptly, though trying to cause as little sound as possible. It hurt me. It hurt to see them kiss, to see them hug, to see them do things that I will never get the chance to do with him.
His silvery hair and stoney skin; perfect was the only word that came to mind when I though of him. Zelgadis. With his sullen, down cast look that would make anyone feel pity for him; though it made me see the strength in him - drawing out feelings for him I never knew I had.
I'm a big, big girl in a big, big world
it's not a big, big thing if you leave me
but I do do feel that I to to will
miss you much, miss you much
But I saw the two of them together; happy. He never was that way with me. Never did his eye light up when I walked in the room, as the case of Lina. Never did he seem attached or even a bit interested in me.
It's okay, really. I understood and even though I knew I'd never 'have' him, I felt safe in the knowledge of always be by his side. That wass good enough for me.. I hoped.
A sudden breeze brushed up and a few stray strands of my hair flew into my face. Pushing them away with a swipe of my hand, I turned back to see the couple still locked in merriment. A wave of sickness passed through me, and I wobbled slowly back to the inn to be left to my own thoughts.
Outside, it's now raining
And tears are falling from my eyes
why did it have to happen
why did it all have to end
I must have had good timing back then, for a gentle rain soon started to fall from the heavens. I wondered briefly what Zelgadis and Lina are up to; are the caught up in the rain, are they back at the inn? Perhaps they are down at in the dining room; drinking coffee and pigging out as there respective personalities demanded.
As I lay there, the rain continued to pick up its own strength and again the thought of Zelgadis caught out in the storm scared me - though I have to admit that I wouldn't have cared if Lina was caught in it.
Sighing, I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes when the palms of my hands. Climbing out of the bed, I dusted the wrinkles out of my cloths. Having successfully completed this act, I head for the door.
I stoped in short of it's wide, oak frame and contemplate my actions. Did I have the right? Was it fair for me to go down and inquire in their business? Normally, this wouldn't bother me.. but they were together. And as stupid as that is a reason, I didn't want to ruin my chances of friendship with them.
But no harm, no foul, right? Being a concerned friend isn't a crime, is it?
I'm a big, big girl in a big, big world
it's not a big, big thing if you leave me
but I do do feel that I to to will
miss you much, miss you much
Out my door and down the corridor, I headed towards the chattering voices and smell of cooked meat. I rubbed my stomach as I realized for the first time in the day that I was hungry; I guess you don't realize things like hunger when your in love. Having not eaten all day, my pace increased until I was in the middle of the mass of faces.
Turning about me until I hunted down the savage sounds of Lina wolfing down her meal successfully, I gingerly moved across the floor to them. Taking a sit, I momentarily look at Zelgadis and Lina, who were in attendance.
"Hey, what's up? You look down," Lina gave me a concerned look, stopping her incredible intake of food.
I waved it off. "I'm just hungry. I haven't eaten all day." Wincing, I realized how pathetic that sounded but noticed that no one was paying attention.
No biggy. Waving my arm to get the weighters attention, I ordered a simple meal of meat and potato. Just enough to get by, I wasn't in the mood to enjoy my meal.
Eating in silence, I tried not to notice the looks that Zelgadis and Lina sent to one another, as if locked in some kind of lovers game. It disgusted me, making me give up my appatite.
Getting up, I leave my picked at plate to Lina, telling her that I suddenly didn't have a desire to eat.
I could feel Lina's eyes burning my back as I walked out of the room and into my small courters.
I have your arms around me
warm and fire
but when I open my eyes
your gone
Gasping, I sat up in my rather lumpy bed, trying to shake the dream from my mind. The dream that's always the same; the dream that always torchures me. Zelgadis and I, arm in arm, legs intertwined, and we are happy. Content to spend the night in each others company.
Then I'd wake, to this cold reality; alone. It's always the same; always heart breaking.
Why does it seem to me that I've been curse? To have such feelings - such raw emotions - for someone and never get to show them. Why does it seem that fate is laughing at me.
But I shruged it off. It wasn't my place, nor did I wish to dwell there. And time heals pain, right?
I'm a big, big girl in a big, big world
it's not a big, big thing if you leave me
but I do do feel that I to to will
miss you much miss you much
Besides, I had too much to lose if I let these emtions out. Too much was at stake for me. Even though Lina had taken Zelgadis away from me, I couldn't over look all that she has done for me. All her friendship, all her help.
Something like this would just kill any chances of a real friendship I had with Zelgadis. Even though could never be with him, I could still love him from a distance. And still joke around with him, laugh with him, travel with him. Maybe I'd be invited to there wedding, if they have one.
That wass much from important then these feelings... And if I kept telling myself this, I know I'll eventually belief it.
I'm a big, big girl in a big, big world
it's not a big, big thing if you leave me
but I do feel that I will miss you much
miss you much
So I'd decided to act as if nothing is amiss, to harden my heart and lock away my presious feelings. Besides, I'm a big girl now. I had to start acting like one.
But still I miss him - or should I say I miss what chance I might have had to win him over. Now I'm content to just follow them. Who knows, maybe their is someone out there made just for me; like Zelgadis and Lina.