Casting
The entire Slayers gang is in Kalis' small apartment. Considering the amount of people, Kalis is frantically trying to get everyone's attention. She decides to flick the lights on and off like in elementary school.
Kalis: Okay everyone, gather around. It's time to begin (pause for dramatic effect) Slayers: Robin Hood!
Minna: (unethusiastically) Yeah.
Kalis: I knew you were excited. Now here's the casting list.
Robin Hood -- Zelgadis Greywords
Maiden Mirium -- Lina Inverse
Little John -- Gourry Gabriev
Mirium's Handmaiden -- Philia Ul Copt
Prince John -- Zelas Metallium
Sherriff of Nottingham -- Xellos Metallium
King Richard -- Lei Magnus Shabranigdo
Merry Men -- Any extras laying around
Minna (sans Xellos and Zelas): Shabranigdo!!!!
Philia: The demon lord. He can't play King Richard. Richard was supposed to be a good man .. and -- and the Demon Lord.
Kalis: It's my play and what I say goes. So there. :P
Amelia: What?! I'm not even in the play. Why can't I be Mirium? I am a princess and she is almost a princess and I ...
Kalis: (interupting Amelia) I don't like you and I do like Zelgadis; so I thought I'd be nice and not put him through that torture. Besides, I have an incy bit of a Zel/Lina bias.
Zelgadis: If you like me so much, then how about leaving me out of this play.
Zelas: What are you doing casting me as Prince John. He's a man. I thought we were friends.
Kalis: We are friends ... uh .. how about changing it to Princess Jane. You don't have to do much work. Just boss around Xellos.
Xellos: Are you going to be in the play, Kali-chan. When do we get to have our big lemon scene?
Kalis: I am the narrator/director/ect. As to your second question ... maybe afterwards.
Philia: I can't believe you are associating with that horrible, namagomi, baka ... (sees Kalis' smiling face) okay, I guess I can believe it. You are just as bad as he is.
Kalis: Okay Minna-san. No more whining. All casting positions are final. Oh and Zelas? try to control your drooling, Lei is playing you brother. Anyone not in my play can go home if they wish.
Let's Begin!
Scene One: The backround is Mirium's room in the castle.
Kalis: Mirium and her handmaiden are ... Hold it! Cut! Cut! Amelia! Where's Lina, and what are you doing in her dress?!
Amelia: I don't know where Lina is. Besides, I think that I look much better in this dress.
Gourry: (from backstage) Oi, Kalis, I found Lina. (to Lina) Why did you tie yourself to your chair. Your supposed to be on stage now.
Lina: I didn't tie myself to the chair, Kurage! She (points to Amelia) caught me from behind, tied me down, gagged me, and stole my dress.
Xellos: Can we hurry this up people.
Zelas: What's wrong Xellos? I thought that you liked doing these kind of plays.
Xellos: I do. It's just that the sooner we get this over with, the sooner I get my make-out session with Kali-chan.
Kalis: (blushing BRIGHT red) Um .. ahem ... Okay! Amelia, give Lina back her dress. You are not going to be in my production. Everyone else, to your places. We will skip the first scene, nothing important happens there anyway.
Scene Two: The middle of the forest.
Kalis: In the dense vegetation of Gourry's head -- I mean Sherwood Forest we find a small clearing. There we see Robin Hood, Little John, and a few faceless, nameless, Merry Men, who aren't worth mentioning, and are only going to be backround ...
Rezo: Just because I am blind, doesn't mean I don't have a face.
Kalis: Shut up Rezo. Anyways, the group is talking about how they had a great day of robbing the rich and giving to the poor, yadda yadda yadda. Little John then notices that Robin Hood was sitting over to the side and staring into space.
Gourry: Hey Zel, what're doing over there (Kalis: psst. Gourry, he's Robin Hood. You are Little John. Remember!!) Oh yeah. Robin, what's on your mind.
Zelgadis: I was just thinking about how uncomfortable these tights are and that I don't want to be here.
Kalis: (calmly walks over to Zel and .. smacks him in the head with her script.) Stick to the script, stone boy.
Zelgadis: I was just dreaming of my lost love. My lost love? (recieves a warning glare from Kalis) But alas, it can never be, for I am an outlaw. (mutters to himself) What cheesy dialog.
Kalis: (sing-songy) I heard that Zel-kun.
Amelia: You should enter the archery contest, Robin Hood. Your the best there is, and think of all the justice we could do with the prize money.
Kalis: Amelia, how'd you get back on my set. Security!
Amelia: I am a Merry WoMan. It is unjust to discriminate based on race and/or gender. Therefore, I have come to right this wrong.
Kalis: I wasn't discriminating towards women. I was discriminating towards you. Oh well, I give up. Get back to the story.
Valgarv: I heard that the winner will get to marry Maiden Mirium. However, you will need a disguise so you don't get caught.
Amelia: Oh, I can take care of that.
Scene Three: The throne room.
Kalis: Prince John and
Zelas: Excuse me?
Kalis: Sorry, forgot. Princess Jane and the Sherriff of Nottingham were in the throne room discussing the upcoming tornament.
Xellos: You mean if I win the archery tournament, then I get to marry Mirium.
Zelas: Yes, and you know what to do if you see Robin Hood.
Xellos and Zelas: (do the whole evil laugh thing)
Scene Four: The Archery Tournament
Kalis: As the rest of the Merry Men stayed behind in the forest, Robin Hood and Little John decided to enter the tournament in disguise. (sees Zel and Gourry dressed as Gadis and Miss Lala from Slayers Next) What are you guys doing dressed like that!
Zelgadis: Amelia decided that these were the best disguises and she wouldn't take no for an answer.
Kalis: I guess that those are going to have to do. We don't have time to scrape off the makeup. As the tournament began, everyone was surprised to see the two women competing .. even the Sherriff of Nottingham.
Xellos: (thinking out loud) I wonder were Robin Hood is. Ooh that chimera over there is awfully sexy. Wait! Chimera? That must be Robin Hood.
Kalis: Little John had forgotten his bow and arrows, so he threw his sword at the target. It was a perfect bulls-eye, but swords were illegal and he was disqualified. After the first round there were only two opponents left. Robin Hood (Gadis) and the Sherriff of Nottingham. The second round required magic arrows.
Xellos: Freeze Arrow! Perfect Bulls-eye.
Zelgadis: Flare Arrow!
Kalis: Robin Hood's Flare Arrow melted the Sherriff's arrow, and Robin Hood won the tournament. However since everyone believed he was a girl, he did not get to marry Mirium. Instead, she had to marry the second runner up.
Philia: There is no way that I'll allow Maiden Mirium to marry that baka-yarou, namagomi Sherriff ...
Kalis: As the handmaiden continued her rant, Princess Jane and the Sherriff of Nottingham proceeded in their plan to capture Robin Hood. As soon as Robin tried to collect the prize money, the Sherriff ripped off his dress and exposed the true Robin Hood underneath. And before any of you fangirls get too excited, he still has on a tank-top and shorts.
Zelas: Robin Hood, for crimes against the crown, I sentence you to death by the guillotine.
Xellos: Guillotine?
Kalis: I like the Guillotine. Robin Hood was tied up and drug away by the guards.
Scene Five: The Execution
Kalis: There is a large crowd gathered to watch the execution. Mirium is off to the side weeping over the loss of her love .. and the fact that she has to marry the Sherriff afterwards. Robin Hood is brought out and placed into the guillotine.
Lina: Please, please Princess Jane, don't kill Robin Hood.
Zelas: (thoughtful) Well, he has been nothing but a nuissance, so ... off with his head! (to herself) This really is corny dialog.
Kalis: I heard that one too. Anyways, the executioner released the blade. However Robin Hood did not die. Being part golem, the blade shattered on impact. The Merry Men jumped out of the crowd, released Robin, and captured the Princess and the Sherriff.
Lina: Robin Hood, will you marry me.
Zelgadis: Of course I will, my love.
Lina: I just have one condition. I will wear the dress at the wedding. Although you look very pretty in a dress, noone shows me up. Well, I am in a dress now ...
Kalis: Robin Hood remembers that Rezo is a priest and pulls him out of the Merry Men. Alright Rezo hurry it up and marry them. Fast foward to the good part.
Rezo: If anyone disagrees with these two being married, speak now or forever hold your peace ...
Lei: Wait stop! I have been off fighting in the Second Kouma War and nobody's doing anything until you let my General and her Priest go.
Kalis: King Richard you are supposed to demand a kiss from the bride.
Lei: Ooh .. (looks over to Lina) .. ok-ay.
Lina and Zelas: WHAT!
Kalis: King Richard walked over to Mirium and proceeded to kiss her. (sees Lina chanting) Lina don't you dare dragu slave him! It wouldn't work anyway. Disaster narrowly avoided, the Princess and Sherriff were released and Rezo continued the wedding.
Rezo: I now pronounce you two man and wife.
Minna: Yeah! Long live Robin and Mirium!
Kalis: And the two lived happily ever after hunting bandits and looking for Robin's chimera cure.
The End
Amelia: Um .. Kalis, they aren't really married are they?
Kalis: Well, Amelia, Rezo is a real priest, and he did pronounce them man and wife. I'd say they are legally married.
Zel, Lina and Amelia: WHAT!
Amelia: It was just a play. None of this was for real.
Lina: Oh well, I guess it's not so bad.
Zelgadis: I can live with it.
Zelgadis and Lina linked arms and went off to find a quiet place to .. um .. consummate their marraige. Zelas walks up to Kalis.
Zelas: Where's Lei?
Kalis: Oh, I only had permission to resurect him for the play. Now that it's over, he's dead again.
Zelas: Why didn't you tell me that? I didn't even get to say goodbye.
Kalis: (sympathetically) I know, but I wanted everybody to concentrate on my production.
Philia: You seemed to be in a hurry to finish the play Kalis. Why is that?
Kalis: Well, the sooner it ended, the sooner I could get to better things. (looks over as Xellos and smiles)
Philia: (remebering what Kalis just meant) You can't be serious. He's a mazoku! (again looks at Kalis' and Xellos' identical smiles) I forgot, you two are exactly alike.
Kalis: Damn straight. Now everyone go home. Show's over, nothing left to see here.
Xellos and Kalis look into eachother's eyes and are about to kiss, when ...
Kalis: What are you doing still reading this. I said the show was over. Go on. Ja ne.