Judge Judy Toontown Tokyo/Slayers NEXT

VOICE OVER: Judge Judy ... This is her Courtroom - And she can keep it - The Cases are Unreal, The People are even less so, the rulings ... are the only sane thing on this show.

(Scenes of Judge Judy holding forth, rotating into the image of a courthouse.)

VOICE OVER: Today on Judge Judy...

JUDGE JUDY: (Glares off camera) Do I look like I have STUPID written on my forehead? (Gestures at her forehead with finger, as the word 'STUPID' slowly appears.)

ZELGADIS: (Sweatdrop) Well, now that you mention it

XELLOS: /^-^\

(Switch to Rina glaring at Xellos and preparing a Dragon Slave.)

RINA: Darkness from twilight, crimson from blood that flows...

VOICE OVER: And now... Judge Judy.

(Switch to courtroom door.)

VOICE OVER: Today's Plaintiff: Zelgadis Greywars.

(Zelgadis enters the room, cloak covering his head and a sword at his side. Burt takes the sword and gestures for him to take his place. He is accompanied by Rina, Gourry, Amelia and Martina.)

VOICE OVER.: Mr. Greywars claims the defendant -- Xelloss Metallium -- consistently interfered with his efforts to retrieve a copy of the Claire Bible, thus preventing him from finding a cure for the disfiguring skin disease with which he's afflicted. He's suing the defendant for expenses, health care, and pain and suffering.

(Xelloss enters, smiles all around. He waves at Zelgadis, who glares at him.)

VOICE OVER: Xelloss Metallium doesn't deny that he interfered with Zelgadis' quest but says that he was under orders and that the Claire Bible doesn't have a cure anyway. He claims he owes the defendant nothing.

(Pan from defendant to plaintiff; Xelloss hasn't lost his smile and Zelgadis has a cloud of blue lines hanging over him.)

VOICE OVER: And now Judge Judy.

(Switch to Judge Judy entering the courtroom. She takes a look at her current case and raises a brow, then takes her seat.)

Burt: Everyone come to order. The parties have been sworn in Judge... well the plaintiffs have... (glances at Xellos, then looks back at the audience) You may be seated. (The audience sits.)

JUDGE JUDY: (Looks at Xelloss) Burt tells me you refuse to swear in? Is this true?

XELLOS: (Smiles) Ma'am, I'm a Mazoku. Are you trying to kill me?

JUDGE JUDY: (Eyes narrow.) Ma Zoku?

XELLOS: Or Mazo Ku. Take your pick.

AUTHOR: Ma-Zoku = Demon People, Mazo Ku = Masochist Pain (Thanks to Harukami San for this information. Heh.)

JUDGE JUDY: (Considers this. Eyes light up.) Which Master?

XELLOS: (Surprised expression) Er... Juu Ou Sama...

JUDGE JUDY: (Pleased.) Good! Swear by her, then!

XELLOS: (sweat drop) Oh, very well. (Burt goes over, carrying a book bound in what might be human skin - gingerly - and Xelloss swears in. Smoke roils around him and he's briefly zorched. When smoke clears he looks rather like someone who's just had a night of it.) Thank you Juu Ou Sama.

JUU OU SAMA: (From out of nowhere) You're welcome Xel-chan. Good luck. I think you'll need it.

JUDGE JUDY: (turns to look at Zelgadis) Now, you, young man. Take off that hood.

ZELGADIS: (Embarrassed.) I'd... rather not, ma'am.

JUDGE JUDY: (Considers this) Are you that disfigured?

AMELIA: Oh he's not that bad looking, once you get used to the rocks...

ZELGADIS: (Glares at Amelia) Thanks a lot.

JUDGE JUDY: And who are you, young lady?

AMELIA: (Obviously excited to be here) I'm Amelia wil Tesla Sailune, Princess of Sailune.

JUDGE JUDY: Well, Princess, until you're called, you can sit down and be quiet. (While Amelia, embarassedly, goes back to her seat, Judge Judy turns back to look at Zel.) Show me your face. I'll decide if it's that bad.

(Camera shot of Zel from behind as he raises the hood enough to show his features to the Judge.)

JUDGE JUDY: I've seen worse. C-Ko, for example.

(Entire Slayers Cast, including Xelloss, face faults.)

JUDGE JUDY: Take off the hood, young man.

ZELGADIS: (Unwillingly complies. Various audience members swoon.) You see?

JUDGE JUDY: (Glances into the audience and notes certain fan-girls raising signs with Zelgadis' name on them.) I don't think they're fainting for the reason you think. (Sighs.) In any case, let's get it on and get it... no, wait, that's Mills' line. (Looks off at the camera.) Sorry dear.

AUTHOR: Judge Mills Lane, another TV Judge and the ref in the infamous Tyson fight.

JUDGE JUDY: (Looks back at Zelgadis.) Now, let me see if I understand your case. You say that you've been searching for a cure and believe it to be available in something called the Claire Bible?

ZELGADIS: (Nods.) That's right. It's a holy book written by the Water Dragon, Aqua. I'd been searching for a copy and he (glares at Xelloss) keeps interfering. He told us where one copy was, then, just as I got my hands on it, he burned it up. Then he kept leading us on wild goose chases - deliberately getting us into the most embarrassing positions possible.

JUDGE JUDY: So you say in your statement. Tell me something, Zelgadis. Why is it, after this man... er... demon... has proved himself untrustworthy, do you continue to let him lead you into trouble?

ZELGADIS: (sweat drops.)

XELLOS: Self-destructive tendencies? Masochism? He's secretly in love with me? (A glare from Judge Judy shuts him up, but does nothing to wipe the smile off.)

JUDGE JUDY: If I need your help I'll ask for it. (Looks back at Zelgadis.) Well?

ZELGADIS: It's just that... I'm sort of desperate. He knows it and keeps tempting me to follow... (Zelgadis' voice dies off.)

JUDGE JUDY: (Eyes narrow) Do I look like I have STUPID written on my forehead? (Gestures at her forehead with finger, as the word 'STUPID' slowly appears.)

(Switch to Zelgadis.)

ZELGADIS: (Sweatdrop) Well, now that you mention it...

XELLOS: /^-^\

(Judge Judy pauses, reaches into her desk and comes up with a mirror. Examining her forehead she holds her hand out to Burt.)

JUDGE JUDY: (Deadly calm) A handkerchief please, Burt.

(Burt gives the Judge a handkerchief and she wipes the word off. She looks at Xelloss.)

XELLOS: Well, you did ask.

JUDGE JUDY: Don't!! play games with me, young man. Any more of this nonsense and you're out of here.

XELLOS: Hai hai. (Still smiling)

JUDGE JUDY: (Turns to Burt and hands him the hankie) Burt - take care of that irritating smile for me.

BURT: Yes ma'am. (Burt walks over to Xelloss and uses the handkerchief to literally wipe the smile off his face.)

XELLOS: (Distressed voice) Yare yare.

ZELGADIS: You see, ma'am?

JUDGE JUDY: (Looks at Zelgadis) Oh, I believe you when you say he likes to play with your mind. What I'm trying to understand is why you keep letting him.

(Shot of Xellos using a marker to redraw his face.)

RINA: He's clever. He always has a plausible excuse. And he's never really lied to us, after all.

XELLOS: (Having restored his smile.) Not to mention they're gullible.

RINA: (Eyes narrow as she turns to look at Xelloss) Darkness from twilight, crimson from blood that flows...

JUDGE JUDY: (Deep breath) Balance of mercy and law, Justice beyond humanity. I pledge myself to the Law and Order that keeps all things together. Let my power and thine become one that those who defy us be controlled. LEGAL BOOK! (She throws something at Rina.)

(A large, incredibly heavy, book strikes Rina mid-forehead, knocking her over and out.)

XELLOS: Kowaii-desu. (Eyes actually open.)

AMELIA: (Leaps up.) Incredible. What a wonderful example of Justice at work! I am so very Impressed. It's great to see the Power of Justice operating with such Beautiful Perfection. Truly Marvelous.... I'm so glad to see that you will provide the Just and Right Thing To Do... (Her babble continues as Xelloss' expression turns sick and he curls up into a ball of agony.)

XELLOS: Righteousness... Can't stand righteousness... Going to... faint...

(Amelia's babble continues. Zelgadis' expression is pained. Gourry just looks confused and Martina disgusted. Rina lies on the floor and quivers.)

JUDGE JUDY: (Takes a deep breath and speaks sharply.) Young lady! (After several repetitions, Amelia shuts up.) Which of us is the Judge here?


JUDGE JUDY: (Sternly) Then sit down and be quiet.

AMELIA: But...

JUDGE JUDY: (Points finger at Amelia) Gag of Silence. (A band of energy covers Amelia's mouth and she falls back and sits down, looking stunned.)

XELLOS: (Raises head and looks around.) Is it safe?

JUDGE JUDY: Get up and stop fooling around.

XELLOS: (Hurries to obey.)

JUDGE JUDY: (Looks at Zelgadis.) Now then. We've heard from two of your witnesses and it's obvious they haven't much more to say. What about the blonde?

GOURRY: (Looks up from reading a book entitled 'Digby and Penguin go Quantity Surveying') Hmmm?

JUDGE JUDY: (Glares at the book.) Young man... (Pauses, looks at Gourry and quickly determines that it isn't worth the effort.) What do you know about the problems Zelgadis has had with Xelloss?

GOURRY: (Considers this.) Uhm... How do you mean?

ZELGADIS: (Sweatdrop.) She wants you tell her how Xelloss keeps getting us into trouble.

GOURRY: (Puzzled.) Oh we're always in trouble. Do we really need Xelloss for that?

ZELGADIS: (Irritably.) He's a Mazoku, remember?

GOURRY: Nine bean paste? (The rest of the cast face faults.)

ZELGADIS: That's MISOKU! And it isn't a word anyway!

JUDGE JUDY: Zelgadis, I think this line of questioning might be beyond this young man. (Zelgadis sighs and nods.) Gourry, go back to your book.

(With a shrug, Gourry goes back to his seat and continues reading. Quick shot of him turning the pages sideways and looking at a fold-out.)

JUDGE JUDY: And what about you. What's your name? (She looks at Martina.)

MARTINA: Martina Zoana Mel Navratilova. I'm here to tell you what a horrible creature that Mazoku is. (She glares at Xelloss, who somehow has regained some of his jauntiness. - Hard to keep a good... er... bad... Mazoku down.) He played with my heart. Made me believe that he would join me in worship of the Great Zomalgusta and rule by my side. (Sobs) It was horrible when I finally discovered he was a Mazoku!

JUDGE JUDY: And this proves...

MARTINA: How horrible he is. A betrayer of a Maiden's True Hope! (She raises her hand and leans back, looking melodramatic, tears flowing.) Zomalgusta would have punished him for his cruelty to me, had I not found my wonderful Songulus. (Switch to Songulus sitting in the audience dressed in the same costume he wore at his wedding - Martina won't let him dress in anything else. - sweatdropping.) Isn't that right, my master. (Leans back slightly and puts her hand to her cheek in the classic evil lord expression.) That's quite right, my Servant. (Her voice deepens as she speaks.)

JUDGE JUDY: (Sighs.) Thank you. But it seems there's no argument about Xelloss' personality. Even from Xelloss.

XELLOS: May I say something?


XELLOS: (Shrugs.)

JUDGE JUDY: (Sighs again, even more long suffering.) Oh, all right. What.

XELLOS: I don't deny playing mind-games with Zelgadis and the others, but I'm afraid most of Martina's assumptions about our relationship are just that. After all, this is the woman who decided Gourry was her fiancee just from looking at him. (He shrugs.) I admit I didn't disabuse her of the notion, but...

JUDGE JUDY: Noted. (Turns back to Martina who is glaring daggers at Xelloss.) Young lady, all things considered, you'd best sit down. Burt, pass her a copy of my book, Beauty Fades, Dumb is Forever.

AUTHOR: Blatant Plug.

JUDGE JUDY: And that will be enough interruptions from you, young woman.

AUTHOR: (Sweatdrop) Hai! Sheindlen-Sama!

(Unwillingly, Martina obeys.)

JUDGE JUDY: (Looks at Xelloss.) Well now. I've heard the plaintiffs. What about you? Your statement says that you did everything Zelgadis claims. I don't suppose you have any reason why you don't owe him what he's asking for?

XELLOS: (Shrugs.) Well, I was under orders from my Mistress. Zel-chan really should be suing her.

JUU OU SAMA: (From out of nowhere) I'll get you for that, Xel-chan.

XELLOS: (Rubs the back of his head embarrassedly) Uh oh.

JUDGE JUDY: Juu Ou-sama, with all due respect, please don't interrupt. I'm doing just fine without your help.

JUU OU SAMA: (A bit sulkily) Oh, very well.

JUDGE JUDY: That isn't much of an excuse, Xelloss. If you feel it's Her responsibility then you'll have to sue her.

XELLOS: (Sweatdrop) Ano... I think I'll pass.

JUDGE JUDY: (Looks satisfied.) It's your choice. Now then. Why does your master want you to cause Zelgadis and the others trouble?

XELLOS: (Shakes finger.) Sore wa... Himitsu desu.

JUDGE JUDY: (Points a finger at him.) Don't start that. Answer my question.

XELLOS: (Embarassed) But it really is a secret. Juu Ou-sama would be very very annoyed with me if I told you. And I'm already in trouble as it stands.

JUDGE JUDY: (Considers this and makes an obvious decision.) In that case, do you have any other reasons why I shouldn't find against you?

XELLOS: Er... Not really.

JUDGE JUDY: (Looks at Zelgadis.) All right. Tell me exactly what you're suing for.

ZELGADIS: Ma'am? I just...

JUDGE JUDY: (Exasperated expression) The amount, Zelgadis. Not the reason.

ZELGADIS: (Comprehension dawns.) Oh. Well, actually there wasn't much money... I'm really suing for the trouble he's caused me and the pain and suffering.

JUDGE JUDY: (Puts down her pen and looks at Zelgadis with irritation.) You didn't have to follow him on every wild goose chase. You don't get pain and suffering.

ZELGADIS: (Looks disconcerted.) But...

JUDGE JUDY: You chose to let him trick you, knowing what sort of person he is. You don't get paid for being stupid.

ZELGADIS: (Hurt.) But...

JUDGE JUDY: Now, exactly what money are you out because of Xelloss.

ZELGADIS: (Sweatdrop) A thousand total. Ten gold for a new suit, when his fire spell charred it. A hundred gold for bail for my arrest at that weirdo town of cross-dressing freaks - for indecent exposure. Two hundred gold for the psychologist I had to see after having to help Rina and Amelia sing that idol song... A total of 140 gold for various repairs to my skin. Cement, iron, the like - after he got us into a fight with Mario Garve and Seigrum. Plus 550 gold for damages to my reputation because of the fan-fic writers who keep PAIRING US UP!!!

XELLOS: (Grin broadens and he flutters his lashes at Zelgadis. Quite a feat for someone whose eyes are closed.)

JUDGE JUDY: The last strikes me as being the fault of the fanfic writers, not Xellos.

XELLOS: (Nods emphatically but with a noticeable lack of sincerity.)


JUDGE JUDY: Not his fault. (She glances at Burt.) What do his numbers add up to, without that last?

BURT: 450 gold.

JUDGE JUDY: All right. 450 gold to the plaintiff. Case Closed. (She taps her gavel.)

(Judge Judy rises and walks out. No one, except Xelloss, looks too happy.)

VOICE OVER: And now let's talk to the participants.

(Scene switch to outside the courtroom. Rina is rubbing her head and looking irritated. Amelia is rubbing her freed mouth and looking unhappy. Gourry is still reading. Martina is cuddling up to Songulus, who looks very embarrassed. Zel is glaring at the far too pleased with himself Xellos.)

ZELGADIS: She has no idea what it's like to be around this guy. He's trouble. That's all there is to it. Catch me ever trusting him again.

XELLOS: Poor Zel-chan. I don't know why he's so anxious for a cure. I think he looks just fine as he is. (Ping sound as he taps Zelgadis' shoulder.)

ZELGADIS: Don't... do... that! (Throttles Xelloss) I'm just glad this is over. Now I can go back to looking for the Claire Bible.

XELLOS: (Taps Zelgadis again. Some people never learn.) You know I think I heard of one in the lair of Tiamat. (His voice is a little strained, since Zelgadis is still throttling him.)

ZELGADIS: Tiamat? Who?

XELLOS: Just a little dragon. I'm sure that, with Rina's help, we could get it easily.

ZELGADIS: Tell me where. (Drags Xelloss off, a bit absent mindedly.)

RINA: (Looks and Gourry and Amelia) Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

GOURRY: Uhm... I think so, Rina. But it's all right. Most women have bigger breasts than you do.

(Sound of a fireball going off.)

VOICE OVER: Next time on Judge Judy.

(Image of Carrot at the Plaintiff's position)

Carrot: They beat me all the time, ma'am. My hospital bills are incredible. And nobody helps and... has anyone told you how beautiful you are?