This is an original song, World of Shadows by Jeanne Whistler, (I only changed two words in it), has not been published yet. The music to it is original also, so it's unknown. It reads well, so just read and enjoy. I have permission from the person who wrote the words and came up with the music to use it in my story.
The world I see within your eyes is more than I can bear,
Xellos looked over to the laughing sorceress. She and Amelia were giggling over this and that as Zelgadis sipped his hot beverage and Gourry gorged on his food. Xellos held a frown on his face that night as he stared at the fiery sorceress. Watching as her face lit up in mirth.
He opened his eyes to look at her with his steady gaze and as Amelia turned to take another bite of her food, Lina sensed she was being watched and turned to Xellos. Her smile brought a sharp pain to his heart as he actually looked into her eyes.
He looked into her ruby depths seeing only happiness. He had never seen such innocent joy before. The fact she was so naive reminded him all the more he could never have her. Sure she had a temper, but that had nothing to do with innocence. He turned his head away at what he saw in her eyes, closing his eyes once more turning to the wall.
For all I've lived is shadowed lies,
and dreams turn to despair,
His eyes had seen too much destruction, murder, a horrible past no one could fathom. Darkness had been his companion. Deceitful lies he used so often, was all he had. That's all he had ever really been shown.
And then he met her. Her fiery, innocent view on life. Her bravery and her determanation. All had immediately made him want to have her. The darkness inside him longed to consume her, to break her. And than there was something he felt, that he had denied for over a thousand years. Something inside wished to possess her for himself, to hold her forever and keep her just as she was. To love her.
There is no where for me to turn,
No place that I call home.
He had been everywhere a person could go, lived for a very long time and done many things. But he had never been anywhere long, for there was nothing to hold him there. He had no place to belong. No place to call 'home'.
For none will dare to call me friend,
Soul-shattered I still roam,
He barely remembered what it was to be human. But when Lina came near him, unbidden emotions rose within him. No one ever trusted him. No one called him friend. They did so wisely. For if he ever lost interest in them he would dispose of them when he felt they had lost their use.
But Lina, she was something he wanted that would not come to him. She would not trust him, for she knew him. But not as well as she thought. 'Would you still stay in the same room with me if you knew the real me?' he thought to himself. 'Would you dare turn your head from me if you knew what I have done and could do, whenever I wanted?'
No.
She wouldn't. If she ever saw his real smile, his true self, instead of the false front and smiles he let others see, she would be terrified. Yes, his little Lina-chan would be. What he held behind his lids was years of malice, cold-blooded murder, and betrayal. And he couldn't care less.
But when he looked to her.... he felt his shame rise like bile in his throat.
Him. The Mazoku General and Priest. Feeling guilt..
She probably would never speak to him again if she ever found out just how he became a general. What a story behind that. For there had been a time when he had only been a priest
No matter what I feel for you,
I can not stay for long.
He knew he loved her. He wished it wasn't that way because it could cause problems. What if his mistress were to order Lina-chan's death? He didn't honestly think he could of...
Yes he could. He was a Mazoku. Bound to honor and obey his mistress.
No matter what.
The longer he stayed with her the more difficult it would become not to try and take her. Seduce her. Make her want him as much as he wanted her. To have her in every sense of the word. For him and him alone.
For everything I touch will die,
What we have now is wrong.
He wanted to touch her, skin to skin, kiss her lips and drink of her. But all those he had taken as lovers had all ended up dead. Everything wilted and died under his touch. And he could not stand the thought that his Lina-chan could be a victim too.
But he could not bare just standing around being a 'guide' sometimes. Or a little 'follower'. It was not enough for him to just be there. He wanted her. More than he could express. This state of being an 'acquaintance' of hers... It was not right. It didn't Feel right.
My love destroys my heart and soul,
The love he felt for her along with his desire, was killing him. Knowing she would not have him. For he was a Mazoku. 'Uncapable' of loving. As if it was beyond his knowledge or skill. Lina had said so herself once, and it had been like a dagger in his heart.
"Mazoku can't love. They only know anger, hate, revenge, pain... everything that destroys humans."
She tears my world in two,
He had felt hate and despair stir inside him, from that simple statement. He wanted to prove her wrong, now more than ever... and he wanted to hurt her too, for hurting him. To hurt and love her. Two opposites. He didn't know what he wanted to do.
Any and all humans and or Mazoku he had loved had been killed. Of the very few who had hurt him like she could, and had, none had survived to tell their story.
Yet over the time he had been with her, he had seen her change towards him. She was smiling so much more at him. Trying to get him to be with the group, to keep him from excluding himself.
Maybe she did care....
Forever in this timeles realm,
Is where I'd love to stay,
If only he could keep it like this. She was so happy and seemingly so open. It made him want and love her all the more. As he watched her smile at him, she stood up declaring herself tired. She bid them all goodnight as they too went to go to bed. As the group began to leave she hesitated and seemed unable to move from the table as Xellos looked at her.
"Miss Lina?" Amelia's voice asked hesitantly from behind her.
"I'll be there." she said and turned back from her to him again.
"Yes, Lina-chan?" Xellos asked. He could sense she wanted something.
She remained silent for a moment, "Xellos? Have you ever loved someone but knew they would never be able to return it?"
He raised his eyebrows. He knew that she believed Mazoku never loved. Why was she asking him? Could it be the chimera she loved, and so he was the only reasonable person to ask? Mazoku or no? His chest constricted in an inner pain.
"Yes, my Lina-chan - " he stood up and opened his eyes, to gaze at her, Lina seemed to start in surprise as she looked into his amythest depths. He stepped very close to her and resisted the temptation to caress her face oh so gently. "I have."
He stared into her eyes intensely and she seemed to have lost her train of thought.
"Goodnight - " he bowed his head to her as indication of the parting, "Lina-chan."
Lina could only watch as he chose to walk out the inn's door in silence. When he was a distance away he whispered, "Aisherteru."
Knowing she would never love him back.
I wait for her to change,
To care,
I'm dreaming of that day.