Of Girls and Boys


My brother Xelloss and I were tending the cornfields one day when we heard a peculiar noise. It sounded like someone shouted "fireball," and was accompanied by a loud explosion. Turning to the direction of the disturbance, we found a short person with red hair, standing over the edge of a smoking new crater, with a body down below that was wrecked beyond recognition. Unknown to the stranger, my brother crept up from behind and went into a tackle. Red-hair promptly put up a struggle, but Xelloss was experienced in this kind of thing. He merely reached for the stranger's chest and groped, which produced a very flush face and a frozen physique.

Getting closer, I got a good look at Red-hair up and down, who had red eyes as well. I knew what my brother was thinking, so I said the opposite. "It's a guy," I remarked falsely. Xelloss promptly face-faulted.

"Have your brains turned to stone in the sun, Zelgadiss? It's obviously a girl," my brother defended.

"Well, take a look at it. The chest is pretty flat," I pointed out. Red-hair instantly lunged at me, pulling me into a headlock-noogie.

Pulling the stranger off me, Xelloss noted in a satisfied voice, "Any person who's conscious of breast size has got to be a girl."

"I still say it's a guy," I said stubbornly, and it continued like that into lunch time. We even forgot to ask the stranger's name as we went back inside the house for lunch. It got so out of hand that our mother rounded on us and bopped our heads with the frying pan.

"Didn't Father and I teach you two not to argue when food's on the table?" she admonished "What are you two fighting about now?" We took her to the stranger, who got a lot of eyeing from her. "It's, uh," Mom stammered, bringing out a Japanese-Filipino dictionary from behind and leafed through it. Finding what she wanted, she put back away the book and declared victoriously, "Definitely a binalalake, a boyish-looking girl (Damn local dubbing, she muttered under her breath)." The stranger blanched.

"Bishonen," our father said, seemingly appearing out of nowhere, "Japanese for beautiful boy." Mother, Xelloss, the stranger and I face-faulted; how does he do that?

"Are you blind, squint-eyes?!" Mother exclaimed, pointing at the stranger, "That person there is a girl!"

Turning to the sound of Mom's voice, Dad took it stoically. "L-sama, my dear," he began, wagging a finger, "as I have noted, that boy has such beautiful features that he is obviously often mistaken for a girl." I looked at the stranger, whose face was seething red with steam by the minute. So was Mom's.

"Rezo, you have gone blind!" my mother shrieked, which led to the two fighting again. They always fought. And when a stalemate eventually occurs, Mom always resorted to one particular tactic. She went into chibi mode and sobbed, her tears fountaining. "You don't love me!" she wailed, biting on her apron. Rezo, our father, calmy smiled beatifically like he always does, went up to Mom and took her in his arms, giving her face little smacks and saying sweet nothings like calling her "my dark golden lord," "my sea of chaos," and "my lord of nightmares." Feeling embarrassed that we started it, Xelloss and I left the house without even eating, the stranger in tow. Dragon cuisine, Red-hair and I both sighed.

Suddenly Xelloss rounded on me. "Zel, I know of one person who can help us in this. Auntie Aqua." Auntie Aqua was a hermit-like figure who lived by the mountainside, and was very knowledgeable in a lot of things. After climbing the mountain, we happened upon Auntie just as she was cleaning the Claire Bible. "Auntie, can you tell if this person is a girl or a boy?" Xelloss asked.

"That depends," Auntie Aqua replied, not stopping her. "Are either of you planning on courting her?" Xelloss, the stranger, and I immediately blushed bright red. Auntie looked at the stranger and exclaimed, "My, you don't look like any girl I've ever seen."

"So it's a boy!" I grinned. I always wanted prove my brother wrong, even if he was in the right.

Aqua shrugged. "You don't look like any boy I've ever seen as well." Everyone sans Auntie Aqua slumped their shoulders. "Might not be human after all," Auntie mused. "Could even be a Ryuzoku."

"For the love of Dark Star!" Xelloss moaned. "Anything but that!" Thanking her for her time, we climbed back down.

"That didn't help," I said to no audience.

"Well, duh," Red-hair sulked. I had to chuckle at the stranger. A bolt of genius struck me just then. I rounded on my brother with a self-satisfied gleam in my eyes. "I've got an idea. Remember the crater and the body in it?" Xelloss nodded. "Our stranger here must be some kind of prize-fighter. If what happened this morning was repeated in front of your very eyes, would you concede that Red-hair is a guy?"

"I would believe that there truly is justice in this world and life is wonderful if that happened," he said, which is to say Xelloss would believe that Gourry, the scarecrow in our cornfield, had a brain, and that there really was a demon named Zomoalgustar. We went to the nearby coliseum the following day. After eyeing the prospective opponents, Xelloss chose a huge red dragon with an impressive wingspan and fearsome appearance. I recognized the beast, for it was said that its owner liked to unleash it on the neighboring country's borders. For training, his excuse was. It looked at our little spit-fire, who was watching everything else, with glee, in anticipation of an easy kill. I motioned for Xelloss closer.

"Look, let's forget about this," I whispered. "That thing will cut up and burn anything it sees without that magical leash on its collar."

"All the more reason to prove if our little friend will run like a girl, or face the beast like a man," Xelloss smirked. I groaned inwardly. This was not going to be a pretty sight.

The next match was announced, and it was time to approach the ring. The dragon had been worked into a frenzy, slavering its lips, snorting fire from its nose, flexing its wings and such. We took one last look at the stranger, and backed out of the killing field. Red-hair coolly walked up to the monstrosity.

I don't know what caused what happened next, but one moment beast and human locked stares, and the next the dragon's eyes widened in fright. Then he cowered, then cringed, then dropped on all fours scampering for the walls, emitting a high-pitched whine like a yipping cur, complete with his tail between his legs. Everyone, my brother and yours truly included, did a blink-triple-take-erk-goggle-fright-sweatdrop. The stranger merely sweatdropped. "Oh, for crying out loud!" Red-hair exclaimed, then began chanting words which I could just make out. "Darkness beyond twilight, crimson blood that flows, buried in the flow of time. In Thy great name, I pledge myself to darkness! Those who oppose us shall be destroyed by the power you and I possess! DRAGON SLAVE!!" Aiming outstretched hands at the poor thing, a wide beam of red light flew forth, swallowing the dragon and the recently vacated wall. Then there was a flash of light, and an explosion that rang my ears, and dust and smoke wafted to the sky.

Getting up shakily, I ran to the stranger. My brother was there already. "Now are you convinced he's a guy?" was all I could think of saying - Red-hair looked pretty miffed by it still - but Xelloss stopped me before I could get his answer.

"Perhaps it would be best if we left the premises," he said, looking at the growing throng. Indeed, it looked like a good idea, especially since the mob looked ready to lynch us on the spot for the ruined arena. We beat a hasty retreat, and thankfully made it back home, safe, sound, and in one piece.

The stranger made a beeline for the hot spring that Dad built in the back of the house, which Xelloss and I didn't see happen. We had already stripped our torn clothes and got towels and soaps, and entered the sauna/bath, when we both froze, eyes wide. So did Red-hair, who happened to be the owner of a decidedly feminine, if overly petite, body.

"Perverts! FIREBALL!!"


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