Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip, that started from this Nippon port aboard this tiny ship. The mate was a mighty sword-slinger, the skipper tall and pale, five passengers set out that day on a three-hour sail, a three-hour sail. The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed, if not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Noonza would be lost, the Noonza would be lost. They hit the ground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle, with Gourrigan, the Red Priest too, the chimera man and his leech, the sorceress, the Trickster and Firia...here on Gourrigan's Isle!
Xellos: Boring.
Rezo: Five hundred twenty-seven.
Xellos: Boring.
Rezo: Five hundred twenty-eight
Xellos: Boring.
Rezo: Five hundred twenty-nine.
Xellos: Boring.
Rezo: Five hundred thirty. Look, Xellos, how long are you going to go on saying 'Boring' over and over again?
Xellos: I dunno. A million times, perhaps? A billion?
Rezo: You realize that if you say 'boring' once per second it will take you over thirty years to say it one billion times?
Xellos: Really? Let's see if that's right. At least it will give me something to do for the next thirty years.
Rezo: Sorry, but I don't intend to sit here and be your tallyboard for thirty years. Although, doing it for the last thirty minutes has felt like thirty years.
Xellos sighs, puts his hands behind his head and looks upwards at the sky through the palm fronds. The sky is a perfect shade of blue, with perfect fluffy white clouds and the temperature perfect for a soft tropical breeze. In other words:
Xellos: Boring.
Rezo: One.
Rezo is tearing up a palm frond and tossing the pieces over his shoulder. There's quite a pile of shredded foliage behind him.
Xellos: Bor --
Amelia: Breakfast! Five minutes!
Xellos startles as Amelia's piercing voice echoes through the clearing where he and Rezo are lounging and waiting for the meal to be finished. His hammock whirls around and dumps him unceremoniously into Rezo's pile of shredded palm leaves.
Xellos: Oof!
Rezo looks down.
Rezo: You okay?
Xellos: No, as a matter of fact, I am not okay. I wish she'd quit doing that. She doesn't need to jump to the top of a tree just to announce breakfast.
He's about to pick himself up when something underneath a nearby shrubbery catches his attention.
Xellos: Hel-lo, what's this?
He crawls forward under the bush.
Rezo: Xellos, where are you going? I'm hungry and I want to eat, even if it is just Amelia's leftover Coconut Surprise from last night.
Xellos crawls out from under the shrubbery, holding something in his hands.
Xellos: How about we make it Coconut and Mushroom surprise?
Rezo: What? You found some mushrooms?
Xellos: Yup. Some very interesting looking mushrooms.
Rezo: Well, what's so interesting about them? I'm blind, you dimwit! Describe them to me!
Xellos rubs his head thoughtfully.
Xellos: Well, they're mushroom-shaped. They're not ordinary mushrooms, however.
Rezo, impatiently: What was your first clue?
Xellos: The fact that they're glowing and green with blinking purple spots.
Rezo: Oya oya. [pause] Hmmm ...
Xellos, evil grin: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Rezo, evil grin: If you're thinking of feeding them to the others to see what they do, then yes, I'm thinking what you're thinking.
Xellos: We're on the same wavelength, then.
Rezo: No need to be insulting. However, if this will help relieve the boredom, I'll help.
Xellos: Right. I'll distract Captain Justice and you can drop them in the ... What was it again?
Rezo: Coconut Surprise.
Xellos: Correction -- Coconut and Mushroom Surprise this morning.
Both chuckle gleefully and head towards the main clearing. Amelia is busy standing by the fire stirring the Coconut Surprise. Xellos goes over to the fire and looks into the pot.
Xellos: Ah, Amelia-san! And what delightful concoction do you have for us this morning?
Amelia: Good morning, Xellos-san! It's the leftover Coconut Surprise from last night. There was so much left and it's a shame to waste good coconuts.
Xellos: Oh, I agree. Mustn't be wasteful.
Xellos puts an arm around Amelia's shoulders and draws her away from the pot. Adopting his most charismatic tone, he starts to lay it on thick.
Xellos: Amelia-san, I've been considering something you said to me when we were fist journeying together. Maybe you remember it? About changing my wicked ways?
Amelia seizes upon this like a shark on the scent of blood. Stars appear in her eyes and she grabs his hand.
Amelia: Really, Xellos-san? What do you want to know? I can teach you anything you like!
Xellos grimaces but fights against any stronger reaction.
Xellos: Ah ... Tell me about Justice and Love.
He glances over his shoulder as he leads Amelia away from the pot. Rezo is there and dumps some of the mushrooms into it and stirs vigorously.
Amelia launches into her spiel, striking several pretentious poses and complete with lighting effects, and appropriate, if tasteless, backgrounds.
Amelia: The way to changing your nature is to completely and utterly renounce your evil heritage! You must tell yourself every day that life is a wonderful and precious thing that must be cherished! In the end Justice will triumph over Evil!
Xellos massages a temple as if getting a headache and looks over his shoulder. Rezo has moved away from the pot to a non-suspicious-looking location.
Xellos: Yes, thank you. I'll keep it in mind. Now, how about that breakfast
Amelia: Oh! I forgot! I hope it hasn't burned!
She rushes off to check it. The rest of the castaways are filing into the clearing, ready to eat, but unenthusiastic about yet another meal of Coconut Surprise. They all take a bowl and stand in line for Amelia to fill it. Xellos and Rezo get theirs politely and move to their customary seats near the edge of the clearing. They dump their Coconut Surprise into the bushes and watch with extreme interest as the plants immediately start to wilt.
Xellos: This should be interesting.
Rezo: Shh. You don't want to act suspicious.
Gourrigan: Hey, Amelia. This tastes great! What did you do to it?
Amelia: Nothing. It's just the same Coconut Surprise left over from last night.
Lina: Why is it called Coconut Surprise if it's just coconuts then? We know it's got coconuts in it? What's the surprise?
Amelia, looking hurt: Because no one will eat it if I call it just 'Coconuts,' remember?
Lina, whining: I'm tired of coconuts. I want something else to eat. Like a ten course chicken dinner with mashed potatoes and peas. Pumpkin pie with whipped cream. Moose Tracks Ice Cream.
Gourrigan: Moose Tracks Ice Cream?
Lina: Lots of chocolate in it and miniature peanut butter cups.
Lina sulks then eats her Coconut Surprise reluctantly.
Gourrigan: Why don't you use your magic to go fishing? You've done it before.
Lina finds she doesn't have an answer to one of Gourrigan's rare flashes of insight. Not to be outdone, she rounds on him anyway.
Lina: Well, why didn't you suggest it sooner??
Lina proceeds to pound Gourrigan, who yelps and groans.
Gourrigan: Itai.
Lina: It'll hurt more if you --
Martina interrupts: This stuff is making me feel all funny.
She looks a bit ... dazed.
Martina: Sorta like the Funky Fruit did ... You know, lightheaded.
All: Really?
Each shovels the Coconut Surprise into their mouths, all ignoring the taste. Then they sit back and wait for the effects to start. Xellos and Rezo are just sitting in the background waiting for whatever will happen.
As they watch a brilliant light surrounds the Castaway gang. Xellos and Rezo sit up as it clears to reveal ...
Xellos nearly falls out of his hammock as he whoops with laughter. He gets up and does a happy little jig in the sand.
Xellos: How delightful!
He advances on the group of Castaways.
Xellos: I always knew that Lina had the personality of a five-year-old, and now she has the body to match!
Indeed, the Castaways have all assumed the form of children around the ages of five or six. He ruffles Lina's hair, and is rewarded with a swift kick in the shins. He leans over and waggles a finger in her face while grinning his trademark closed-eye, crooked grin.
Xellos: Ah, ah, ah ... Mustn't do naughty things to Uncle Xellos.
He feels a pair of arms go around his waist and a wave of warm, fuzzy feelings crash over him in the form of nausea.
High-pitched voice: Unca Xelly! Unca Xelly!
He turns a distinct shade of green and tries to pull the offender away. Grabbing a small hand, it proves to be attached to Amelia, who is looking up at him with large, star-filled eyes.
Xellos: Ker-ripes. Rezo, what have we done?
Amelia immediately hugs him again and starts singing.
Amelia: Life is wonderful, life is wonderful ...
Xellos, gagging: No, it isn't.
He disengages himself from her and backs away. By now the rest of the gang have started wandering around. Gourrigan and Zangulus have procured sticks that are the proper length and size to be used as play swords. Lina is eating up the rest of the coconuts. Martina tries to glom onto Zangulus, who starts screeching about cooties and runs from her, waving his play sword. Amelia takes the coconut husks and starts making dolls, singing all the while.
A horrible scream comes from behind Xellos, making him whirl in surprise. Looking down, he sees Zelgadis sitting in the sand at his feet, mouth open as far enough to see the boy's tonsils, and screaming.
Rezo, brushing by Xellos and shouting over Zelgadis' screams: What on earth is that racket?
Xellos: It's your grandson. He's screaming.
Rezo bends over and picks Zelgadis up. The chimera appears to be a bit younger than the rest of the group, around two or three. The boy immediately shuts up his wailing and puts his arms around Rezo's neck. He gives Xellos a look of pure, demonic hatred quite unusual and disturbing in a child so young.
Xellos sticks his tongue out at Zelgadis and grins: What's your problem, kid?
Zelgadis, quietly and pointing at Xellos: Monster.
Rezo: Out of the mouths of babes.
He pats the boy's back then snatches his hand to his mouth to suck at it.
Rezo: Damn hair of his.
Xellos glares at Zelgadis then asks Rezo: Why is he so much younger than the rest of them? He's older than Amelia, isn't he?
Rezo shrugs: Must be his Chimera metabolism. Ever seen him after just one beer?
Xellos, nods: Oh. Figures.
Zangulus chases Gourrigan between the two of them -- who is followed by Martina. Amelia has finished making her dolls and is having a tea party with them. Lina looks around, spots Gourrigan and runs off after him. Filia, having reverted to her dragon form, is romping through the trees and jumping out at the others as they run by.
Xellos grins and goes back to lie in his hammock. He puts his hands behind his head and is obviously enjoying himself.
Xellos: This is going to be so much fun!
Rezo chuckles and nods: Certainly seems that way.
He puts the baby Zelgadis on the ground and walks back to his chair -- only to freeze when Zelgadis starts to wail loudly.
Xellos: Healthy set of lungs on that boy.
Rezo tries to ignore the baby. Zelgadis doesn't move and just continues to howl: One long, continuous howl with no breaks for an indrawn breath.
Rezo, looking worriedly at Xellos: Should he be coming up for air soon?
Zelgadis' wail drills in Rezo's ear drums like splinters under fingernails.
Xellos, unconcerned: Don't worry. When he turns blue, he'll pass out.
Rezo picks up his staff and bonks Xellos in the head: He's always blue.
Xellos, rubbing his head: Hey, it's not my fault! Why don't you try picking him up again?
Rezo sighs and gets up. He goes to the wailing Zelgadis. As soon as the Red Priest picks him up, Zelgadis' wails shut off as if someone has thrown a switch. Rezo puts Zelgadis down. Zelgadis promptly begins wailing again. Resignedly, Rezo picks him up again and carries him over to his chair. He sits, arranges his robes and places Zelgadis on his lap. Zelgadis fixes Xellos with his hateful glare.
Xellos chuckles at Rezo's discomfort and settles down for a bit of a snack and a nap. No sooner has he gotten comfortable then the sound of riotous laughter headed his way draws his attention.
Lina, shouting: I'll get you, Filia!
Xellos hears a draconish shriek very close to him then something butts into his backside. His hammock goes spinning round and round as Filia ducks under him. When it stops, he finds himself staring at the ground briefly before the Law of Gravity catches up with him and he does a belly flop in the sand. Picking himself up, Xellos spits out a mouthful of sand.
Xellos: That's it. I've had enough.
He brushes off his clothing, digs his staff out of the sand and looks at Rezo.
Xellos: This was all fun and games to begin with, but now it's getting out of hand. I'm going to the other side of the island for some peace and quiet. Are you coming?
Rezo, nodding: Sounds like a good idea to me.
He stands, puts Zelgadis (who starts to wail) on the ground and follows Xellos out of the clearing. Zelgadis' wails can be heard without any trouble behind them.
Rezo: Let those brats take care of themselves.
The two of them are well on their way when Lina's voice can be heard above the trees.
Lina: FIREBALL!
Both man and Mazoku stop dead in their tracks and look at each other (okay, Xellos looks at Rezo, who turns his head in Xellos' direction but doesn't actually 'look' at Xellos cuz he's blind, remember?).
Rezo: That didn't sound good. What if she ends up killing them all? Or doing that Dragon Slave thing to the huts?
Xellos, shrugging: So what? It's definitely in the realm of 'Somebody Else's Problem,' I say.
Rezo, grabbing Xellos' throat: It's going to be our problem if she finds out we left them without supervision during this.
Xellos tries to pry Rezo's fingers from around his neck: And just how is she going to find out?
(Zelgadis' wails can still be heard.)
Rezo, snarling: She always finds out. I don't know how, but just take my word, she'll know. And our butts will be in slings faster than you can say 'Dragon Slave.'
Xellos still looks unconvinced. Rezo tightens his grip. Xellos is turning blue.
Rezo: And if they off each other, how are you going to survive, Mazoku? Gonna get pretty skinny living off the negative feelings of just one blind priest, don't you think?
Xellos, reconsidering: I... think we'd better go see what's happening.
Rezo, chuckling: You're as bad as Lina and Gourrigan. A slave to your appetite.
Xellos, giving Rezo a stricken look: Now who's being insulting?
Rezo just smiles and follows Xellos back to the clearing. As they pass baby Zelgadis, Rezo bends over and picks him up. The fire engine wail, which hadn't stopped since Rezo had set him down earlier, shuts off.
Xellos stops and Rezo runs into him from behind. There are sounds of a terrible battle coming from inside the guys' hut. Xellos and Rezo hurry over to see what's going on (in Rezo's case ... er, well, you know).
The two of them peer in through the door to see two very muddy kids chasing each other around the interior of the hut. They've managed to get mud all over everything. One chases the other with his stick as the other jumps out of the way and grabs a pillow off one of the beds to use as a shield. The two boys run out of the hut past Rezo and Xellos, screaming at the top of their lungs.
Xellos, chuckling: Well, that just shows that they're healthy. [pauses] Wait a minute! That's my pillow!
He takes off after the boys, yelling at them to give his pillow back. Gourrigan runs faster and Zangulus hares after him. Xellos phases out then back in just in front of Gourrigan. However, he hasn't counted on the momentum and determination of a six-year-old boy and is run over. He falls over backwards with small footprints on his face. Recovering, he lifts himself on his elbows only to have Zangulus add his footprints to Gourrigan's. The boys disappear into the jungle, along with their shouts and his pillow.
Xellos: Damn. This isn't my day ...
He hears footsteps and the sun is blocked out as Rezo leans over him.
Rezo: Did they get away?
Xellos: Oh, no. I decided that it would be good for my morale to let them use me as a punching bag. What do you think? Of course they got away! And that pillow was almost new!
Rezo: Oh, well, so was nearly everything else in the hut, but now it's all covered with mud.
Xellos: How could two boys have wreaked so much destruction in such little time? We were only gone a minute!
Rezo, chuckling: You have no idea the powers for creating chaos possessed by six-year-old boys. If it were harnessed, it'd put you Mazoku out of business.
Xellos: Thanks for making me feel better.
Rezo: You're welcome. Where did they go?
Xellos: I dunno. That way, I think. Follow the mud [looks down and picks up something white off the ground] and the feathers. I'm sure you'll find them there.
Rezo: I'll gather up the girls and head them towards the beach. You go find the boys and we'll meet you.
Xellos: We're taking them to the beach? What for?
Rezo: Think. They'll have lots of open space to play on the sand and in the water. All we have to do is sit back and watch them, right? How hard can that be?
Xellos, thinking: All right.
Xellos climbs to his feet and staggers off following the trail of feathers as Rezo heads back to the clearing for the girls. As he follows the trail, Xellos picks up the feathers.
Xellos: Damn. That pillow was 100% goose down. It cost me a fortune from Land's End. I'm allergic to synthetics! How am I supposed to get another one on this gods-forsaken isle?!
He bends over to grab another feather and straightens. There's a Ah-ya-ya-ya-ya! scream and something blue with long yellow hair whooshes in front of his nose. His eyes open wide and he takes a step back only to hear another whoosh behind him.
Xellos: What was that?!
There's another whoosh and something lands on his back. Startling, he phases out then back in a foot to the rear. Zangulus drops three feet to land on his bum in the sand. His hat flutters down to nearly cover the boy. It scrambles up and runs off.
Xellos: Oh, no you don't! I've got you now!
He lunges after the hat, and manages to grab the brim. Zangulus runs off leaving Xellos holding his hat. The boy only runs a few feet before he turns, runs back to Xellos and kicks him in the shins.
Zangulus: My hat!
Xellos, grabbing his shin and hopping in pain, drops the hat. Zangulus snatches it up and runs off, slapping it on his head as he goes. There's another blue streak, the frightening yell, and Gourrigan sails through the jungle on a vine after his rival.
Xellos, rubbing his leg and muttering: Stupid boys. Hey! Come back here!
Later ...
On the beach, Martina is building a sand castle and proclaiming it to be Xoana rebuilt. Lina, being her usual congenial self, laughs and kicks it down, getting plenty in Martina's hair at the same time. Martina screeches and jumps up and runs after Lina. Rezo is watching at a comfortable distance in the shade of a palm tree. Zelgadis is sitting on his lap sucking his thumb.
Xellos trudges up carrying Gourrigan in one hand and Zangulus in the other. He stops, drops them to the sand and they immediately scurry off to cause more trouble. Xellos collapses in the shade of a nearby tree.
Rezo: What took you so long?
Xellos, twitching and giggling a little insanely: I had to chase them through the trees. They were playing 'Tarzan.' One kid swinging in front of me, the other swinging behind me ... [voice becomes strained and near breaking]
Rezo: You need to learn to relax, Xellos. Here, have some juice.
Rezo hands Xellos a coconut cup filled with juice. Xellos downs it and looks if not 100% at least a little more like his old self. He starts and stares into the cup hoping there wasn't any mushrooms in there. Rezo chuckles evilly and leans back.
When he seems to remain normal (normal??? Yeah, right), he puts the cup down and fixes Rezo with a glare.
Xellos: Why do you get the girls and I get stuck with the boys? You've been sitting here while I've been out there chasing these little hooligans!
Rezo, innocently: Like I'm going to be able to chase them through the trees?
Xellos, narrows his eyes at Rezo: One of these days, I'm going to find a way to restore your sight and then I'm going to make you pay for this.
Rezo just grins. Xellos snarls silently and turns to look at the activities on the beach. At least it looks like they'll be able to enjoy not having to run after the children for the moment as they're busy entertaining themselves. Amelia is sitting in the surf digging and making dribble patterns with the wet sand. Xellos' sharp ears can catch a line of "Life is Wonderful" every so often and shudders. At least she's way over there instead of over here trying to hug him. Filia is swimming in the surf with Lina riding on her back and Martina trying to catch up and climb on, too. Lina keeps pushing her off, however. Gourrigan and Zangulus are investigating something interesting in the sand in a nearby tidal pool. One squats down, picks something up and then lobs it at the other. Soon the two are engaged in a throwing fight.
Xellos: What are they throwing at each other?
Rezo: Better go check it out before they hurt themselves.
Xellos: Why me?
Rezo: Xellos ...
Xellos, sarcastically: Oh, right, right. You're blind. You sure milk that excuse a lot, you know that?
Rezo, grinning: Now, what kind of evil priest would I be if I didn't take advantage of the situation?
Xellos, muttering: You're supposed to do that to them, not me.
Rezo: But it's so much fun.
Xellos ignores that comment since the sounds of the battle intensify. He gets up and goes to check it out. What greets him is the sight of Gourrigan and Zangulus lobbing formless, gooey blobs at each other.
Xellos: Hey! Cut that out! What are you thr --
SMACK! Xellos is cut off as a jellyfish hits him in the face. He peels it off and glares at the boys.
Xellos: All right, who di --
SPLAT! Another one hits him from the other side.
Xellos: WOULD YOU CUT THAT OUT!!! [huffing] Quit throwing jellyf --
SMACK! SPLAT!!
Xellos, wiping the jellyfish goo off his face with the bottom of his cloak: Okay ... Have it your way. Jellyfish won't hurt you, so you just keep right on. I'm out of here.
Xellos turns and stomps back towards the trees.
SMACK!!!
Xellos stops, thinks about turning around, then decides against it. He returns to his place and sits down.
Rezo: Is that a jellyfish on your head?
Xellos: No, it's my lunch. Would you care for some?
Rezo: You've been in the sun too long, Xellos.
Xellos wipes the flattened jellyfish off his head and wonders if he could get away with throwing it at Rezo. Maybe later. He tosses it into the bushes.
Amelia, singing tunelessly: Life is wonderful. Life is wonderful.
Xellos starts, and turns to find Amelia has moved further up on the beach and is building a castle right next to where Xellos, Rezo and Zelgadis are sitting. He groans.
Xellos: Why did she have to move up here?
Rezo: She wanted to be close to Zelgadis. I told her she could build her sand castle here.
Xellos: You realize that I hate you?
Rezo, grinning like a cat: Yes, I do. The feeling is mutual.
Xellos growls but can't think of a snappy comeback, so he just sits there and listens to Amelia's singing until he's ready to jump out of his skin.
Xellos: I can't take this! Amelia, stop singing that song!
Amelia: All right, Unca Xelly.
Amelia starts to sing: Koi ni koi suru onna no ko ni wa/Mabushisugiru no mai daarin.
Xellos, wincing: Shimata.
Rezo, listens and snaps his fingers: Oh, I don't know. I think it's kind of catchy.
Xellos, teeth grinding: Shut up. Now.
Rezo, chuckling: Touchy, aren't we? Amelia, dear?
Amelia, looking up at Rezo: Yes, Unca Rezo?
Rezo: Ahem, 'Unca' Xelly doesn't like that song, either. Can you please stop singing it?
Amelia: All right.
She goes back to building her castle, finally quiet.
Xellos takes a deep breath.
Rezo: You owe me one.
Xellos: I knew there was a catch.
Rezo: Always. [pauses] Uh, Xellos ...
Xellos: Now what?
Rezo: Should Zangulus' hat be on its way to Japan?
Xellos looks around. He sees Zangulus walking into the surf. He doesn't stop walking as the water gets deeper and deeper and eventually there's just a hat floating into the waves, leaving a trail of bubbles in its wake.
Xellos, big take: AH!
He jumps up and runs after Zangulus. He flounders through the surf and reaches for the hat -- again managing to snag only the brim. Zangulus is nowhere to be seen. Xellos plows through the incoming surf, waving his arms as if to beat the water back.
Xellos: Zangulus! Where are you, you little [censored]?!
He holds up his hand (holding the hat) over his head to shade his eyes as he looks for the black-haired boy in the surf. Unseen by Xellos, the hat grows arms. The arms are attached to Zangulus and the boy drops onto Xellos' head, seizing him around the neck.
Xellos: ACK! Let go! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
SPLASHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
A huge wave crashes over the Trickster Priest and the boy, sending them both under the water. Rezo, watching from the beach, leans forward and 'watches' carefully.
Rezo: Great. He's gone and gotten himself drowned. How inconsiderate.
He shifts Zelgadis and stands up and takes a few steps forward. Lina and Filia run up and start playing a game of hide-and-seek in his robes. Lina grabs a corner of his cloak and hides herself in it and Filia twists around his feet until he can't move.
Rezo: Girls! Stop that! Xellos, where are you, damn you?! Wait --
Zangulus' hat becomes visible on the top of the water. It moves towards shore and eventually becomes Xellos, soaked and dripping, trudging out of the water with Zangulus (and his hat) clinging to his head. Xellos just walks steadily out of the water, and as they reach the shallows, Gourrigan runs by, pelting Xellos with a jellyfish. Zangulus yells something, jumps down and rushes off after Gourrigan. Xellos doesn't break stride as he stomps up the beach, shivering with rage and bent over, fists clenched at his sides. He walks up to Rezo, raises a finger in the Red Priest's face and opens his mouth to say something.
Rezo backs up a step, propelled by the red battle aura surrounding Xellos. Filia chooses the same moment to rush Lina and he steps on Filia's tail.
Filia: SSCCCCCCRRRRRREEEECCCCCHHHH!!!!
Filia lets loose with a blast of fire. Rezo pulls his foot back and the fire stops and Filia takes off for parts unknown, Lina close behind. Rezo looks up at Xellos, who is frozen in the position we last saw him: Hand up, finger out, mouth open to lash into Rezo. He's also blackened with soot and wisps of smoke are wafting up from his hair as he caught the full blast of Filia's fire.
Rezo: Oops.
Xellos: ...
Rezo: Were you going to say something?
Xellos: ...
Rezo: Well?
Xellos: Never mind.
Xellos lowers his hand, makes a whimpering sound and walks off into the jungle, waving his arms as he mutters to himself about the unfairness of life.
Amelia, singing: Life is wonderful, Unca Xelly!
Xellos cringes, turns, and gives Rezo a feral grin.
Xellos, twitching: Ah heh heh heh ...
Xellos disappears into the undergrowth before Rezo can comment.
Even later ...
Lina: Unca Rezo, we're hungry.
Lina flops down in the sand next to Rezo. She's followed by Martina, Filia, Gourrigan and Zangulus.
Gourrigan: Yeah, we're hungry!
Rezo: You're always hungry. Eat a jellyfish.
Pause ... Rezo jumps up and grabs Gourrigan and smacks his back a few times.
Rezo: I didn't mean it for real! Get that thing out of your mouth!
Lina: But we're REALLY hungry.
Rezo: You just ate!
Lina: But we're hungry AGAIN!
Rezo: You're not getting anything to eat until lunch time! And that's not for another hour!
Lina: But I'm hungry NOW!
Rezo: Lina, I said NO!
Lina: FIREBALL!
Rezo, smoking: Okay ... It's lunchtime. Let's go fix lunch.
All (except Rezo and Zelgadis): Yay!
Zelgadis, unenthusiastically: 'ay.
Rezo climbs to his feet and sets Zelgadis down then picks him up again quickly as the wails start. He herds the children back to the clearing.
Martina: What's for lunch?
Rezo: Coconuts.
Lina: We're tired of coconuts.
Gourrigan: Yah! We want cheese puffs!
Lina: Cheese puffs!
Amelia: Cheese puffs!
Martina: Cheese puffs!
Zangulus, echoing from inside his hat: Cheese puffs!
Zelgadis: 'eese puffs.
Rezo: We don't have any cheese puffs. All we have are coconuts.
Lina: Don't want coconuts! Want cheese puffs!
All, chanting: Cheese puffs! Cheese puffs! Cheese puffs!
Rezo rubs the bridge of his nose; he can feel a migraine coming on.
Rezo, feigned patience: Children, there are no cheese puffs!
All, getting louder and more insistent: Cheese puffs!
Xellos, chuckling: What's the matter, Rezo? You don't look so in control, now.
Rezo's head snaps up, following the sound of Xellos' voice. The Trickster Priest is sitting on top of a palm tree and sipping coffee, looking much calmer than he had just an hour previously.
Rezo: Get down here and help!
All: Cheese puffs!
Xellos: Ah, but I'm having so much fun watching you from up here. Tell me, Rezo, exactly what are these 'cheese puffs' they're screaming for?
Rezo: How should I know? My research never involved making lunch for a group of small children. Turning people into stone, yes. Resurrecting Dark Lords? I can give you a sixteen week lecture series on it! But cheese puffs? Those are out of my league!
All: Cheese puffs!
Xellos: Well, you'd better come up with something quick or they're going to turn violent. Is that a fireball I seen in Lina's hand?
Rezo whirls in a sweep of red robes and grabs Lina's wrist.
Rezo: No, Lina. No fireballs.
Lina bites him. Rezo drops her hand quickly and snatches his hand back.
Rezo: Dammit! She bit me!
Xellos, laughing: Better get her tested for rabies. You never know where she's been.
Rezo grabs his staff and whacks it against the palm tree. The tree sways and dumps Xellos in the sand.
Rezo: Ah, since you're here, you can help. Get those coconuts open before this group goes ballistic.
Xellos picks himself up and is still chuckling while he brushes the sand off himself.
Xellos: Oya oya, Rezo. Touchy, aren't we?
Rezo stiffens and glares at Xellos. Then he grins and says over his shoulder.
Rezo: Hey, kids! Unca Xelly has cheese puffs!
The kids stop chanting and start shouting. They all climb down from the benches and run after Xellos. The priest does a wild take and runs up a palm tree.
Xellos: That was low, Rezo.
Rezo: Look who's talking. Now, are you going to get those coconuts open or do I have to sic them on you again?
Xellos, sweatdropping: All right, all right. Just call them off, will you?
Rezo, clapping his hands together and calling in a pleasant voice: Children. You won't get anything if you don't sit down and behave. [firmly] NOW.
Miraculously, the kids recognize a voice of authority and run back to the table. Xellos slides down the palm tree, carrying a bunch of coconuts. Grumbling, he manages to get them open.
Xellos, sweating: Just how does Amelia get these things open without a knife, anyway?
Rezo: I think she imagines they're you and uses her bare fists.
Xellos: You really know how to hurt a Mazoku's feelings, don't you?
Rezo, smugly: Yes.
Xellos puts the coconuts on the table in front of the kids. They wail but eat them up anyway.
Later still ...
Lunch is over and the kids are starting to get restless. Xellos and Rezo are discussing other ways to keep them amused.
Rezo: We could take them back to the beach --
Xellos, shuddering: No! Not that! Anything but that!
Rezo: Then what do you suggest? I don't see you making any useful suggestions. All you've had to contribute is tying them up, burying them, or knocking them out with mallets. While the last may be useful as a last resort, the other suggestions are just ridiculous!
Xellos: I don't know! I don't know anything about keeping kids amused!
Amelia wanders over and hugs Xellos' knees and smiles like a little cherub.
Xellos, twitching: Rezo, get her off me or I'm gonna do something violent.
Rezo: Amelia, leave Unca Xelly alone.
Amelia nods and wanders back to the other children, singing 'Life is Wonderful.'
Xellos glares at Rezo: You like calling me 'Unca Xelly,' don't you?
Rezo, shrugging: Hey, you started it. You only have yourself to blame.
Xellos: I'd almost managed to forget that. Thanks for reminding me.
Rezo, wide grin: Anytime.
Xellos: [mutters something unprintable under his breath]
Rezo: I have an idea. Xellos, go over there to the fire and pull out some of that old charcoal and bring it over here.
Rezo goes around gathering up the coconut husks from earlier. He carries them over and deposits them on the table. He and Xellos gather up some palm leaves, twigs and other items that can be found in the jungle and bring them to the table.
Rezo: Okay, kids, it's Arts and Crafts time. Knock yourselves out.
Zangulus takes this as an invitation to knock Gourrigan on the head with his stick.
Rezo: Zangulus, that's an expression; it doesn't mean you can literally knock Gourrigan out with your stick. Give that to me. NOW, Zangulus ...
Rezo takes both Gourrigan's and Zangulus' sticks. He walks over to his customary chair as the kids tear into the supplies on the table. Lina and Gourrigan grab charcoal and big leaves and start scribbling on the leaves.
Lina: Look! I'm beating up Gourrigan!
Lina holds up her picture, which is of her beating up Gourrigan, who's she's drawn in the shape of a jellyfish. Not to be outdone, Gourrigan holds up his leaf.
Gourrigan: Hey! Look! It's Lina!
He's drawn Lina as a monster, complete with fangs, horns and fire coming out of her mouth.
Lina: That doesn't look like me!
She jumps across the table and grabs Gourrigan's hair and yanks him up and starts pounding on him.
Gourrigan: Yes it does! It's perfect! OW! Rezo, she's hitting me!
Rezo, unconcerned: Hit her back.
That's the cue for Gourrigan to lay into Lina, who only fights harder and nastier. Soon it degenerates into a hair pulling contest.
Lina and Gourrigan: Let go! OOWWWWW!!!!!!
Rezo sighs and picks up a large palm leaf and turns to Xellos.
Rezo: I had to watch them on the beach while you disappeared, so you deal with it this time, Xellos. I'm taking a nap.
Xellos: Hey! You started this fight and now you're dumping it on me? No fair, Rezo!
Rezo: Life's unfair. Deal.
He puts the leaf over his head and immediately starts to snore. Curiously, Xellos lifts the leaf and peers under it. Sure enough, the Red Priest is fast asleep.
Xellos, amazed: How does he do that?
Gourrigan screams something at Lina and chases her across the clearing. Lina jumps on a table and whips around.
Lina: FIREBALL!
Gourrigan is hit by the blast and sits down hard on his behind, blackened except for his eyes.
Gourrigan: [blink blink]
Xellos chuckles, then his eyes bulge as Martina shoves her scribbles in front of his face.
Martina: Look what I did!
Xellos, blushing, snatches the leaf away from her.
Xellos: Martina! That's ... not what nice girls are supposed to draw pictures of!
Martina: Why?
Xellos: Because! You just shouldn't!
Martina: But they've got one! I've seen it!
Xellos: Yes, dear, I'm sure you have. Let's just not draw pictures, all right?
He rolls up the leaf and shoves it into his pack.
Xellos: Go make some dolls, okay?
Martina, perking up: Okay!
She bounces over to help Amelia make some dolls.
Xellos, muttering under his breath: Gaav in a skirt, don't let them be anatomically correct ...
Amelia: Life is wonderful ...
Xellos: AMELIA, STOP SINGING!
Amelia: Okay, Unca Xelly. Twinkle twinkle ...
Xellos: I'm going to kill her ...
His attention is drawn to Rezo as Zelgadis climbs down off Rezo's lap. Xellos' watches with interest as the baby wanders over to the table and picks up a piece of charcoal that has fallen to the sand. Zelgadis strolls back to Rezo, then climbs back onto his grandfather's lap. He grabs the leaf, and Xellos looks away, thinking Zelgadis is just going to scribble on it, but does a double take as Zelgadis starts smearing the charcoal on Rezo's face. Soon Xellos is giggling uncontrollably as the baby gives Rezo a smeary mustache and goatee.
Xellos, doubled over with laughter and holding his sides: Oh, this is great. Rezo, you're a genius!
By now, most of the children have finally managed to find some quiet activities. Lina and Gourrigan are drawing quietly together; Martina and Amelia are making dolls and having an impromptu tea party/treaty negotiations between neighboring (unfriendly) countries. Martina is not having much luck in trying to take over Amelia's imaginary country. Zangulus, a.k.a. The Hat, is wandering blindly around and around the clearing, colliding with trees. Filia is contentedly crunching on charcoal from the fire. The bow on her tail is definitely looking the worse for wear. Xellos takes advantage of the lull and leans back in his hammock for a short nap.
Time passes, as it is wont to do ...
Xellos comes slowly awake to the sound of children playing. At least no one sounds like they're trying to kill each other --
Amelia: IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE, OFF WITH HIS HEAD!
Xellos' eyes fly open and he sits straight up. He turns to where Amelia and Martina are playing with their dolls. They've got several laid out in a row and Amelia is wielding a knife. It flashes down and decapitates the doll. It's only then that he notices that it's only one of several that has already lost its head and that they all have purple hair. His hand flies to his head and he feels his hair. There are definitely some ragged ends.
Xellos' eyes narrow: Why that little witch!
Martina: TAKE THIS, MAZOKU FREAK!
Martina decapitates the next doll. Involuntarily, Xellos' hand flies to his throat and his eyes go round.
Xellos: Eeyehh ...
Nearby he hears a sinister chuckling. Turning he sees Rezo is awake as well.
Rezo: Seems they have something against you, Xellos. Nice hair, by the way.
Xellos looks away again quickly and covers his mouth before he can give himself away. Quickly, he fixes his hair, which looks like someone gave him a haircut with a lawnmower, and sneaks a peek at Rezo. He sputters and huddles in his hammock.
Rezo: Are you all right, Xellos? You're not going to let a little thing like two little girls' thirst for your blood get to you, are you?
Xellos, looks over, giggles and tries to keep a straight face: Nope.
Rezo stares at him out of a face that has recently acquired a charcoal mustache and goatee. If his eyes were open, he'd narrow them suspiciously in Xellos' direction.
Rezo, demanding: What?
Xellos swallows his giggles and swings his legs over the side of his hammock.
Xellos: Nothing. Nothing at all. [whistles]
Xellos notices that Zelgadis is still playing with the bit of charcoal and grinning smugly to himself. He winks at the baby, who sticks his tongue out at Xellos.
Lina, Gourrigan, Zangulus and Filia are playing a game of tag. Filia is 'it' at the moment and the three humans run in the adults' direction. Filia swipes them with her tail, sending them sprawling on the ground at Rezo's feet. They look up, take one look at Rezo's face and fall into fits of laughter. Lina grabs her stomach and points at Rezo.
Lina: You're funny, Unca Rezo!
Rezo, resigned: Xellos, what did you do?
Xellos: Honestly, you think everything that goes wrong around here is my fault!
Rezo: That's because it usually is! Now what did you do?!
Lina: You have a beard!
Rezo, pauses then: A beard?
Lina: Yeah!
She crawls in his lap and wipes his face then holds her fingers up for him to ... er ... see.
Rezo scrubs at his face; his hand comes away black with charcoal. He glares at Xellos.
Rezo: That was just childish, Xellos. Couldn't you think of anything better?
Xellos: Hey! Don't look at me! It was your grandson that did it!
He points at Zelgadis, who is curled in Rezo's lap, asleep. Filia sniffs at something in the sand by Rezo's feet and Xellos hears a slight crunching noise.
Rezo: Really, Xellos. Blaming an infant for your tricks. I never thought I'd see you reduced to this.
Xellos: But, but, but ... !
Rezo, snapping: Don't start singing!
He gets up to go wash his face when a small voice pipes up: We're hungry!
Rezo sits back down and looks at Xellos. Both priests stare at each other and groan.
Xellos: Not again!
Rezo: I made lunch --
Xellos: Actually, no, you didn't. You just gave them coconuts.
Lina: We don't want no coconuts!
All: No coconuts!
Rezo, sighing: Do you have any idea what we can fix these kids to eat? I certainly don't know how to cook.
Xellos: I do.
Rezo: You do? Why didn't you mention this before?
Xellos, innocently: You didn't ask.
Rezo clenches his fists and grinds his teeth. Taking a deep breath, he is about to say something but stops and sniffs. Sniffing some more, he realizes the odor is coming from his lap.
Rezo: Okay, you start cooking dinner --
Xellos: Why should I cook?
Rezo: Because you can!
Xellos: And just what am I supposed to cook?
Rezo: I don't know! Don't you have anything in that bag of yours?
Xellos: Of course I don't have anything in this bag, as you call it -- well, except for Martina's drawings, but let's not go there. If there were anything edible in there, it would have been gone long ago.
Rezo: Can't you magic up something then?
Xellos, stubbornly: No, I can't.
Rezo: How do you know? Have you ever tried?
Xellos is about to make a snappy comeback when he realizes that he hasn't tried. He concentrates and "magicks" up some foodstuffs along with wok.
Xellos: I'll be damned. I can do that!
Rezo: Good. You start --
Xellos: I still don't see why I have to do the cooking.
Rezo stands up and shoves Zelgadis in Xellos' face.
Rezo: It's either cook or change his nappies.
Xellos gets a whiff of Zelgadis' soiled nappies and looks ready to faint.
Xellos, eyes twirly: I'll cook.
Rezo: Thought you would.
Rezo stomps off to go stick Zelgadis' bum in the hot spring to clean it off. Xellos, meanwhile prepares dinner. He busies himself with chopping vegetables and meat and everything associated with cooking. He puts everything into the wok and puts the lid on it to let it stew to perfection.
Rezo returns, carrying a very wet, but very clean Zelgadis. Just as he enters the clearing, Xellos, wearing a pink apron with a chicken on it and a kerchief to hold his hair back, calls everyone to dinner.
Xellos: All right, dinner is ready!
He lifts the lid off the wok and a terrible smell pervades the clearing as a green fog drifts out of the wok. Rezo sniffs, then lifts Zelgadis and sniffs his nappie. Deciding the odor isn't coming from there, he looks around.
Rezo: Where is that stench coming from?
Xellos: Stench? [dangerous pause] What stench?
Rezo follows his nose to the wok, sniffs, pulls back abruptly. He pinches his nostrils shut as his eyes begin to water.
Rezo: What is that?
Xellos, proudly: Mandragora soup seasoned with lamb chaos. My sure-kill recipe.
The children, meanwhile, have started bawling louder, demanding to be fed and fed now. Rezo takes the lid from Xellos and puts it back on the wok, shutting off the smell.
Rezo: 'Kill' being the operative word. Go get some coconuts.
He turns to go when Xellos throws the ladle at his head.
Rezo: OW! What was that for?
Xellos, dangerously: Are you trying to tell me there's something wrong with my cooking?
Rezo: Wrong? Wrong doesn't begin to describe it! It stinks for one thing!
Xellos looks like he's going to shout back when instead he simply tears up. The tears well up out of his eyes and start sliding down his cheeks. He sinks to his knees and the waterworks start in earnest. He pulls a handkerchief out of his sleeve and pulls on it with his teeth.
Xellos, shrilly: You don't appreciate me! I cook and clean and slave over a hot fire to provide hot meals for all of us and this is the thanks I get? Told that my cooking stinks?!
Rezo: What are you talking about, you idiot?! It's only been a few hours! They'll be back to normal soon and this nightmare will be over! In the meantime, we've got children to feed, so get a grip, man!
Xellos: No! I don't want to get a grip! I've had to put up with fussy kids all day long! Lina's fireballed me, Gourrigan and Zangulus trashed my pillow, got mud all over my stuff, threw jellyfish at me and Zangulus nearly drowned me! I've been toasted by Filia and then Martina cut my hair off to make dolls that she decapitated and -- AMELIA WILL YOU STOP THAT SINGING???
The children all start to wail, loudly, including Amelia, who has finally stopped singing.
Rezo, sighing deeply: No look what you've done. You've made them cry.
Xellos: Well, it's not my problem any more! I'm going to bed!
Xellos tries to stomp off to bed (still wearing his apron and kerchief) when, without looking, Rezo reaches out and grabs him by the collar.
Rezo: Hold it. You're not going anywhere until these kids have quieted down. And that means feeding them.
Xellos, stubbornly folding his arms over his chest and looking away: I'm not feeding them. You said my cooking stinks. Feed them yourself.
Rezo grabs Lina and holds her up in Xellos' face.
Rezo: Feed them. I have a Lina and I'm not afraid of using her. Lina, fireball!
Lina looks ready to throw a fireball in his face. She even raises her hands to begin the spell. Xellos backs away hastily, hands up as if to protect himself.
Xellos: Geez, put her down, Rezo! She could go off at any second! [over shoulder, shouting to the kids] Dinner!
Rezo sets Lina on her feet and she scurries off. He goes over to sit down in his chair, grumbling about Xellos' incompetency. The kids clamber onto the benches. Xellos hauls the wok over to the table and slams it down. Lifting the lid, he starts slopping the soup into bowls and passing them out. The green fog creeps out of the pot and the bowls. All the kids, save Gourrigan, start to howl in terror. Gourrigan simply picks up his bowl and drains it in one gulp and reaches for the next bowl, which happens to be Lina's. Not one to let food (even food that stinks) to go to waste, Lina bonks him on the head with the bowl, dumping the soup all over him. The other kids see this and quickly join in, smell or no smell. A food fight breaks out.
Rezo, yelling from his chair: Now what?
Xellos, standing there looking desperate: I fed them, just like you said.
The Red Priest hauls himself out of his chair and comes over to investigate.
Rezo, calmly, as if talking to a madman: What did you feed them?
Xellos: My soup. Gourrigan ate it and tried to eat Lina's and she smacked him. The others won't eat it; they just throw it at each other.
Rezo: I told you not to feed that stuff to them! Do we have anything else to give them?
Xellos: Only the Coconut and Mushroom Surprise from this morning.
Rezo: That's no good; that's what got us into this mess in the first place. Some bright idea you had!
Xellos gets huffy and jumps up on his toes to shout in Rezo's face.
Xellos: You put the mushrooms into the food!
Rezo, leaning forward until he's nose-to-nose with Xellos: I didn't see you trying to stop me!
Xellos: You're BLIND! Of course you couldn't see me trying to stop you!
Rezo: Are you trying to tell me you were trying to stop me?
Xellos, pulls up short: No. [won't let it go without the last word, however] But if I had, you wouldn't have been able to see me.
Rezo: How about magicking up some more food?
Xellos, sulkily: All right. I'll try.
Xellos concentrates just like he did before, but the only thing that appears is a pink teddy bear. He startles then tosses it into the bushes. Rezo does a double take and 'looks' where it lands.
Xellos: Damn. Guess it was a one shot thing and I blew it on this stuff.
In the background, the kids have been having a food fight with Xellos' soup and have managed to get completely covered in the green goo. Now they're hungry, cranky AND stinky.
Rezo: Great. Looks like we'll have to give them baths, too.
Xellos: Why?
Rezo, patiently: Because I don't want out hut smelling like that crud, that's why! Now, you take them and get them cleaned up and I'll find some coconuts and make some more Coconut Surprise -- minus the mushrooms.
Rezo turns with an impressive flare of his robes. What would have otherwise been a dramatic gesture is completely ruined when the Red Priest falls flat on his face and ends up eating dirt. He pushes himself up and twitches his robes aside to reveal Zelgadis clinging to his leg. The boy shows no intention of letting go. Shaking his head, Rezo manages to get to his feet and then goes off into the jungle, limping as he is forced to drag the boy along on his leg. Xellos giggles to himself as he watches the other man disappear. His mirth doesn't last long as he hears Lina threatening to fireball someone. He turns to call the children only to get a faceful of his soup as he does.
Xellos: I hate kids. Hey! You! Get your butts over here! Now!
After some coercing and creative persuasion on his part, he manages to get the kids to the hotspring. Once there, he realizes he's got a decision to make: Does he want to try to undress six toddlers, not to mention the fact that would mean having those same six toddlers running around buck naked in the jungle? He shudders and decides not to think about that. Instead, he picks up the one closest to him, Martina, and dunks her in the water. She screeches and kicks.
Martina: It's hot! It's hot!
Lina, running up: I'll help, Unca Xelly!
Xellos: No, Lina! No!
Lina: Freeze Arrow!
The spring turns to ice water. Martina shrieks more and drenches Xellos with ice cold water.
Xellos, dropping Martina and hopping around: That's cold! That's cold!
Lina pipes up again: I'll help! FIREBALL!
Xellos, damp and burnt, stops and glares at her: Lina, be a dear and quit helping...Unca Xelly.
Lina: Awright, Unca Xelly.
Gourrigan runs up waving his stick: I'll help!
Lina shrieks and rushes off as Gourrigan manages to push Xellos into the spring (now warm again) where Amelia is sitting and happily singing, "Life is Wonderful" over and over while splashing in the water.
Xellos looks up, extremely wet and tired looking and says to no one in particular: Please, just kill me now ...
Rezo, lugging Zelgadis in a makeshift sling on his back, is looking for coconuts. He wanders into the hotspring clearing and pulls up short at what confronts him:
Gourrigan and Zangulus are running around, soaking wet and screaming at the top of their lungs. Amelia is sitting in a shallow pool singing "Life is Wonderful" over and over and splashing. Filia is swimming in the deeper spring, looking like a small lake dragon, with Lina and Martina on her back. Nearby, looking totally exhausted and just as soaked as the children is Xellos. The Mazoku is standing next to a coconut palm, quietly banging his head repeatedly against it. Around him are several freshly fallen coconuts. As Rezo stands there, another one falls and hits Xellos on the head, rolls off and joins the pile.
The Red Priest steps forward and takes charge of the situation.
Rezo, bellowing: Children!
Everyone in the clearing freezes in their tracks and looks at him -- including Xellos.
Rezo, firm but authoritative: Over here -- NOW!
The kids all scramble up and rush over to him while Xellos watches in amazement.
Rezo, looking over at Xellos: Why are they soaked? I thought I said to give them baths!
Xellos, recovering: Well, their clothes were covered in the stuff, too, so I figured it would be easier to just do both at the same time.
Rezo simply shakes his head at the Mazoku's twisted logic.
Rezo: All right, we'll just have to hope they don't catch cold.
Xellos, sarcastically: This is a tropical island. How are they going to catch cold?
Ignoring that remark, Rezo turns to the children: All right, kids. We're going to each pick up a coconut from that pile by Unca Xelly over there and take it back to the huts, got it?
As one, the children raise their fists: Hai!
They rush over to get their coconuts.
Rezo: Everyone line up behind Lina! No pushing or no dessert! Now, one, two, three, MARCH!
The children quietly march through the jungle towards the huts.
Xellos looks on in utter amazement: How did you do that?
Rezo looks extremely self-satisfied: It's a gift.
Xellos, glaring at Rezo: Don't give me that, you old windbag.
Rezo, patronizing: My dear Xellos, I have had children of my own; I know a few things about getting them to behave.
Xellos, blank look: You have?
Rezo jerks his thumb over his shoulder to Zelgadis, who is quietly sucking his thumb and watching Xellos with a murderous look.
Rezo: He is my grandson, you know.
Before Xellos can say anything else Rezo sweeps grandly out of the clearing. Xellos is about to run after him when Rezo's voice drifts back to him.
Rezo: By the way, Xellos, bring that bag of coconuts with you? There's a good lad.
Xellos stops and fumes in the general direction of Rezo: Lad? Lad??? Why, I'll ...
He grabs the bag and runs off to the clearing and the huts.
The children are all seated around the tables eating freshly prepared Coconut Surprise, with fresh glasses of coconut milk and looking as clean as possible as children who have taken baths with their cloths on can look. Rezo has had the foresight to separate Gourrigan, Lina and Amelia and to keep Xellos busy running back and forth with more servings to keep them getting grabby with the other kids' bowls.
When they're finally starting to slow down, Xellos comes back to Rezo and looks around with amazement. Rezo is beaming happily, looking as smug as a cat.
Rezo: I told you I knew how to handle kids.
On that cue, Zelgadis, still sitting in the sling on Rezo's back, dumps his bowl over Rezo's head. The Red Priest stands there with runny Coconut Surprise dripping down his face. Xellos goes into paroxysms of laughter and falls over into the sand.
Xellos: Oh, you sure know how to handle kids all right!
Something heavy lands on him and he looks into Zelgadis' cold eyes.
Rezo: Here. You take care of him. I need to get cleaned up.
As Rezo stomps away, Zelgadis gives Xellos a small, devilish grin. Xellos chuckles and goes to ruffle the boy's hair only to prick himself painfully on it. Zelgadis giggles.
Xellos, demanding: You want me to do what??
Rezo: Tell them a story so we can put them to bed.
Xellos: I'm a Mazoku. I don't do storytelling!
Lina: Tell us a story, Unca Xelly!
Gourrigan, brandishing his stick: Yeah! One with dragons in it! And a big swordsman who comes along and kills it with his sword!
Filia screeches and toasts Gourrigan.
Zangulus, brandishing his stick: No! Tell us a story about the greatest swordsman ever!
Gourrigan, soot popping off him: Hey! I'm the best swordsman!
Zangulus: Then I'll just have to challenge you!
Gourrigan and Zangulus start fighting, banging their sticks together in a childish imitation of a duel.
Lina: Tell us a story with big monsters in it! Scary monsters! And Dark Lords!
Amelia, shrieking: EEK! No monsters! Tell us a happy story! About Love! And Justice!
Xellos, looking put upon and ready to explode: All right, all RIGHT! Just settle down!
The children all freeze and look at him with big, bright eyes, as if on the verge of tears.
Xellos: Geez, don't start crying. Look, just sit down and I'll tell you a story.
The children settle down in the sand around his feet and listen attentively.
Xellos: Ah ... Story ... Hey, Rezo, shouldn't you be doing this? You're the one who's had kids.
Rezo, trying to do dishes: Sorry, got my hands full. Unless you want to do the cleaning up.
Zelgadis is sitting next to Rezo's feet with one arm around his grandfather's leg. When Xellos isn't looking, Rezo tosses the dishes over his shoulder into the brush and drags Zelgadis over to his chair.
Xellos, sighing: No, I'll tell them a story if it means I get to sit down. [pauses] Okay, a thousand years ago the Mazoku and the Dragons were having a war. The Dragons were losing --
Filia: WWWWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Rezo: Xellos! Not that story! A kids' story!
Xellos, whining: But I don't want to tell a kids' story!
Rezo, brandishing his staff: Do it!
Xellos, huffing: Oh, all right, if I have to. Once there was this little girl names Goldilocks. She was lost in the woods while being chased by a wolf while on her way to her grandmother's house. She came across a house made of straw and went inside but it collapsed when a pig attacked her. Screaming, she ran through the forest and found another house made of bricks. There were three pigs -- including the one who had attacked her earlier -- and they were having a cookout with the wolf as the main entrée. They attacked her with big knives and she ran some more and found a house made of gingerbread. Inside were three bears who ate the little girl. They later died of food poisoning. The gingerbread house collapsed in an earthquake and the pigs' house of bricks was squashed by a boulder. And they all lived happily ever after. The end.
The kids are all looking at him with varying expressions:
Lina and Gourrigan: Oh! That was a great story!
Amelia: EEK! No it wasn't! It was horrible! And scary!
Martina: Yes, it was scary!
She and Amelia start punching out the other kids as they screech and scream. The other kids start punching back.
Rezo, in the background, rubbing the bridge of his nose: Xellos ...
Xellos: What? You said tell them a story and I did. What more do you want from me?
Rezo, disgusted: Just put them to bed. You take the girls and I'll take the boys.
Amelia grabs Xellos' hands and drags him towards the girls' hut: C'mon, Unca Xelly! Come tuck us in! And sing us a song!
Xellos, looks stricken and demands: Surely you're not serious about this?
Rezo: Do you want to sit up with them all night?
Xellos: Screw that! I'm exhausted!
Rezo: Well, then. Put the girls to bed.
He stands up and pries Zelgadis off his leg. He herds the boys to the guys' hut, leaving Xellos alone with the girls.
Lina, grabs his other hand: C'mon!
Reluctantly, Xellos allows himself to be dragged along into the girls' hut. He doesn't even enjoy the fact that this may be the only time he'll be able to be in the girls' hut without receiving several fireballs in his face. The girls crawl into their beds.
Amelia: Sing us a song, Unca Xelly!
Xellos: No, I draw the line at singing songs, Amelia.
Amelia: But I can't go to sleep without a song!
Lina: Yeah! A song!
Martina: A song!
Filia: Rrrowwr!
Xellos sighs: All right, one song --
Amelia: Yay! Sing the "Life is Wonderful" song!
Xellos, snapping at her: No! No -- not that song. [thinks] I don't know any songs.
Lina: I know one.
Xellos: Really?
Lina: Yeah.
Lina starts to sing a very bawdy beer tavern song, one that manages to make even Xellos turn red with embarrassment. He claps a hand over her mouth to stop her singing.
Xellos: Lina! You shouldn't know such a song no matter what your age!
Lina: Why?
Xellos: Because it's not a nice song.
Lina: Why?
Xellos: It's just not, that's why.
Lina: Why?
Xellos, sweatdropping: Because I said so!
Lina, settling back into bed: Okay.
Amelia: You still haven't sung us a song.
Xellos: Lina just sang one, that will have to do. Get in bed, girls.
He goes over to pull the curtains closed across the window that is over Amelia's bed. As he leans over her, she jumps up and grabs him around the neck and gives him a big hug and kiss. Xellos, in his weakened condition, is stunned and goes rigid. When Amelia releases him, he falls to the floor, eyes gone all spirally. Amelia giggles, grabs her blanket and pillow and crawls out of bed to curl up next to him on the floor. Xellos shudders but does not come around. After a few minutes, the other girls join Amelia in cuddling up next to "Unca Xelly." Filia drapes herself over his legs and curls up.
Rezo collapses into his chair in the clearing after finally managing to man-handle the boys into bed. Even Zelgadis had finally relented and went quietly to sleep in his own bed, giving Rezo a break from holding him. It had taken a few threats to deprive Gourrigan and Zangulus of their makeshift swords, but even they had given up in the end. Now he could take a much deserved break and maybe rag on Xellos for getting them into this mess to begin with. Already his spirits were starting to look up.
As he thought of Xellos, it occurs to him that the Mazoku wasn't around.
Rezo: Xellos?
No answer. He calls louder.
Rezo: Xellos?
Hauling himself out of the chair, he goes over to the girls' hut. There's the sound of soft giggles coming from inside -- the sound of children who are supposed to be asleep but aren't and think they're pulling a fast one on the grown-ups. Casting his magic senses inside, he "sees" Xellos passed out on the floor. He's out cold, down for the count, KO'd and isn't likely to be coming around anytime soon, not with Amelia hugging him and singing "Life is Wonderful" over and over in a low monotone.
It occurs to Rezo that he could just leave Xellos there like that; what would happen shortly after the effects of the mushrooms wore off and the girls found themselves "sleeping with" Xellos would be worth the price of admission. However, Xellos is obviously suffering, so he decides to rescue the Trickster before that can happen. Besides, they might actually kill him, then where would he be? Stuck on this island with all these "good guys" with no one else to relieve the monotony.
Rezo: Girls! You should be in bed! It's past your bedtime! Hup!
He claps his hands together a few times and the girls scramble back into their beds, leaving Xellos alone on the sandy floor.
After making sure they're all in their beds and dispensing "Good nights" all around, he picks Xellos by the collar and drags him out of the hut.
Outside Rezo sighs and dumps Xellos into his hammock. Taking his own seat, he leans back and massages his temples. He takes a deep breath.
Rezo: Finally ...
He looks around at Xellos, making sure the Mazoku is still out cold. Then he goes over to where Xellos had thrown the pink teddy bear into the bushes earlier. He kneels down, scrambles around until he finds it. Getting up, he goes to sit down and hugs it and gets a blissful smile on his face. Then, quickly, before anyone can see, he stashes it in his robes.
Eventually, Xellos makes sounds of coming around. Rezo is quiet.
Xellos, moaning loudly: Itai ... I've got the Mother of all hangovers -- without the pleasure of having gotten drunk first!
Rezo: It could have been worse.
Xellos, glares at Rezo: Just how could it have been worse?
Silence.
Rezo, tiredly: No, I guess it couldn't have been. At least it's over now.
Xellos: Gods, I hope so. [pause] Are you sure they'll transform back in the morning?
Rezo, shrugs: No way to be sure, but that's how these things usually work. They last twenty-four hours then wear off.
Xellos: It had better or I may just try swimming to Japan.
Rezo: Not without me, you won't.
Xellos looks at Rezo and grins, slowly returning to his former cheery self, albeit still somewhat subdued.
Xellos: Why, I didn't know you cared, Rezo.
Rezo: Don't flatter yourself, Mazoku.
Xellos is about to retaliate but he simply can't summon the energy. He lies back to simply enjoy the peace and quiet.
Sometime later, there's the sound of small footsteps behind him. Both Rezo and Xellos are instantly awake as the piercing, high-pitched voice of a five-year-old Lina Inverse demands
Lina: I wanna glass of water!
Rezo and Xellos: GROAN!
Later ...
Xellos: I thought they'd never go back to sleep!
Rezo doesn't say anything for fear of jinxing the moment. But it does appear that the children have finally settled down. Both Rezo and Xellos slip into exhausted sleep.
All is quiet as the sun sinks in the west. The moon rises and the stars come out. The surf washes on the sand and all is peaceful on Gourrigan's Island.
The Next Morning ...
The guys and girls, back to their normal (heh, right ... ) selves all stumble out of their huts and look around curiously.
Lina: Oh, man! I had some strange dreams last night!
Amelia: Me, too. [grins] Happy ones, though!
Filia, holding up a makeshift doll: I found a doll with purple hair in my bed ...
Everyone looks at her curiously. There is some tittering, but a glare from the Golden Dragon silences those right off.
Zelgadis: I dreamt I was a -- [shudder] Never mind.
Gourrigan, holding his stomach: My stomach hurts ... Ow ... Strange, I don't remember anything after breakfast yesterday.
Amelia: So what else is new?
Zangulus, scratching head: I don't remember anything either.
Lina jerks her thumb over her shoulder towards the sleeping Rezo and Xellos, who are both still out cold and snoring (and drooling).
Lina: Geez, look at those two.
Zangulus: Must have been some party.
Martina: And they didn't invite us! How rude! Just what I'd expect from those two.
Amelia, holding up several strange looking mushrooms: Hey! Look what I found!
The others gather around and look at Amelia's find. Lina looks over at the Red Priest and Xellos, a sly, fang-toothed grin on her face.
Lina: So, they've been having fun without us, eh?
Gourrigan, takes a mushroom: These are really creepy looking.
Zelgadis: They must be pretty potent.
Gourrigan: How can you tell?
Zelgadis, nodding towards the two passed out priests: Well, look at them.
There's a moment of silence as the group watch the two snore and drool.
Amelia: You think they're anything like the Funky Fruit?
Everyone looks at one another then each grabs a mushroom and pops it into his or her mouth. There's several moments of silence save for chewing noises.
Martina: These things taste weird.
Lina, makes a face: Yeah.
Gourrigan: I dunno. I kinda like it.
Zelgadis: You would.
Amelia: I feel weird ...
Lina: Funky Fruit weird?
Amelia: No, just ... like I want to play with dolls or something.
All: Yeah ...
CRASH! CLANG!
Gourrigan: I'm the best swordsman!
Zangulus: No, I am!
Xellos and Rezo slowly come awake in the middle of what sounds like a battlefield. Or a daycare run amuck. They sit up, stare around then at each other. Amelia, carrying Zelgadis, runs up to them. She sets Zelgadis in Rezo's lap then jumps on Xellos. She wraps her arms around Xellos' neck and starts to sing.
Amelia: Life is wonderful, Unca Xelly!
Both Xellos and Rezo's eyes go extremely round as very large sweatdrops appear on their heads.
Xellos and Rezo: AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
They both fall over unconscious.
Lina runs by, chasing Martina.
Lina: You pulled my hair, Martina! I'll get you! FIREBALL!!