Based on a song of the same name by Alanis Morissette.
Wow, it took me a looong time to finish this! I think this was actually the second Slayers fanfic I ever started. I got to one point and just couldn't figure out how to end it, then Duty came along, and everything else went on the backburner, including this piece. I really like Joining You, but it was difficult as hell to write. Months back and forth, writing little snippets of it here and there was frustrating. The characters just didn't want to behave. Ah well, here it is now. Enjoy!
It was night once again the Slayers camp. After 3 hours of fishing and devouring of said fish, Lina and Gourry were finally full, and had headed off to their respective bedrolls. Amelia found hers much earlier, already in a deep sleep by the time they laid down.
Zelgadis took the first watch, telling the others that he had things on his mind and couldn't get to sleep soon anyway. As soon as he was certain the others were asleep, he sighed. Guess this is it, he thought to himself.
Zel silently walked over to Gourry's side, crouching down right next to the tall mercenary-turned-sorceress-guardian. Using all the stealth his stone body would allow him, he reached out towards the swordsman's chest and grasped the hilt of the Hikari no Ken with his right hand. Holding the hilt so that it wouldn't fall with a crash, Zelgadis reached down with his other hand and released the catch that held blade to hilt, and pulled away and up with the sword simultaneously.
He looked at the Hikari no Ken in his outstretched arms, the mask of emotionlessness dropped for once. His eyes screamed fear, hope, and despair, all completely bared in the reflections the fire's light gave them. He took a step to leave the campsite, to perform the last act he would ever do, but his leg was caught in a tight grip. Looking down, a pair of sapphires met a pair of flashing rubies.
She motioned for him to go to a clearing not far from the site, a patch of treeless grass near the pond they had fished earlier that night. Zelgadis followed the sorceress's unspoken command, knowing she wouldn't let him get away with not obeying.
They both sat down by the pond's shore. Zelgadis mused to himself that Lina might be letting him die. He had decided that if the Hikari no Ken wouldn't penetrate his rocky skin that he would drown himself here.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, Zel?!" Lina screamed at the top of her lungs. Ah, so that's why she brought me out here. So she wouldn't have to whisper angrily at me.
"What's it look like, Lina."
"It looks like you're trying to kill yourself, baka."
"You always were perceptive." The sarcasm was almost tangible in the air.
Lina sighed, trying to release some of her anger before she wound up hitting Zel. She knew it wouldn't help either of them. "Why?"
Zel still wasn't finished cracking the whip of his wit. "I think you know damn well by now the reason why. I'm tired of searching for something I'll never find."
"That hasn't caused you to try to commit suicide before."
"Yes it has."
She snapped her head up at that, studying him. He was looking out across the waters, the moonlight illuminating his sullen face and making his lavender locks seem silver. "When?"
"A long time ago. A few months after Rezo...changed me."
"Well, okay, but you didn't die then and you haven't tried since then, right?"
"Yeah, but that's because I found something to live for. My cure kept me going. But it's been years since I set out to find it, yet I'm no closer to my goal than the first day of my quest. And do you want to know why? Because it's an impossible task, that's why. I have no reason to go on anymore." He closed his eyes, his head drooping slightly. "There is no cure. I'll never be human again."
All Lina could do was stare at him. There had been plenty of times when Zel had acted all depressed and gloomy about trying to find his cure, but she'd never heard him get this bad about it. Several emotions were at war in her as to what she should do next. Part of her wanted to reach out and hug him, or say something to cheer him up. Another part just wanted to keep staring, and only act if he decided to follow through with what he'd planned to do that night. However, a third part piped up quite strongly and promptly put the others to rest.
"Baka!" she screamed, jumping up and hitting him with her fist. "Itai!!!!!" she screamed again, this time in extreme pain. Brilliant, Lina, she thought. Hit a man made of stone with all the strength you can muster. I probably just broke some bones. Yep, this finger is definitely not supposed to be able to reach that far down.
Zel just watched the whole thing in amusement and wonder, rubbing his head where she hit him. She never learns. Hmm...I think she actually broke one of her fingers this time. "Lina, stop hopping around and come here." he said, trying to hold back his chuckles as he watched the red-headed sorceress doing movements that would be considered a jester's dance.
She quickly complied, the levity in his voice making her sigh in relief. Well, at least he snapped out of it. Lina held out her hand, knowing Zel meant for her to come so he could heal her.
"Gods, you broke two of them this time. You have got to find a better way to take out your frustrations when you're with me."
"Yeah, it hurts too much to hit you, yet I never seem to remember that until the damage is done."
"Okay, now this might hurt a bit..." he trailed off as he took her broken fingers and set them back in place with a loud snap.
Lina shrieked. "A bit!!! That hurt a ton!" She brought out her good hand and swung it out towards Zelgadis. Instinctively, he countered, grabbing her hand just inches in front of his face.
"That wasn't very smart, either, Lina."
She just shrugged in response as Zel turned back to her hand and started casting a Recovery on it. After he finished, he released Lina's hand and turned back to the pond, his head tilted towards the moon.
Zelgadis sighed. "I'm sick of it, Lina. If there was a cure, don't you think we would've found it by now?"
Lina moved to sit back down next to him. "I dunno. Maybe, maybe not. I mean we never did get a hold of the Claire Bible for you to look at. I only got to ask a couple of questions. And we've only been in the outside world for a little while now. There could be a cure for you out here." Not that you need it, she wanted to add. Gods, I thought I'd gotten him away from this idea for the night.
"So, how did you hear me sneaking out, anyway? I could barely hear myself."
"I heard you planning it the other night. Really, Zel, you need to learn to formulate plans in your head if you want them to succeed. Not that I'd let you kill yourself anyway." Zel snorted as if to say 'Yeah, right.' "We're your friends. If no one else cares whether you live or die, we do. And if you leave me only with only Amelia and Gourry for conversation, I will punish you for it in the afterlife!"
"Hmph. Leaving you alone with the jellyfish swordsman and the justice paladin for your only source on conversation....that's a pretty tempting idea. I might have to try that sometime, see how you fair," he said with a smirk.
Lina glared at the chimera, her ruby eyes willing burn marks to appear in his ivory tunic. "Oh yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah!"
"Okay! But if you do, you'll get THIS!"
She lunged at Zel, but he was prepared. One does not travel long with the Enemy of All Who Lives without learning how much it takes for Lina to reach her boiling point and go into Attack Mode. As she sprung towards him, Zelgadis used his powerful stone hands to grab her flying fists. The two were knocked off their feet and began rolling on the ground. They continued in this manner for quite some time, both waiting for the other to tire and concede defeat. It wasn't until the two sorcerers' backs were soaked that they noticed they had rolled some twenty feet to the edge of the pond. They laid there, Zel in the mud and Lina on top of him, panting from the rolling competition.
Suddenly, both realized what a compromising situation they were in and blushed deeply, Lina as bright red as her fiery tresses, Zel thirteen shades of crimson. Neither moved; their bodies didn't seem to want to respond. They were too busy catching their breaths to bother listening to their screeching minds.
Zel's body finally decided it was willing to move again, but it still wasn't responding to much of what Zel was telling it to do. It decided to do the one thing Zel had at the back of his mind that he was scared to do at the moment: kiss Lina. At that point, both Lina's and Zel's minds went blank. Lina was quite surprised to find that her body was now also working again, albeit against her orders, and had decided to kiss Zelgadis back.
When their bodies once again realized there was a lack of air in their lungs, the kiss ended, and the shaman and sorceress regained control. Lina did the first thing that her mind told her to do: get the hell off Zelgadis and back away. She tried to stand, but the momentum from flinging herself away from the stone-skinned young man made her land flat on her butt. Wonderful, injury number two of the evening. Zel's first action was to sit up and put on a lovely looking face of complete and utter shock. Lina had much the same face on, as coincidences do occur. They simply continued to stare at one another for the next few minutes, their minds trying to process all the messages flitting through.
At long last, Lina's brain finished its analysis and again granted her the gift of speech. "What the hell was that!" She wanted to scream it, but it only came out as an astonished whisper.
"I don't know," Zelgadis intelligently replied.
"What do you mean you don't know?! You're the one who kissed me!" This time she definitely hollered. That's more like it, she thought.
I did?!? Zel's mind screeched. Oh gods, I think I did... "S-sorry," he turned away from her. "Must've tasted like kissing a floor. I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry, Lina."
The sorceress's steam started to taper off as she saw her friend get all depressed again. "Nah, it's okay, Zel. I mean, I kissed back, even if I'm not sure why..." Like hell I'm not sure why! I just don't want him to know that yet! "And it didn't taste like kissing a floor. Where'd you get an idea like that?"
"My skin is stone, you know."
"Yeah, but it didn't taste bad..." a blush etched itself onto Lina's face. "You're actually a pretty good kisser, if I think about it."
Blink "Y-you think so?"
"I know so! You kissed me, ne?" "Uh, thanks, I guess..." the shaman stood and stared at the setting moon yet again. "You're just trying to distract me. Let me get this over with, alright?" "No way! You think I'm just gonna stand here and let you kill yourself? You're out of your mind, Zelgadis!" Especially after you just kissed me. Idiot!
"...We're friends, right Lina?"
"Yeah, of course we are."
"Then why do you want me to continue to suffer? I don't want to live this way anymore. I can't stand being regarded as a monster by others, even if my friends don't."
"So instead, you wish to end your life, leaving behind the pain and sorrow you've faced. Well, you're right. If you do kill yourself, you'll be leaving behind plenty of pain and sorrow, giving it to us to deal with since you'll be gone. Maybe you really are the heartless swordsman you play yourself out to be; you'd have to be to do this to us." Lina's eyes flared, the brilliant red seeming like flames flickering in the moonlight. She turned and started walking back to the campsite, boots making squishing sounds as she walked. "Kill yourself if you're really that cold; I won't stop you." She stopped just before the tree line and whispered, tears forming in her eyes, "But I still don't think you are."
Zel watched as she left, then moved his eyes to the Hikari no Ken where it lied on the pond's shore. He crouched down to pick it up, then sat down in the grass, staring at the hilt's ornate designs.
"Hikari-o," he sighed, the blade of light forming before him. It hummed in his ears as he took the sword in one hand, then raising the other so that his sleeve slid down. He lightly pressed the blade against the inside of his stone arm, breaking the skin and making a line of red down the length of the cut. The blood flowed smoothly, staining his glove as it trickled down to the grass. Zelgadis studied the tiny rivers in a daze, then blinked, his eyes widening. Oh gods, what am I doing??? He started feeling a little light-headed from the blood loss. The world spun, then refocused.
The shaman began to panic. He decided to stop it, heal the wound before he bled to death. Lina was right; I can't do this. His body was too weak by that point, his casting abilities had fled. His breathing sped as he realised this. I have to get back to camp. Zel looked to the trees, just barely making out the campfire. He stood on shaky legs and started running, holding the self-inflicted wound and leaving the deactivated Hikari no Ken behind, blood dripping down into its crevices.
Lina heard a noise in the trees. She had taken the watch, knowing that she wouldn't be able to return to sleep. Standing, she drew her short sword and made her way out of the campsite, following the rustling sounds as they increased in volume. About thirty feet from their makeshift camp, Zelgadis broke through the foliage and tripped, collapsing on the ground with a loud thump. The sorceress sped to him.
"Zel, what's wrong? What happened?" she asked, her eyes scanning over his huddled form. He lay there, crouched on his knees, holding his arm with his head on the soft earth below him. His cape prevented her from seeing his wound until she rolled him onto his side. "Oh gods!" Lina gasped.
The chimera looked up at her pitifully. "It won't stop bleeding, Lina. I know I'm an idiot for doing this, but please, just heal me then berate me later."
She tried to quell her anger as she removed his hand from its place over the slice, revealing the split vein gushing blood. Running had not been a good idea; it only served to speed up the bleeding. "You're damn right I'll berate you later," she grumbled, then started casting Recovery on his arm, mending the stone flesh. "Good thing you didn't come to Amelia to heal ya; she'd freak out at all this blood."
Zel nodded, blinking as he tried to stay awake.
Injury healed and sealed, Lina helped him to sit up, then stand slowly, guiding him back to the pond. "You're a mess."
He managed a small chuckle, clinging the small-statured young woman. "I just want to fall asleep."
"Too bad. Not until you're cleaned up. Travelling around in blood-stained clothes will not improve the fear factor of our group."
"H-hai."
The two reached the pond once more, Lina setting Zelgadis down by the bank, then taking off his boots and socks.
"O-oi, what are you doing?"
"You need to save your strength. I'll take your stuff off for you."
"Take my stuff off??? Lina, I am not bathing in front of you!"
"Oh please, you can leave your shorts on. Not like I haven't seen you practically naked before, anyway," she commented, coming up next to him and pulling off his cloak and gloves. "Eew, they're already getting sticky! We need this stuff in the water. If you're so paranoid or embarrassed or whatever, you could clean your clothes with them still on, but you did get some blood in some rather, uh, hard to reach places."
"Fine," he sighed, defeated.
"Raise your arms," she instructed. He did so, allowing her to shuck off his tunic. "You wear too many clothes, you know that? Lie back so I can slip your pants off."
Zel complied. "I do not wear too many clothes. I wish I could wear more without taking away from my manoeuvrability." He arched his back, raising his rear off the ground so Lina could start her task.
Wow, I never realised how well-built he is. Whoa! You can't think like that right now... The redhead struggled with a blush as her trembling fingers thrust out and found purchase on Zel's waistband. She slipped the pants down, slowly revealing the rest of his body save for his pelvic area. Huh, I thought he wore briefs. Guess he had those on because of that high-cut dress. She crouched at his side and held out an arm that he gratefully took, the two rising, neither looking at the other. "Uh, you go ahead and get started. I'll go wake up Gourry and tell him to take watch."
"Okay."
As the sorceress headed back once more to the campsite, Zelgadis slipped into the water and began rubbing out the stains from his blood-soaked, mud-caked clothes. He took in his surrounding as he did so: the tall trees surrounding a clear water pond, the moon full and bright in the night sky. Majestic, serene. To think, I almost killed myself on a night like this. What a contrast of sights.
He dipped the side of his cloak into the water, watching as it clung to the wetness, soaking it up. The small amount of blood deposited there began to diffuse away from the fabric, taken off to join something else. Something better, more pure and clean. Yet the cleanliness became dirtied by its presence. It reminded him of a situation he felt all too familiar with. He was the cloth, she the water, and his sorrows the blood. She took them away, made something better of his life. But the blood was hers too now. The sorrow was his, and she took it. He dirtied the clean water, and he hated that.
So why had he kissed her tonight? Questions a plenty, but he had answers few. But he could worry about that later, he decided, seeing Lina return from her task to help in another. One he had caused. Tonight, he would join her, but the nights to come still remained unknown.