[opening credits/theme]
[applause; audience is mixed: lurkers, Slayworld residents, and animal rights activists. Rabidcow is in the Betareader's throne, reading a beta]
[Noonsa, Dilgear, Gravos, and Jiras are already seated onstage, in order, w/radio mikes]
Xellos: [teleports in, front & center, w/microphone & purple-black suit] [grin] Hello, everyone, and thanks for tuning in to the Xellos Show! And on this week's show we'll be talking to Animal Freaks -- or as the ASPCA would prefer us to say, 'Bestial Singularities!'
guests: Eh?
X: -- Just as soon as I've told you that this week's sponsor is the gracious Beastmaster Zelas Metallium [whips out index card & glances] -- not to be confused with the Thigh-Master or Butt-Master [flings card over shoulder]. Now, our first guest today is technically dead, but that's never stopped us before, so please welcome Noonsa the fish-man!
Audience: [polite applause, except from raving mad Noonsa fans]
X: [approaches Noonsa] Mr. Noonsa, can you tell us how you came to be a thug of Rezo the Red Priest?
Noonsa: Well, I got word through some of my friends on land that he was hiring, and you can imagine there aren't many other kinds of work for fish-men -- well, not inland, anyway. And the money was good, too.
X: Do you have any tips for other fish-men out there in the same position?
N: Yes! Don't fall in love on the job. It can get very, very painful!
X: I see... Mr. Noonsa, you are aware of the manner in which your remains were ... ah ... disposed of, yes?
N: [sigh] Yes.
X: Do you bear your former coworkers any ill will, at all?
N: Not a whole lot -- they did bury my skeleton, after all -- but let's just say, if they ever fall in a lake, there won't be any timely rescues by another fish-man.
X: Sounds like a bit of a grudge, there.
N: And why don't you have me on your show more often?
X: I'd have thought it was obvious, Noonsa -- you're a cold fish.
N: Well, yes, but...
X: [moving right along] Our next guest today is actually the only one of Mr. Noonsa's coworkers who didn't get a mouthful at the snack. I mean wake. Are you feeling shorted, Mr. Dilgear?
Dilgear: Absolutely not! Noonsa was a close, personal friend, and I was very upset at his demise!
X: You're sure it's not because you didn't get any?
D: Yes!
X: I mean, imagine how he'd taste with some rice and vinegar... Or maybe lemon and butter...
D: [pause] Now stop that! I could never have eaten Noonsa; I've known him since I was a cub!
X: Is that so? Well, it brings to me another topic, Mr. Dilgear: aren't you supposed to be part troll?
Gravos: Ehh? [turns a bit greener]
D: Well, yes... The healing factor comes in handy, when you're working as a mercenary thug...
G: [bafflement] ???
X: I imagine it would! But how in the world would a troll and a werewolf happen to intersect in your family tree? Or do we even want to know?
G: [shakes head vigorously]
D: [blush] Well, uh, I... You'd have to ask Rezo about that, I guess... [skritches] I'm not very clear on it, myself...
X: Fair enough! But, one last question for you, Mr. Dilgear --
D: ??
X: Since leaving the employ of the Red Priest, isn't it true that you've had a name change? [grin]
D: [blush/alarm] A name change!?
X: [grin] Yes! Weren't you adopted by a part-time waitress who thought you'd make a cuddly pet?
D: [panicked glance at camera] Well, I don't know about that --
X: [huge grin] I think you know just what I'm talking about, Mr. Spot "Dilgear" Inverse!!
Audience: [applause & cheers]
D: Can we talk about something else, now?
X: [still grinning] Of course we can! Mustn't forget the other guests, now -- ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mr. Gravos Mounttop! [proceeds to Gravos]
Audience: [more applause]
X: Mr. Gravos, you're a full-blooded troll, yes?
G: Yes...
X: So, can you explain why you have a tail, digitigrade legs, and the power of speech, while the trolls Mr. Dilgear is familiar with are little more than colored cavemen with fangs?
G: [rubs head] Uh, well, I haven't seen a lot of the first season, but I'd have to guess that the trolls from lands inside the barrier are very different from the rest of us outside. They look a lot more human, for one thing...
Audience: [unease] ewww...
X: [wrinkles nose] Well, that's got even more revolting implications than Dilgear's lineage.
G: Tell me about it! [grimaces] Humans! Yurrgh...
X: Mr. Gravos, you're no longer working under Mr. Valgaav at this time, yes?
G: Er, yes.
X: But you're still working for a dragon, aren't you? What do you do for a living, these days?
G: [droop/blush] I ... restore old tea sets.
X: [grin] Well! That's quite a change in vocation, Mr. Gravos: from looting and pillaging to polishing tea sets! Have any of your old friends come by to point and laugh yet?
G: [frown] No...
X: Well, what's holding them back?
G: [elbows Jiras] They're in charge of patterned china and decorative vases.
Audience: [chuckles]
X: [proceeding to Jiras] Oh, that's right! Our next guest is Gravos' longtime partner, Mr. Jiras --
Audience: [applause/cheers from furry fans]
X: Mr. Jiras, about how long have you worked with Mr. Gravos, here?
Jiras: [mild stage fright] Erm ... quite a while, now...
X: So, would you say he's any good at gluing together old teacups?
J: Uh ... [glances at Gravos] yeah...
X: [clears throat] Mr. Jiras, you're a red fox-derivative beast-man, aren't you?
J: Yes!
X: But, aren't foxes supposed to be intelligent?
J: What're you talking about? I'm plenty smart! I invent stuff all the time!
X: So, you don't think your ventures into incendiary, fragmentation, and projectile weaponry have impaired your intellect at all?
J: [slightly dizzy] What?
X: [concern] You don't wet the bed, do you?
J: No, of course not!
X: Well, that's good to know. Has your new employer shared any views or opinions regarding your tendency to play with explosives?
J: Uh ... well... She says not to let 'em off anywhere near the store...
X: Is that all she said?
J: I think so...
X: Well, maybe we should ask her in person? Please welcome our Surprise Mystery Guest, Miss Filia ul Copt!
Filia: [gets shoved onstage left] Hey!
Audience: [cheers]
X: [grin] Welcome back on the show, Miss Filia!
F: You! What are you up to, now? [seethes]
X: Well, I'm only about to interview you for these nice people [gestures to audience], Filia, if you don't mind...
F: [blink] Oh... Well . . okay... [straightens hair]
X: Now, you're a gold dragon, correct?
F: Yes...
X: And you come from a rather long line of the Fire Dragon King's minions, yes?
F: Um, yes...
X: Have any of them owned or managed a business before, to the best of your knowledge?
F: What? No . . I think I'm the first...
X: I see. So you wouldn't say business sense runs in the family, would you?
F: What's that supposed to mean!?
X: Well, let's see: a violent, hot-tempered dragon running an antique china shop of all things, staffed by a hulking ex-mercenary troll and an explosives expert -- doesn't that sound to you like a recipe for disaster?
F: [Death Glare] I think you'd know more about disastrous recipes than I ever would!
X: [twitch] So, I take it you let Gravos do the cooking?
F: [snarl] I know what you're trying to do! You're trying to provoke me into transforming on stage again to give your audience another peep show! [blush] Well, I'm onto you, Xellos!
X: [very mild] Actually, Filia, that wasn't what I was trying to do at all.
F: [!!] It wasn't?
X: Nope! I was just trying to provoke you into whipping out your mace on stage to give the audience another peep show. [smirk]
F: [twitch] Is that so! Well, I'm not going to do it. [folds arms] There's one thing you've forgotten about me, Mr. Xellos.
X: And what might that be?
F: [tiny smirk] This ... Repressor! [laser breath]
X: Wah!! [hasty dodge]
Dilgear et al: o___o
N: [is once more flash-fried] [whimpers] ...
X: [crawls under Dilgear's chair] Well, thank you for coming on the show today, Miss Filia, and for showing off the true temperament of the dragon race... [emerges behind guests]
F: Hahh! [laser breath]
X: [teleports out of the way, to stage front] So, if any of you have questions or comments, you can send them c/o our Executive Producer Renfield.
[closing credits/theme]
F: Repressor! [laser breath]
X: [teleports out; materializes beside camera] [quietly] And if you want to appear on the Xellos Show -- well, tough; we're overbooked!
F: [hollers] As long as you've got that microphone, I know you're in the building, Xellos!
G: H-hold on, Miss Filia, if you don't calm down, they'll make us pay for the damage!
F: Oh! Ah ... whoops... Oh my...
X: [snickers] And don't forget to plot your whole next week around our upcoming show, "Money!" [grin/wave] See you then!
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