Hello. Welcome to my very first Fanfic (err Songfic). The song is in all caps as I was too lazy to do it any other way. Also (just so you don't think I made a mistake) one of Filia's lines is in all caps. This is intentional as it is a part of the song. I didn't think it was something Xellos would say so I had Filia say it. Now.........THE DISCLAIMER!! (ooooo dramatic) The Slayers belong to um...rich people. They know who they are. They don't need to be told (grin). The song Masochism Tango belongs to Tom Lehrer. The other songs belong to their respective owners and all songs were taken from the Dr. Demento show. I mentioned everyone (sorta) so please don't sue me. You wouldn't get anything anyway as I was cursed with permanent moneylessness (its that a word?) when I was but a mere babe. Well, I have rambled long enough (forgive me, its my first author's notes too). Enjoy!
Gourry: Um, why are we here again?
Zel: I think the place we're in would give you a clue. (sarcastically) Oh, forgot who I was talking to sorry.
Xellos: Well, I am on next so your questions will soon be answered. (Grabs a bowl of popcorn from the bar) Here. This should keep you occupied till then.
(Lina reaches across the table and grabs a handful of popcorn before Gourry can eat it all)
Lina: I still don't know why you had to drag all of us here to hear you sing.
Xellos: It's not as if you had anything else to do Lina-San.
(Zelgadis crosses his arms across his chest and glares murderously at Xellos)
Zel: Well I did. I could be following that lead I have on the Claire Bible!
Xellos: You, most of all, need a break Zelly.
(Zelgadis swings his fist at Xellos, missing as Xellos ducks out of hitting range)
Zel: Don't EVER call me Zelly you fruitcake!
(The current singer finishes and a neon sign flashes the number 66)
Xellos: Well, that's me. Wish me luck.
Filia, Lina, Zel: In your dreams Xellos.
(Xellos takes the microphone from the karaoke attendant and smiles at the audience, which consists of Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis, Amelia, Filia, and a bunch of guys trying to impress their dates with their singing.)
Xellos: This is a very special song to me and I want to dedicate it to someone very dear to me.
Gourry: Who are you dedicating it to Xellos?
Xellos: (Smiles and holds up his index finger) Sore wa himitsu desu! You are going to have to figure it out yourselves. (clears throat) Music Maestro!
(The attendant rolls his eyes and starts up the music)
(Tango music starts up)
Lina: A tango?
Xellos: (Singing in a baritone voice that makes the fangirls swoon and faint)
I ACHE FOR THE TOUCH OF YOUR LIPS DEAR
BUT MUCH MORE FOR THE TOUCH OF YOUR WHIPS DEAR
(Lina makes a strangled choking sound. Amelia slaps her a few times on the back)
YOU CAN RAISE WELTS LIKE NOBODY ELSE
AS WE DANCE TO THE MASOCHISM TANGO.
Zel: (shakes his head) We should have seen that coming.
LET OUR LOVE BE A FLAME, NOT AN EMBER
SAY ITS ME THAT YOU WANT TO DISMEMBER
Filia, Lina & Zel: It's you we want to dismember.
BLACKEN MY EYE, SET FIRE TO MY TIE
Gourry: Xellos wears ties? (Gets punched by Lina)
AS WE DANCE TO THE MASOCHISM TANGO.
(Zelgadis attempts to stand but Lina yanks him back down into his seat)
Lina: If I have to sit through this, you have to sit through this.
AT YOUR COMMAND, BEFORE YOU HERE I STAND
MY HEART IS IN MY HAND
(Xellos disappears and quickly reappears with a still beating heart in his hand)
Lina: I wonder where he got the heart from.
Zel: Don't you mean who he got the heart from?
IT'S HERE THAT I MUST BE.
MY HEART ENTREATS, JUST HEAR THOSE SAVAGE BEATS
(Holds up beating heart)
AND GO PUT ON YOUR CLEATS
AND COME AND TRAMPLE ME.
Filia: (Starts looking around)
Lina: What are you looking for Filia?
Filia: A pair of cleats so I can trample him.
YOUR HEART IS HARD AS STONE OR MAHOGANY
THAT'S WHY I'M IN SUCH EXQUISITE AGONY.
Lina: Heart of stone? He must be talking about you, Zel.
Zel: (shudders) Don't even joke about that.
MY SOUL IS ON FIRE, IT'S AFLAME WITH DESIRE
WHICH IS WHY I PERSPIRE WHEN WE TANGO.
(Xellos disappears again and quickly reappears. Instead of a heart he is now holding a pair of castanets. He then begins to play the castanets......badly!)
Gourry: Make him stop. Make him stoooooop!
(Amelia begins to mutter about the injustice of it all.)
YOU CAUGHT MY NOSE....IN YOUR LEFT CASTANET LOVE
I CAN FEEL THE PAIN YET LOVE, EVERY TIME I HEAR DRUMS.
AND I ENVY THE ROSE, THAT YOU HELD IN YOUR TEETH LOVE
WITH THE THORNS UNDERNEATH LOVE
STICKING INTO YOUR GUMS.
(Amelia blanches and starts looking a bit green in the face)
YOUR EYES CAST A SPELL THAT BEWITCHES
THE LAST TIME I NEEDED TWENTY STICHES
Xellos: (starts to remove pants) Wanna see the scar?
Xellos: (resumes singing)
TO SEW UP THE GASH YOU MADE WITH YOUR LASH
AS WE DANCED TO THE MASOCHISM TANGO.
(Everyone shakes their head in disbelief )
BASH IN MY BRAIN, MAKE ME SCREAM WITH PAIN
THEN KICK ME ONCE AGAIN
Lina, Filia, Zel: We'd be more than happy to.
AND SAY WE'LL NEVER PART.
Lina, Filia, Zel: Never mind.
I KNOW TOO WELL I'M UNDERNEATH YOUR SPELL SO
DARLING IF YOU SMELL SOMETHING BURNING ITS MY HEART.
Everyone: What heart?
(HICCUP) SCUSE ME.
TAKE YOUR CIGARETTE FROM ITS HOLDER
AND BURN YOUR INITIALS IN MY SHOULDER.
Zel: Cigarette? Maybe he's referring to Xelas?
(Xelas pops in from Wolf Pack Island and throws her cigarette holder at Zel, hitting him on the back of his head, and then disappears)
Zel: Or maybe not.
FRACTURE MY SPINE AND SWEAR THAT YOUR MINE
AS WE DANCE TO THE MASA (pause) CHISM TANGO!
(The music stops and Xellos takes a bow.)
Xellos: Well? What did you all think?
(Everyone is silent. Of course, Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis, Amelia, and Filia were the only ones still in the room. Everyone else had vacated the premises when Xellos had appeared with the heart.)
Amelia: That was very.....um.....interesting Xellos-san.
Zelgadis: (shaking his head) Fruitcake.
Lina: ............ (probably the first time in her life she has been speechless)
(Xellos disappears and reappears behind Filia.)
Xellos: (Whispering in Filia's ear) And what did you think Filia-chan? It's your opinion I really want.
Filia: What do you mean my....wait...you mean (blushes) I was the one you dedicated that...that...whatever to? (blushes deeper) You....you......NAMAGOMI!
(Filia grabs her mace from under her skirt and hits Xellos with it, knocking him across the room and into the wall.)
Xellos: Itai (He rubs the back of his head and then smiles his It's a secret smile) She liked it!
Ronni-chan: Well, I hoped you like the fic. I hope you liked the song too. I know I got a kick out of it.
Lina: Is this really considered music? (Looks at CD casing) I mean really..."The Time Warp"? What kind of song is that?
Ronni-chan: Um.....a weird one. I would really rather not go into details (shudders at distant memories).
Gourry: Can I see the CD?
Ronni-chan: (Hands CD to Gourry) Sure Gourry. These songs would probably be right up your alley.
Zel: (Holding up second CD....It's a two CD set) Hey Lina! I found a song that would be perfect for you and Gourry.
Lina: (Blushes) You....you did?
Zel: Yeah, its called "Eat It".
Ronni-chan: Aaahhh. Lina, you fried my CD. And it wasn't mine, it was my sister's. Oh, she is going to kill me.
Gourry: Hey everyone. Listen to the song I found (In a sing-songy type of voice) Fish heads fish heads, rolly polly fish heads, fish heads fish heads eat them up YUM!
Lina: You jellyfish brains (proceeds to beat Gourry into a fish head).
Ronni-chan: Uh, well I guess that's the end (Goes off to help Zel pry Lina off of Gourry).