It's not that I don't appreciate the gesture. I guess I just want something more from you that's all. I know you don't understand that, but I do. I wish I could explain it too you, but it's one of those things that you'll just have to figure out for yourself. If I did tell you, it wouldn't mean anything anyway, so why should I bother?
Maybe I shouldn't bother at all, with any of it. I mean, you don't seem inclined to do anything different. If you like things the way they are then you aren't going to change, not for me. I shouldn't expect you to, but I do. It's not right, but I can't stop it. I can't help feeling that I mean enough to you that you might remotely care about what I want. You don't though, do you?
That hurts, more than anything else in the world, because I care that much about you. It's silly, and I don't know when it happened, but it did and now I'm stuck with it. It feels good too, but right now, the pain is so bad I'm having a hard time remembering why I ever wanted this feeling in the first place. Why I wanted to put my own dreams on hold so that you could achieve yours. Why I wanted to learn more about the things that you loved so that I could understand you better. Why I've held on for this long when it was so brutally apparent that you would never do the same for me.
And now, the only solution I can see is to leave. You're here trying to stop me, telling me not to go, and it feels good, but it also makes the pain even worse. Your words ring hollow because you still don't understand, and I don't think that you ever will.
But it's really, really hard to tell you no. I want to stay, want to believe that you say these things because somewhere deep inside you care for me. It's wishful thinking, because you don't. You can't let yourself, or maybe you just never learned how to let another person get that close to your soul. Whatever it is, I know that you have not let go of it yet.
So I tell you no. And it hurts me as much as it hurts you, but I know that you can't see that. There is blame in your eyes, and anger. You are angry at me? Somehow, I think I should be the one that is angry at you.
But I'm not. I'm just disappointed. Well, that, and I'm annoyed with myself. This is my fault too, for not believing my intuition in the first place. It never pays to ignore such things, but I did, and now my inner voices are saying 'I told you so.'
All the same, I think I would do it again if I got the chance. I know that this felt good at some point, that it felt right before I started to need more than you could give. For that I would suffer through all this pain, and through this horrible parting.
I will come back. This isn't a forever good-bye. It should be, and my inner voices are telling me that too, but I can't bear the thought of never seeing you again. And besides, there is that little part of me that believes you will figure out why I had to go. That you will see what it is I can not tell you, and that you will understand when I return. Perhaps then I will be able to stay with you as you want now, only I will be able to stay in the manner I need and not in this painful sham.
Maybe it's foolish to think such things, but I do. I cannot help it. I love you, and in love there is always hope, no matter how misguided. So against all odds I hope that you will be here when I return, and that you will need me as I need you. That we will be together from then on, and that you will finally realise all the things I have been trying to show you. This, more than anything else in the universe is what I wish for, with all may heart. It is this wish that sustains me as I leave now, and it is this wish that will bring me back. Until then, I can say nothing else, except,
"Good-bye."