The wind blows softly outside the window of the inn, rustling the pane they way it also moves the branches. I can hear every sound it causes, hear the creaking of the glass, the shifting of the trees, I can even hear the discussions of the boisterous crowd carrying up the stairs from the dining room. All this I can hear, and it only serves to drive home the thought that has been pestering me for the past month. It is too quiet.
You'd think that I would cherish the silence, after all, I have precious few moments of it in my life. That was the reason I struck out on my own again, wasn't it? Yes, it was. Maybe they're right, you really should be careful what you wish for. I actually miss the noise. I miss the companionship. When did I start to need it? I always wanted to be alone.
No, that's not really true. I never wanted to be alone, I just couldn't stand to be with them and still be lonely. So here I am, alone and still lonely and the silence is starting to choke me. I feel like screaming, but I can't do that. I can't do that because it would only reinforce the silence once I stopped.
I am screwed up.
Perhaps going off by myself was a bad plan. At least when they're around me I don't have to listen to myself think. I have discovered that my single-minded nature goes far beyond my quest for my cure, it permeates my entire being and allows me to form other, obsessions. When it's this quiet, I can no longer ignore them. Especially since I have left one of those obsessions behind, and its absence, his absence, bothers me.
With all the strength that I have gained, I am still weak.
The wind screams, building outside the inn, tearing at the window, trying to enter the room. It is a sound, but not the ones that I wish to hear. More than any of the others, I want to hear a laughing voice, a teasing one, speaking of secrets that he will never tell, no matter how much I ask, no matter how much I threaten, because he enjoys it so much. He teases me, tortures me in a way, for his own amusement.
Sometimes I wonder if he does it for mine as well. What would I do without those distractions?
Well, obviously I will sit, listen to all the noises and berate myself for leaving him behind in the first place. It's not as if he travels with us all that often, I should have stayed. There was no pressing reason for me to go after all. Well, unless you count my obsession with him, which I did at the time but do not any longer.
I want to hear his voice, hear the sound of his cape flutter as he walks, the sound of his staff as it hits the ground in time to his steps, I even want to hear the sound of his breathing, faint though it is.
I am doomed in more ways than one it would appear.
The wind is pounding at my window now, almost as though it is deliberately trying to force its way in, but that isn't logical is it? Logical or not, that is exactly what happens as the glass shatters inward and the wind fills my chamber with an almost triumphant shriek.
"What the hell?" I draw my sword, not sure what to expect, and find myself frozen as that long-missed voice reaches my ears.
"You're very rude Zelgadiss-san, didn't you hear me knock?"
"Xellos?" I can't see him, but I can hear his voice in the wind around me. "Where are you?"
"Hear and there." He answers cheerfully. "I do believe I have made a mess of your room, sorry about that?"
"What do you want?" It wouldn't do to let him know how much I have missed his voice. There are some things even I will not do for an obsession.
"To check on you. I'm afraid Amelia-san was getting quiet worried about you."
"Hn. So they sent you?" I scoff. "Why?"
"Actually, I volunteered." The wind begins to calm itself, and now I can see him as his smiling form appears before my thirsty eyes as I drink in the sight of him as I have already drunk in the sound. "I should have realised you'd just be sitting somewhere moping, but I must admit I was hoping to find you doing something a little more interesting.
"Oh really?"
"Well, you are free to do whatever you want now you know."
"Am I." Whatever I want? Interesting, what do I want? Strange how that one simple question can bring such a flood of conflicting answers.
He gives me a quizzical look. "Well of course. You're off on your own, you don't have to listen to anyone else's orders, or worry about whatever trouble they bring with them."
"I only have to worry about the trouble I bring."
"Zelgadiss-san, are you feeling all right? You seem to be acting a bit strange."
"I think I may have been alone too long."
He laughs. "Strange, I've always thought that about you."
One month. It's only been one month and yet, something has changed. "Whatever I want." I mused allowed and he gives me that quizzical look again, coming forward as he pulls off a glove a presses his bare hand to my forehead.
"Hmm. I think you might actually have a fever, you feel hot."
He has no idea, as if I could be otherwise when I can now feel the softness of his skin against my own rough flesh. Where did all those conflicting emotions go? There only seems to be one left, and he is so very close to me. "Whatever I want."
"Zelgadiss-san?"
I catch his head while he is still giving me that confused, almost concerned look and press my lips against his, feeling the shock run through his entire body.
Apparently there aren't as many things I wouldn't do after all, that's nice to know.
His lips soften beneath mine and he opens his mouth with a low moan, I hadn't thought there was a sound I could desire more than that of his voice, but I have found one. I invade his mouth in an attempt to earn another and rejoice in my success. I chuckle lightly against his mouth and pull him closer, eager to learn what other sounds I can cause him to make. I have had enough of silence, tonight, I want to hear his every breath, every moan, ever demand. Fortunately, he isn't inclined to disappoint me, and I can hear nothing else but the sound of him.