There are times when the silence is unbearable. When I want to scream at the all for not noticing my pain, though I know why they can't. How could they? I hide it behind a smile and a secret; I don't ever let them close enough to see beneath the surface. Much as I want too, I cannot face that danger. Even now, it is a risk I dare not take.
I sigh and stare up at the stars, letting my mask fall away as I kick my feet lightly beneath the branch of the oak tree I am sitting in. The night is quiet around me, my companions are sleeping peacefully for once and it makes me wistful. Anyone observing our camp would believe that I had been set on watch, I wonder if I would wake them if someone attacked. Maybe, depending on who it was. No, that isn't right, I would probably wake them. Despite all my misgivings, these are the people I consider my friends, even if they do not consider me as such. They don't, no matter how much I wish they would.
Movement in the camp below catches my attention and I look down to see Zelgadiss stirring up the campfire. He watches the flames thoughtfully, looking remote, calm. He has changed so much in the last while, I don't think I've changed at all. I have to admit that I am a little jealous about that. Watching him now from this distance my loneliness seems enhanced, and I drop down from the tree to land beside him. He doesn't seem surprised. "What's the matter Zelgadiss-san? Can't sleep?"
"No." His eyes are a mystery tonight, I can't read him. "I was watching you."
I blink. "You were watching me?"
"Yes. You looked sad."
I have no answer to that. It's the truth, but I can't admit to it and I don't want to lie.
"You always seem to be hiding Xellos, what is hurting you?"
My mask crumbles under the weight of his soft words. "How did you...?"
He smiles slightly. "I hide too, or at least I did. Behind a scowl instead of a smile, but the principle is the same. I can sense that trick in others."
It's strange to have someone talk to me like this, like they care. I like it, but it scares me. "So you can see, so what?"
"I want to help Xellos."
"Why?"
He looks up at the moon briefly. "Maybe just to return the favour."
I fall silent for a moment and stare into the flames, trying to sort out my thoughts. I guess they're right, you should be careful what you wish for. He's seen my pain, now I have to discuss it. This was what I wanted though, isn't it? So why can't I find the words? Maybe I should just ask the question that I've been dying to ask for so long. "Do you consider me a friend Zelgadiss-san?" I hold my breath as I wait for the answer. I know I shouldn't care, that I shouldn't want his acceptance, but I do, I do.
"Yes, I do now."
His answer makes me happy, and I let out the breath I was holding, but there is still more that I need to know. "Aren't you afraid I'll betray you?"
He shrugs, "No more or less than anyone else. You're loyal in your own way, besides, at least I'd know you had a greater purpose. Most people will betray you for nothing."
That answer surprises me a little, but he seems serious. It makes me smile, a real smile for once. "You mean that Zel-kun?"
"Yes, I do."
How is it that a few words can ease my pain so easily? It doesn't seem reasonable, but... But this is what I was looking for, what I needed. I wanted someone to break the silence and tell me that I had been accepted. It seems trivial, but it isn't, somehow it is very important to hear those words. "Thank you Zel-kun."
"Are you all right now?"
"Yes, amazingly, I am."
"Good." He yawns briefly and then curls up beside the fire. "Oyasumi Xellos."
"Oyasumi nasai Zel-kun." He falls asleep quickly. I sit by the fire the rest of the night, maintaining the comforting blaze as I keep watch over the camp, over my friends.
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