Reflection AKA Kagaya


navy = inner blocked off thoughts to self

italic = open thoughts or telepath speech

red = speech both in and out of mind

The guilty one on the floor, hugging his knees to his chest, holding onto every last thought that belongs to him alone. More than two thousand years of burying himself, burying his face into his arms, vermilion locks hiding tears should they appear unbidden. Twenty two years of living, of slowly dying, with every breath he dragged into this body. The guilty one, now silent in voice but not in thought, still trying to let himself go.

Sitting beside you, resting my mind against yours. We're not touching, not holding, in room with no windows, just electric lights on a tall, tall ceiling. The bars are closed and I hear nothing. There's no escape for you until death, no hope of escape for me forever.

The silence here is so comforting.


The voices in the outside world. There're no thoughts here in this room but yours. I don't have to think about... anything. I don't have to listen. Just me and you, strangers and friends to each other who happen to work together. For now, like you, I only exist without questioning the worth of my existence.

"I exist to hurt God."

You exist for God; I, for myself. But I'm just running away from those voices, millions of them, billions. But, you know what? I'm lonely. He smiled to himself. I'm lonely.

"You chose to be."

I don't have a choice. Not for that. If I could choose, I'd go back to what I was.

"Before you became Schuldich."

Hearing this name, he turned his head, peeking through the curtain of his fringe. In the shadows was his companion, a child who sat with his arms wrapped tightly around his waist, held in place by a custom-fitted straight jacket.

"Jei..." the guilty one whispered finally.

Jei, the twenty years old child, lifted his bleach-stained hair and stared straight at the redhead with his one golden eye. "Jei's dead. There's only Farfarello."

Schuldich laughed, lowering his eyes before the other could see the sadness that passed through his cool jade orbs. "Dante's demon.

"Do you think you really are Farfarello? A character out of a book? I'll tell you. There's no Farfarello anywhere except in this hell that we're sitting in, and Farfarello isn't even his real name," a chuckle. "'Sides, Dante's Inferno is a little outdated, don't you think?"



"Have you ever been in Hell?"

Schuldich stood up and ran a hand through his flame-like hair as he stretched.

Every moment away from Him is Hell.

"You mean Crawford?"

Surprise passed through jade green eyes, lost from the scrutiny of one golden gaze. Schuldich spun around on his heals, red hair whipping in front of his eyes again with the momentum. He lifted a stray strand of red, twisting it between his fingers as a smirk cut across his face.

Trying to catch me out, are you? As far as I'm concerned, Hell is a state of being, not so much a place. He blew his hair out of his face again, irritated. Schuldich stepped in front of Jei, hands at his side as he bent forward. Looking down at him, the redhead added, "Crawford has nothing to do with Hell."

Jei cocked his head as he digested the words. "You're dodging the question."

Schuldich smiled levelly, but said nothing to justify himself. He gave Jei one last look goodbye before he walked to the door, picking up his army coat as he went.

"Why?" Jei's voice bounced off the walls of the cell.

You asked me that before. Why what?

"Why do you come to me and not to him?"

Schuldich slid his coat back on, pulling it up around himself as though he was cold.

Because I can't. Because He doesn't want me near Him unless it's utterly necessary. He doesn't want to see me.

All these truths and half-truths and lies; I speak, but speak in riddles. I lie to everyone, even to myself. His Prince of lies, whose only wish is to speak one truth.

I love You because You are everything to me. I hate You because of it.

"That's his loss." It was Jei's soft, Irish accent.

Schuldich gave a hollow laugh. If He'd see it your way...

"You're not alone."

Why? His eyes flashed in anger. The bitterness found it's way into his voice. Because God's supposed to be with us?

Jei remained silent.

There was no God with your family when you - when they died. How can God be with us?

"God was there. He was watching."

Is God watching now?


I don't believe in God.

"It hurts God to say so."

Schuldich looked back at the door. At least you're happy about that.

"I am."

Yes... Yes. I know you are. I know.

He looked down.

But do you think you can make God suffer, Jei? Do you really think what you're doing will amount to much in God's eyes?

Jei said nothing.

God doesn't spend all His time on one fallen child. There are too many to watch, who need Him, to hate Him, love Him, even to scorn Him. Do you think He even gives a damn about what one child thinks? Do you think you're making a difference?

A slave to the one who made me so long ago. Almost nothing's changed. Almost.

"You said you didn't believe in God, Schuldich."

It was the redhead's turn to stay silent.

"Yet you talk about God like you believe in Him, like you love Him." Jei pushed himself off the floor, pressing his back against the wall for support. "We're not talking about Crawford, are we? You were never talking about Crawford."

Goodbye, Jei.

"You talk like a hurt lover - "

Jei, I'm warning you -

" - still defending your beloved - "

- to shut the fuck up -

" - after all - "

- before you -

" - the pain - "

- piss me -

" - that He - "

- off.

" - has caused you."


A scream flared through the cell and across Jei's mind. Schuldich whirled around and rammed him into the wall with what seemed like warp speed and quadruple his normal strength. Maybe more.

Pain. It was real pain that ripped through his system when he had been numbed by it so long before. He could do nothing to defend himself with his hands tied up and useless in his restraints. In shock, Jei realized that he couldn't even control his movements and avoid whatever was hurting him.

But Jei doesn't feel pain. How can he feel so much? How can he feel it now?

Schuldich! Stop!!

A predatory gleam in those jade - no, gray - clear, crystal eyes. Hair that brushed and burned and cut into his aching flesh, like long, silver blades.

Who? Who are you?

Jei fell into unconsciousness out of the pain he wasn't supposed to feel.

Part 1   |   Fanfiction