Jerry Springer: Bizarre Love Triangles



Okay, yall all saw it coming. After surfing around the Japanese internet looking for those hard to find Weiss Kreuz sites (ah Surfers Paradise, how I love thee), I came across really odd pairings. I mean.... O.o*** Aya x Omi..?? Nagi x Crawford...?? Or even the cute, unseemingly popular, Yo-ken..!?!?!

And I just happened to be watching Jerry Springer at this point in time. So I decided to mock all the slash pairings in Weiss. ^^

Buuuuuttttttt..... I can't write a full fic about the boyz fighting over who screws what and takes advantage of whom, ya know? And I'm not really that creative anyway...

So there's this TV show on E!. Very good TV show. You can blame Seishira for getting me hooked on it. It's called.... Talk Soup.

Yep. A show dedicated to showing you the highlights and downfalls of all those talk shows that seem to contaminate American television.

Just so you Talk Soup buffs know, I can't stand that new host. His voice is really annoying to me. So John Henson is back. ^^ At least temporarily for this fic. Onto the show! ^^ Don't forget to mail, C&C are my bread and butter.

Please be kind. I suck at dialogues and I suck even more at humor...

Henson: (pic of Pen and Teller) (voice over) And tomorrow on Penn and Teller's Sin City, more freaky magic tricks that involve mutilations, near-death acts, and other all-around wholesome things for the entire family.

(cut to Henson, in all his full white-spotted glory!)

Henson: (serious face) Aya and Youji are lovers. Their racy relationship however, doesn't seem to be enough for the cool, seemingly emotionless Aya, who wants something a little more than just casual sex. As you'll see in this Springer clip, Aya isn't the only one running circles. (grins) Aya's the one with the blinding hair-do and Youji's the guy with the keen fashion sense.

(cut to Springer clip)

(Aya, dressed in a body-hugging black top and pressed khaki trousers, sits on the right side of the stage, and any unfortunate enough to stare at him directly gets slapped in the face by the color of his luridly red hair)

(Youji, dressed in black net long-sleeved top over a white tank top and some nut-crunching leather pants, sits to the left of the stage, sunglassed still perched on his nose)

Aya: (holding Youji's hand, looking at him) Youji, I like you very much.. and the sex is great, but.... I brought you here today cause... well.. I've been sleeping with someone else.

(audience hoots and oooooooo's)

Youji: (raises a fine brow) You mean you found someone better than me?

Aya: (shrugs) Certainly satisfies me in more way than one.

(audiences hoots)

Youji: (looks at Aya over the rims of his glasses) Is it that Sakura chick? Cause I mean, geez, she looks like such a frail thing to be in your kinda games.

Aya: (annoyed look, releases Youji's hand)

Springer: (coming down from audience) So, Aya, does he know who your other lover is?

Aya: (flat) Yeah.

Youji: Oh geez. (face in hands) It isn't...!

Springer: Let's bring him out!!

(audience boos and some cheers)

(Ken walks out from backstage, sporting a loose white shirt and some baggy corduroys)

Youji: (falls back in his chair laughing)

Ken: (sits in the empty chair next to Aya, grabbing his Aya's hand rather ah... possessively)

Springer: Welcome to the show, Ken. You're Aya's and Youji's partner in your secret organization dedicated to fighting the evils of the underworld, am I correct?

Ken: (charming smile) That's right.

Youji: (has slumped to the floor in hysterical laughter)

Springer: (scratches his head) So.. uh... what's so funny, Youji? I mean, your lover has just confessed to cheating on you with one of your closest friends. I don't see anything humorous about that.

Youji: (still laughing) Cause I've been cheating on Aya with him!

(audience hoots and cheers, with choruses of 'Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!' echoing through the studio)

Ken: Youji!

Aya: Ken!

Springer: What was that, Youji?

Youji: (manages to stop laughing and pull himself back into a dignified position in the chair) I've been sleeping with Ken behind Aya's back for the last three months.

(audience oooooo's)

Springer: Ah.. is this true, Ken?

Aya: (shooting Ken a Very Evil Look) It better not be.

Ken: (squirms under Aya's frying glare) (whiny) It was just an on-and-off fling, Aya-kun.....

(Aya yanks his hand from Ken's, folding his arms over his chest and pouting)

Springer: So.. I assume then that your relationship is off.

Aya: Yeah. At least Schrudich doesn't cheat on me.

(Ken and Youji both sweatdrop)

Springer: Schrudich..? I assume this is someone else...?

Aya: Yeah, that's right, Jerry! (jumps out of chair and jabs a finger at Youji and Ken) I've been cheating on both of you while you both were cheating on me!

(audience hoots 'Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!')

Youji: (lazily) With Schrudich?

Ken: (rubbing his chin) I thought he was with Crawford. They were making enough noise last night in the hotel room above me and Omi.

Aya and Youji: OMI!?

Springer: Well, let's meet this Omi! Bring him out!

(Talk Soup editors cut out some scenes)

(now on stage are Youji, Aya, and Ken.. but... there's also Omi, cuddling up to Youji; Nagi, glaring at both Youji and Aya; Crawford, glaring at Schrudich; and Schrudich looking very uncomfortable)

Springer: (takes off his glasses, and rubs his face, then puts them back on) Lemme get this straight. (points to Aya and Youji) You two were lovers. But.. he.. (points at Aya) cheated on you (points at Youji) with him. (points at Ken) And you (points at Youji) also cheated on Aya with Ken.

(the three nod)

Springer: And now... you (points at Ken) cheated on both Youji and Aya for her - (points at Omi)

Omi (annoyed look, interrupts) I'm a guy.

Springer: My apologies. On him. But.. he's (still pointing at Omi) cheats on Ken for you (points at Youji) and you (points at Aya) as well as you. (points at Nagi)

Aya: (snide, to Omi) Just get around, don't you?

Omi: (sticks out his tongue) Bite me.

Ken: (darkly, mutters) From what I've heard, he has. (pouts)

Springer: Anyway..... and let's see... (points at Nagi) You've also cheated on Omi with him. (points at Ken)

Nagi: (nods)

Youji: Geez, Ken, I still can't get over the fact that you're a pedophile.

Ken: (half-out of his seat) Look who's talking, Youji! I'd say that you're a child abuser with the way Omi's climbing all over you!

Springer: Hey, hey.... I'd say you all are a bunch of idiots!

(audience cheers)

Springer: But it doesn't just stop there. Aya, you've said that you've cheated on... everybody else... with him, (points at Schrudich) right?

Crawford: (smacks Schrudich) I can't believe you did that!

Schrudich: Oh, as if you haven't had a tumble with Aya once or twenty times.

Crawford: Oh come off it, you've been with everyone and their grandfather. Geez, did you sleep with Farfello too?

Schrudich: (voice raising a notch) Well wasn't it you I found having some rather omoshiroi fantasies of Naoe here!?

Crawford: If you'd PLEASE stay out of my THOUGHTS!!!

Ken: (glares at Aya) Crawford TOO!? What the hell!? Don't I do enough for you!? Next you'll say you've been with Persia!

Youji: (leans over) Actually, it was Takatori. Ah.. the Reiji one.

(dead silence hovers the stage suddenly)

(cut to John Henson)

Henson: (staring straight at the camera) .....

(laughter from the crew off-camera)

Henson: (to camera) Hey guys... if you're all sleeping with each other... (holds out hands, palms up, as if gaining divine inspiration)

(a holy stained glass window suddenly appears behind him)

Henson: Why don't you all just open a commune?

(laughter off-camera)

Henson: This has been another (screen cut) Moment of Clarity.

(cut back to Henson)

Henson: (looking off-camera) Commune. You know, like that Oneida thing, and free love.

(someone off-camera makes a note about 'mass orgy')

Henson: (still looking off-camera) But where's the suspense?

(that same someone replies about 'finding out who's gonna be on top')

Henson: (queasy grin) Oh get out of here man! Get out of here!

(Talk Soup music playing)

(cut to Jerry's mug in the upper right and the words Thursday scrawled on on the bottom)

Henson: (voice-over) (choking on his chuckling) I wonder how the cat escaped all their romping.... (some more chuckling) Thursday on Springer, alien-abducted cross-dressing lesbians and the squirrels who love them. Not a show to miss.

(cut to Henson)

Henson: Well, boys and girls, that this edition of Talk Soup. Be sure to tune in for our rad weekend edition where we highlight the creme de la creme of this week's shows. (laughs) Although I don't think I can sit through another edition of "Who Are You Sleeping With?" I'm your host, John Henson saying, 'Outta here'! (flings paper at camera and moves off-screen)

(cut to credits and the E! logo)

(no bishounen were screwed during the making of this fic)