Part One


May, 1989 - Berlin, Germany

He could hear them screaming at each other. Kneeling at the top of the stairs, his cheek pressed against the cold plaster, his brilliant green eyes watched the flickering shadows on the floor, cast there by the setting sun. Black against bloodstained white. He supposed the colors were accurate for this household but who was he to judge? He wasn't God. He'd given up on God long ago. He knelt, poised and ready to dash out the door the moment everything down there climaxed.

Watch me be the one to clean up the blood, he thought with a snort as he double checked on the cash in his pocket. He doubted they would miss it and if they did, who cared? He knew how he was going to spend it tonight.

"He's just the fucking same as you!" he heard his father yell. "What the hell did you teach slut?!"

"Teach him?!" his mother shrieked in her shrill voice. "Everything that you didn't!"

Oh, real smooth mom, he muttered. His long, slender fingers clutched the edge of the step as he lifted his head. There was an ache in the back of his head that was slowly growing and he had to get out of there before it got so bad that he began to hear the voices inside his head again. Nervously he clicked his lighter on and then let the button go. Come on, hurry up.

There was the sound of flesh hitting flesh and one of the shadows fell to the floor. "Don't you fucking dare back talk me woman!" his father roared.

"What does it matter what I do? Huh? You run to our son's bed when I'm perfectly willing to - "

Another slap; this one louder than before. "You? Willing? Don't make me laugh." Another hit and he heard his mother whimper.

There, he thought. Time to go.

He propelled himself down the stairs as fast as he could, long legs taking the steps two at a time. He was throwing open the door when he heard his father scream at him.

"Christian? Is that you? Where the fuck do you think you're going? Get your ass back in here immediately!"

"Fich dich!" he threw over his shoulder savagely as he raced down the walkway with his mother's laughter ringing in his ears. He ran through the crowded streets until he couldn't breathe and finally collapsed against a light post, gasping for breath. There were so many people out tonight and their thoughts were banging against his own, causing the world to tilt out of focus.

Dragging in a deep breath he straightened up and forced his mind blank. All he wanted right now was a hit to shut everything out. He didn't care about the impending unification of Germany, didn't care about the politics involved. All he wanted was a mind to himself, which was something he hadn't had in years. Brushing his red hair out of his eyes, he stumbled forward, letting his feet take him to his salvation while his mind curled in on itself. Memory brought him to the doors to the underground rave and he paid his way in, the bouncer barely acknowledging him. They never harassed regulars.

Loud trance music beat against his body, the noise deafening. He welcomed it, let it wash over him. This was a different crowd in here. Within these walls he could breathe, he could have space all to himself in the chaos that was his mind.

An arm slid around his waist and warm breath gusted over his ear. "Hello, Schuldich."

He turned in the embrace, turning his face into the hand that traced his jaw bone. "Hello, Liebe."

Here on the street, in a place like this, no one used their real name. That meant giving yourself up; that meant submitting. People had you if they had your real name. He never wanted that to happen. The girl that stood against him looked up into his face and frowned. "You look like shit."

He gave her a brittle smile. "Among other things."

"That jackass of a father of yours was at you again, wasn't he? No, don't answer. I can already see that he was. It's written all over your eyes." She tilted her head and stood on tiptoe, pressing her cheek to his, blond hair mingling with red. "Want to forget?" she whispered into his ear.

"Why do you think I came?"

She pulled back and smirked at him as she withdrew a white tablet from her bra, pressing it to his lips. He opened his mouth and swallowed it, his tongue swirling around her fingers. "That should help until we can find a supplier," Liebe told him. "Come on. Let's dance."

She pulled him into the sea of moving bodies, pressing close to him. He swallowed against the last lingering taste of E and closed his eyes against the ghostly lit faces, the strobe lights, the darkness, and let himself go. His headache was receding slightly but not all the way. It wouldn't disappear until he shot up and even then the silence wouldn't last long enough. With a sigh he felt lips track up his neck, melding with his. He kissed Liebe fiercely, moving his body to hers.

She was his friend on these nights. She'd been his friend since he was nine and he was twelve now. She was fourteen and pretty, with a sweet smile beneath dead eyes. She was a prostitute by night, a student by day. At least, he supposed she was. Who knew? He certainly didn't and he didn't care. She could help him forget. She could make the silence come and that was all that mattered. Lips parting he felt her guide him through the crowd of people who were dying just like they were.

It could have been minutes later or hours, he didn't know. But suddenly she rocked to a halt and he opened his eyes. Here, she mouthed, tugging him out of the crowd to one of the tables that hugged the back walls. A dark haired youth lounged on a sofa smoking a joint that was being passed around a group of people. He looked up and smiled when he spotted them.

"Well if it isn't my two favorite customers," he said in a silky voice.

"Wraith," Liebe said as she bent over him and pressed her mouth to his, giving him a sloppy kiss. "How much?"

"Depends on what you want," he replied as she straightened up, eyeing Schuldich.

"I want to forget," Schuldich told him as Wraith reached out for him and snagged his wrist, pulling him forward. "I want to go deaf."

The older youth chuckled and pulled the red head onto his lap. "Again? I doubt you stole enough for the shoot you want. You willing to trick for the rest?"

"Anything," Schuldich whispered as Wraith worked his hand down his pants. He sucked in a sharp breath as warm fingers wrapped around him and stroked him.

Dry lips touched the skin over the pulse in his neck. "Sweet. You want it that badly, I've got customers for you."

Liebe threaded her fingers through Schuldich's thick red hair. "Schuldich? You all right with the price?"

He nodded, squirming in Wraith's lap. "Ich mache mir ein dreck daraus. Just give me the fucking needle."

Wraith grinned against his neck and removed his hand, pulling the money from his pocket before letting him go. "If you insist."

He gestured for one of the guys closest to him and the youth got to his feet, returning a couple minutes later with a syringe and tourniquet. Liebe took it and rolled up Schuldich's sleeve, tying the rubber around his arm. He made a fist and continued to make a fist until a vein showed beneath his pale skin, bringing out the needle tracks along his arm. Four years worth of searching for a lasting silence that he had yet to find.

Wraith turned his face to him and he kissed the dark haired youth as Liebe shot him up, pumping the heroin into his body. He sighed against Wraith's mouth as Liebe undid the tourniquet and rolled his sleeve back down. Giving his head one last pat she walked away. He doubted he'd see her until the next time he came. She had a pimp to trick for, after all, just like he had an addiction to fuck for. Smiling against Wraith's lips he felt the voices inside his head die down.

Peace and quiet, he thought to himself giddily as Wraith drew him to his feet. Doesn't matter what happens. So long as I don't hear anything, it'll be all right.

"I wonder if you'll fall one of these days like the Berlin Wall will," Wraith murmured into his ear as he handed the younger boy to another man and took the cash that was offered. "I wonder if you'll survive. I wonder if you'll even care."

Schuldich wanted to answer but right about then the heroin in his body began to kick in and he lost himself in the wonderful silence the drug brought. Let them do whatever they wanted with his body. He was alone inside his head and that was all that he wanted.

Part 2   |   Fanfiction