Magical Slayers Theatre 3000: Freed -- Harem Style

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Notes: navy = the document to be MiSTed.

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(zone in on Satellite of Love)

Zel: What the hell are we doing here?!?!

Suboshi: (squishes face against port window, watches rocks move by) Torment from god?

Duo: (pokes some buttons) More like the bowels of hell.

Val: (looking up at a BIG screen) I'd say. What's this? (points up)

Zel: (looks up and up and up) I don't want to know.

(Sudden pic of Steph appears on screen)

Steph: Guess what?!?!!

Xel: Uh, I venture to speak here. What? ^_^

Steph: You guys are gonna MST a MST!

All: ...... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Steph: (squeaks out ears) Ow ... it's not that bad.

All: YES IT IS!

Steph: =P Cope. (disappears)

Zel: (flat) Tom, Mike, and Crow must be rolling over in their graves.

Duo: They aren't dead, they just went on to better things.

Suboshi: The Satellite of Love with Cruise Control.

Zel: ........................... oh. We're they're replacement in hell.

Duo: Bingo.

(A pocket dimension, which basically consists of those weird backgrounds that appear from time to time during dramatic shots. Elizabeth sits before a keyboard and a disgustingly large -- wide-screen tv large -- monitor, tweaking the layout of slayfic.html for the umpteenth time.)

Duo: I know, why don't we just get up and walk out while we still can ...

Suboshi: And while her back is turned.

ZEL: For someone whose writing is mediocre at best, you certainly spend a lot of time playing around with how you present it.

Xel: (waves hand) Ooo! OOoo! Santa! I want a new rack, and a new whip, and -- ^_^

Zel: ::bland, to Xel:: And something to gag you with.

(Elizabeth whirls around to find Zelgadiss and Lina looking at her, both with their arms crossed rather menacingly in front of their chests.)

ELIZABETH: Hi, Lina. Hi, Zel-kun. What're you two doing here?

Zel: What else? Trying to find an exit.

ZEL: Revenge.

Duo: Yeah, that works too.

Suboshi: I don't suppose we could get in on it?

ELIZABETH: Come again?

Xel: ^_^ I don't think you want me to ... (gets gagged by Zel)

LINA: Revenge.

Duo: There's that word we love again.

For how you mistreat Zel. You haven't been

Xel: Sadistic enough. ^_^

WHAP

particularly nice to me of late, either.

ELIZABETH: Is it my fault my sadistic side's been dominant recently?

Duo: (shakes head) Nooooo ... It's your fault we're here.

Suboshi: Your fault the earth will plunge into the sun ...

Zel: Ending the world ...

Val: And our torment.

LINA & ZEL: Yes.

Xel: Yes, you'll become my willing love slaves? ^_^

Zel: More like yes, we'll kill you.

ELIZABETH: (frowns) So...revenge.

Duo: The word .... Ooooooooo ..... *-*

Zel: Alright, I think you can get off it now.

How?

Xel: How else? ^_^

Duo: How what?

Suboshi: How come?

Val: (fiddling with buttons) How do ya get this thing ta turn off?

(Lina motions for Elizabeth to vacate her seat. The Trickster Priestess obliges, and Zel takes her spot. He types something, and an old email comes up:)

Subj: [slayfic] Freed (1/1) [dark]
Date: 1/31/99 9:15:59 PM Central Standard Time
From: NuitCoeur@aol.com
To: zellinaxeros@listbot.com

Zel: zellinaxeros@listbot.com = neurosis from hell.

Duo: For you maybe, they haven't touched us.

Val: Not that we're complaining, mind you.

LINA: We're going to tell you just what we think of this story.

ELIZABETH:....oboy.

Duo: Oboise chips?

Suboshi: Boys and berries pie?

Xel: Oh boy I'm gonna get a hot date? ^_^

Slayers Fanatics! -- http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Gulf/4007/index.html

Zel: Well, that's our cue to leave. See ya. (gets up, attempts to walk out, but can't) Darn.

LINA: This was the cue for the reader to forget the rest of the email and go read some good stuff at Sarah's page.

Just felt I should mention: I make use of

Xel: My ability to strip dance in technicolor. ^_^

a very lame plot device in this story

LINA: Like this is something new?

Val: No, it's old.

Duo: As in we must suspend disbelief to keep watching without gagging.

Suboshi: You're doing that too?

(you'll know it when you see it), so please REALLY suspend

Xel: Your underwear from the ceiling. ^_^

your disbelief.

ZEL: Again, like this is new?

__________
Freed

Zel: From this fic? ALRIGHT!

Val: No such luck.

Zel: Darn.

I hate her.

Duo: Don't we all.

Suboshi: Who would have known the writer could actually feel out pain?

Zel: She can't, she's just taunting us.

Duo: Oh.

Suboshi: I hate her.

ZEL: That pretty much sums up how I feel about Metallium.

ELIZABETH: I love you, too, Stone Boy.

Xel: So do I. ^_^

Val: WHAT!?!? (bashes Xel, yelling at him)

It's not as if I want to hate her,

Xel: It's just that I want to rip out her eyes and feed them to her. ^_^

(everyone gives Xel a strange look and scoots away)

but someone has to. Everyone else loves her. Gourry-san, Xelloss-san, even Zelgadiss-san.

Especially Zelgadiss-san.

Duo: Especially this can of OFF.

Zel: Does it work?

Duo: We can only hope.

ELIZABETH: What, no cute remark, Zel-kun?

Xel: He may not have a cute remark, but he sure has a cute butt. ^_^

(Xel is doused with lighter fluid and set alight by Zel)

ZEL: (blushing) ....

Zel: (beating)

ELIZABETH: (smirks) Thought so.

Zel: I THINK NOT! I have plenty to say, I just choose not to say it.

Val: No, you choose to kill it. (gestures to Xel)

She does it on purpose, I'm sure

Xel: (as Amelia) She's the one who's putting jello in my bra. ^_^

Duo: (raises eyebrow) You wear a bra?

Xel: Yeah, wanna see? ^_^

Duo: Ahhhhh ............ No.

of it. Teasing them, dangling them like puppets, keeping anyone else from having a chance. Like she keeps Gourry-san from poor Sheifyl-san.

LINA: Nice fragments there.

ELIZABETH: Okay, I have bad sentence structure, I admit it!

Val: And bad story line ...

Suboshi: Prose ...

Zel: Plot ....

Duo: Point ....

LINA: And bad spelling.

ZEL: And bad grammer.

Duo: Seems they had the same brilliant thought patterns as us.

Suboshi: Hard to believe, but true.

LINA: And --

Duo: (as Lina) I'm madly in love with you, but I just can't admit it!

Zel: (to self) Don't I wish.

Val: What was that?

Zel: (waves hands) Nothing!

ELIZABETH: All right, already!

Xel: It's time to rumble! ^_^

Duo: I got the chips!

Suboshi: I got the Coke(tm)!

Like she keeps Zelgadiss-san from me.

Duo: Actually, I think she's letting him borrow her OFF.

Zel: Anything that'll keep her away, man.

LINA: Pshaw, like Amelia could ever get Zel in the first place.

Xel: (as Lina) If I can't have him, no one can! ^_^

Zel: That sounds vaguely familiar.

Xel: I borrowed it from "Itooshii".

Zel: Thought so.

ELIZABETH: (terribly depressed) I dunno. TPTB seem

Zel: -s to think she should die!

Duo: Feeling vengeful?

Zel: Hell yes!

Duo&Suboshi: (scoot away)

to think they make a good couple.

(All three make disgusted gagging sounds, for once in total agreement.)

Like right now: she and Gourry-san and Zelgadiss-san are close to the fire, speaking about something I can't quite catch.

Xel: Verbal sex. ^_^ Ya know, as in "verbal", as in "oral"?

Zel: -_- You are never reading the MST of the Starr Report ever again. You hear me? N-E-V-E-R.

Duo: Praise the Lord.

Suboshi: Hallejuah!

Xel: Awwwwww ... ^_^

They don't even seem to notice I'm gone.

Zel: And do you know why that is? Hmmmm?

Xel: You three were too busy assauging your lusts. ^_^

WHAM!

Duo: (to pancake Xel) You are like, so gross, you know?

Suboshi: (to pancake Xel) Yeah, don't even go there.

LINA: Of course we did, and we were enjoying every second of it.

Zel: (dreamily) Were we ever ...

All: WHAT?!?!?!

Zel: (blushing like spotlight) Did I say that out loud?

Val: (steam coming out of ears, jumps Zel) You're mine! Hear me! MINE!!!!!!!

(Zel and Val fight)

Xel: I'd say Horny Boy is jealous. ^_^

(Xel gets beaned with a crowbar from the dustcloud fight)

Xel: And I'd say that that remark just proves my verbal theory. ^_^

This isn't the first time this has happened. For a long time, I had no idea why Zelgadiss-san and Gourry-san could be so unkind.

Xel: I do, it's the OFF at work. You just think they're mean. ^_^

Duo: And if what Xellos keeps talking about is true, it's because they didn't want to do the verbal thing with you.

WHAM!

Duo: Owwwww .....

Zel: (dusts off hands)

ZEL: Perhaps because you're annoying, clingy, and obsessive?

I finally figured it out, though. Lina has bewitched them.

Duo: (as Lina) I am the witch! The witch, I tell you! And why is everyone laughing?

Zel: (snickering) Oh, no reason.

LINA: Bewitched, huh?

ZEL: That would be the lame plot device, ne?

ELIZABETH: Yeah, yeah. Leave me alone.

Zel: We'd love to, but someone barricaded the door and tied us to our chairs.

All: (glaring at Xel tying himself to the screen)

Xel: (innocent) What?

I knew she was greedy and selfish,

Xel: (as Amelia) And sexy in that lacy lingerie ... Rrrorw! ^_^

Duo: That's just plain sick! Sick I tell you!

Suboshi: (pondering all that is ponderable in the universe) Well ... if the yaoi stuff isn't sick ... (gestures to the Val and Zel, who have made up, and are now making out) ...

Duo: Just don't go there.

Xel: (looking at the two and drooling a little) Actually, I wouldn't mind going on over there ... ^_^

Duo: (to Suboshi) -_- Besides, I was talking about Xel, not Amelia and Lina.

Suboshi: Ohhhh ... that's okay then.

LINA: Hey! (moves to bonk Elizabeth on the head, but the Trickster Priestess manages to dodge)

but it was still a shock to realise she was also manipulative and evil.

Xel: I'm offended, only I have such sterling qualities. No mortal can hope to attain such perfection. ^_^

(everyone scoots over again)

ELIZABETH: Not that there's anything wrong with that,

Duo: It's just so cliched and over-used.

Xel: (pout)

as far as I'm concerned...

Xel: Nudity should be legal. ^_^

(Lina and Zel share a "gods-she's-scary" look.)

An enemy to Justice.

Suboshi: Aren't we all?

Duo: No ... we're just HER enemies.

Suboshi: Same difference.

Duo: Shut up and pass me the OFF.

ZEL: Amelia mentions justice. Cliche number one.

Duo: I thought a cliche was a type of accessory, not a number.

Suboshi: No ... that's atache.

Duo: Atache's are what you put on email.

Suboshi: No, those are attachments.

Duo: Attachments are people you like.

Suboshi: Those are lovers.

Duo: (realization dawns) Ohhhhh ... like them. (gestures at two)

Subsohi: (nods)

Duo: Cliches are lovers.

Suboshi: (lost thread of converation) Um ... yeah.

Duo: Ok!

Xel: (having watched all this) ^_^**********

It is my duty to end this wickedness, to free Zelgadiss-san -- and Gourry-san and Xelloss-san, too -- from Lina's evil magicks. I am nothing if not true to Justice.

Val: And if she keeps it up, we'll be true ta our barf bags.

LINA: Amelia acts all infatuated with Zel. Cliche number two.

Duo: Hmmm ... lover again ...

Suboshi: Well, she was talking about Zel, who she's in love with.

Duo: Notch. We have one relevent comment.

Suboshi: Probably the only relevent comment.

There is a lull in the conversation.

Duo: (as Gourry) Duh, duh, duh .... (goofy stupid look)

Suboshi: (as Lina) (beats Gourry)

Zel: -_- There's a lull in the flow of blood to their brains.

LINA: As in, Elizabeth couldn't think of anything more to write, and needed a quick transition to the next bit.

ELIZABETH:....

Xel: How many dots does it take to get to the stupid center of a ficcie author? ^_^

Zel: 3?

Duo: 2?

Suboshi: 4?

Val: 1?

Xel: None. We're already there. ^_^

Now is the time.

Xel: For a commercial! ^_^

Duo: For more OFF!

Suboshi: For the airlock to open and suck us to our doom!

(silence)

Duo: Please?

Val: We beg you!

ZEL: Carpe diem.

ELIZABETH: Carpe noctum.

LINA: Carpe carp. And tuna and bass and...

Suboshi: One more carpe and I start screaming.

Duo: Catch your fish and then you must eat them.

Zel: That made absolutely no sense.

Duo: Wasn't supposed to.

"Lina-san?" I call, and she looks over at me. "Can I talk to you for a moment?"

Xel: I have this nasty itch right here .... ^_^

"Sure," she replies with a shrug. So certain no one will ever figure her out.

Zel: Probably the only thing you can figure out ... wait, what am I talking about?!?!?

Xel: It's a mystery to us all. ^_^

But I have ...

Zel: No brain cells!

Duo: Kinda like us.

Suboshi: Yeah, I can feel them dying as we watch this.

Zel: (glares at Xel) And that won't be the only thing dying by the end of this ...

LINA: Have not! I'm inexplicable.

ZEL: (smiles) That's for certain.

Xel: No, no, that's the choice FOR curtains. ^_^

"Alone," I add, when she makes no move to join me. "It's girl stuff."

All: Oh ..... girl stuff.

(Zel blushes.)

LINA: "That time of the month." Cliche number three.

Duo: There they go with the lover thing again! This fic makes absolutely no sense!

Zel: .....

Gourry-san makes a face, and Zelgadiss-san blushes a little. I smile

Xel: (as Amelia) the smile I smile when I'm about to kill someone, drink their blood, and suck out their brains!

Zel: (dry) Wadda ya know? Amelia's hidden side.

Val: More like the fruitcake's hidden side.

Zel: No, because we really don't want to see his hidden side.

Xel: (moons 'em) ^_^

All: (scream)

Zel: See?

Val: Actually, I can't see. The sight burned out my eyeballs.

; soon my friends will be freed.

Duo: Too bad we won't be.

Suboshi: I think we need more OFF, this can isn't working too well.

ELIZABETH: Yeah, when you die!

Xel: Die? Us? ^_^

Val: If only the Fates were so kind.

Lina hops up and joins me at the edge of the clearing where we've set up camp. "What is it?" she askes, with obviously fake kindness.

LINA: FAKE? Why that --

Xel: Yeah. F-A-K-E. As in your magic, your hair color, those contacts your wearing, the fake gold ... ^_^

Zel: (looks at him funny)

ZEL: Calm down, Lina. It's just a story.

Zel: If only. For us it had become our torment.

Xel: Feeling stessed? I can help. ^_^

Zel: (glare) NO thank you.

LINA: (sighs) Hai.

Duo: Well, Hello to you too, gorgeous. ^_~

Suboshi: (grumbles) That was so pathetic.

I shake my head; we're still too close to the others.

Xel: (as Amelia) If we're going to have mad, passionate love, I want to have some more room. ^_^

SMACK

ZEL: You do like semi-colons, don't you?

Xel: Actually, I like semi-colors. Like semi-blue, semi-purple, semi-red, semi-black ... ^_^

LINA: She must; she uses them all the time.

Xel: Like bras. ^_^

All: ...

ZEL: This is true; indeed, most of her stories have semicolons used thusly.

ELIZABETH: What's wrong with liking semi-colons? Semi-colons are spiff!

(Zel mouths "spiff" with a perplexed expression.)

Xel: Better than stiff. ^_~ (wink, nudge, grin)

I walk

Suboshi: -- straight into the gaping maw of a huge monster, who chews you up, eats you, and ends this fic and our torment. Bye!

(Suboshi recieves funny looks as everyone scoots over a bit)

into the forest, and she follows,

Xel: To her doom. ^_^

calling after me in confusion.

Zel: Unlike yourself, who's just plain old confused.

Val: In the head.

I hate her.

Duo: I believe we have already established that fact and found that we agree.

All: ...

LINA: You're repeating yourself.

ELIZABETH: I know! It's on purpose. A literary device, even.

(Lina rolls her eyes.)

Xel: And I want her to roll a few other things, but alas, it was not to be. ^_^

WHAM!

Once we're sufficiently deep enough into the woods, I stop. Lina catches up, and glares. I smile at her.

Xel: Then I rip out her throat. ^_^

All: O.o

Xel: What?! It's what I would do. ^_^

All: ......

"What's this all about?" she asks again, genuine impatience overshadowing

Xel: Pure animal lust. ^_^

Zel: Okay, that's enough of you and your sick humor. -_-

the faux kindness in her tone.

LINA: How DARE she imply I'm acting -

ELIZABETH: Oh, like you never pretend to be at least civil when you want to

Xel: Strip-tease and do the fan -- (Zel clamps hand over his mouth) ^_^

Dragu Slave her butt back to Sailoon?

Xel: I could teach Lina to do a few other things with one's butt. ^_^

LINA: ... point taken.

Xel: Not like I'd like to take you. ^_~

(Zel slams Xel into the floor and sets him on fire again)

"What do you know about bewitchments, Lina-san?"

Zel: (to self) More than you might think ...

ZEL: The Lame Plot Device Strikes Back.

Duo: "Lame Plot Device: The Sequel".

Suboshi: "Lame-o Part Three: Doom to the Readers".

I'm rather dissapointed when she looks only confused, not worried. Oh, well, I suppose she's had plenty of practice feigning innocence.

LINA: And "rather." What's with that?

ZEL: You use it rather frequently.

Duo: Kinda like OFF.

Zel: WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THE OFF?!?!

Duo: Didn't you know? It's our running gag.

Suboshi: (pointing to running OFF) See, there it goes!

Zel: ..... Oh.

LINA: It sounds rather stuffy.

ELIZABETH: Suffit!

Zel: (to Xel as he opens his mouth) Don't even go there.

Xel: Awwwww .... ^_^

(Lina and Zel trade grins.)

Xel: And that's not all they've been trading. ^_~ I know, I have video tapes. ^_^

Zel: YOU HAVE WHAT?!?!?!

Val: (beats on Zel again) MORE LIKE, YOU DID WHAT!?!?! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU YOU WERE MINE!

"Why?"

Duo: Why are we here?

Suboshi: Why are we still alive?

Zel: And further more, what is the purpose of life?

Val: What is the funny purple goo sticking to the seats?

All: (look down) Ewwwww ....

LINA:...did you subject your fellow listians to this story?

Duo: Why is Steph subjecting US to it?!?!

Suboshi: She found out about the toaster.

Duo: Damn.

"I just...need to know," I hedge. Just prove your knowledge, curse you!

"Well, there are minor bewitchments, which can be undone by

Xel: A whip and several hours of kinky activities involving three females, two males, a black dress, silk, whipped cream, and a high-heeled shoe. ^_^

All: ....

any high-level cure spell. Then there are major bewitchments, which can be undone only by the caster."

ZEL: A principle makes an expository speech. Cliche number four.

Suboshi: Again with the lovers!

Duo: This fic is just steeped in sick sexual inuendo and depravity.

Xel: Don't ya just love it? ^_^

"Or the caster's death?"

Now she looks suspicious. That's all right, it won't be long now.

Xel: (dark look) No, my pretty, not long at all. ^_^

All: (scoot away from the psycho)

LINA: There's yet another phrase you use a lot.

ZEL: Such as in Love-in-Idleness.

Xel: Love in Idleness? Sounds good to me. ^_^

(Elizabeth shrugs: 'whatever'.)

"Yeah, or the caster's death or incapacitation, which disrupts the enchantment. Now tell me: why do you -- "

Xel: Have that whip and rope in your hands? ^_~

Val: Huh?

Xel: I didn't mean you. ^_^

Val: Good. (goes back to stalking Zel)

Duo: I didn't know they were into that.

Xel: You do now. ^_^

Zel: (teams up with Val and ties Xel up, uses whip to tie the bundle to the ceiling and let the fruitcake hang)

Duo: Looks like they're not.

Xel: Guess not ... darn. ^_^

We've been standing close to each other. It is a simple matter to move forward, draw my dagger, and sheath it in her stomach.

Xel: (gettin' off on the pain thing) That's not the only thing that needs to be sheathed ... ^_^

Zel: I should hit you for that.

Xel: Mmmmmm ... (climbs in Zel's lap) Promise? ^_~

Zel: (drops him on the floor and steps on him) Hentai.

Xel: ^_^

Zel: How'd you get out of your bonds anyway?

Xel: That is a secret. ^_^

Zel: Figures.

She screams, but I'm not worried. Zelgadiss-san and Gourry-san will be glad I've freed them.

LINA: Can we say "delusional"?

ZEL & ELIZABETH: Delusional.

LINA: I knew that you could.

Duo: That's because anybody could!

Her blood is warm and sticky and thicker than I expected. There is so much...!

Duo: (flipping through the The Almighty Book of Anime Laws) Anime Law 18 -- Law of Hemoglobin Capacity: The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.

Suboshi: You'd think they'd teach that stuff in schools, but nooooooo.

ZEL: Just how do you know so much about blood, Metallium?

ELIZABETH: That is a secret. (ducks Lina's punch)

Suboshi: All things considered, do we really want to know?

All: (look at each other then shake heads) Nah.

How dare she give me that look of betrayal! It was she who betrayed me, laughing in secret at all I stand for, and stealing away Zelgadiss-san!

Xel: (looking over at Val sitting in Zel's lap) Doesn't look like it's all that hard. ^_^

Duo: If you're not a psychopathic justice freak.

ZEL: Tsk, you failed to use parallel structure.

Duo: You've failed to use a plot.

(Ellizabeth grumbles.)

There is a rustling sound, and Zelgadiss-san reaches

Xel: The point of -- (gets gagged by Zel)

Zel: Don't even think it.

us. Well, that makes sense, since being a Chimera makes him very swift.

Zel: (glares at the gagged Xel) Don't even think that either.

LINA: And Amelia is very swift, too.

ZEL: Yes, wonderful grasp of the obvious she has.

He must want to thank me.

ZEL: HA!

Suboshi: (flipping through dictionary) Was that a "HA", a "Ha", a "hA", or a "ha"?

Zel: And the point of this question is ... ?

Suboshi: I forget. (tosses away dictionary)

Zel: -_-

Why are his eyes widening like that? Why is he looking at me with the same betrayal I saw in Lina's eyes?

Why is he looking at me with hatred?

Xel: Actually, this is a common phenonemom of the human race when confronted with beings like you. ^_^

Duo: What about with Mazoku?

Xel: Oh, that. We like to anihilate them on sight. ^_^

Suboshi: Sounds like a plan to me.

ELIZABETH: Possibly because...he does hate you?

Val: Don't we all?

Zel: Yes, but we hate this fic more.

All: (nod)

"What have you done?" I never realised how frightening Zelgadiss-san can sound. Why is he so upset?

ELIZABETH: Trying to kill the person a guy loves tends to make that guy upset.

(Zel blushes a little at the implication of Elizabeth's remark.)

"I freed you!"

Duo: The only way we would be glad is if that were true and we really were freed.

I try to explain. "Lina had you and Gourry-san and Xelloss-san bewitched!"

LINA: The Return of the Lame Plot Device.

ELIZABETH: Enough with the plays on Star Wars movie titles!

His eyes narrow, and he pushes me away from Lina, hard. I don't understand. He should be happy!

Xel: No, he's unhappy because he wanted to be the one to kill her. ^_^

Zel: Sick, you fruitcake, that is just sick.

ZEL: I reiterate: HA!

He shouldn't be cradling that -- that evil enchantress in his arms like that!

Xel: How should he be cradling her? ^_^

Val: (glares at Zel, who whistles innocently)

LINA: "Evil enchantress?"...well, that does sound much better than Dragon Spooker. I like it.

Zel: (wink) So do I.

WHAM!

Val: YOU ARE MINE!

Duo and Suboshi: O.O

Xel: Dragons are very possesive and very jealous over what they consider to be theirs. ^_^

Duo: That explains alot.

Suboshi: Does it ever.

He's trying to stop the blood flow. Why? Isn't he glad to be free?

ZEL: I'd be glad if I was free of Amelia.

Zel: Personally, I'd just be glad to be free of this fic, this room, and Xellos.

All 'cept Xel: Hear, hear!

Xel: (fake tears) You don't like me? WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (^_^) <-- tears

WHAM!

Gourry-san has arrived now. He looks totally shocked.

Xel: Shocked! Shocked am I! ^_^

Zel: At the dark tangent this fic is on?

Xel: No, that no one's done anything sadistic, sexual, or profanic yet. ^_^

Zel: ...

LINA: (sardonic) Gee, fancy that.

Xel: (looks up from his decorating of the room, whining) I'm trying! ^_^

All: (steaming and covered in streamers, bows, and all in drag) XELLOS!!!!!!

"Keep her -- " Zegadiss-san jerks his head in my direction, " -- away from Lina. Make sure she can do no more harm."

Now Gourry-san has that look of betrayal! Why can't he and Zelgadiss-san understand?

Zel: Can we sense animosity here?

Duo: Too bad she seems to be immune to it.

Zel: I'll specify, are we feeling enimosity?

All: (raise hands)

ELIZABETH: Poor insane thing.

Duo: Poor? I thought she was a princess.

Suboshi: A rich princess.

She's really lost it.

Suboshi: Oh, that explains it.

Duo: If she lost it ...

Lina is still concious. She's casting a healing spell, with Zelgadiss-san feeding her power.

ELIZABETH: Ah...oh, nevermind.

Zel: (to Xel) You too, fruitcake.

Xel: Aww, you spoil all my fun. ^_^

ZEL: Hentai.

(Elizabeth grins.)

Xel: (grins)

No! The bewitcher still lives! But I must've broken the enchantment, she was certainly incapacitated...so why aren't Zelgadiss-san and Gourry-san thanking me, instead of tending to Lina?

ELIZABETH: Maybe because...they LOVE LINA?

ZEL: Which she seemed to understand at the beginning of this peice.

Duo: Ya know, this is beginning to make sense ...

Suboshi: Which means we've been in here way too long ...

Val: So it's time to leave.

Zel: Too bad the doors are welded shut.

Duo, Suboshi, and Val: Damn.

LINA: Oooh, selective amnesia. Another lame plot device.

ZEL: Or perhaps just sloppiness.

Now all of them are looking at me, as if I were some sort of dangerous animal they are considering killing.

ZEL: ...actually...

Zel: We were considering that.

Val: Along with killing ourselves.

LINA: ...if it were "annoying animal"...

I run. I don't hear the sound of pursuit; Zelgadiss-san and Gourry-san are probably still fussing over Lina.

ELIZABETH: Well, duh.

I hate her.

Duo: (screams) OH NO! WE'RE BACK AT THE BEGINNING OF THE FIC!!!!!!!!!

Suboshi: No, it's just repeating itself. Again.

Duo: Oh .... (whew) thought we were in trouble for a minute.

(Elizabeth glares at her companions, daring them to mock her literary device. They decide it isn't worth the bother and say nothing.)

My legs ache and my throat burns, and I consider resting a moment.

Xel: And we all know why she's experiencing these symptoms. (wink, wink, nudge, wolf whistle) ^_~

I trip over something, and remain where I've fallen. Okay, I will rest a moment. I just need to catch my breath.

Xel: From certain strenuous activities that should not be mentioned in the presence of children. ^_~

ZEL: That was one of the most convoluted paragraphs I've ever read.

"Konban wa, Amelia-san." Xelloss-san! Surely he will be glad I freed him!

Xel: No, but I'd sure like to free you. (eyes pan over Amelia's body) ^_^

WHAM!

LINA: Insertion of random japanese for no good reason. Cliche number five.

Duo: Not again!!!

Suboshi: Can this fic get anymore depraved?

Zel: She just added Xellos to it, you bet it can.

Duo and Suboshi: Oh yeah.

"There are some things I will not tolerate," he says brightly. "Those who interfere with my plans, and those who interfere with what is mine, being among the highest on the list."

Xel: Why? I tolerate them, they make life more ... interesting. ^_^

ELIZABETH: Okay, I know! It's a poorly contructed sentence! Just lay off.

I breathe a sigh of relief. I was right; he's angry with Lina now, because her bewitchment interfered with his plans.

Duo: (as Amelia) I freed them I tell you! Freed them!

"You have done both, by nearly killing Lina-chan."

ZEL: (frowns) "Lina-chan."

ELIZABETH: It's a term of endearment. Get over it, Zel-kun.

Zel: Sure! Just as soon as you set us free and kill the fruitcake.

Xel: (sniffles) You don't like me? ^_^

Zel: Yeah, I like ya dead, so back off.

What?! Has the whole world gone mad?

LINA: Nope, just you.

Zel: And if this goes on much longer, we will too.

Val: I can see the headlines now ...

Duo: Bishounen Insanity in Satellite of Love?

Suboshi: Bishounen Suicide in Theater?

Val: Well no, but those work.

He raises one hand, and I see what he holds: my dagger, the one I'd just tried to kill the bewitcher with. There is still blood on it, not entirely dried. How did he get it?

ZEL: Yes, how did he get it?

Xel: How I get everything. Duh! ^_^

Zel: And how is that?

Xel: That is a secret. ^_^

Zel: ....

ELIZABETH: ......

Xel: Oh look, she looks like you, Zel. ^_^

WHAM!

ZEL: Humph.

"And that," he cheerfully states, "I will not allow."

He throws the knife and I think I cry out as it embeds itself in my stomach. I claw at the knife, but I'm suddenly weak, and cannot remove it. There is so much blood...

Duo: Once again, I refer you all to Anime Law 18 -- Law of Hemoglobin Capacity: The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.

Suboshi: You'd think she have learned that the first time around.

...i hate her...

Duo: (screams) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (sudden stop) oops, another false alarm, my bad.

Xel: (wink, wink, nudge) How about we do your bad in bed? ^_~

Duo: How about we not.

-end-

ZEL & LINA: Praise L-sama!

All: Praise Ye Gods!

__________

Duo: Oooooo, a line.

Suboshi: Me like the line.

Val: It's so quiet, so tasteful.

Zel: So not the fic.

Xel: Because it means the end of the fic. ^_^

All: Me like the line.

There is a hypertext version of this document avaiable at http://members.tripod.com/~Metallium/freed.html

Zel: Darn, and here we thought the line was the end of the fic.

Duo: Obviously it was a clever and devious trap set by the author so as to dupe us into letting our guard down.

LINA: Isn't that a little...superfulous?

ELIZABETH: No, the hypertext version's easier to read.

Zel: This was easy to read.

Val: It just wasn't easy to take.

Duo: Seeing as we're locked in a theater, in the Satellite of Love, forced to watch crappy fics till we croak, and we're stuck here with Xellos.

Suboshi: By God, I'd be happier if it were harder to read!

All: (nod)

LINA: So why didn't you just send the URL, or at least put it at the beginning of the email?

Duo: For once, someone in this fic makes sense.

Val: For once.

ELIZABETH:....

The main reason I wrote this is because, after writing

Xel: All those kinky little lemon fics, I thought writing a psycho murder fic would be a nice change of pace. ^_^

"Inferno," I thought,

ZEL: You thought? Wow, a red-letter day.

ELIZABETH: Low blow, Stone Boy.

Duo: The fic's over and they've resorted to insulting each other to keep our attention. Pathetic.

Zel: (nods) Even we would never do such a thing. Right guys?

All: (nod)

Duo: But then again, they never had our attention.

ZEL: After what you've put me through, do you blame me?

ELIZABETH: Well, no.

Duo: Well, yes.

Suboshi: Well, maybe.

Val: Well, no.

Zel: (raises eyebrow) Having fun?

Duo, Suboshi, and Val: Well ...

"Hey, Zel's been a villian, in canon. How about making a 'totally good' character the villian?"

LINA: S'funny. I didn't think an incredibly annoying character qualified as "totally good."

Zel: And wasn't she just totally insane?

ELIZABETH: I meant good as in doesn't do villianous things.

Xel: Who doesn't do villianous things? ^_^

All: (raise hands)

Xel: You four don't count. ^_^

All: Awwww ...

LINA: You should've been more specific, then.

ELIZABETH: Now you two are just nit-picking.

Duo: Well, they have to do something!

LINA: Well...yeah, we are.

ELIZABETH: The story's over --

ZEL & LINA: Praise L-sama.

All: Praise Ye Gods!

ELIZABETH: (glares) -- so how about you let me get back to my coding?

LINA: (shrugs) Sure. Ja!

Duo and Suboshi: (singing) A German word, a German word, we spied a German word!

Zel: You guys never recovered from that vacation we took with Steph, did you?

Duo and Suboshi: (too busy singing)

(The two disappear. Elizabeth takes her seat again. She looks thoughful a moment, then opens a word processing program.)

ELIZABETH: MSTie me, will they?

Zel: -_- Not like we had a choice.

(grins very evilly) Well, I suppose I'll have to prove to them the truth of the statement

Xel: Whipped cream and chocolate just don't mix with S&M. ^_^

Zel: And how would you know that?

Val: (blushing furiously)

"turnabout is fair play; payback's a bitch."

(She starts typing gleefully, then gives an Evil Laugh.)

Duo: (reading) Evil Laugh (tm) is reserved for villans, psychos, and fruitcakes and is subject to all copyright laws, including section number 25 and 76. Miko and Author use of Evil Laugh (tm) is strictly prohibited in certain areas. --

Zel: Like this theater.

Duo: -- See Section 104 and subclause B for further details on the legality of Evil Laugh (tm).

ELIZABETH: Oh yes, payback's a bitch...and so am I.

Zel: Why do I get the feeling we will be subjected to more?

Val: Dunno, must be one of those things.

Duo: ..... It's over? (looks around as screen goes dark)

Steph: (appears on screen) Yup! You are now free to go.

All: FREE! FREE! WE'VE BEEN FREED! (pause, blink, then go back to cheering) YAY!!!!!!!!!! (stampede to door)

Zel: Dibs on the coffee!

Val: I got the couch!

Duo and Suboshi: Dibs on the video games!

Xel: Dibs on Zel and Val! ^_^

WHAM!

Xel: Ouchie ... ^_^

All: (vanish in dustcloud)

Steph: (shrugs and vanishes from screen)

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