Chapter 1: The Slimy Multiplying Semi-Intelligent Legions of Death

_____________________________________________________________
 

Valgarv hitched his pack up and muttered darkly about this "trip". Ruaki-chan was leaving town for a while and had sent him to stay with the Ifni no Miko.

Val: ::mutter:: gotta stay where that fruitcake stays ::mutter mutter:: Xellos is gonna pay ::mutter mutter some more::

Xellos stayed at Steph's every time Ruaki kicked him out (about every other day) so he had permanent residence at the Temple of Ifni. Val walked up and knocked on the door of the Temple experimentally. No answer. Tried again. No answer. Rang the doorbell (it looked like a doorbell anyway). No answer. Tried the intercom. Static. Tried handle. No movement. Got mad. Blew the door off it's hinges.

Val: ::smiling:: Much better!

Val hopped over the door, strode into the Temple, and was greeted by Zel moving at warp speed toward the door (what was left of the door anyway).

Zel: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Val notices Xel in hot pursuit as Zel darts behind Val.

Zel: Keep that hentai away from me!!

Val: Wha --

Xel tackles both of them as fighting ensues between Xel and Zel with Val caught in the middle. When the dust clears, Xel has Zel pinned and a very stunned Val in a headlock.

Xel: Hi Val-kun!! ^_^ ::to Zel:: Come on, I only need a little. Please! ^_~

Zel: ::muffled because his face is pushed into floor:: Dream on, fruitcake!

Val: Get yer $@*&# hands off me, ya $%&*# weirdo!! And don't call me Val-kun!!!!

Xel: Okay Val-chan. ^_^

Xel drops Val seeing as he already has his quarry. Val gets up and brushes himself off.

Val: ::mutters darkly:: Now I'm gonna need shots.

Xel ^_^'s before returning his attention to a still-struggling Zel.

Xel: ::wheedling:: Please Zelgadis, it's an important part. All I need are a few strands. ^_^

Zel: ::still muffled:: NO! I am not a herb cabinet, and don't you dare touch my hair! Get off me!!

Val decides to do Zel a favor and punts Xel into orbit. Rebound into kitchen. SD. The return of Xel. (darn those inconvenient ceilings with reinforcing spackle)

Zel: ::getting up:: Thanks! ::takes moment to brush self off, muttering:: And I just took a bath. ::returns attention to Val:: New bishounen?

Val: Nah, Ruacki-chan sent me ta stay here while she's on'er trip.

Zel: Lucky you. Xel's cooking tonight.

Val: Why's that scare me?

Zel: Mazoku fruitcake, open fire, a spatula ... dangerous combination. ::muses thoughtfully:: not that he's ever actually cooked before, but still ...

Val: Who usually cooks?

Zel: Duo.

Val: Duo?

Zel doesn't answer, instead he motions for Val to follow him. Leading him into the TV room, he motions for Val to hold still. Zel walks over to the TV, turns on the Sega, and gets dive-bombed by two people holding mallets. He sits there as the dust cloud envelopes him and the sound of wood bouncing off stone is heard.

Suboshi: Die Xellos!

Duo: We got dibs on the Sega!

Zel: I'm not Xellos.

The two pause in their attack, the dust clears, and the two are seen perched on Zel's shoulders, their mallets raised to smack him on the head again.

Suboshi: Oh. Hi Zel!

Duo: We thought you were Xel.

Zel: Obviously. Now get OFF me!!!

Duo: Duck and Cover!!!!

The two dive for cover, throw up an embankment (in carpet, no less), slap on the bomb hats, and prepare for war, mallets holstered as guns.

Zel: Now what are you two doing?!

Suboshi: You're not going to blow something up?

Zel: No.

Duo: Okay! ^_^

The two hop out of now dismantled embankment (carpet is so versatile) and pull out mallets.

Zel: You two are wired. And what's with the mallets?

Suboshi & Duo: ::in unison:: Croquet!

Zel: Forget I asked. Anyway, meet Valgarv.

The two take one look at Val and fall down laughing.

Val: ::just a touch ticked:: I fail ta see what's so amusin'.

Duo's laughing so hard he can barely breath, but he manages to raise a hand to point at Val.

Duo: T-t-t-ights. Bwahahahahahahah.

Suboshi's in the same condition as Duo.

Suboshi: He-he-he r-r-really ... ::gasp:: ... is anorexic. Bwahahahahah.

Val is now much more than a little ticked and throws a fireball at the laughing duo (duo, not Duo). The two, well versed in dodging incoming projectiles from plenty of experience, move easily out the way, ready to counter-strike. They raise there mallets and leap for Val. And bounce off a shield constructed by Zel.

Duo: ::to Zel:: Why'd do that for?!

Zel: ::rolls eyes:: Like we need another fight.

Suboshi: I have no problem with that.

Zel: You two would.

Xel: ::shout comes from kitchen:: Come and get it!! ^_^

Val: ::mutters under breath:: Come an' get poisoned, ya mean.

Duo and Suboshi don't hear Val and shoot off at warp speed toward the dining room while Zel and Val move towards the dining room more reluctantly and cautiously (Zel checks for traps and tripwires, in the Temple of Ifni you just never know, especially when you live with Xel, Duo, and Suboshi). Zel and Val walk in to see Duo and Suboshi ready and willing to inhale (close enough) the food the minute it touches the table (maybe sooner, depends if they can trip Xel on his way to the table). Taking a seat, Val and Zel cautiously watch the door to the kitchen. Soon, one of their worst fears is realized as Xel bustles into the dining room. In a waitress's dress with a short skirt and tight top. Xel waltzes to the table and sets it (with eating utensils that Duo and Suboshi have probably never seen in their lives considering they never bother to use them) and then waltzes out.

Val: I saw that one coming.

Duo: ::shocked and disgusted, but recovering quickly:: I say we set our phasers on kill.

Suboshi: ::also recovering quickly:: I second the motion.

Suboshi pulls out four phasers from no where and hands them around.

Zel: I've always wanted to ask this ... where do you get this stuff?!

Duo: ::snidely:: From his Mind of Infinite Nothingness.

Suboshi kicks the chair out from under Duo, who falls and lands with a thud.

Duo: ::from below table:: Excuse me. I meant pants.

Suboshi kicks Duo, hard.

Suboshi: Shut up.

Suboshi ignores Duo as he gets back on his chair and looks at the table in puzzlement.

Suboshi: What are these? ::holds up fork and knife::

Val gives him a look as he proceeds to explain the role of utensils in eating. Suboshi finally catches on.

Suboshi: Oh, duh. Now I remember.

Xel reenters the dining room holding a pot and sets it on the table before exiting once more. Zel warily eyes the receding Xellos and the pot simultaneously (TV is so skill forming).

Zel: Forget kill. Go for disintegrate.

Val: I second the motion.

Duo and Suboshi eye the stuff in the pot before answering (a first).

Duo & Suboshi: ::in unison:: I'd say it's unanimous.

Val: Do they do that often?

Zel: Speak in unison? Yep.

Xel comes back in (like he's forgotten why he's there) and Val picks up his phaser to disintegrate him, but he forgets he hasn't a clue as to how to use it. Nothing happens (duh). He bangs it against the table, and the lid pops off. Gets mad.

Val: Awwwww, the &*%@ with it!

Val throws it at Xel, who dodges and exits with a smile. Zel also discovers the phaser deficiency and leaves it in several broken pieces on the table.

Zel: Should've known.

Val: &#$@^%

Xel enters once again and ladles out a generous portion of the stuff in the pot into each of their bowls.

Xel: Enjoy! ^_^

Xel blows kisses to Val and Zel before flouncing out.

Val: ::watching retreating Xel:: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Zel: I hear my coffee calling.

Zel gets up to leave but Val catches hold of his cape and yanks him back into his seat.

Val: If I have ta eat it, then you have ta eat it.

Zel: ::raising voice slightly:: Who said we could eat it?!

Val: Point.

Zel mutters darkly under his breath as they all eye the concoction in their bowls warily. The stuff is a sick looking gray-green-brown sludge with little dark somethings rising to the surface occasionally as it bubbles and steams a foul smell. Val reaches out with his fork and tentatively pokes the mixture. The fork gets stuck and doesn't come out, even though Val bangs the stuff (bowl and all) on the table. In a huff he just leaves it. Zel and Val watch Val's fork slowly sink in the goo. Suddenly Suboshi attaches himself to Duo's head.

Suboshi: AAAHHHH!!! It MOVED!!!

Val: I don't doubt it.

Duo: By the way ... GET OFF my face!!

Duo pries Suboshi off and drops him back in his seat. They all stare as the stuff in Suboshi's bowl burbles, raises a tentacle thing out of the muck, grabs Suboshi's fork, and absorbs it with a blurp. Suboshi reattaches himself to Duo's head.

Suboshi: AAAHHHH!!!! IT'S ALIVE!!!!!! IT ATE MY FORK!!!!

A demanding pop comes from Val's bowl as Duo tries to unattach Suboshi. Val and Zel watch as the glop raises a eyestalk thing and blinks at Val. Then it shoots a tentacle at him. Val screams and follows Suboshi's example, attaching himself to Zel's head and shouting profanities at the courageous slime. Zel tolerates this up to a point before prying him off and dropping him on the floor. Just then, Suboshi's ooze slimes it's way out of the bowl and raises two eyestalks.

Suboshi: KILL IT!!!!

Suboshi and Duo pull out their mallets and proceed to try and hit the slimy little piece of crap. Try is the key word here. The thing is fast! It evades each strike and slimes all over the table while the two yell at it to:

Suboshi & Duo: ::in unison:: HOLD STILL AND DIE!!!!

The blob, of course, doesn't listen to them (it's not suicidal!) and continues to evade their blows. It's luck runs out, however, when it slimes over the broken remains of Zel's phaser, absorbs it, and explodes. They all stare stunned. Then they realize they still have three bowls of the stuff.

Zel: Dibs on the toilet!

Duo: I got the garbage disposal!

Suboshi: The incinerator is mine!

The three run off with a bowl each, depositing the glop in the aforementioned elimination devices of modern science, leaving the semi-stunned Val to guard the table from further developments in cooking by Xel. The three return looking particularly satisfied with their respective missions. Just then they realize they forgot the pot.

Zel: Uh oh.

Duo: You said it.

Suboshi: This could be bad.

The pot chooses that moment to become bad. The slime within burbles, heaves it's slimy self up and out of the pot, and lands on the table with a splat. It makes a demanding pop and ... divides. It pops and divides again. This continues for a few seconds until the bishounen start running around screaming. The slimy gobs goosh (new word!) off the table and wander around the Temple searching for food. They climb the walls, slime over furniture, and chase the harem boys, who are still running around screaming. That's when one of the slimy little boogers has the stupid idea to explore the computer room. This bad idea will soon come home to roost with it when it slimes itself within that sacred domain. Less than five seconds later, the goo comes flying out and splats to it's death on the far wall with the miko screaming after it:

Steph: Get Out, You Slimy Little Gob of Nappy Good-for-Nothin' Perverted Goo!!! If ever catch you in here again, I am gonna squish your Slimy Little Perverted Butt!!!!!!!

Val skids to a halt. And almost gets jumped by a gob that had attached itself to the ceiling fixtures. He notices just in time, however, and manages to dive out of the way while the glob goes splat. The rest of the harem joins him in the center of the room, the only place semi-free from the multiplying gobs of goo.

Zel: We are dead.

Duo: Uh huh.

Val: No arguments here.

Suboshi: Well, since we're dead already ... there has been this remote I've always wanted to try ...

Considering that this is the Temple of Ifni, an unknown remote is not only dangerous, it's suicidal.

Duo: Don't even think about it!

Suboshi: Too late! ^_^

Suboshi pulls a remote from no where, and before Duo can stop him, pushes it. Nothing happens.

Suboshi: Awwww ... it doesn't work ...

Zel: ::to self:: Stupid suicidal Sega-driven Yo-Yo Boy.

Just then a huge creaking sound is heard, right before the floor slides out beneath the harem boys. They barely have time to realize that the floor is now gone and start screaming before they fall in and the door slides shut. CrashBangThudBoom Various creaking noises are heard followed by the sounds of a full fledged harem fight. And then by muffled voices, thoroughly perturbed:

Val: Hey! Leggo a me! Watcha think yer do'in!

Suboshi: AAAHHH!!! Get away! Leggo of my shirt! ... @#&)(*$

Duo: Perverts!! YEOW!!!

Zel: Hentais! All of you!!! You're worse than Xel!!!

All of this is followed by yet another Boom. And various voices cussing in something close to unison.

Val: @#)(*$!!! Watch where yer throw'in that &$#^& stuff!!!

Followed by yet more cussing and more sounds of a scuffle, and then ... silence. A long silence. Then the lights dim, the cool music plays, the fog machines pump out fog like there's no tomorrow, and the globs of goo pause to gurgle and pop at all this in pure aesthetic admiration of the whole shebang. The floor opens smoothly (with a real cool hissing noise), a platform raises up, holding a group of shadowy figures, the cool multicolored lights stream up out of the hole, the gobs pop appreciatively to each other at the special effects, the music reaches the climax, the floor stops, the lights go out, and then there is silence. That is before all the lights snap on, the music plays one last crescendo, and reveals the foursome, dressed like MIB (in black suits, shiny black glasses, with hair loose (in Val's case), and boy do they look good), carrying intensely modern lethal weaponry, and looking pretty darn perturbed.

Suboshi: I suppose all of this has a point.

Val: ::already getting in the MIB mood:: The point is ... we kick their slimy little butts!!!!

Val pulls out a really big gun and starts pumping laser fire into the nearest gobs of goo he can find. Zel also gets into the mood and pulls out another type of lethal weapon and chases down the nappy little slimeballs that managed to get into the TV room (they'll get in, but they won't get out). The little blobs have been so thoroughly entranced by the whole light'n'fog show that was their entrance that they die like nothin', leaving little splats of slime to mark their passage into eternity. Duo and Suboshi finally catch the general drift and tag team blowing the little gooballs away.

Suboshi: DIE, You Slimy Multiplying Semi-Intelligent Legions of Death Cooked by Xel!!!

Duo: Take this on your trip to the afterlife!!!! ::blows 'em up some more::

A few action packed, properly dramatic, musically scored, fog'n'light outlined moments later the MIB Wannabes have once again centered in the room, leaving piles of smoking frozen goo in their wake (along with a smoking Temple). They congratulate themselves in the typical male fashion.

Duo: Oh Yeah!

Suboshi: What's up with that!?

Zel: The Men!

Val: We wasted 'em!

Duo: I think we know who the men are!

Suboshi: Yes!

Then the whole thing degenerates into a victory song with lotsa typical prancing around.

Duo & Suboshi: ::in unison:: We bad, we know it! They suck, they showed it!

Zel & Val: ::in unison:: Mess with the best, die like the rest!

All: ::in unison:: Hey-ho! Hey-ho!

Just then, Xel chooses that moment to enter, stopping them in mid-prance. Xel looks in the pot, looks around the Temple, and looks at them. They sweatdrop. Xel jumps around SD'ing.

Xel: You liked it! Great! Just wait till next time! ^_^

All: ::in unison:: Next Time?!! There ain't gonna be a next time, you homicidal fruitcake!!

Xel: Awwww ... ^_^

They jump him. The fight continues for sometime, when suddenly they hear the sound of an odd clang, jet powered rollerblades (it's very distinctive, you can always tell), and a metallic jangling. They all look up.

Agent K: Where should we set up?

Agent J: Nice place ya have here.

Nosedive: Coolelah! Looks like the pond after hockey practice.

Rezo: Interesting.

All: ::in unison:: What's going on now!!??

_____________________________________________________________
 

Chapter 2   |   The Harem Tales   |   Harem   |   Fanfiction