Me: Once upon a time, long, long ago....
Xel: Check it out! She started this one correctly!
Me: *gives Xel a Look* -_-
Xel: Ah hehe.... *gulp*
Me: *ahem* Once upon a time, in a kingdom far away, a king and queen waited anxiously for the birth of their first child....
Lina: Um, who are my parents?
Me: Ah...... Two unknowns who rule a kingdom. DON'T BOTHER ME WITH DETAILS!
All: O.O eep!
Me: As I was saying, before I was so RUDELY interrupted...
All: *sweet smiles with halos above their heads*
Me: The king and queen were awaiting the birth of their first child, and were overjoyed when their first child turned out to be a girl. At the celebration of the princess's birth and betrothal......
Lina: ALL RIGHT! I'm now a princess! Wait! ...and betrothed?!
Me: *glare* The king and queen invited many members of royalty and the upper crust to the naming ceremony, but the most important guests were two pairs of married fairy couples....
Zel, Ame, Val, Filia: YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT WE WERE MARRIED!!!! Um, who's married to whom?
Me: Filia and Val are married, and so are Amelia and Zel. Have any objections?
Z,A,V,F: *exchanging looks* Well, not really, I guess...
Me: Fine. These four fairies were renowned for their gracious gifts, wisdom, fighting abilities, and senses of what was just and fair. Get it, fairies?? HAHAHAHA!
All: *sweatdrop* -_-
Me: *cough* As the four fairies appeared in court, the Great Hall became silent.
Amelia: *approaching the crib* What is the child's name?
King: Her name is Lina. Lina Inverse.
Filia: Lina. A good, strong name for a healthy, strong child.
Zel: Well, I think we should get started with our gift giving.
Amelia: Want to get it over with, huh?
Zel: You know it.
Val: Why do I have to be *&%^%$ nice?! You know I hate Lina Inverse!
Filia: *whapping Val over the head with her mace wand* Oh, hush. If we have to grin and bear it, so do you.
Amelia: I'll go first, if that's all right.
All: *nod nod*
Amelia: *holding out her wand* As my gift, I give the gift of....
Lina's voice: A nice body, with large breasts and long legs!
Amelia: *sweatdrop*
Me: *whapping Lina over the head* Be quiet!
Amelia: *beginning again* I give the gift of strength, to overcome your foes with magic that is used for the sake of Justice! *waves wand, golden sprinkles fall onto the baby*
Lina's voice: WHAT THE HELL KIND OF GIFT IS THAT?!
Me: *tying up and gagging Lina* I said to keep quiet. Next!
Zel: *stepping up to the crib* I give the gift of wisdom. *waves wand, watches blue sparkles sprinkle down, snorts, and steps back*
Me: Thank you Mr. Eloquence....
Filia: *stepping up and waving mace wand*
Xel: *muttering under his breath* It'd be a riot if she dropped the mace on the baby's head....
Filia: *glare, snarl* Raw Garbage!
Xel: *twitch*
Me: Get on with it!
Filia: For my gift, I give the gift of beauty. May she grow tall, well endowed, and dazzle everyone who sees her.
Lina's voice: *breaking free* ALL RIGHT!!
Me: On this happy occasion, there was one fairy who was not so happy....
Xel: What are you talking about? I'm always smiling, aren't I?
Me: You weren't invited to the party.
Xel: WHAT?! How dare they! I shall have revenge! *to Alyson* couldn't you think of better lines than that?
Me: *shrug* Val had yet to give his gift, when the evil fairy Xelloss suddenly appeared in their midst.
Xelloss: So, you thought you could get away without inviting the best Trickster to your little celebration, hmmmm??? ^_^ Well, I have a gift to give, too.
Amelia: Don't you dare, you enemy of justice! *pulls out her wand and whaps Xelloss over the head*
Xelloss: Oo, that was a nice move, Amelia, but it won't stop me from giving my gift. Listen up! *raises his staff* All previous gifts shall be void from this moment on. The child will grow up greedy, and will only use her power for personal gain. Her wisdom shall be that of the bandits and sorcerers that inhabit the woods. She shall be small of size and chest......
Lina: *running out and jumping Xelloss, pummeling him* HOW DARE YOU MESS UP MY GIFTS!! I WAS GOING TO HAVE A NICE SIZED CHEST!! *POUND POUND POUND*
Xelloss splat: Oww... L-Lina, it's part of the script!
Lina: *incoherent sounds of rage*
All: O.O
Me: We gotta stop her!
~This fanfic pauses while we get Lina under control. In the meantime, enjoy this promotional song from one of my other fanfic ideas (that may or may not see fruit).~
Beating bullies by daylight,
Roasting demons by moonlight,
Always willing to start a fight,
She is Slayer Fireball.
She will never turn down a good meal,
She will even sometimes steal,
But you will never ever hear her squeal,
She is the one called Slayyyyeeeerrrrrrr;
Slayer Justice!
Slayer Chimera!
Slayer Sword!
Slayer Airhead!
With sorceress powers that are out of control,
She is Slayer Fireball!
Beating bullies by daylight,
Roasting demons by moonlight,
The other Slayers get to help whine!
She is Slayer Fireball.
She is Slayer Fireball.
She's called ... Fireball!!
~We now return to our regularly scheduled fanfic. Thank you for your time and patience.~
Xel: *looking a little worse for wear* But, above all, this child shall be doomed to prick her finger on the needle of a spinning wheel on the eve of her 16th birthday, and ... ... DIE! MUA HAHAHAHA!
Good fairies: We can't let him get away with this, get him! *start to run towards Xel*
Xel: *winking and wiggling finger* Ah...ah...ah! Bye all. *vanishes*
Queen: *sobbing* Oh, L-sama, my little girl!
Gourry's voice: I'll say she's little. *POW* Oww.....
King: Isn't there something you fairies can do?
Amelia: I'm afraid not, for this curse is a powerful one indeed, and our powers just can't overcome it.
Filia: Val still hasn't given his gift yet. *nudges Val*
Val: There's no way I'm gonna help Lina Inverse.
Amelia: Come on, Val! It's for the sake of Justice!
Zel: ........
Val: No @#$%$#@ing way!
Me: Excuse us a minute. *takes Val by the hand, drags him off, and proceeds to whisper in his ear. Val pales, and returns to the group* All righty then.
Filia: Val? What did she say?
Val: Ahh..... You don't wanna know.
Zel: Is there a way you can counteract this curse?
Val: I'll give it a try.
Lina's voice: GIVE ME BACK MY GOOD BODY GIFT! I DON'T CARE IF I DIE Mmmmphhh....
Me: *holding hand over Lina's mouth* Go on, Val.
Val: *blushes, and waves his wand, watching the seafoam sparkles fall over the crib* Though I can't break this curse, nor alter it too much, I can prevent this child from dying. When she pricks her finger, she will not die, but instead will fall into a deep sleep, only to awaken with True Love's First Kiss.
Lina's voice: *biting Alyson's hand* YOU MEAN I'M GOING TO BE KISSED IN THIS FIC?! ARUGH!!!
Me: Filia. *holds out hand. Filia puts her mace into it, and Alyson whams Lina over the head, knocking her out* There. That should keep her quiet for a while.
Amelia: *to Zel* What are we going to do? We can't just leave the child here. I know! We can take her away, and care for her in the woods!
Filia: But we don't know how to care for a child!
Amelia: That makes no difference! We can learn, and with the four of us, we'll be able to protect her from Xelloss' wrath.
Zel: She does have a point, you know. Until the child grows up, we'll have to take care of her.
Filia and Val: *exchanging a glance* All right, you do have a point.
Me: And with that, the four fairies convinced the royal couple to give up their one and only child....
Queen: I DON'T WANNA!! SHE'S MINE!
Amelia: It's for her own good!
Filia: *smashes queen and king over the head* I hope I don't get in trouble for that....
Me: And they all headed off into the woods to raise the child as their own. They continued to call her Lina, and she grew up to be a sassy, smart ass, petite, flame-haired sorceress....
Lina: How dare you say that! FIREBALL!
Me: *puts up a shield and keeps going as if nothing had happened* ...who would trash a bandit gang, on average, twice a week. The fairies all loved her dearly....
Val: I DO NOT!
Me: And greatly enjoyed watching her as she grew up.
Amelia: Ahh, she furthers the cause of justice! I'm so proud!
Zel, Filia, Val: ......Whatever.
Me: One day, while Lina was trashing an extremely stubborn band of bandits....
Lina: I swear, you guys just don't learn, do you? FIREBALL!
Leader: *cough* We don't care who you are! You're not getting our treasure! And you'll soon be much poorer before this day is out. Get her!
Lina: *snorts, and starts to power up, when a voice cuts in*
Gourry's voice: Whoa!
Lina: *muttering* Oh great, some one's interfering.
Gourry's voice: I said, whoa! Hold it!
Leader: You can't help her!
Me: *looking around* Where is he, he should have been here..... *trails off as a runaway white horse, with Gourry hauling backwards on the reins, comes flying through* ...by now.
Gourry: ALYSON! HE'S GOT THE BIT BETWEEN HIS TEETH!
Me: *putting face in hands* Oh hell. That horse has the brakes of a runaway train on a good day....
Lina: *watching as Gourry and the horse zoom back and forth* I thought you knew how to ride a horse!
Gourry: I do! But he's got the bit between his teeth... *trails off as the horse vanishes over a rise*
Amelia: What did he mean by that?
Me: When a horse has the bit between his teeth, it means that he's clamped down so hard on it that no matter how hard you pull, it's nearly impossible to stop him.
Filia: This doesn't look good.....
Zel: If Gourry can't play his part, then we can end this fic early!
Me: I don't think so. *watches as the horse comes running back* Gourry, head him towards that lake!
Gourry: I'll try! *turns horse in the direction of the lake*
Me: *muttering* Brace yourselves.....
*NEIGH* *SCREECH* *AHHHHHHH!* *SPLASH*
Me: *watching the horse run by riderless* Well, that worked....
Gourry: *dripping wet* You did that on purpose.
Me: would you rather have continued at that pace and wound up who knows where?
Gourry: Guess not...
Leader: Can we get on with it?
Lina: Sure. DRAGON SLAVE! *bandits are all toast*
Gourry: Wow, that was impressive! Can you help me? I'm lost, and I was wondering if you could show me the way to Rose Castle?
Lina: Rose Castle? What do you want with Rose Castle?
Gourry: I have to visit a family there for some reason. Not really sure why.
Lina: Well, if you head west for about four miles, and then go north for another two, you'll find yourself at their doorstep.
Gourry: Thanks! *runs off*
Lina: *muttering* Jellyfish brains.
Me: When Lina got home and told the fairies what had happened during that day of bandit trashing, they weren't to happy about it.
Amelia: Lina, you can't be socializing with strange men. After all, you are betrothed.
Lina: WHAT?! When did this happen?
Zel: The day of your birth.
Lina: I don't understand....
Val: It means you're engaged to someone. *smirk*
Lina: I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS!
Filia: Look, Lina, your birthday is tomorrow, and I think it's time we told you something. We're not your parents.
Lina: I knew that already.
Filia: You did?
Lina: Yeah, I just figured you all were kinky or something, and didn't want to ask.
All: O.o THAT'S NOT IT!
Amelia: We're fairies, and we were charged with the sacred duty to protect you until your 16th birthday. We promised that we would return you to your true parents the eve of your 16th birthday.
Lina: *sitting down* So who am I betrothed to?
Zel: Prince Gourry of Montecore.
Lina: So that makes me a princess? Cool!!
Me: The fairies shrugged, and figured that there wasn't much else they could tell Lina. The next day, they held a celebration in their tiny cottage, face faulting at the amount of cake that Lina devoured, and then packed her up and headed to Rose Castle, which was where Lina was originally from. The king and queen were happy to see her.....
Queen: MINE! *glomp*
Lina: FIREBALL! *toasts queen*
Me: ...and a huge ball was arranged in her honor. Of course, she was also supposed to meet her intended and set a wedding date...
Lina: *mutter mutter*
Me: And Amelia and Filia helped to dress her in a pretty pink ballgown.
Amelia: You're so pretty, Lina! Prince Gourry is going to be swept off his feet when he sees you.
Lina: That jellyfish is impossible to sweep off his feet.
Filia: Shame on you, and when you haven't even met him yet.
Me: All were ready for the ball, but just as Lina was going to descend to the ballroom, who should appear but Xelloss.
Xel: You were expecting The Godfather perhaps?
Lina: What are you doing in my room?? FIREBALL!
Xel: *calmly watches the fireball slide off his shield* Now, now. You should know that I'm here to help you!
Lina: Help me? How?
Xel: I'm going to show you something that you've never seen before! *holds his staff up to one of the walls, and watches as a doorway appears*
Lina: Why do you want to show me something?
Xel: Sore wa himitsu desu.
Lina: *twitches, then jumps him and begins pounding again* AND HOW DARE YOU TAKE AWAY MY GOOD BODY GIFT!
Xel: ACK!
Me: Lina.....
Lina: *pausing in her beating* What?
Me: Keep that up, and I'll keep you from the buffet that I'm taking everyone to once this is over.
Lina: *eyes light up and she begins to drool* Buffet?? Really??
Me: Yep.
Lina: *grabbing Xelloss in a headlock* WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?! *zooms through the opening in the wall, and dashes up some stairs, dragging the Trickster Fairy behind her*
Xel: GAH!
Me: The Fairies, sensing that something was wrong, went in search of Lina.
Amelia: Look! She's not in her room, and what's the weird light?
Zel: It appears that someone has taken Lina away for their own purposes.
Filia: It's Xelloss! I just know it!
Val: *smirk* Serves her right.
Me: *whack*
Val: Oww....
Amelia: *running after Lina and Xelloss* Lina! Don't go with that enemy of justice!
Zel: He's probably trying to get her to touch a spinning wheel needle.
Val: Oh, you think?
Me: Not often.
All: ????
Me: Never mind. *ahem* The fairies all chased after Lina, but Xelloss got her to one of the upper chambers first, where there was a spinning wheel that had been long forgotten.
Xel: All you have to do is touch the needle....
Lina: *eyeing needle* Why would I want to do that?
Xel: Sore wa himitsu desu.
Lina: When you say that, it makes me not want to do it.
Xel: You know, I really don't care. *grabs Lina's hand and pricks her finger with the needle*
Lina: That hurt you..... you..... *collapses on the ground, asleep* ZZZzzzzzZZZZzzzzzZZZZzzzzz........
Xel: Never knew she snored. *vanishes just as Amelia and the other fairies arrive*
Filia: Great, we're too late! *pulls out a cup of tea, and starts to sip*
Amelia: What are you doing?
Filia: This is my way of thinking.
Val: Interesting....
Amelia: Well, we'll just have to find someone to kiss her to wake her up. That was the reasoning behind Val's gift, was it not?
Val: *mumbles* Yeah. %$#@@%^%^.
Zel: Better go get Prince Gourry, since they're engaged. And don't let the king and queen see you.
Amelia: *shudders, and runs down the stairs*
Zel: *eyeing the sleeping Lina* What do we do with her?
Filia: I don't know.
Val: Could just leave her there. *smirk*
Filia: But she'll catch cold.
Val: And that's bad because?
Me: *giving the fairies a look* The Good Fairies....
Val: *groaning*
Me: ...quickly picked up Lina, and gently placed her on a bed that was conveniently placed against one of the far walls.
All: Figures.
Amelia: *returning with Gourry in tow* I promise, you'll really like her!
Gourry: So, where is this babe you said was up here?
All: *sweatdrop*
Amelia: She's over there on the bed.
Gourry: What? That's Lina! I thought you said a babe was up here!
Lina; *sitting up* I HEARD THAT!
Me: *laying her back down* Gourry, please, let's finish this.
Gourry: Finish what?
Me: *sigh* You have to kiss Lina.
Lina and Gourry: *blush* WHAT?!
Gourry: If I do that, she'll fireball me!
Me: But you have to. It's part of the story.
Gourry and Lina: *deeper blush*
Me: And Lina, you're supposed to be asleep!
Lina: B-but.....
Gourry: *leaning in and whispering in Lina's ear, causing her to blush, but she nods and lays back down*
Me: Dunno what you said, but go ahead and let's finish this up.
Filia: Wasn't as crazy as Cinderchimera.
Me: I know. Oh well.
Zel: Thank L-sama...
Gourry: Um, ok, with this kiss, thee awakens. *glances at Alyson, who sighs and nods. Gourry leans down, and kisses Lina on the cheek*
Lina: *opening eyes* Hey, you're that guy I gave directions to.
Gourry: *blink blink* Have we met?
Lina: Oh, you jellyfish brains!
Me: With that, the two engaged people joined the royal family who had no idea of what all had been going on. The next day they were married....
Zel: Rushing things a bit?
Me: Well, Lina has this look in her eye that says a Dragon Slave is coming up if I don't hurry up and get her to that buffet I promised....
Zel: Oh.
Me: Anyway, they were married the next day amongst much rejoicing. The good fairies returned to their homes in the forest...
Amelia: Ahh, Justice has triumphed once again!
Me: ..... While Xelloss stewed in his castle.
Xel: Actually, I"ve had a good laugh at all this! Lots of fun!
Me: Wait till my next Slayer Fairy Tail.
All: You're planning another one?!
Me: Yep. ^_^
All: O.O AHHHH!!! *zooms outta there*
Me: And they all lived happily ever after. *calling after the retreating cloud dust* I guess you guys don't want to go to dinner after all?
All: *returns running backwards*
Lina: FOOD! *grabs Alyson and Gourry, and runs out the door, with Amelia, Filia, Val, Zel, and Xel closely on her heels*
Zel: Don't know why I have to go.
Me: *from choke hold* Because I said so. Now get in the car, and hush!
Lina: Come on, come on, COME ON!
Me: *waves at audience* Until next time!
All: *waves* Bye!