Xellos: [wearing a black T-shirt and blue jeans, holding a microphone.] Hello everybody! We're here with the newest game show of prime time...
[drumroll]
Xellos: MAKE ZEL BLUSH!!!
[audience, who has been silent until now, goes wild. Xellos smirks.]
Xellos: I'm your host Xellos Metallium, and here's everyone's favorite vic - ehem, guest, Zelgadis Greywers!
[audience goes more wild as a sweatdropping Rezo, wearing a red T-shirt and blue jeans, wheels out a large crate. Xellos gives him an odd look, but the Red Priest just shrugs.]
Xellos: Mr. Akahoshi, sometime this millenium, PLEASE.
Rezo: Doesn't my grandson hate me enough without you making me participate in this ludicrous event?
Xellos: Do you want an answer, or would you like to leave the stage?
Rezo: [leaves stage muttering something about revenge]
Xellos: Well, now that that's outta the way, let's get to know our special friend. [demonic grin]
[walls of the crate fall down, revealing a shirtless Zel strapped to a plexiglass table with titanium bonds]
Xellos: We here at the station wish to apologize to you fan girls out there. We originally were going to have him in just his boxers, but the censors wouldn't let us go through with that. So, we just gave him very low cut jeans. [holds up a card with an address scrawled on it] Here's the name of the censorship company, if you want to lynch them after the show.
[sounds of fan girls plotting dark deeds]
Xellos: ANYWAY, now that Zel is here, lets meet the contestants who are going to try and make him blush! First up is Elizabeth Metallium, Trickster Priestess! [Za-chan makes a flashy entrance to do Xellos proud.]
Za-chan: Hi minna! [gives the audience the V sign]
Xellos: Next is our very own Lina Inverse, from the Slayers realm! [Lina enters and waves to the people]
Lina: I'm gonna win, and you all know it!
Xellos: Today's third player is none other than Naga, the White Serpent. [Xellos looks a little green upon reading this, and gives his off stage writers a weird look.]
Naga: [thankfully wearing more than her usual attire in a belly shirt and bell bottom pants.] D@%$ those censors...
Xellos: [sweatdrops] Last, and hopefully least, is Ameria, Princess of Sairoon. [looks very green, rushes off stage to the bathroom as Ameria skips in.]
Ameria: [jumps onto the contestant podiums that the stage hands were dragging in and prepares for a speech.] In the name of love and justice, I will win this - [is cut off by Rezo, Gourry, and several unimportant members of the crew simultaneously knocking her out, pounding her, and tying her to her chair with a gag.]
Rezo: We're experiancing a little technical difficulties here. Sick MC, hyper contestant, unconscious grandson... you get the picture. We'll continue after these messages from the lunatics who were crazy enough to sponser us.
Enter Commercial Break.
End Commercial Break
Xellos: [still looking a little woozy] Welcome back to the Make Zel Blush game show. We've met our contestants Elizabeth 'Za-chan' Metallium, Lina 'Dragon Slave' Inverse, Naga the White Serpent, and [starts to look sick again] Ameria.
[Zelgadis looks sick at the mention of Ameria. He shoots a glare off stage to Rezo, who shrugs.]
Zelgadis: Help me... somebody...
Rabid Fangirls: WE'LL HELP YOU ZELGADIS!!!
[Rezo sweatdrops, glad he put up wards around the stage. The security crew was already getting mobbed.]
Xellos: ACHEM! Here in Round One, the contestants will get thirty seconds to recall on an event that happened involving our special friend. [evil smirk on 'special friend'.] We've hooked up little sensors to Zel's cheeks to measure exactly how much he blushes, which can be seen on this monitor.
[gestures to a large black box with GRAB THE BARF BAG on one end, and HEATWAVE on the other. A blue needle hangs indefinatly between the two, somewhere around WHY AM I HERE?]
Xellos: First place gets 100 points, second gets 50, third gets 25, and last gets none. Eto... we'll be going in alphabetical order until someone takes the lead. Ameria, you're first. [still looking sick]
Ameria: [jumps on podium] Oh, Zelgadis, do you remember all those times you saved me and held me in your arms and -
Zelgadis: If you don't shut her up, I think I'm gonna be sick all over this stage. [meter is at BARF BAG end]
Val: [Grabs Rezo's staff, uses it to brain Ameria.]
Rezo: What a waste of a perfectly good staff...
Xellos: Okay! Now that THAT'S over, someone please get her back in her designated cell. [clears throat.] Lina-chan, you're next.
Lina: Huh? [points to Elizabeth] But 'E' comes before 'L', doesn't it?
Za-chan: Yes. But for this program, I'm going by Za-chan. And 'Z' is the last letter of the alphabet.
Lina: D@&%... I really, uh... ano...
Xellos: Start the counter!
Lina: Oro... erm, hey, Zel, do you remember that time we, ah, went(mumblemutterwhisper)?
Zelgadis: What? I can't hear you. Too much audience interferance. Speak up.
Lina: Do you remember the time we went (murmurmurmur)?
Zelgadis: What?
Lina: DO YOU REMEMBER THE TIME WE WENT skinny dipping?
[Lina blushes. Zel blushes. Meter reads TURN UP THE AC]
Xellos: Whoa. Kewl. When was this, and where was I?
Lina: PERVERT! [bashes Xellos]
Xellos: Arigato Lina-chan! Naga, you're next.
Naga: But I don't know anything about this guy! I've never even met him!
Xellos: So? That's not the point of the game. The counter has started... [smirk]
Naga: [pauses to think. Smoke alarm goes off and is mauled by Val] OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH! I've got it!
Counter: BZZZZZTTTT!
Xellos: I'm sorry, time's up. Well, Za-chan, it's your turn. So far, Lina's in the lead, with Naga behind her, and Ameria dead last. [extra umph on dead.]
Za-chan: This is a piece of cake. [faces Zel]
[audience drools in suspense]
Za-chan: Pickles. Love-in-Idleness. Bedside Manners. [smirk]
Zelgadis: ...
Meter: IF YOU CAN'T STAND THE HEAT, GET OUTTA THE HEATWAVE!!!
Xellos: Well, it's obvious that Za-chan took the lead in that one... [sweatdrops] Here's the score:
Za-chan: 100
Lina: 50
Naga: 25
Ameria: 0
Xellos: We'll be back after these messages... hopefully...
[Za-chan continues to list Zel/Lina fics, and the mauled smoke alarm continues to bleep, even as Val swallows it.]
Val: BURP
End Commercial Break
Xellos: And we're back! Welcome minna to the hottest show on television, MAKE ZEL BLUSH!
[audience goes wild]
Rezo: Just get on with it.
Val: Please.
Xellos: Oh, fine. You two never let me have any fun... Anyhow, the loser of the first round, Ameria, has been dropped -
[audience goes even wilder]
Xellos: [clears throat] HAS BEEN DROPPED, and we are now down to three contestants. Za-chan in the lead, Lina after her, and of course... Naga.
[audience goes dead silent]
Naga: Oh, very funny... [sweatdrop]
Val: Ah, shut your trap. You're just ticked 'cause the censors won't let you wear your stupid lookin' bikini.
Naga: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
Val: I said you're ticked 'cause the censors won't let you wear your stupid lookin -
Naga: OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH! You dare insult Naga, the White Serpent? On live television, no less? Prepare to fry, horn-head!
Val: Horn-head?
Rezo: Whatever capsizes her canoe. [shrugs and whaps Naga with his new staff.]
Xellos: He-LLO! We have a show to do, and a chimera to emberass! This show can't cut into the news, or L-sama is gonna have our necks on a platter!
All: Oh, fine.
Zel: What? Even the Lord of Nightmares is against me? What did I ever do to deserve this...
Xellos: All righty then, we have round two; the physical -
[audience gets REALLY LOUD]
Xellos: Yare yare, and this was turning out to be such a fun job. [sigh, sweatdrop.] Anywho, our contestants each have one object, which they don't know what it is, and have a full minute to try and use it in some way (suitable for television, of course) to get Zel to blush. Naga, you're first.
Naga: [reaches into bag and pulls out a Harlequin romance novel. Starts reading aloud.] And then, at the moment of -
[Zel looks ready to throw up.]
Buzzer: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
Xellos: Time's up. Let's see how many points that got...
Counter: -5
Rezo: Sheesh. That must have REALLY been bad. And here I thought Xellos was the most disgusting...
Val: Always goes ta' show, don't trust the superlatives.
Firia: OOOO! Val, you just used a really big word, and didn't even swear in the same sentence! WAI! WAI! WAI! [glomps onto him. Audience sweatdrops.]
Val: Is this how Ameria acts around Zelgadis?
Gourry: Pretty much. Except she's a total klutz about it. Ano, what's 'superlative' mean?
Xellos: Okay, next up Lina-chan.
Lina: [pulls out a jar of pickles.] I'm supposed to use this? What, is this entire show deemed on her [jerks thumb at Za-chan] fics?
Xellos: Hey, we raided the studio to get whatever we could. You would rather have the mustard, or the six month old leftovers from that Mongolian take out?
Lina: [turns a slight shade of green] no.
Xellos: Then, you have ONE minute. Go!
Sponser: For more information on just WHAT Lina does, check out 'Pickles', by Elizabeth. This has been a shameless blatant plug.
One minute later...
Counter: [has broken due to the heat of Zel's blush]
Xellos: [is kicking the crud outta the counter, trying to get it fixed.]
Zel: [has turned a nice shade of bright crimson]
Lina: [matches said shade of crimson]
Ten Minutes later...
Xellos: Okay. We're. Back. [sighs, reclines mid air] Za-chan, you're up.
Zel: Hearnoevilspeaknoevilseenoevil, hearnoevilspeaknoevilseenoevil...
Za-chan: [V-signs the audience, pulls out...] A lollypop?!
Xellos: I told you, we ransacked the studio.
Za-chan: Oh, so now you've resorted to stealing candy from a baby?
Xellos: Um, no. It's Val's.
Val: [random angry muttering with occasional bleeps]
Za-chan: Oh. In that case, I'll proceed.
[does so. Author will not say exactly HOW she proceeds, but just think of all the different things you can do with your tongue and a lollypop.]
Xellos (to counter): Shut down, and I will personally see that you go to mechanical hell.
Counter: Beep! Ding.
Xellos: TIME. Well, lets see the score now:
Lina: 150
Za-chan: 125
Naga: 42
Xellos: Jeeze. It's close between Lina and Za-chan, so stay tuned for the next segment of this hot show!
Commercial Break
End Commercials
Xellos: [very chipper. there must have been some mass destruction over the break.] Aaaaaaaaaaaand Weeeeeeee're BACK! For those of you just joining in, where the heck have you been?! This is the hottest game show on prime time television, MAKE ZEL BLUSH! I'm your host, Xellos Metallium, and this is the final round to determine which of our two lucky competitors wins the secret prize. [grins]
Rezo: I have never, in all my life, met anyone as bent on secrets as you, sadistic fruitcake. [whaps him with the staff]
Xellos: Arigato Rezo-kun!
Zelgadis: Rezo, how could you put me up to this? I thought you were coming to apologize, not knock me out and drag me here!
Rezo: [sweatdrops] Well... er... [dashes of screen]
Za-chan: That was...
Lina: ...very weird.
Zelgadis: D@*# you, Rezo, just wait 'till I get outta here! [fumes as he struggles against the bonds.]
Xellos: We're down to the final round. The score is Lina Inverse 150, Elizabeth 'Za-chan' Metallium 125. In order to win, one of these fine you ladies must use their special abilities to make Zelgadis here blush.
Zelgadis: WHAT?! LEMME OUTTA HERE! I DON'T WANNA BE HERE! THIS CAN'T BE SUITABLE FOR PUBLIC TELEVISION! HELP ME!
Xellos: [gags Zelgadis with an apple] Oh, do be quiet until they're quite through. I'm sure Lina-chan and Za-chan have put a lot of time and effort into this. [grins wickedly]
Zelgadis: [incomprehensive mumbling much like screaming]
Xellos: Za-chan, as you are behind Lina by 25 points, you get to go first. How many points do you want to wager?
Za-chan: 100!
Xellos: Okay... [blink] he's all yours for one minute.
Za-chan: Ne, Zelgadis, you look kind of stressed out. Maybe you need a hug...
Chaos-in-the-audience: DON'T LET HER DO IT! DON'T LET HER DO IT!
Xellos: [nods to Gourry and Val, who drag Chaos off to a side room and keep her... occupied.] sheesh...
Za-chan: [glomps Zel, a little lower than most people she glomps. actually, she hanging around his hips...]
Zelgadis: [looks like his face is about to find a new shade of red for the crayon companies to rip off.]
Xellos: [covering Lina's eyes.] Censorship is a good thing now and then.
Lina: What the f%#&#*@ h@%% do you think you're doing, fruitcake?!
Buzzer: Ping!
Xellos: [releasing Lina] Okay, Za-chan, that's enough. Time's up.
Za-chan: But I don't wanna!
Xellos: [nods to Rezo, who can't see that he's being nodded at.] Rezo-kun, would you please?
Rezo: [close-eyed glare at Xellos as he does his best to cart Za-chan off.]
Xellos: Lina-chan, your turn. What will you wager?
Lina: Um... I'll wager 75 points.
Xellos: Okay, you've got one minute.
(Lina's actions have been censored from public view - )
[Gourry, Rezo, Val, and several other cast members of Slayers have taken this oppertunity to Slay the censors.]
[Lina walks to a five foot distance of Zel, and uses tiny little FLARE ARROWS to destroy the waistline of his jeans without hitting him. His pants slip down to reveal most of his abdomen, hanging lower on his hips.]
[fangirls in the audience go wild]
[Lina manipulates a mini Diem Wind to take care of the zipper, and the pants are down. Zel is now in his black silk boxers, his face redder than infrared.]
Zelgadis: L-L-Lina, wh-wha-what are you doing?!
Lina: Don't you want me? [shirt slips down to bare shoulders. starry gaze.] What's wrong, Zelgadis, don't you like what you see?
Zelgadis: [going redder still] I-I-I... Y-yo-you're... b-be-bea...[stammers unintelligably]
Lina: Zelgadis. Look at me.
Za-chan: [very disgruntled] First the narrator quotes me. Now Ranma 1/2, owned my Rumiko Takahashi. What's next?
Xellos: [eating popcorn] Shh. This is getting interesting.
Buzzer: [thinking] should I? yeah. [outloud] Ping!
Lina: [pouts] darn.
Xellos: Okay, let's look at the scores our judges have so kindly provided.
Mysterious Judges: [waves]
Xellos: Za-chan earned 69 of her 100 points, bringing her score to 194. [eyes bug out at the #] okay... moving right along, Lina earned 69 out of her 75, making her score 219. [eyes bug out again] judges no hentai...
Mysterious Judges: [grinz]
Xellos: The winner is LINA INVERSE!
Lina: Of course.
Xellos: And your prize is...
Lina: yeah?
Xellos: You get to keep Zel!
Zelgadis: [faints]
Za-chan: Hey, what about me?
Xellos: And for our runner up, Za-chan, you get
Za-chan: well?
Xellos: [jumps in her arms] me.
Za-chan: [evil glitter in the eyes as she drags Xellos off to play.]
Lina: Oh, I'm going to have FUN!
[Zel holds up a 'Help Me' sign as she pulls him off stage.]
Screen goes dark. Roll credits. Ending theme: Little Date from Ranma 1/2 (c) Rumiko Takahashi.