Magical Slayers Theatre 3000: Freed


Notes

navy = the document to be MiSTed.


(A pocket dimension, which basically consists of those weird backgrounds that appear from time to time during dramatic shots. Elizabeth sits before a keyboard and a disgustingly large - wide-screen tv large - monitor, tweaking the layout of slayfic.html for the umpteenth time.)

ZEL: For someone whose writing is mediocre at best, you certainly spend a lot of time playing around with how you present it.

(Elizabeth whirls around to find Zelgadiss and Lina looking at her, both with their arms crossed rather menacingly in front of their chests.)

ELIZABETH: Hi, Lina. Hi, Zel-kun. What're you two doing here?

ZEL: Revenge.

ELIZABETH: Come again?

LINA: Revenge. For how you mistreat Zel. You haven't been particularly nice to me of late, either.

ELIZABETH: Is it my fault my sadistic side's been dominant recently?

LINA & ZEL: Yes.

ELIZABETH: (frowns) So...revenge. How?

(Lina motions for Elizabeth to vacate her seat. The Trickster Priestess obliges, and Zel takes her spot. He types something, and an old email comes up:)

Subj: [slayfic] Freed (1/1) [dark]
Date: 1/31/99 9:15:59 PM Central Standard Time
From: NuitCoeur@aol.com
To: zellinaxeros@listbot.com

LINA: We're going to tell you just what we think of this story.

ELIZABETH:....oboy.

Slayers Fanatics! - http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Gulf/4007/index.html

LINA: This was the cue for the reader to forget the rest of the email and go read some good stuff at Sarah's page.

Just felt I should mention: I make use of a very lame plot device in this story

LINA: Like this is something new?

(you'll know it when you see it), so please REALLY suspend your disbelief.

ZEL: Again, like this is new?

__________
Freed

I hate her.

ZEL: That pretty much sums up how I feel about Metallium.

ELIZABETH: I love you, too, Stone Boy.

It's not as if I want to hate her, but someone has to. Everyone else loves her. Gourry-san, Xelloss-san, even Zelgadiss-san.

Especially Zelgadiss-san.

ELIZABETH: What, no cute remark, Zel-kun?

ZEL: (blushing) ....

ELIZABETH: (smirks) Thought so.

She does it on purpose, I'm sure of it. Teasing them, dangling them like puppets, keeping anyone else from having a chance. Like she keeps Gourry-san from poor Sheifyl-san.

LINA: Nice fragments there.

ELIZABETH: Okay, I have bad sentence structure, I admit it!

LINA: And bad spelling.

ZEL: And bad grammer.

LINA: And -

ELIZABETH: All right, already!

Like she keeps Zelgadiss-san from me.

LINA: Pshaw, like Amelia could ever get Zel in the first place.

ELIZABETH: (terribly depressed) I dunno. TPTB seem to think they make a good couple.

(All three make disgusted gagging sounds, for once in total agreement.)

Like right now: she and Gourry-san and Zelgadiss-san are close to the fire, speaking about something I can't quite catch. They don't even seem to notice I'm gone.

LINA: Of course we did, and we were enjoying every second of it.

This isn't the first time this has happened. For a long time, I had no idea why Zelgadiss-san and Gourry-san could be so unkind.

ZEL: Perhaps because you're annoying, clingy, and obsessive?

I finally figured it out, though. Lina has bewitched them.

LINA: Bewitched, huh?

ZEL: That would be the lame plot device, ne?

ELIZABETH: Yeah, yeah. Leave me alone.

I knew she was greedy and selfish,

LINA: Hey! (moves to bonk Elizabeth on the head, but the Trickster Priestess manages to dodge)

but it was still a shock to realise she was also manipulative and evil.

ELIZABETH: Not that there's anything wrong with that, as far as I'm concerned...

(Lina and Zel share a "gods-she's-scary" look.)

An enemy to Justice.

ZEL: Amelia mentions justice. Cliche number one.

It is my duty to end this wickedness, to free Zelgadiss-san - and Gourry-san and Xelloss-san, too - from Lina's evil magicks. I am nothing if not true to Justice.

LINA: Amelia acts all infatuated with Zel. Cliche number two.

There is a lull in the conversation.

LINA: As in, Elizabeth couldn't think of anything more to write, and needed a quick transition to the next bit.

ELIZABETH:....

Now is the time.

ZEL: Carpe diem.

ELIZABETH: Carpe noctum.

LINA: Carpe carp. And tuna and bass and...

"Lina-san?" I call, and she looks over at me. "Can I talk to you for a moment?"

"Sure," she replies with a shrug. So certain no one will ever figure her out. But I have ...

LINA: Have not! I'm inexplicable.

ZEL: (smiles) That's for certain.

"Alone," I add, when she makes no move to join me. "It's girl stuff."

(Zel blushes.)

LINA: "That time of the month." Cliche number three.

Gourry-san makes a face, and Zelgadiss-san blushes a little. I smile; soon my friends will be freed.

ELIZABETH: Yeah, when you die!

Lina hops up and joins me at the edge of the clearing where we've set up camp. "What is it?" she askes, with obviously fake kindness.

LINA: FAKE? Why that -

ZEL: Calm down, Lina. It's just a story.

LINA: (sighs) Hai.

I shake my head; we're still too close to the others.

ZEL: You do like semi-colons, don't you?

LINA: She must; she uses them all the time.

ZEL: This is true; indeed, most of her stories have semicolons used thusly.

ELIZABETH: What's wrong with liking semi-colons? Semi-colons are spiff!

(Zel mouths "spiff" with a perplexed expression.)

I walk into the forest, and she follows, calling after me in confusion.

I hate her.

LINA: You're repeating yourself.

ELIZABETH: I know! It's on purpose. A literary device, even.

(Lina rolls her eyes.)

Once we're sufficiently deep enough into the woods, I stop. Lina catches up, and glares. I smile at her.

"What's this all about?" she asks again, genuine impatience overshadowing the faux kindness in her tone.

LINA: How DARE she imply I'm acting -

ELIZABETH: Oh, like you never pretend to be at least civil when you want to Dragu Slave her butt back to Sailoon?

LINA: ... point taken.

"What do you know about bewitchments, Lina-san?"

ZEL: The Lame Plot Device Strikes Back.

I'm rather dissapointed when she looks only confused, not worried. Oh, well, I suppose she's had plenty of practice feigning innocence.

LINA: And "rather." What's with that?

ZEL: You use it rather frequently.

LINA: It sounds rather stuffy.

ELIZABETH: Suffit!

(Lina and Zel trade grins.)

"Why?"

LINA:...did you subject your fellow listians to this story?

"I just...need to know," I hedge. Just prove your knowledge, curse you!

"Well, there are minor bewitchments, which can be undone by any high-level cure spell. Then there are major bewitchments, which can be undone only by the caster."

ZEL: A principle makes an expository speech. Cliche number four.

"Or the caster's death?"

Now she looks suspicious. That's all right, it won't be long now.

LINA: There's yet another phrase you use a lot.

ZEL: Such as in Love-in-Idleness.

(Elizabeth shrugs: 'whatever'.)

"Yeah, or the caster's death or incapacitation, which disrupts the enchantment. Now tell me: why do you - "

We've been standing close to each other. It is a simple matter to move forward, draw my dagger, and sheath it in her stomach. She screams, but I'm not worried. Zelgadiss-san and Gourry-san will be glad I've freed them.

LINA: Can we say "delusional"?

ZEL & ELIZABETH: Delusional.

LINA: I knew that you could.

Her blood is warm and sticky and thicker than I expected. There is so much...!

ZEL: Just how do you know so much about blood, Metallium?

ELIZABETH: That is a secret. (ducks Lina's punch)

How dare she give me that look of betrayal! It was she who betrayed me, laughing in secret at all I stand for, and stealing away Zelgadiss-san!

ZEL: Tsk, you failed to use parallel structure.

(Ellizabeth grumbles.)

There is a rustling sound, and Zelgadiss-san reaches us. Well, that makes sense, since being a Chimera makes him very swift.

LINA: And Amelia is very swift, too.

ZEL: Yes, wonderful graps of the obvious she has.

He must want to thank me.

ZEL: HA!

Why are his eyes widening like that? Why is he looking at me with the same betrayal I saw in Lina's eyes?

Why is he looking at me with hatred?

ELIZABETH: Possibly because...he does hate you?

"What have you done?" I never realised how frightening Zelgadiss-san can sound. Why is he so upset?

ELIZABETH: Trying to kill the person a guy loves tends to make that guy upset.

(Zel blushes a little at the implication of Elizabeth's remark.)

"I freed you!" I try to explain. "Lina had you and Gourry-san and Xelloss-san bewitched!"

LINA: The Return of the Lame Plot Device.

ELIZABETH: Enough with the plays on Star Wars movie titles!

His eyes narrow, and he pushes me away from Lina, hard. I don't understand. He should be happy!

ZEL: I reiterate: HA!

He shouldn't be cradling that - that evil enchantress in his arms like that!

LINA: "Evil enchantress?"...well, that does sound much better than Dragon Spooker. I like it.

He's trying to stop the blood flow. Why? Isn't he glad to be free?

ZEL: I'd be glad if I was free of Amelia.

Gourry-san has arrived now. He looks totally shocked.

LINA: (sardonic) Gee, fancy that.

"Keep her - " Zegadiss-san jerks his head in my direction, " - away from Lina. Make sure she can do no more harm."

Now Gourry-san has that look of betrayal! Why can't he and Zelgadiss-san understand?

ELIZABETH: Poor insane thing. She's really lost it.

Lina is still concious. She's casting a healing spell, with Zelgadiss-san feeding her power.

ELIZABETH: Ah...oh, nevermind.

ZEL: Hentai.

(Elizabeth grins.)

No! The bewitcher still lives! But I must've broken the enchantment, she was certainly incapacitated...so why aren't Zelgadiss-san and Gourry-san thanking me, instead of tending to Lina?

ELIZABETH: Maybe because...they LOVE LINA?

ZEL: Which she seemed to understand at the beginning of this peice.

LINA: Oooh, selective amnesia. Another lame plot device.

ZEL: Or perhaps just sloppiness.

Now all of them are looking at me, as if I were some sort of dangerous animal they are considering killing.

ZEL: ...actually...

LINA: ...if it were "annoying animal"...

I run. I don't hear the sound of pursuit; Zelgadiss-san and Gourry-san are probably still fussing over Lina.

ELIZABETH: Well, duh.

I hate her.

(Elizabeth glares at her companions, daring them to mock her literary device. They decide it isn't worth the bother and say nothing.)

My legs ache and my throat burns, and I consider resting a moment. I trip over something, and remain where I've fallen. Okay, I will rest a moment. I just need to catch my breath.

ZEL: That was one of the most convoluted paragraphs I've ever read.

"Konban wa, Amelia-san." Xelloss-san! Surely he will be glad I freed him!

LINA: Insertion of random japanese for no good reason. Cliche number five.

"There are some things I will not tolerate," he says brightly. "Those who interfere with my plans, and those who interfere with what is mine, being among the highest on the list."

ELIZABETH: Okay, I know! It's a poorly contructed sentence! Just lay off.

I breathe a sigh of relief. I was right; he's angry with Lina now, because her bewitchment interfered with his plans.

"You have done both, by nearly killing Lina-chan."

ZEL: (frowns) "Lina-chan."

ELIZABETH: It's a term of endearment. Get over it, Zel-kun.

What?! Has the whole world gone mad?

LINA: Nope, just you.

He raises one hand, and I see what he holds: my dagger, the one I'd just tried to kill the bewitcher with. There is still blood on it, not entirely dried. How did he get it?

ZEL: Yes, how did he get it?

ELIZABETH: ......

ZEL: Humph.

"And that," he cheerfully states, "I will not allow."

He throws the knife and I think I cry out as it embeds itself in my stomach. I claw at the knife, but I'm suddenly weak, and cannot remove it. There is so much blood...

...i hate her...

-end-

ZEL & LINA: Praise L-sama!

__________
There is a hypertext version of this document avaiable at http://members.tripod.com/~Metallium/freed.html

LINA: Isn't that a little...superfulous?

ELIZABETH: No, the hypertext version's easier to read.

LINA: So why didn't you just send the URL, or at least put it at the beginning of the email?

ELIZABETH:....

The main reason I wrote this is because, after writing "Inferno," I thought,

ZEL: You thought? Wow, a red-letter day.

ELIZABETH: Low blow, Stone Boy.

ZEL: After what you've put me through, do you blame me?

ELIZABETH: Well, no.

"Hey, Zel's been a villian, in canon. How about making a 'totally good' character the villian?"

LINA: S'funny. I didn't think an incredibly annoying character qualified as "totally good."

ELIZABETH: I meant good as in doesn't do villianous things.

LINA: You should've been more specific, then.

ELIZABETH: Now you two are just nit-picking.

LINA: Well...yeah, we are.

ELIZABETH: The story's over -

ZEL & LINA: Praise L-sama.

ELIZABETH: (glares) - so how about you let me get back to my coding?

LINA: (shrugs) Sure. Ja!

(The two disappear. Elizabeth takes her seat again. She looks thoughful a moment, then opens a word processing program.)

ELIZABETH: MSTie me, will they? (grins very evilly) Well, I suppose I'll have to prove to them the truth of the statement "turnabout is fair play; payback's a bitch."

(She starts typing gleefully, then gives an Evil Laugh.)

ELIZABETH: Oh yes, payback's a bitch...and so am I.


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