navy = the document to be MiSTed.
(The funky-anime-backgrounds pocket dimension. Elizabeth is looking over some papers when Xelloss appears.)
XELLOSS: Greetings.
ELIZABETH: (setting aside the papers) Ah, Xelloss! Wonderful.
XELLOSS: For what reason did you ask me here?
ELIZABETH: I thought you might want to be a part of Mission: Make Zel-kun Blush as Often as Possible.
XELLOSS: (smirks) Indeed I would.
ELIZABETH: (hands the papers to Xelloss) Here, read this. I'll be using it to torment Zel-kun.
XELLOSS: (scans the papers, quirks a brow) You have quite the twisted sense of humour, ne?
ELIZABETH: I try.
XELLOSS: Whereever did you get the idea?
ELIZABETH: Er...from a jar of pickles, actually. Now, just a few more things...
(She disappears into a purplish background, then reemerges from a blue background, holding a shoebox, a rolled-up poster-like object, and a notepad and pen. She sets the shoebox and poster-thing near the Obscenely Large Monitor.)
XELLOSS: Are those...?
ELIZABETH: But of course.
(They share frighteningly similar evil grins.)
ELIZABETH: Now...
(Lina and Zel appear, still lying on their respective berolls.)
XELLOSS: May I?
ELIZABETH: By all means, have at.
(Xelloss bends over Lina and kisses her deeply. Her eyes fly open and she screeches, then proceeds to beat him into the non-existant ground. This noise wakes up Zel, who looks around him.)
ZEL: Oh, no, not -
ELIZABETH: Hiya, Zel-kun! Didja miss me?
ZEL: Oh, gods, why me?
LINA: (pausing her Xelloss-beating) What's wrong, Zel?
(He motions at the grinning Trickster Priestess.)
LINA: Oh. (abadons the Xelloss-bashing and walks over to Zel)
ELIZABETH: Why Zel-kun, the way you're acting, I'd almost think you weren't happy to see me.
ZEL: I'm most definitely not happy to see you! (winces as he realises that maybe that wasn't the world's brightest thing to say at this point)
LINA: (confirming Zel's suspcion) Great, Zel, you picked a helluva time to pull a Gourry.
ZEL: (blushing slightly) Gomen, Lina.
(Xelloss recovers and rejoins the little others.)
ELIZABETH: (pulls out the notepad and writes a tally mark) One.
LINA: One what?
ELIZABETH & XELLOSS: Oh, nothing important.
ZEL: Oh gods, tricksters in stereo.
ELIZABETH: That sounds like the name of a high-school garage band. Have we been insulted?
XELLOSS: I think we just may have.
(Zel and Lina share apprehensive looks.)
ELIZABETH: Then it's only fair that we seek some sort of retribution.
XELLOSS: Yes, only fair.
LINA: Retribution?
XELLOSS: Don't fret, Lina-chan; Elizabeth's annoyed at Zel, not you.
(Zel drops his head into his hand.)
ELIZABETH: (smiles at Lina) Right, I'm not at all mad at you.
LINA: (sotto voce) That makes one of us.
ELIZABETH: (unfazed) Zel-kun, on the other hand...well, I think I should thank you properly for the unkind way you've treated Xelloss and me this evening.
ZEL: (mutters to himself) Hell. I am in hell.
ELIZABETH: If you'd do the honours, Xelloss...?
XELLOSS: But of course.
(Xelloss walks over to the keyboard, types something, and another of Elizabeth's painfully mediocre stories appears on the Obscenely Large Monitor.)
Pickles
ZEL: I can't believe you admit to writing this stuff.
(Elizabeth shrugs.)
Warning: this is rather citrus-like. Do not read if you're
too young, or are easily offended.
----------------------------------------------------
by Elizabeth, Trickster Priestess
ZEL: In that case -
ELIZABETH: Forget it, Zel-kun. You don't have a choice.
LINA: Citrus-like? What's that?
XELLOSS: I'll explain it to you in depth later, Lina-chan.
ZEL: Like HELL you will!!
ELIZABETH: A-HEM! Retournons-nous a nos moutons.
MINNA (sans Elizabeth): Pardon?
ELIZABETH: It's a french saying. Literally translated, it means "let's get back to our sheep." In use, it means "let's return to the business at hand."
MINNA (sans Elizabeth): .....
Lina, Gourry, and Amelia were in a feeding frenzy and Zelgadiss was sipping a hot beverage. Basically, it was an average dinner.
LINA: Are you insulting my eating habits?
ELIZABETH: No, just trying to portray them as accuratly as possible.
LINA:...oh.
At least, that was what Zel had thought, until Lina suddenly slowed her pace. He looked at her curiously as she spotted a large glass jar and grabbed it, just as Gourry was reaching for it.
ZEL: A glass jar? What - ?
XELLOSS: You'll see soon enough.
(Zel growls.)
"These are MINE!" Lina informed the swordsman with a look that says "try to take it and I'll feed you your spleen."
XELLOSS: That's my Lina-chan. She won't accept -
(Xelloss is cut of as Lina thwacks him upside the head.)
LINA: I'm not yours!!
Gourry blinked, then chose something else and continued devouring his dinner.
LINA: Gourry, catching a clue?
ZEL: Isn't that out-of-character?
ELIZABETH: Nah, it wasn't intelligence, just basic survival instincts.
ZEL: I repeat, isn't that out-of-character?
ELIZABETH: (considers all the times Gourry's said something to Lina that could've gotten him killed) Point taken.
"What is that?" Zel asked her before she could go back into eating mode.
LINA: "Eating mode"?
ELIZABETH:...okay, so it's a stupid phrase.
"Pickles!" Lina replied gleefully. "I love pickles!"
LINA: Actually, I do really like pickles.
XELLOSS: Do you really, Lina-chan? Well, in that case, I -
ELIZABETH: Save it for after the story, Xelloss.
XELLOSS: (pouts) Spoilsport.
'What so special about cucumbers soaked in brine?'
ZEL: "What so special"? I speak ebonics now?
ELIZABETH: (sweatdrops) It's a typo. No one's perfect. (sees Zel's expression) Don't even say it.
Zel wanted to ask, but didn't. He had no desire to be fed any of his internal organs.
ELIZABETH: (sighs) Lina is just so...so...amazing! Ne?
(Xelloss and Zel both nod enthusiastically. Lina blinks rapidly, then blushes a bit.)
The jar was large by normal standards, but by Lina standards it was nothing. Zel estimated it would take approximately twenty seconds for Lina to finish off the entire jarful.
ZEL: I sense a "however" coming on.
Having finished his coffee, Zel turned to watch Lina eat in order to pass the time.
LINA: Oh, please, like Zel would really do that.
ZEL:.....(blushes)
ELIZABETH: (smirks) You were saying...? (pulls out the notepad, writes another tally mark) Two...
He was more than a little startled when he saw Lina simply contemplating a rather large pickle she held in her bare hand.
ZEL: Lina? Eating slowly?
ELIZABETH: (deadpan) It's the end of the world as we know it.
(A super-deformed version of R.E.M. appears.)
SD R.E.M.: (singing) It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fiiiiiiine...
(SD R.E.M. vanishes. Everyone blinks in tandem.)
ELIZABETH: O-kay, moving on...
Lina noticed Zel staring and asked, "What?"
XELLOSS: Actually, he's -
ELIZABETH: Shh! Don't spoil it!
"I'm just surprised that you're not eating, since you say
you love those things so much."
Lina sniffed. "You can't just eat a pickle, Zel. There's a
certain way you go about it."
ELIZABETH: And people really do eat pickles the way she'll describe, so I don't want to hear anything about that being implausible.
"Oh?" Zel's lips quirked with amusement. "And what is this
'certain way'?"
"Just watch; I'll show you."
This should be amusing. "All right."
(Elizabeth and Xelloss trade covert smirks: 'this will be amusing.')
Lina grinned and turned her attention back to the pickle in
her hand.
"First," Lina said, still looking at the pickle, "you have to
lick all the extra brine off."
LINA: Yeah, that's true. Otherwise things get all messy.
XELLOSS: Funny you should say "messy"...
LINA: Why's that?
ELIZABETH: Wait and see. You can have Zel-kun explain it.
(Zel gets a very very bad feeling.)
Lina proceeded to lick the pickle, her small pink tongue a
stark contrast to the green.
Zel swallowed hard.
(Zel, too, swallows hard, getting an inkling of where this is going.)
Amusing is not the word for this, he thought. He glanced over at the other occupants of the table; they were still engrossed in their food.
XELLOSS: A lucky thing for Zel-kun, ne?
ELIZABETH: He should just be grateful he wears that cloak...
"There." Lina licked her lips, "Next, you take a small bite
off the top - " Lina did just that " - and you suck out the juice."
Zel stiffened
ELIZABETH: Take that however you want to...
as Lina happily drained the pickle. Despite the noise Gourry and Amelia were making, he could still hear the soft sucking noises Lina made, the occasional "yum" or "mmm." He tried very very hard not to picture her doing that same thing, though not with a pickle, and failed miserably.
(Zel is blushing a startlingly bright red. Elizabeth pulls out the notepad and marks another tally.)
ELIZABETH: Three...
LINA: (looking at Zel with a mix of curiosity and concern) What's wrong, Zel? What's so embarassing about pickles?
(Zel just shakes his head.)
XELLOSS: (mutters, to Elizabeth) He'd better be blushing with embarassment ...
Lina pulled the now slightly limp pickle from her mouth.
"Then - "
Zel stood suddenly. "I have to go. Now," he said quickly,
then dashed off.
(Elizabeth and Xelloss stare at Zel, smirking. He looks the floor, still incredibly red. Lina continues to look confused.)
Lina watched him go with confusion, as did the swordsman and the princess when they noticed Zel retreating towards his room.
ELIZABETH: Which is significant...(winks at Zel)
(Zel emits what sounds suspiciously like a whimper of dispair and studies his boots.)
"What got into him?" Lina wondered aloud.
ELIZABETH: Well -
ZEL: DON'T SAY IT!!!
ELIZABETH: (mildly) Fine.
She looked at her
companions, who merely shrugged and returned to their meals.
After a moment, Lina shrugged also, and went back to her pickles.
-end-
LINA: (blinks) I don't get it. (looks at the still-blushing Zel) And what's with you?
ELIZABETH: Tsk, tsk, Zel-kun's having impure thoughts.
ZEL: (glares) I am not -
ELIZABETH: Then why are you blushing?
ZEL: Because you...because she...because...(trails off)
ELIZABETH: That's what I thought.
XELLOSS: (in a scarily sweet tone) You are blushing from embarassment, ne, Zel-kun, and not something else?
ZEL: (quickly) Of course!
(Xelloss frowns.)
ELIZABETH: (smirks) Suuuure, Zel-kun, whatever you say.
LINA: (getting pissed) I want to know what you three are talking about!
MINNA (sans Lina): Nothing!
LINA: "Nothing" my ass!
ELIZABETH: I'll explain it when you're older.
XELLOSS: (smiles sensuously at Lina) Or, if you'd prefer, I could explain it now.
LINA: Yeah, I -
ZEL: Not on your life, you hentai mazoku!
LINA: (blinks) Hentai?
XELLOSS: (scowls) We'll see about that.
ELIZABETH: ENOUGH!!
(Everyone looks at her with varying degrees of hostility.)
ELIZABETH: You three cut it out or I'll stick you (points at Zel) in a small, locked room with Amelia, you (points at Xelloss) in a sensory deprivation chamber, and you (points at Lina) in an airplane, where even you couldn't eat the food. Understand??
MINNA (sans Elizabeth): Yes.
ELIZABETH: (takes a deep breath) Ah, I feel better. Bully for me.
ZEL: (mutters) "Bully" is right.
ELIZABETH: Oh, Lina-chan, I meant to ask...
LINA: "Lina-chan"? Uh-oh...
ELIZABETH: Did Zel-kun continue his stripping act when I sent you two back?
LINA: Er....(blushes)
ZEL:....(blushes brightly)
(Xelloss glares at Zel.)
ELIZABETH: (marks another tally) Four.
XELLOSS: (dangerously) Just what did you do, Zelgadiss Greywords?
(Zel mumbles something.)
ELIZABETH: Come again?...oops, bad word choice.
ZEL: HENTAI!
ELIZABETH: Yes I am. Now answer the question.
ZEL: I...(blushs big-time) don't really remember all that well...
ELIZABETH: (marks yet another tally) Five.
XELLOSS: You better not have touched my Lina-chan...
ELIZABETH: Lina, what did happen?
LINA: Um...(blushes to match her eyes) Zel sorta... took off, um, his pants...
(Xelloss, livid, attempts to attack Zel. Elizabeth whispers something to him first, and he calms down a little. Zel is apparently trying to see how many different shades of red stone can blush.)
ELIZABETH: After he took off his pants, what happened?
LINA: He passed out.
(Zel breathes a sigh of relief. Xelloss loses the murderous look he'd been sporting - well, mostly loses it.)
ELIZABETH: (sighs) Pity I missed it. Well, at least I have...(grabs the poster-thing and unrolls it, revealing it to be a poster-sized picture of a shirtless Zel) THIS!!
ZEL: (still blushing) Gaaah!
LINA:.....(blushes)
XELLOSS: Humph.
ELIZABETH: (sighs happily) Lovely, isn't it? And I made plenty of wallet-sized copies to give to all my Zelophile friends.
ZEL: Why do you hate me so much?
ELIZABETH: Hate you? I don't hate you. In fact, I adore you. Not as much as I adore Lina-chan, but...
XELLOSS: (pouts) What about me?
ELIZABETH: Oh, I adore you, too, and you know it.
ZEL: If you don't hate me, then why do you torment me?
XELLOSS: Why, to show you she likes you, of course.
(Elizabeth nods.)
ZEL: How very...mazoku-like.
ELIZABETH: Mazoku-like? Pshaw, mazoku don't always torment the object of their affections, ne, Xelloss?
XELLOSS: Very true. (grins wickedly, eyeing Lina, who is pointedly not looking at either the poster of Zel or the Chimera himself)
ELIZABETH: In fact...(glances at Xelloss and nods slightly)
(Xelloss' grin widens, and he glomps Lina, managing to give her another rather passionate kiss before she punches him a good distance away.)
ELIZABETH:...they also tend to be affectionate, ne?
XELLOSS: (in a heap some distance away) Whenever possible.
(Elizabeth notices Zel glaring at Xelloss.)
ELIZABETH: Aw, poor Zel-kun, you jealous? You want a turn, too?
(Zel splutters. Xelloss makes a miraculous recovery and rejoins the group, looking sourly at both Zel and Elizabeth. Lina is...blushing.)
ELIZABETH: Whaddya say, Lina? Fair's fair, ne?
LINA: .....
ELIZABETH: Great! I'll take that as a "yes."
(She none-too-gently pushes Lina toward Zel. Lina is unable to stop and runs into him.)
ELIZABETH: Well? C'mon.
XELLOSS: (scowling rather frighteningly) What do you think you are doing?
ELIZABETH: Must you ask? (to Lina and Zel) Well, let's go, you two!
(Lina and Zel just stare at each other, blushing [what else?].)
ELIZABETH: (marks yet another tally) Six. Tell you what: you share a proper kiss - that means on the lips, you two - then I'll send you back.
LINA: Um....
ZEL: Er....
ELIZABETH: If you don't, I'll keep you two here...
ZEL: (to Lina) It seems we don't have much choice.
LINA: (sighs, to Zel) I guess not.
(Rather shyly, he bends down. Their lips touch and...they vanish.)
ELIZABETH: (marks a another tally) I think I can safely say that will be blush number seven. (notices Xelloss glaring at her) Oh, come on, surely that didn't surprise you?
XELLOSS: I didn't surprise me, it dissapointed me. Amoungst other things.
ELIZABETH: (rolls eyes) Anyway, much as I wanted to see those two kiss, I did it so they'd have to explain just what they were doing to their friends. (smirks) Amelia's gonna have a heart attack.
XELLOSS: Indeed, that may be rather amusing. I think I'll go witness it.
ELIZABETH: And make sure nothing waffy happens, ne?
(Xelloss nods, then vanishes. Elizabeth retrieves the shoebox she'd set beside the Obscenely Large Monitor. Unsurprisingly, it's filled with wallet-sized photos of shirtless Zel. There's also a minature notebook. Elizabeth flips through it: it is filled with names of Zelophiles.)
ELIZABETH: Now, let the distribution begin! After all, I'll have to top seven blushes next time Zel-kun comes over to play...
-end...for the moment, at least-