"No! NO! I am NOT wearing that!!"
"Aww, come on, it'll be fine!!"
"NO!!!"
"As a newly appointed fairy godmother - "
"Godfather."
"Now you sound like a gangster or something."
"I am not a female!!!"
"Fine, fine, you're a fairy god-PERSON, okay?"
"I'm not a fairy, either."
"WILL YOU SHUT UP!!!"
"No."
"Fine, you're a elven godperson, okay?"
"Unless I find a hidden meaning I don't like."
"Can you please wear the uniform?"
"IT'S A DRESS!!!"
"It's worn by all employed!!"
"I'm the only male!! And I refuse to wear a dress!"
"But it's what's DONE!!" The poor paper-pusher for godmothers anonymous was having an awful time. The newly trained and employed fairy godmother was not exactly what you would call cheerful, jolly, or eager to help. He was...grumpy. Sulky. And altogether too temperamental.
But there was a shortage in workers, so they had to hire everyone applying.
"PLEASE wear the uniform!"
"How many times do I have to tell you, NO!" The youth shook his lavender hair violently, his diamond eyes flashing dangerously. The poor man backed up and swallowed hard.
"Um...I'll just...go adjust it, shall I?"
"You do that."
Lina Inverse yawned and sat up. She really hated mornings. Really, really, really hated them. There was not thing she hated more than mornings.
"CINDERLINA!!!!"
Well, maybe a few things...she hastily got dressed and went upstairs.
"Yes, Gracia?" She muttered. She was getting really, really tired of this. Damn them, putting this spell on her during that time of the month! Ohhh, she'd get them back, she would....she couldn't do ANY magic now, except maybe a small light spell.
She was stuck on her period permanently, or until the spell was removed.
Now, all you girls out there know the hell she was going through. Even if you don't loose your magic, you know what a pain it is. But, for you males, I shall enlighten you.
It is one of the worst things to ever be put upon womankind, aside from pregnancy and childbirth. Truth, having a kid is a wonderful thing, having life growing inside of you is certainly a nice thought, but YOU big, macho, important boys try fitting something the size of a watermelon through a hole the size of a peach and see how nice YOU feel afterwards.
Anyway, now she was stuck on an eternal period. Which meant she couldn't fireball her sisters, Martina and Gracia, when they made her work. Rrrrg...They both deserved to die...and her mother was such a weirdo...Cinderlina could never figure her out.
"Cinderlina, go sweep up the dirt on the road!!"
"What the...why, mom???"
"It's a secret!!"
The Fairy -
"AHEM!!!"
Ah, elven godperson,
"Good."
- went up to the door of the cottage his client was supposed to live in. After screaming himself hoarse at the ridiculous outfit they finally made him wear, he had been given directions to this cottage. He glared at it. Cottage? More like a five family apartment...
He sighed and raised a hand to knock on the door.
A bucket of dirty, soap water hit him full in the face, followed by a round of muttering and cursing. He stood still, too shocked to react.
A red-haired girl holding a bucket gave him a startled look. "OOPS! Damn, I'm sorry!! I swear I didn't mean to do that, mr...er...miss... uh...."
The fairy -
"A-HEM!!!!"
- elven godperson Counted slowly to ten...then, when that didn't work, tried it again.
"Are you a guy?"
Calm...calm...
"Oh, if not, I'm terribly sorry, miss!!"
He wasn't supposed to kill his clients...
"Wow, and you're short, too, I don't know how the pail of water hit you, I'm sure I tossed up and out..."
To hell with it. The fairy -
"AHEEEEEMMMM!!!!"
Elven godperson got ready a very large spell ready to blow this stupid little twit -
"I'm not a stupid little twit!"
Extremely lovely and obviously talented -
"Better."
- person off the face of the earth.
"Hey, why don't you come in and have some coffee."
But it could wait. He thanked the girl, and stepped inside.
Cinderlina stared at the young...uhhh....person, who had so far sucked down two pots of coffee and was working on the third with no signs of slowing. Boy oh boy is he going to have a caffeine rush... And how was she going to explain the sudden loss of coffee to her mom?
"So...um...who exactly are you?" She started, still unsure of whether this was a boy or a girl.
"My name is Zelgadis." The person said quietly.
"Ummm....what's with all the sequins? And satin?" Cinderlina had to ask. It was scary, he was practically a lamp with all the sparkles.
Zelgadis looked at the sparkly, sleeveless tunic, satin breeches and suede boots. All were varying shades of pink, with a lavender, billowing linen shirt under it all, embroidered with pink metallic thread. He sighed. "You should have seen what my employer WANTED me to wear. It was much worse."
Cinderlina snorted. "How could anything be worse than that?"
"It was a dress."
Cinderlina just stared. She swallowed.
"Are you a prostitute or something?"
Zelgadis fell flat on his face with a crash, breaking the table in two and knocking his chair into the bookshelf. He slowly pulled himself up with great dignity, righted the chair, sat in it, and motioned for Cinderlina to come closer.
She edged forward slowly. "Yes?"
"Closer."
She moved forward. "Yes?"
"Clooooser."
She moved so she was right next to him with her face near his. "Yes?"
"NO I AM NOT A PROSTITUTE!!!!" He bellowed into her ear. She fell over.
Cinderlina righted herself and rubbed her ear. She pouted. "You didn't have to go and do that," She muttered. "I only asked a simple question."
"It was considerably rude and assuming." He replied stiffly, putting the final nail into the table to fix it.
Cinderlina leapt forward and stared at the table. She couldn't find a sign that it had ever been broken. "Wooooah!!" She exclaimed, latching onto his arm. "How'd you do that? How how how how how??" She demanded.
"Gah! Get off!!" He yelled, tossing her away. He brushed off his clothes, loosing a few sparkles in the process and not really caring. "I'm special like that."
Cinderlina nodded knowingly. "Ahhh, I see. You're some rich lady's pet sorcerer/sorceress."
Zelgadis Clenched his fists, ground his teeth, and counted to ten. Then twenty. Then counted back down again. "I. Am. A. Guy." He said slowly. "And. I. Am. Not. A. Pet. Sorcerer."
"Then what are you?"
"Mind your own business."
Cinderlina turned to a knock on the door. "Hmm? Hold on a sec, be right back." She hurried out to the front door.
At the threshhold was a young, muscular man with black hair and a pack. He also had an umbrella.
"Um...excuse me, but which way is Furinkan High School?"
"......" Lina managed.
Okay, he was here. What now? Zelgadis sat and thought while hearing the girl say something along the lines of, ‘WRONG ANIME YOU DOLT!!!' and kick something in the distance. He swirled his spoon in his coffee and pondered.
Let's see. My checklist is to dress her up pretty, give her a ride, get her to marry the prince, get rid of her family, and have her live happily ever after. How am I going to do this? The prince hasn't given a ball for two years, and when he did he forgot to attend!
Zelgadis didn't have much more time to think, because Cinderlina came back dusting off her hands and muttering something about idiots with bandanas.
Mental note: Do not do stupid things around this girl.
"Where were we?" He asked politely.
"How you were going to give me a pound of gold in return for the coffee."
"I sure as hell was NOT!!"
"Can't blame a girl for trying, can you?"
"Yes."
Lina harumphed and turned, shoulders shaking. "Well, fine. My mother is going to come home and find that all of the coffee is gone, and it was the expensive kind that costs twice as much as the usual, and - "
"I'm not buying it."
"Who are you, anyway?"
Zelgadis paused. "I'm your elven godperson."
"You mean like a fairy godmother?"
"I am not female!!!"
Lina nodded. "So THAT'S why you have to wear the fruity costume."
"Shut up!"
"So you are going to get me to marry a rich and handsome prince and ride off in the sunset with lots of money?" Cinderlina asked, stars in her eyes. "Do I get to blow up my family??"
Zelgadis shrugged. "Not like I care, but the modern versions just sort of have the family fade into the background instead of chopping off their feet and getting their eyes gouged out."
"What?"
"The original version of Cinderella had the sisters cut off their own toes and heels to fit their feet into the slipper, and then they had their eyes pecked out by doves."
Cinderlina turned green. "Ummm...How about we skip that part?"
"Fine by me. Extra work anyway."
Cinderlina shrugged. "So. How, exactly, are we going to get me married to a rich, handsome, rich, charming, rich, loving, rich - "
"I get the point!!"
"Anyway, how are we going to get me married to him?" Cinderlina asked.
Zelgadis snorted. "It's supposed to be magical and top secret fairy business - "
"Meaning you don't know."
"Shut up!"
"I suppose the usual thing is to meet him at a ball, and he falls instantly in love with me." She flipped her hair.
"Yeah, but usually the cindergirls tend to have more of a figure than you."
"HEY!"
He shrugged. "But a little love spell makes everything okay."
"I don't need a love spell!"
"Suuuuuuuure you don't. Even idiots like the prince don't just marry the first girl they meet unless she's drop-dead gorgeous. And who would really want to marry someone like that?" He shrugged. "Oh well, I guess it's better than sitting around in the ashes."
"Almost anything is better than that."
Zelgadis sighed. "I guess I have to go convince the prince to have a ball. I hate this."
"How much are you paid?"
He told her.
"DAMN!! I'd dress up like a sailor scout for that much!!"
"Yeah, well. It's not what I'm used to, but it's easier wining wars and making princesses fall in love with you."
"What are you usually?"
"I think I was Odysseus a few times...I was a prince more than I can count..."
"So you're usually a hero."
"Yeah. But they don't want the smart, problem solving heroes anymore. They want the stupid, charming, anything-for-love idiots instead, to go with the blonde, brainless, senseless princesses." He sighed. "I hate this, I really do."
"SO that's why you're a fairy - "
"Ahem."
" - elven godperson."
"Exactly."
"So I get a newbie to arrange my lifelong happiness and future??"
"Hey!" Zelgadis exclaimed, annoyed, "It's not like it's brain surgery. All I have to do is get you to the ball in a nice dress, cast a love spell, get rid of your steps and it's over!"
"I don't want to be stuck with an amateur!" She crossed her arms and glared.
"Well, too bad!" Zelgadis was quickly losing his temper. "You don't rate a pro! You're not a) nice enough, b) Hourglass figured, and c) braindead!"
"HEY!"
"Okay, okay! So you are braindead!"
"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!"
"Anyway, I need to be off, making that plowhorse of a prince give a ball. Ta ta." He tipped an imaginary hat and dissapeared.
"Hmph. Showoff."