navy - document to be MSTed
This MST was not done for the purpose of insulting the author, the series, or even... I'll think of something. It was done simply because the author... Harukami... is insane. SHE WAS EVEN GIVEN PERMISSION!!!! MWA HA HA HA!!!
The scene opens in a small room with many seats, a projector, and a lava pit in one corner bubbling away happily - assuming lava could be happy. Funky Music begins to play. A Mysterious Figure stands at the front of the room, shadowed, speaking in a Mysterious Voice.
Mysterious Figure: Welcome to the Island. Never hope to excape. Never hope for relief. Never hope, period. In the immortal words of that really neat guy, Dante, "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."
The camera pulls back to reveal a beautiful woman in what can barely be called a dress sitting in one of the seats, munching on popcorn, her feet propped up on the seat ahead of her. She has long white hair, chocolate-coloured hair, and an annoyed expression. YES! It is Beastmaster Xelas Metallium!
Xelas: throws popcorn at the Mysterious Figure JUST GET ON WITH IT, XELLOSS! she munches on some more popcorn Sheesh, you'd think he thought he was running this show.
Mysterious Figure AKA Xelloss: coughs and steps out of the shadows Yes. Right. Um, anyway, this is just being hosted here on Wolf Pack Island at Harukami-chan's request.
Xelas: Xelloss... who ARE you talking to?
Xelloss: points at the readers Them.
Xelas: You are a weird little man.
Xelloss: Thank you, Juuou-sama.
Xelas: Of course. tilts her head, listening It appears Harukami-chan has arrived with the vict - er, guests. she smiles a truly evil smile
Xelloss: Goody gumdrops! he heads to a seat, and waves as Harukami ushers in Valgarv, Lina, Zelgadis, and Amelia... in chains. Hi guys! Glad you could make it!
Valgarv: *$(#)@(%*@*()$*(*!!!!!
Xelloss: Nice to see you too, Val! blows Valgarv a kiss
Valgarv: FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE!
Xelloss: Please?
Amelia: This is unfair! We didn't do anything wrong!
Zelgadis: That's never stopped Harukami before. Nor Xelloss, come to think of it.
Lina: struggling Let us go! FIRE -
Harukami: slaps a ward on Lina's forehead And that's enough of that, Lina-chan! shakes head You'd think I was going to torture you or something. That isn't in today's schedule, at all.
Lina: So what is?
Harukami: pulls out some videotapes I just want you to watch these and comment on them.
Zelgadis: Let me see if I'm reading you right; you want us to MST a fic?
Amelia: Oh no... no... no... not again...
Harukami: brightly That's right! Li Walker sent this little gift for us! It's only right.
Zelgadis: That's it. I'm out of here. gets up to leave, to be stopped by the chain around his ankle Damn...
Harukami: I'm afraid I can't have any of you leaving until this fic's done. It's okay. You can all go free after that. I promise! hides crossed fingers behind back
Lina: Oh.... all right! But just this once. glares And only if you remove this ward from my forehead.
Harukami: Afterward.
Valgarv: And remove these ()@$* chains from us! I feel like a trussed chicken!
Xelas: How ironic. blows smoke ring You look like one.
Valgarv: YOU BITCH!
Xelas: I have been arguing with your master for more millenia then you've been alive. Don't start with me, boy.
Harukami: People, please! waves hands Calm vibes! Calm vibes!
Amelia: Please, Harukami-san, the chains! They're so heavy and ... she sinks down and blushes embarrassing...
Harukami: All right. For you, Amelia. snaps her fingers, and the chains disappear
Amelia sits up and rubs her neck. Meanwhile, Zelgadis, Lina, and Valgarv are making a beeline for the door... which slams shut and clicks.
Valgarv: Oh fuck.
Lina: DAMNIT!
Zelgadis: aggrivated sigh
Harukami: I SAID after the fic! shakes head People these days! smiles at Amelia, moves very close, and purrs in her ear Thank you for staying, Amelia-chan.
Amelia: shrinks away, eyebrow twitching and facefaulting Y-yeah.
Lina: I think I'm going to be sick.
Harukami: phazes in beside Lina Don't worry, Lina-chan! It's well-written, and not yaoi or yuri or lemon even!
Zelgadis: I don't trust you.
Valgarv: swears
Harukami: I wish you people WOULD trust me for once. Jeez. Siddown, guys. It's not going any faster.
People reluctantly take their seats
Harukami: We're also being joined by Xelloss and Juuou-sama.
Xelloss: HIYA!
Xelas: Anyone got a light? waves unlit cigarette
Everyone except Xelloss moves a few seats further away from the Dark Lord
Xelloss: offers her a light
Xelas: Mmmm... takes a long drag Goodness.
Harukami: YAY! slides the tape in, flicks the light, and... the credits begin to roll...
Xelloss: Methinks someone's been watching too much dubbed Please Save My Earth. ^_^
Harukami: It IS also a normal child's tune, you know, Xel.
Zelgadis: slight sigh That's 'Husha, Husha'.
Amelia: I always liked that song. Sorta confusing though.
Xelas: It's based around what happened to everyone during plagues. Husha and Ashes are both right... husha to let people die in peace and Ashes because they burned the bodies to keep the plague from spreading. The ring around the rosy is the raised ridge around the pox. Pocket full of posies is for the flowers laid on peoples graves. All fall down should be fairly obvious. smiles dreamily and takes another long drag on her cigarette
Amelia:.......oh.
uncomfortable silence
Ring around the rosy
Lina: And kids sing this for fun. The world is even sicker than I imagined.
Xelloss: But so much more fun because of it!!
Valgarv: Asshole.
Xelloss: You keep talking about that. ^_^ I wonder where YOUR mind is!
Valgarv: ACK! falls off his seat
Amelia: faint voice Ew...
Zelgadis: I thought this wasn't yaoi?
Harukami: I can't stop Xelloss from being weird. Xelloss being weird is normal.
Lina: Weird is normal? Weird.
Xelas: No, normal.
Amelia: I'm confused.
He was my friend.
He was my friend and she killed him.
Killed him.
Lina: Well, that wasn't very nice of 'her'! This girl's GOTTA have problems, to have killed 'him' like that.
Xelloss: Yes, Lina. ^_^ Problems. ^_^
Lina: What're you smiling about?
Xelloss: Oh... nothing. ^_^
Murder.
Murderer.
She was a murderer.
Xelloss: Oooh, that's kinda catchy. pulls a microphone out of nowhere "MURDER! MURDERER!.... SHE - WAS A MURDERERRRRRR!!!!"
people scream and dive for cover from the horrifying caterwauling
Xelas: pained look on her face, she pulls out a handy whip and passes it to Xelloss For that ill-timed torture, give yourself fourty lashings.
Xelloss:... yes, Juuou-sama.
He was all I had...and she murdered him.
I was ten then....ten years old.
Then I found him.
Innocent.
Trustworthy.
Lonely.
I had no friends.
No family.
All the children were too old to play with me...or too young.
I was always alone.
Amelia: The author certainly has a distinctive writing style.
Valgarv: sarcastically Yes, she likes to write. Write in fucking short sentances. To improve. Drama.
Harukami: wags finger No. None. No author slights. No author slights at all.
Lina: Harukami, you're talking like that.
Harukami: Wha - DOH!
Creeling in hunger.
Amelia: Is 'Creeling' a real word?
Xelloss: OW! ^_^ OW! ^_^ OW! ^_^ OW! ^_^ OW!...
Zelgadis: gets out dictionary, ignoring Xelloss Let's see. "Creel n. fisherman's large wicker basket. [origin unknown]" flips The Pocket Oxford Dictionary shut Yes. "Creel" does exist, though "creeling" does not.
Harukami: gape Wow. Learn something new every week! panicky expression I don't think I'm learning new things fast enough! pulls out book and speed-reads it Much better.
Lina: Still... even 'creel in hunger' doesn't really work.
Xelloss: OW! ^_^ OW! ^_^ OW! ^_^ OW! ^_^...
Harukami: optimistically Still, it SOUNDS like a real word, now doesn't it?!
Amelia:... well, I guess...
Mother dead...like me.
Xelas: How morbid. blows smoke ring The speaker appears to be dead.
Valgarv: Airheaded bitch! 'His' mother's dead, just like hers!
Xelas: unruffled I don't know, it sounds to me like the speaker's dead.
Amelia: That would be gross!
Lina: Dead speakers and imaginary words. I've seen everything.
Xelloss: OW! ^_^ OW! ^_^ OW!... hands whip back to the Beasmaster All done! Am I a good boy?
Xelas: Yes, a very good boy. I'll have a special, special treat for you later.
Xelloss: Goodie. ^_^
Zelgadis: muttering Save me...
Father gone...like me.
No family...like me.
All alone...like me.
Lina: Obssessing on small details... like me.
I stole food from an old woman's sill.
She wouldn't need it. She had a home...which meant she had money.
She could live without it.
But him....he needed it. Right then.
Xelloss: throws himself into Lina's lap I need it, Lina! I NEED IT RIGHT NOW! Give it to me, Lina! I'm ready!
Lina: KYAAA! begins hitting Xelloss, who smiles, and throws himself at Zelgadis
Xelloss: Give it to me, Zel! I need it NOW! Give it to me! writhes and moans graphically
Zelgadis: bluer than usual Oh gods... passes out
Xelloss: Well, you're no fun. eyes Valgarv
Valgarv: Try it and die, fruitcake. death glare
I gave it to the dragonet and, while he fed, loosened his metal bonds.
Harukami: begins to hum the Dragnet theme
Amelia: Shh! Down in front!
After he polished off the food,
Xelloss: Forget EATING the food, no, he's gotta POLISH it! Stupid dragons think they own the world...
Valgarv: muttering That's 'cause they do...
Lina: YOU PEOPLE ARE WEIRD, I TELL YOU! WEIRD!
he stared at me for a while.
He then curled up in my lap and fell asleep.
Xelloss: eyes Lina
Lina: Don't even think about it.
Pocket full of posies
We grew up together.
He grew much faster then myself.
But that never stopped him from being my friend.
He was well over my head when I reached my eleventh year.
Xelas: No. blows smoke ring No. It just made playing leapfrog that much more difficult.
Xelloss, Valgarv, and Zelgadis (who has come to) all clutch at their groins and wince
Amelia: What's with them?
Lina: It's a guy thing.
We played in fields together...like one might play with a dog.
We rolled in the flowers and laid on the grass.
Xelloss: Next on Jerry Springer, People Who Are a Little too Friendly with their Pets!
Xelas: waves cigarette JERRY! JERRY!
Harukami: That was "Laid on the grass", not "Got laid on the grass", Xel.
Xelloss: You are SUCH a spoil-sport.
When he got big enough...I would lay on my friend's back or stomach.
We would stare at the sky...and wonder together if there was something
more.
Lina: scoff Oh, come on. Everyone knows the stories of the Sea of Chaos and the other three worlds!
Amelia: Except Gourry-san.
Lina: Well... he learned!
Some strangers in funny clothing came to the town.
They all smelled bad.
He told me that they smelled like blood.
Xelas: offended Blood doesn't smell bad. Blood smells... yummy. smiles and narrows her eyes, eyeing the humans
Lina: Xelloss, your master is freaking me out... looks at Xelloss, who is looking at her the same way. Uh...
Amelia: This is a good joke! laughs nervously Isn't it a good joke?!
Xelas: licks lips and turns back to the screen
I asked him how he knew.
We stayed away from the strangers.
He said that while he was in egg, he could smell it. That's how he
knew.
But they stayed in the village a long time.
They never bothered the fields though.
That was our territory...even the villagers knew it.
And they respected our rights.
Zelgadis: Yes, most people respect your rights if you've got a giant dragon on your side.
Xelloss: slyly Unless you're a Gold Dragon.
Valgarv: stunned look you... FUCK! GODSDAMNIT ALL! hits the nearest seat, which is Amelia's
Amelia: HEY, WATCH I - sees the look on Valgarv's face and backs off.
Lina: Xelloss, you are an evil man.
Xelloss: ^_^
Whenever I came to town...they would ignore my little theiving.
As long as my friend and I were left alone.
Ashes, ashes
I was near the halfway point of my eleventh year.
I knew they knew I was taking things.
But I also knew that they knew I needed them.
I suppose they felt sorry for me, but it didn't matter to me really.
We were fine.
My friend was much larger then me now.
About the size of two inn's stacked on top of each other, he was.
Harukami: ALL RIGHT, WHERE DID YODA COME FROM?!
Xelas: Very odd writing style, it be.
I was on another journey to town. I needed to..."buy"...some things.
When I got there, there were new strangers.
Once was a male. He was taller then me by a great deal.
Blond hair, sword at his side.
He stood lazily, looking as if he didn't know what exactly was going on.
Lina: Which was a funny coincidence, since the NARRATOR doesn't know what's going on... pause Hey, wait! That's GOURRY!
Another was a female. About as tall as me...maybe a little taller.
She had fiery hair, a sword was also by her side; but, she didn't use it much.
Amelia: That would be you, Lina-san!
Lina: furious I'm perfectly good with a sword! And my size is nobody's business but my own!
I could tell. My friend taught me to be observant about things like
that.
But she didn't seem to need it. Or so she thought herself.
She held herself that way. Cocky...almost.
She knew what she was doing.
Xelas: And if I may be permitted to interrupt this lengthy description of people we already know... what exactly IS she doing?
heads are mutely shaken
Amelia: EW!!!
Zelgadis: Xelloss, put that bleeding head AWAY!
Xelloss: Awww.... stops shaking head and puts it away
Two more members adorned the female's party.
(I could tell she was the leader, because all of them looked to her when
asked a question.)
One's face was obscured by a hood and facemask.
He (I assume it was a he by the way he walked and stood) also had a
cape.
Zelgadis: I do NOT adorn Lina's party! I am my own person, a heartless swordsman, dark and mysterious...
Harukami: Here we go again...
The last member was as tall as me. Older...but not taller.
She looked more...mature....then the other female did, but not as old.
Lina: More mature?! What does THAT mean?!
Xelas: blows smoke ring It means she's got larger breasts.
Lina: WHY THAT LITTLE -
Harukami: It's okay, Lina! I think you have very NICE breasts!
Lina: Why does that NOT make me feel any better?
Nothing else really stood out.
I was still confused by the first female's superiority.
Then...I knew why.
They were talking to the strangers that had come before.
She seemed to be the weakest...yet, all the others looked up to her.
Bandits...as I heard they were referred to.
They didn't seem very happy to see the girl.
She held herself in a strange position...then fire sprouted from her hands.
It encased the area, surrounding me as well.
Lina: Oh, so now I'm not taking care of innocent bystanders? WATCH THE SHOW!!! has a hissy fit
Amelia: Maa, maa, calm down...
I was frightened....and I cried.
We all fall down
My friend must have seen what was happening from our field.
He never stood a chance.
He came rushing into town, creeling the sounds he used to call me.
I tried to cry out to him.
But I was being choked by the smoke from the woman's fire.
He went roaring through town, almost tearing buildings apart looking for me.
But he found the woman first.
She starting chanting something I couldn't quite make out.
A force shot from her hands and hit my friend in his heart.
Lina: AND NOW I'M KILLING DRAGONS -
Zelgadis:Well, you DO -
Lina: WITHOUT GETTING PAID FOR THE HASSLE?! RRRRGG!!! tears her hair out in handfuls
He fell to the ground with a sickening thud.
And was still.
I ran over, not noticing the fire that burned as it licked my bare arms and
legs.
Xelloss: Well, they never mentioned before that she was NAKED...
Amelia: Shhh!... this is so sad... eyes brim with tears Poor girl...
Cradling my friends head in my lap, which was very difficult to do, I
spoke softly to him. Conforting him.
Just cold.
It was strange...I felt nothing.
No heartbeat.
Not any of the warmth that was there before.
Xelloss: DING, DONG, THE DRAGON'S DEAD!
Valgarv: Oh, shut the fuck up! throws Lina - still having a hissy fit - at him.
Lina: ARRRRGH!!! shreds Xelloss's skin
I looked up...and there stood the woman.
She gave me a pitying look and just stood above me, watching me cradle my friend's head.
I glared at her, not knowing what else to do.
She looked hurt for a moment...then walked away.
Lina: WHAT, ARE THEY TRYING TO MAKE ME INTO AN INHUMAN MONSTER OR SOMETHING?! I WOULD NEVER JUST WALK AWAY FROM THAT!!!!
Xelloss: Ow. ^_^ Ow. ^_^ Ow. ^_^...
I cursed her in my mind.
I cursed her that she would never rest.
I cursed her friends too...for not stopping this tragedy.
Zelgadis: Well, it looks like we're all cursed.
Amelia: But... but how could we know?!
Valgarv: Heh. I'm safe. After all, I'm your enemy.
Xelloss: That's it, brag.
Lina: ARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
I stopped thinking of her then...and my attention was back on my still
friend.
"Ring around the rosy; Pocket full of posey; Ashes, Ashes; We all fall down...."
Not knowing what to do...or even the fact that he was dead...I sang.
I sang a song that for some reason...just... fit.
It was something that I heard when I was very little.
When I was not even speaking yet.
This I repeated till a woman from a nearby house grabbed me and hauled me away.
I kicked and screamed and faught.
I wanted to be with my friend.
Xelas: So, there was no chance she could remember this song, but she sang it anyway?
Lina: Sheesh... steals some of the Beastmaster's popcorn and plopps herself back into her seat with a disgruntled expression
Amelia: But... it's so moving and dramatic!
Xelas: There's a lot to say about drama... and not much of it's nice.
Harukami: Oh, shh. I like it.
I was eleven.
My innocence was shattered as I held my friends head in my arms.
From then on all I could think of was revenge.
Revenge on the one who killed my friend.
Revenge against the murderer.
Xelloss: Can we say 'obsessive', boys and girls?
Zelgadis: Obsessive. sees people looking at him funny and sinks back into his seat
Xelloss: Does anyone ever get thanked for destroying a stupid, annoying race anyway? NO! They get called 'demon of demons' and crap like that!
Valgarv: Remind me to kill you soon.
I later learned her name.
I was sixteen then.
Five years had passed.
Five years of sword training and the like for revenge.
Five years of bitterness.
Lina: The author obviously assumes that we don't know math.
Harukami: I think it was for emphasis.
Lina: I hold my position.
I continued training.
I then learned her exact location.
Zelgadis: No small feat, with Lina constanly on the move.
Lina: Okay, so she looks like me. Clearly, from her actions, she's not me. Right? RIGHT?! eyes her companions
Zel and Amelia nod VERY QUICKLY
A part of the magic training I was receiving.
It was my own decision...not part of the course.
But it helped.
I was eighteen then.
Seven years of bitterness.
Zelgadis: I'm beginning to agree with Lina. We can count. We do not need a constant recap of years passed compared to her age.
Amelia: But it's so moving! Imagine, SEVEN YEARS of bitterness...
Valgarv: Huh. Imagine one thousand and fifteen years of bitterness. glares at everything
Amelia: Wow... But nobody could remain bitter that long.
Valgarv: eyebrow twitches and hits her over the head IT'S ME! ME! ME I TELL YOU!
Xelloss: You you you. Everything's always you you you. You don't love me at all.
Valgarv: That's not true! Of course I... catches himself AUGH! FRUITCAKE!!!
Today is the day.
Today is the day I can finally get revenge.
Revenge on my friend's murderer.
Today is the day I release my bitterness.
Today is the day I can finally rest.
Harukami: Red shirt! Red shirt!
Zelgadis: Stupid girl. If she studied Lina, she'd learn that Lina defeated a piece of Shabranigido, and even Hellmaster Philbrezo. No ordinary human has a chance against her.
Lina: beams Thanks, Zel!
Zelgadis:... it wasn't a complement.
I am twenty now.
Nine years of bitterness.
Nine years of bitterness released on the murderer.
Valgarv: DAMNIT, WE CAN COUNT!!!
Harukami: sniffle
Amelia: sob
Harukami: It's so -
Amelia: - SAD!!!
Xelas: Hmm. blows smoke ring They're answering each other's sentances. Anyone else worried?
Lina, Valgarv, Zelgadis, and Xelloss's hands shoot up
As I stand on the hill before I confront her for our bloody battle...I
remember the song from long ago.
"We all fall down." I smile at this.
How...ironic. "It's your day to fall, Lina Inverse. We all fall down....and
today is your day."
With that last lovely thought...I walk to my destiny.
Lina: It's over?
Amelia: IT CAN'T END THERE! IT CAN'T! IT CAN'T!!!!
Harukami: It doesn't. ^_^
Lina: Damn.
Zelgadis: ...but we're not reading the rest, right?
Harukami: dark smile What did you think this other tape was for? holds up Ashes Ashes: A sequel
cries of horror mix with cries of delight and echo around Wolf Pack Island
Xelas: looks at the ashen remains of her cigarette Ashes, ashes. Che. throws the butt away and pulls out a new cigarette from her bosom Anyone got a light?
OWARI!
The result of a deranged brain at 3 am in the morning as I wondered idly what exactly the characters felt about being slashed with pretty much everybody but the one the series intended them for.
Like it? Hated it? Want to kick my ass for writing this piece of $#!+? email me at harukami@magicalgirls.net