This fic is probably (no, definitely) going to be my Depressing Fic. Hey, gotta have one for every anime series. Many of you probably won't like it. Flame me if you want, but don't expect a response. It's based partially on a dream I had, a situation I was in, words that I can't stop hearing, and a sudden realization. Other things too, but mainly that. Yes, I know London isn't in the Slayers world, but I needed an appropriate nursery rhyme.
London Bridge is falling down
Falling down
Falling down
Londing Bridge is falling down
My fair lady.
I wonder when exactly she started to become just like the flame I'd lost inside.
Nevertheless, I can't deny that she is. Perhaps I'm an idiot; I'd never planned to start feeling again. There's a lot of things I don't plan that I do, but this shouldn't have been one of them. I could have sworn that anything I had that even vaguely resembled a heart had died years ago.
And there she is. Hair flaming, eyes flaming, personality flaming. She would be the last person to ever give up on anything. Somehow, she started something again in that cold object in my chest. That...thing referred to as a heart.
You know what makes me even more of an idiot? I can never, ever have her. I see it in the way she looks at old Jellyfish-for-brains. Not that she'd admit it. I could seduce her, of course, but I am afraid I would break her spirit. No, her spirit is what burns. I can't break that willingly. Yet. The burning builds inside me, and I don't know how much longer I can stop it from consuming not just me but everything around me.
Hmm. I should kill something soon to dim that. I mustn't let them know that I'd done so, of course. But I still will. Maybe tonight.
How shall we build it up again?
Up again?
Up again?
How shall we build it up again?
My fair lady.
I never got the chance to dull my burning.
Reflecting this mentally still doesn't dim the smile on my face as I process Lina's words. "You want me to what?"
The sorceress glances to the side slightly. "Come with me and Zelgadis. We heard that there might be a cure in the cave labyrinth just outside the city. There's lots of rare monsters down there and since you're Mazoku, we thought you might know about them."
"Are Amelia and Gourry coming too, Lina-san?" I ask her. I might bow out if they are... then again, watching the chimera try to find a cure and fail will be interesting. After all, the only cure possible is held by a chimera's creator. Not that I'll ever tell him that.
Zelgadis snorts. "Don't think you're special, Mazoku."
I ignore him, focussing on Lina, who's shrugging. "Amelia is in trouble since running into that Seiryuun emisary, and Gourry... he's been having trouble sleeping lately, but he's so peaceful...I don't want to... anyway, are you coming?"
I wonder if they're sleeping together, Gourry and Lina? If I kill him, I'll lose any chance I have...what little chance I have... if I have a chance at all. Though there are ways to make it seem like disease, slow consumation spells. That could be nicely ironic... him being consumed in the one way, like and unlike the way I am, and losing his chance at Lina at the same time. But no, the shock might break her. And I cannot do that. Yet.
They are still waiting for my answer. "Why, Lina-san, can you doubt me? Of course I'm coming!"
Build it up with wood and clay
Wood and clay
Wood and clay
Build it up with wood and clay
My fair lady.
"THIS is our guide?" I ask, amused. The child scowls at me, and my smile widens. What do you think you can do to me, little one? Do you think I am so easily scared by your fierce faces? Perhaps I shall show you some fierceness of my own. Later.
"Chu is good guide!" The child insists. "Not like Mazoku slime!"
Ooh, now we're getting personal! How fun! My eyes open, and I think he is the only one who sees the slight change in my smile, for he swallows, hard. "Miss hired Chu for guide!" he insists quietly, a last attempt at overcoming his fear.
"Miss hired Chu for guide," I tell him, smiling. "Mazoku slime listen to Miss judgement but doubt value of Chu."
The boy's face grows furious at my (rather accurite) immitation of his style of speech.
"Xelloss," Zelgadis says warning.
"Chimera man upset and Mazoku slime teasing?" I ask.
The child is steaming now.
Lina shakes her head, hair flying. "Enough, Xelloss. He's the best in the village, anyone here can tell you that. He knows those caves inside and out."
"So Mazoku slime must stop?" I tilt my head curiously.
"Xelloss! Enough!" Lina commands.
I sigh. "Fine, fine." Under my breath, I add, "You never let me have any fun."
With one last dubious look, the guide starts to lead us to the caves.
Wood and clay will wash away
Wash away
Wash away
Wood and clay will wash away
My fair lady.
Perhaps our guide is an idiot savant. He IS remarkably organized, his alphabetized potions clanking in their rows tied to his back. The potions are both a result and the way he survives in these caves. On a whim, I reorder some of them without him noticing.
"Chu show Miss way!" Chu sings out, skipping slightly as he walks. "Chu make Miss happy!"
I smile, but both Lina and Zelgadis cast me a look before I can say anything. Such spoil-sports.
Lina raises the light spell a bit higher as we pass another junction that looks just the same as the last. "Chu, are you sure we are going the right way?"
"Oh, Chu sure!" the boy insists. "Chu come here many time!"
Zelgadis is seeming very anxious. I can't wait until he's disappointed. "The possible cure is written on the wall?"
"Yes! In very ancient language! Chu can't read but has language potions!"
"That's good," Zelgadis responds, distracted. "That's very good."
My smile widens. "Oh, Chu ALWAYS good. Chu perfect guide!"
The child halts suddenly, stomping his foot. "Chu insist that either Mazoku shut up or leave!"
"So what's it going to be?" Lina asks.
"Mazoku's lips sealed," I tell her, smiling. Following slightly behind, I hum a cheery tune, slightly off key.
Build it up with iron and steel,
Iron and steel,
Iron and steel,
Build it up with iron and steel,
My fair lady.
Zelgadis traces the writing with a finger. "So this is it?" His voice is surprisingly lively when full of hope.
Lina holds out a hand to the child. "Here, give me the language potion, I'll read it." The child hands it to her and she raises it to her lips.
Wait... that was one of the ones I switched! "Lina-san..." I begin, but she's already downed it.
"Huh?" She asks, peering at the writing. "I still can't read it! I - " Suddenly, she sways slightly, a flush coming to her cheeks. "I feel... funny..."
I swallow. "Uh... I wasn't going to mention this... but I switched some of the potions around, and..."
"You what?!" Zelgadis demands at the same time Chu's jaw drops.
Lina moans. "I... oh... L-sama..."
I shrug at their accusitory glares. "I thought that whoever took it would read the label first," I defend myself. Yes, cover my worry up with those jokes, like I always do. What was happening to Lina?
"Quick!" Zelgadis exclaims, catching Lina's arm, taking the bottle from her as she falls against him. "What is it?"
A tear squeezes out from under Lina's closed eyelid. "Zel... make it stop! Somebody make it stop!"
Absently, Zelgadis shakes her off, and she stumbles. Chu, Zelgadis and I all peer at the label together. "LUST?!?" Zelgadis shouts, disgusted.
I blink. "Oops?" is the only thing I can venture. Lina sank to her knees and was trying to glare at me, but the look on her face took away the severity of it. I wave a hand, trying to dismiss it. "But it's not that bad, right? Not like it's poison. We just wait for it to wear off, and..." I think of a fault to my own plan. "Uh, Chu? How long does it last?"
Chu's face is scrunched up in anger. "Stupid Mazoku! It last day for old man, probably three day for young woman!"
"I think I'm going insane," Lina whispers.
We are all silent. Lina crawls over and touches my leg. "Xel? Why can't I... stop this? I have to make this go away! I hate this! I hate it!"
Here she is, open and willing. And I'm burning up. Will she ever forgive me? But...
I pat those flaming tresses, hoping my internal battle isn't showing. "We're trying to find a way, Lina-san."
Zelgadis is glaring at me. "This is all your fault."
"Yes," I admit, for once starkly honest. "But I never meant for... this. I didn't even check what potions I was switching."
Lina is absently stroking my leg and I swallow.
The chimera looks at Lina. "Perhaps if we just tie her up and..."
"I can't take this for three days!" Lina wails. "I can't stand it! L-sama, I'm going INSANE! I HATE THIS!"
"Isn't there some way?" Zelgadis asks the boy.
Yes. There is. Do I dare offer it? Oh, of course I dare. But should I? Can she forgive me? Can she forgive herself?"
Chu is shaking his head. "No way! No antidote ever made! Never needed!"
Lina's crying. I feel her tears soak into the silk of my pants as she rubs her face against my leg. "Hate this," she whispers, disgust with herself apparent in her voice. "Hate this."
I have to. I'm burning up.
"There's a way." I tell them.
Iron and steel will bend and bow,
Bend and bow,
Bend and bow,
Iron and steel will bend and bow,
My fair lady.
For a long moment after I tell them, they just look at me. All three of them. "You have got to be kidding," Zelgadis said flatly.
I shrug. "If anyone thinks of anything else, I'm sure suggestions are welcome."
I'm actually going to do it, aren't I?
Chu is blushing like the child he is.
Finally, clearing her husky throat, Lina repeats it. "Sex magic."
"It's... a skill many Mazoku learn while growing up." As had I. "I can reduce the time of the spell from three days to three hours. It's... not much, but it can save your sanity."
Lina is shuddering against my leg.
"I can't believe this," Zelgadis says, disgusted.
Neither can I. Oh, hell, I can too.
"Is... there any other way?" Lina asks. Am I that disgusting to you, Lina?
Silence in answer to Lina's question.
She is shaking, and I am certain it is not just because of the effects of the potion. "All... all right. If... it will make this go away... all right. Zelgadis..." she didn't raise her eyes to look at him. "Zel.. take Chu and go back. I'm sure... we can find our own way back."
I nod affirmation. I'd made a map in my head. My breath is burning in my throat. Oh, Lina, what you do to me.
Zelgadis shook his head, disbelieving. "You're really going to do it?"
Lina is crying again. "Just go."
Build it up with gravel and stone
Gravel and stone,
Gravel and stone,
Build it up with gravel and stone
My fair lady.
They are gone. I kneel at her level and lift her head, but she still doesn't meet my eyes. "I didn't mean for this to happen," I tell her. I hadn't, it wasn't a lie. I was somewhere between happy at it's happening and dispair at her response, but I still hadn't intended it.
"I know," she whispers, body racked with shudders, tears running down her face.
"You can still say no."
"I... know."
Testing, I capture her lips. They are hotter then they should be... she is fevered. For a long moment she does nothing, not fighting, not responding, then she kisses back, at the same time as the tears roll down her face harder then ever.
Oh, gods, I fear I will destroy her. And yet, I cannot stop. I know that it could destroy her even if I didn't, but that isn't foremost in my mind.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, unfastening her cloak, which slides to the ground.
"Xel... that was my first kiss." She isn't meeting my eyes. Why won't she?
Then I comprehend. No wonder her response is such! She is a virgin. And yet, I'm not going to stop. I'd like to believe that it was just because there was no other choice, but I know myself too well. I hate myself for the first time, I think.
"I'll try not to hurt you," I tell her. I'm not sure I can keep to that, not with the burning consuming me, but I will try. I don't want to break her.
"I'm scared," she tells me as her shirt hits the ground.
Lina? Scared? The girl who defeated a piece of Shabranigido is scared? This is... bad. But what can I say? "I'm sorry."
Gravel and stone will fall away
Fall away
Fall away
Gravel and stone will fall away
My fair lady.
I stroke her face, wipe away the faint tears. She's stopped crying. Even with tears, she's very beautiful. "Don't be scared."
She whimpers as my hands wander, trying to distract her. "This isn't right. It's not how it's supposed to be. Nice girls don't sleep with people they don't love."
That hurts. She didn't intend it to, but it does. Even now, I can't show her how I feel.
"Xelloss, do you think I'm a nice girl?"
"I think you're a wonderful girl." My eyes can't seem to tell her what I mean. "You're very special to me."
"This is wrong," she whispers again as her body overcomes her concious will and her own hands start to wander. But her body is under the influence.
I am burning. I need to get this started soon, or I really will hurt her. I unwrap my own cloak, untuck my shirt, throw it to one side. She is playing with the drawstring of my pants.
"Lina," I whisper, trying to convey my feelings with her name.
"It wasn't supposed to be you," she says, face scrunching up. "It was supposed to be - "
I cover her lips with my own. I will not hear his name. Not now. Not here.
Build it up with silver and gold
Silver and gold
Silver and gold
Build it up with silver and gold
My fair lady.
She cries again as I enter her. I try not to hurt her, but it's getting harder and harder not to. I must control my instincts. For her. I have to control them for her.
I kiss away her tears.
But they keep coming.
Silver and gold will be stolen away
Stolen away
Stolen away
Silver and gold will be stolen away
My fair lady.
My power had worked. Ironically, cancelling lust was the opposite of what I'd learned, but it still worked. She lay against my chest, spent emotionally and physically.
"Do you hate me?" I asked her. I wanted a no. I wanted words I knew I'd never hear.
She is silent for a long time. Then she sighs. "No, Xelloss, I don't hate you."
My smile is back. "I'm glad."
"... I hate myself."
This isn't good. I think...
"Let's go back to the others, Xelloss." She sits up, winces slightly, but little emotion actually shows on her face. "Let's go."
I help her dress, then put my own clothes on.
"You know the way back?" she asks.
I nod.
She follows me quietly.
What have I done?
When we get back to the inn, the others are waiting for us. Amelia has a look of horror on her face, and Zelgadis was closed to all emotion. Gourry -
His eyes were puffy from tears, pain written on his face. He watched us approach. "Lina..." he said awkwardly.
Beside me, Lina whimpers, so quietly only I can hear it.
What have I done?
She breaks into a run, going past Gourry, into the inn. By the time we get there, she has locked herself inside her room.
What have I done?
They all look accusingly at me. For once, I have nothing to say to them. Nothing. My words are gone.
I broke her.
[bridge]
She didn't come out for four days. We paid the innkeeper for the time, no questions asked. None of them spoke to me when they didn't have to. Gourry waited outside her door the whole time.
I wish I could blame this on him. It would explain why I was hating him.
Oh, I knew why.
I wasn't him. And because of that, I broke her.
On the evening of the fourth day, Gourry came downstairs at a run, worried expression on her face. He looked at me for a long moment, mouth working, before he said, simply, "She wants to speak to you."
The others are silent as I rise and ascend the stairs. Gourry follows.
Lina is waiting at the door to her room. She is gaunt and tired-looking. Yes, I know it now. I hate myself.
"Xelloss," she greets me, little emotion in her voice. She holds the door to her room open. "I need to talk to you." Without looking at Gourry, she adds, "Alone."
I follow her into her room. I stand just behind her as she looks out the window. "I'm sorry," I tell her, knowing it will never be enough.
"Mmm." She doesn't respond for a long moment. Then, "I'm going to kill myself."
Nothing. There's nothing in my mind. I can't think. "What?"
"I'm going to kill myself. Right now." She looks at me, nothing in her eyes.
Even if my heart stopped, like it feels like it did, would I die? "You can't."
"I'm going to." There's no arguement in her voice, merely a comment. "I needed to tell you. Amelia would rant, and I can't take that. Zelgadis would act disgusted. He should, too. He's lived with self-hate for so long. But I can't. I tried for this long and I can't. Maybe, if I'm reborn, things will be better. But I hope I won't be reborn. And I can't tell Gourry... he'd try to convince me to live. But I wanted to tell you, so you can give them my gold." She digs in her cloak and holds out a bag of treasure. I take it with numb hands. "I owe them something, after all. Give it to them for me. Don't tell them until after."
My mouth isn't working. I want to scream denial, but I cannot. I brought this upon her.
"Thank you, Xelloss. You've been kind."
"Lina..." I finally manage to get out. "I love you. Don't... I..."
She ushers me gently to the door. "I'm sorry, Xelloss. Tell the others goodbye for me."
There's nothing I can do to change her mind. I try anyway. "Please, Lina, don't!"
"Goodbye, Xelloss." She pushes me out of the door and slams it behind me, shutting me and Gourry out.
Gourry looks at me, but I do not look back. I can't. I feel like a part of me has died. My heart, perhaps? After such a brief time living, it has died. Again.
I walk down the stairs and drop the bag in the middle of the table. They look at me. "What's that?" Amelia asks.
Shaking my head, I continue walking. I'm at the door by the time an explosion sounds upstairs. Of course, she would. Fireball, set inside herself. She burned herself up.
They are running, screaming denials, heading upstairs. I continue out. No, Lina was determined. They won't save anything.
She may have owed them something, but I do not. I hate them all. If it hadn't been for Zelgadis, she would never have gone down into those caves. I hate them. I hate them almost as much as I hate myself. I hate them.
Calling upon only a small amount of my power, I destroy the inn entirely. None of them could have survived. That's good.
Smoke billowing around me, I continue walking. Where to, now? Maybe my master will have something for me. I have nothing for myself.
Goodbye, Lina.
London Bridge is falling down
Falling down
Falling down
London Bridge is falling down
My fair lady.
I'm sorry. It's been a very bad day. Forgive me.