Harukami: Popcorn, get your popcorn!
Michiru: Two here, miss!
Harukami: There you go, ladies. May I say it's wonderful to see you again, finally?
Haruka: If you want to.
Harukami: It's wonderful to see you again, finally.
Michiru: That was a bad joke.
Harukami: So, why'd you turn up?
Haruka: Miss something as completely impossible as this?
Harukami: Well, this is Slayers NEVER - ie, things that would NEVER happen in Slayers.
Michiru: dryly No, we'd NEVER have guessed.
Harukami: looks around I'm surprised ANYONE turned up. I guess they didn't read the warnings on the main page.
Haruka: Or maybe they like that sort of thing?
Harukami: Yeah, but... I will offend EVERYONE! I show no mercy... yaoi, yuri, insults to all sorts of characters... aw hell. At least they should know that all flames will be ignored unless they come in the form of a Garv Flare wielded by a certain Mazoku/Ancient Dragon.
Xelloss: Hey, popcorn lady!
Harukami: That's my master, I've got to go.
Haruka: Wait, aren't I your god?
Harukami: Not until the Miko Directory gets back to me. Bye!
Xelloss: So you finally lost it.
Harukami: Like I had it to begin with.
Xelloss: ^_^ so true.
Valgarv: What's the meanin' of sittin' me next ta HIM?!
Harukami: You're going to be in one of the skits together.
Val: grumble
Xelloss: I think it's cute. It's just like Harukami to do that.
Harukami: I should never have let you watch Utena.
Xelloss: Oh, but the ideas I have now!
Harukami: Exactly.
Valgarv: Why do ya torture me like this?!
Harukami: Oh, I think you'll like scene one. Let's see how you feel.
Val: All right...
The curtain raises to reveal a ballet room - mirrored walls, bar along the mirrors, hard wood floor for people to fall on in case of mistakes. Lina has her arms crossed across her chest, because she doesn't want people commenting on her lack of busom, which is obvious in her ballet leotard.
"Don't you think this is wonderful, Lina-san?" Amelia gushes excitedly. "Oh, I can't wait until our instructor shows up!!! Oh, this is so exciting!"
Lina doesn't look enthused. "Yeah," she agrees. "Wonderful."
Zelgadis walks in from the boys' dressing room, not looking very happy. "Tell me again how you managed to talk me into this?"
"Instructor is rumoured to have cure," Lina reminds him.
Amelia bounces. "It's okay, Zelgadis-san! Besides, you look great in tights!"
The chimera blushes. "Amelia... please don't look there."
"I'm sorry, Zelgadis-san," says Amelia, obviously not sorry at all.
Suddenly, Xelloss bounds across the room in great leaps and bounds, probably assisted by his ability to levitate, but impressing the rest of the class anyway. "Lina-san! Amelia-san! You look wonderful!"
Zelgadis gazes at him easily. "You look like an idiot."
"How so?"
"The boys don't wear tutus. Ever. And the girls rarely."
Xelloss shrugs. "But isn't it adorable?"
The three shudder. Xelloss grins and looks around the room. "Hey, look, isn't that a Ryuzoku? What's he doing here?"
"It's a free world, you know," Amelia reminds him.
"I know. I keep trying to change that, but..."
The Ryuzoku in question has turned at his race's name, then growls deep in his throat when he sees Xelloss. "Mazoku!"
"Ryuzoku!"
"Mazoku!"
"Ryuzoku!"
"Are you two quite finished?!" Lina demanded.
"Yep."
Blushing delicately, the Ryuzoku snorts. "Don't expect to impress the teacher, Mazoku. I'M his favourite!"
Xelloss smiles. "We'll see about that!"
The Ryuzoku sniffs and tosses his long aqua hair back.
Suddenly, the doors burst open and suspicious fog pours in along the bottom of the door. A large figure is silhouetted in the doorway. He steps in. A huge man with red hair, a harsh face, and a sword strapped across his back, he laughes maniacally briefly, then seems to remember where he is. He smiles reluctantly at the class.
"Hello," he says. "I'm Garv and I'll be teaching you today."
Everyone facefaults and falls over.
A wail of music starts up as the screen goes blank. As the music rises, the screen pans out to show that the blackness is actually Lina's screaming mouth. She's got a terrified blue blush across her cheeks. The screen pans back yet further to show Luna Inverse standing behind her, smiling. Then, suddenly, 'she' reaches up and pulls off the red wig, tearing off the shirt, to reveal that it's merely Xelloss in drag. Megumi Hayashibara's voice begins to sing in badly accented English.
Song: Here I am, come look at me!
On the screen, Amelia is standing in a spotlight, mouth moving in a speech. She smiles, and the screen pans out to reveal the other characters fast asleep all around her.
Song: Cry out a river or cry out a sea,
Screen shows Philbrezo playing hopscotch, but tripping on the last jump. He breaks into tears, which fountain out around him.
Song: Things happen but anyway!
Zelgadis is looking around stealthily, and doesn't see anyone there. Blushing slightly, he takes sandpaper to the rocks imbedded in his skin, trying to get rid of them. Screen pans up to see Filia in the sky with a video camera.
Song: NEVER want it NEVER plan it,
Lina is standing on top of a table, drunk out of her mind and belting out kareoke. Xelloss is clapping, and everyone else is blushing and pretending not to know her.
Song: Things happen but anyway!
The table gives way under her and she falls onto Gourry, where she passes out.
Song: changes to a faster beat Fight and fight and fight and fight.
Screen quickly flashes to each character's attacks, then shows them all passed out asleep, snoring.
Song: Try and try and try as you might,
See Gourry swing his sword of light with that same rehashed footage, then accidentally cuts half of his hair off.
Song: What you hope NEVER happen!
Zelgadis sends Amelia on her way, then sighs in relief. No sooner does he do so than Xelloss comes flying out of nowhere and jumps him. Screen pans away as they kiss passionately, tearing at each other's clothes.
Song: Come on, guys, it's not likely!
Gourry is looking amazed as twenty chibi Zangulus's charge him. He looks up to see Martina and Zangulus proudly cheering their brood on.
Song: But here it happens anyway!
Lina is smiling and showing off, and all the male characters are drooling and surrounding her in a crowd. Suddenly, all the men are belted into the atmosphere to reveal Sylphiel, crystal wand out, who then goes into a proposing pose at Lina's feet.
Song: NEV - ER!!!
End pose of characters: Lina laying down in front, Gourry tripping over her with a panicked look on his face. Amelia is sitting on Zelgadis's shoulders. Valgarv and Xelloss are fighting over a gameboy while Filia clings adoringly to Xelloss's leg.
Closeup on Xelloss's smiling face.
Quickly, the screen flashes to Filia, arms crossed, Valgarv, scowling, and Zelgadis, completely calm. All are wearing leather outfits: A Naga Costume (TM) for Filia, and tight black leather pants and vests for the boys. Filia raises her mace menacingly. "Talk, Mazoku scum!"
"Never," Xelloss's voice says cheerfully.
Valgarv cracks a whip menacingly. "Talk, ya bastard!"
"I keep my secrets."
Zelgadis clears his throat uncomfortably. "If you do not tell us now, we will be forced to beat you unmercilessly to make this into an S&M lemon."
"Do your worst!" We finally see all of Xelloss: he is tied to a table wearing nothing but leather restraints.
"Right!" Valgarv exclaims, raising his whip. Just before he brings it down, SD Lina and SD Amelia run frantically onto the screen, carrying a large censored sign.
"Stop!" Lina squeaks, covering the figures in the background with the sign. "You can't watch this! This isn't allowable in Slayers!"
During the pause, you hear the sound of a whip cracking and Xelloss crying out in ecstacy. Both SDs blush.
"Someone cut the sound!" Amelia cries out. "It is immoral to watch S&M television! I, Amelia Wil Tessla Seiryuun will punish anyone who continues to watch such a thing!" She points for emphasis, dropping her side of the sign to reveal Xelloss buckling on the table as Zelgadis begins to climb up there with him, Filia laughing maniacally at the head of the table. Amelia blushes frantically and lifts her side of the sign again.
In the silence, moans begin to fill the air. The SDs begin to talk garbledly, trying to cover them up.
Suddenly, offscreen, you hear Gourry's voice, "Hey, Lina! Where's this SM thing I was supposed to go to? I think I'm late."
Lina shrieks. "Gourry, not you too?!?"
Gourry wanders on, hair in odangos and wearing Sailor Fuku. "Well, they asked me specially, so..."
Amelia and Lina facefault. "That's not what they meant! Look!"
The blond bishounen peers over the sign and goes pale. "YIKES!"
"Isn't it TWISTED?!?" Amelia agonizes.
(In the background: "Will you talk?"
"No!"
"Then we must take it to a new extreme!!!")
Gourry points. "But if they wanted me to do... THAT... then why did they want me to get dressed like this?!"
SD Zangulus runs on holding a script. "You're on in five, Gourry! You've got to show up and seem to save the day, but are secretly falling into an ecchi death trap!"
The fuku-clad swordsman looks disturbed. "But I - "
SD Lina stomps a foot. "Who decided to produce this, anyway?! This is SO not normal Slayers fare!"
SD Zangulus flips through the script. "Uh, it says here... from the creators of the famed Venus 5... oh."
(Behind them: "NO!" cries Xelloss. "How did you find the domain of Deep-Sea Dolphin's tentacled demons?! The horror!"
"Yes!" shouts Filia. "Either give up or... you know what will happen!")
"I can't take this anymore!" Lina screams. She drops the sign giving a quick flash of a tentacled monster doing unspeakable things to a grinning Xelloss before she begins to chant. "Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows..."
SD Amelia squeaks and grabs Gourry, trying to rush him off the stage. A question mark flashes above SD Zangulus's head before he goes back to reading the script, eyes wide.
"... be destroyed! DRAGU SLAVE!!!!"
The screen fizzes out.
Curtain raises to reveal various extras standing around.
"Lina's really nasty," a bandit comments.
"She's got no chest!" Dios mentions.
"She killed me," Vrumigun pointed out emotionlessly.
"OHOHOHOHOHOH!" Naga laughed. "Lina's so niave!"
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
EYECATCH: Lina in a Naga outfit, back of hand to lips, laughing. Naga in a Lina outfit in the background, sweatdropping.
EYECATCH: Chibi Valteria blinks kawaiily up at you. Garv bends down and pats him on the head. Valteria coughs and a stream of flame crispies Garv.
Focus in on Valgarv and Garv. Garv's in a squirrel suit and Valgarv has big moose horns tied to his head. Garv dives off a tower, proving he's a flying Ma... er, squirrel. Landing beside Valgarv, he faces the audience and speaks in a very squeaky voice. "And now, here's something we hope you'll REALLY like!"
The Slayers characters are all trudging along a dirt road, with Xelloss floating above. Uncharacteristically, he isn't tormenting anyone, he's just reading a book as he floats.
Finally, in an attempt to break the monotony, Zelgadis asks, "What're you reading?"
Absently, Xelloss replies, "A hundred and one things to do with an Elmekia Lance." He smiles brightly - or rather, doesn't stop smiling brightly - and holds the book down. "The illustrated copy."
Zelgadis glances at it and turns blue - or rather, bluer. "URK! You WOULD read that sort of thing!"
Xelloss turns back to it. "You wouldn't believe how difficult it was to get ahold of. For some reason, Garv had it hidden in a safe. I don't know why."
Amelia plants her hands on her feet. "You stole it? Stealing is wrong!! I demand you give it here!" She snatches it from the priest's hands and glances at it. "EEK!" She blushes and flips the pages. "Hey, there's a dedication. 'To my Garv-lovie-bug from your cute Val.'" She blinks. "I don't know whether to be all mushy or all revolted."
Just then, Garv himself falls from the sky in his Ma-Ryu form, squishing Amelia and eating Xelloss. His head swings around and the last thing the camera sees is his gullet...
Xelas walks forward wearing her skimpy tiger-dress. Her hips sway as she walks. Tossing her long white hair back, she calls over her shoulder. "Xelloss, did you remember the potato salad?"
The priest remains offscreen, but you can hear his voice, strained. "I... think it's in here somewhere..."
"And the Heart of Human stew? Is that in there?"
"Uh... I can smell it I think..."
Xelas nods her head, satisfied. "Good. Hurry up, we don't have all day."
Finally, Xelloss stumbles onscreen. The viewers can only see the lower half of his body; his upper half is hidden by the twenty-foot-tall stack of stuff he's carrying. "Xelas-sama... is... this all... completely necessary...? It's... just a... picnic."
She laughs, walking back to him. "Oh, Xelloss. You never know when I'll need a handy room!"
"But... the piano? What's... the piano... for?"
"Atmosphere."
"Who's... going to... play it?"
She chuckles deeply and slaps him on the back, almost making him drop the stuff. "You, of course. Now hurry up, we mustn't keep the Ryuzoku waiting." Xelas waggled her finger in the 'no-no'. "NEVER keep a Ryuzoku waiting."
"I'm sure... I... don't know... what you... mean. So, who's all... coming...?"
She thought about this while waiting for Xelloss to catch up. "The brat... I mean, Philbrezo-san is there, bringing Mr. Christie cookies... let's see... I think Aqua made it, but she won't have brought anything, the little moocher... Dolphin turned down the invitation most politely... for her, at least... Luna'll be there, so you can trade hair tips again... Unfortunately, Garv's there, but fortunately he brought his little Ryuzoku toy... that should be fun... say, is that too much for you to carry?"
"... no," Xelloss gasps. "It's okay... Is... Ceipheed there?"
"Nope, they couldn't wake him."
"... Shabrinigido?"
"We could only find 3 parts."
Luna steps forward, then sees them and jumps excitedly, making a splendid bounce. "Xelas!" She gives Xelas a big hug. "Long time no see!"
"How's things?"
"Busy, you know how it is on a holiday." Luna runs over to Xelloss and pokes at his belly. "Is that you in there?"
"...Yes..."
"Nice. What's the piano for?"
He coughs. "Atmosphere... apparently..."
She nods wisely. "I see. Follow me."
"I can't... see you."
"Well, follow my voice, then."
Luna leads them to a busy clearing, where the Mazoku and Ryuzoku leaders all recline, chatting as if they were old friends, or perhaps old enemies, which often amounts to the same thing. Xelloss puts down the stuff with a sigh, pulling out a couch for Xelas to recline on, and setting the piano off to the side.
The Knight of Ceipheed hands out wine to everyone. She then raises her own glass. "To the anniversary of our peacemaking!"
The various Mazoku and Ryuzoku all raise their wineglasses. "To the anniversary!"
After that, they get down to business. "So, when's our next appointment?" Aqua calls out.
Garv laughs. "None made yet."
Luna pulls out her address book. "I've got a month off in two years. How about then?"
Philbrezo pouts. "I'm bored now!"
A Ryuzoku pats him on the head. "We know, but sometimes we've just got to put things off."
"Two years is good for me," Xelas puts in.
"Me too," Aqua agrees. After various arrangements are agreed on, and food is eaten, it's decided.
"Right," Xelas says. "Next Mazoku-Ryuzoku war in two years. I'll put it into my day book."
Closeup on a man with white hair and really bristly eyebrows. "We are gathered here today to witness..."
As the man blathers on about love and commitment, the camera panns around in a slow circle. Lots and lots of wedding guests, Xelas chained to the catering table wearing only black lacy lingerie and a perturbed expression, more wedding guests, a pile of food... no, make that Lina where a pile of food used to be... more wedding guests, and finally to our handsome, daring groom in his gorgeous black tux, and his beautiful blushing bride in her flowing white gown.
Well, almost.
That picture shatters with a crash, revealing our ugly-as-sin, rebellious groom in his customary red trenchcoat (but wearing a top hat for the technicalities), and his handsome grinning-like-a-mainiac bride in, well, a wedding dress. But that was just because Rui Araizumi likes drawing guys in wedding dresses. The bride is playing impatiently with his cherry toy while waiting for the priest to finish blathering.
Yeek.
Uh, anyway. After a long scene with them making all sorts of eyes at each other and, in the background, Filia beating up Xelloss and Zelgadis nudging Gourry awake, the priest finally gets to the point.
What point? Silly viewers. The pointy point.
Anyway.
"...does anyone here object to their union?" the priest finally finishes, ignoring the technical fact that most of the crowd objected, or at least didn't want to be there, but none of them were going to speak up. If the second most powerful General of Shabranigido took it into his mind to marry the half-breed creature he brought from the brink of death (well, OFF the brink of death, but we'll not go into that), who was going to argue? Other than Xelas (on general principle), but she is at the back of the room chained to the catering table wearing only black lacy lingerie and a perturbed expression...
Excuse the director. She must pause to pull her eyes back into her head and wipe the drool off the set.
Back to the wedding scene.
So the priest guy waits a significant amount of time and then opens his mouth to get to the important parts, but before he can say anything, he is interrupted by a shriek at the door.
"Stop!" Shrieks the shriek. 'Twas a very fangirl-like shriek, having been, in fact, shrieked by a very shrieky fangirl. "I object! EvilDragon Garv cannot marry Val-chan!"
The groom does not looked pleased and reaches for his big-ass sword, which is, as always, strapped across his back. The bride doesn't look pleased either and a fire spell is starting in his hands.
"Why not?" the priest asks mildly, inching behind the altar for a quick duck and tuck if necessary.
"Because I'M Val-chan's lover!" The fangirl shrieks.
"You're what?!" Garv demands.
"You're WHAT?!" Valgarv shrieks almost as shriekily as the fangirl herself.
At this time, the camera goes back to Xelas for absolutely no readily apparant reason other than that all the crew are complete hentais who like to see female Mazoku wearing only black lacy lingerie and a perturbed expression... only she's no longer wearing the perturbed expression, she's now curled up and gone to sleep, bored, breasts rising and falling as she breathes, and the cameraman must be replaced as he gets a near-fatal nosebleed.
"I'm Val-chan's lover!" The fangirl shrieks yet again, confirming both the point and her imminent death.
Valgarv's chin seems to have become glued to the floor.
His Mazoku dark lord lover and soon-to-be husband turns to look at him, expression somewhere between pissing mad and stunned. "Val-chan?"
The ex-Ancient Dragon gets down on hands and knees briefly and finds his voice, which had made a brief sprint for freedom. "It's not true," he protested, shocked. "I've never seen her before in my life!"
Horrified, the fangirl takes a few steps backward, clutching at her chest. "Val-chan! How can you say that? After all we've been through together?!"
At the back of the room, Xelloss nudges his master awake to hand her some popcorn. She takes it willingly and picks up her perturbed expression from where she discarded it on the floor, putting it back on again.
"Ok," Garv decides. "Kill now and ask questions later." He advances on the fangirl, raising his big-ass sword. She shrieks, as is the wont of shrieky fangirls.
"Wait!" Amelia says, jumping up from her seat. "This is unjust! We must find the truth before we punish anyone!!!"
Garv blinks blankly. "Why?"
"Because... because... because we just do!" Amelia exclaims, supporting her statement with sufficient evidence as taught by her many tutors.
Suddenly, Valgarv slaps his forhead, nearly impaling his hand in the process. "I know how I can prove ya aren't!"
"No you can't!" the fangirl shrieks triumphantly. "Because you are!"
"Here!" Valgarv strides over to her quickly, holding his skirts up so he won't trip. With one sudden movement, he rips her shirt off.
She shrieks. "VAL-CHAN!!!"
In the background, Lina starts beating Gourry over the head with Zelgadis, in response to some comment he made about the fangirl's breasts compared to hers.
Xelas pulls herself crosslegged, still wearing only black lacy lingerie but sporting an amused expression, not her perturbed one, having bought them both at a 2-for-1 sale. Xelloss offers her some more popcorn.
"..." Garv says.
Valgarv points at the fangirl's breasts. "See? SEE?!"
She covers them with her arms, still shrieking.
"Yes, Val," Garv says sarcastically. "We all saw her breasts quite fucking well. Your point?"
"THERE WAS NOTHING THERE!"
The fangirl's cheeks puff out with anger. "I beg your pardon?!" She uncrosses her arms and points. "LOOK AT THESE!"
After yet another new cameraman is brought in, the scene continues. Garv sighs. "What the fuck are ya tryin' ta say, Val?"
"No mark!" Valgarv crows triumphantly. "It's a Ryuzoku habit to brand their lovers with a bite scar in the middle of the chest! And there's no mark there!"
Blanching, the fangirl begins to inch towards the exit, realizing she's been found out.
"Eh?" Garv says, pulling open the front of his trenchcoat and pointing at the pointy-toothed scar in the center of his chest. "Ya mean that's what that's for?"
Valgarv nods, brushing his veil off his face.
The fangirl makes a dash for the door, but unfortunately trips over Xelas's discarded perturbed expression. "Oh no!" she shrieks as she falls into Xelas's lap.
She looks up. "Save me!" she shrieks, throwing her arms around Xelas's neck and burying her face in Xelas's ample bosom... (the director gets dizzy with blood loss)
Garv and Valgarv turn back to the priest, knowing that the fangirl is no longer their concern.
Xelas sniffs the fangirl then licks her lips. A pack of wolves suddenly dashes in from all exits, terrorizing the crowd and heading towards the fangirl. One wolf knocks the cameraman over, and the view disappears into static.
EYECATCH: Xelas and Garv shouting angrily at each other, then suddenly fall down in a passionate clench. Luna and Valgarv run on and start hitting Garv and Xelas respectively with big mallets.
EYECATCH: Gourry and Zangulus swordfight in front of a bunch of torches. Suddenly, both transfer their swords to their other hands and make shadow puppets duel.
Camera travels along Lina's bare legs, up across her bikini, to focus briefly on her face. Appreciative male noises are heard from the camera man. Continue in this matter with Amelia, Filia, Sylphiel, Xelas, Luna, and Martina. Finally, on the last person. Cameraman's noises become vaguely disgusted as it travels along hairy legs, up over the curve of a hip, a bikini bottom, a flat chest, a bikini top, to Xelloss's face. Pull back to see Xelloss posing sexily in a girl's bikini. Xelloss speaks. "And now, for something completely different."
"Hey, Filia?"
The miko sighs, eyes wide, wearing a Sylphiel outfit. "Yes, Xelloss, dear?" she replies meekly.
Xelloss scratches his head, wearing a Gourry outfit. "I don't suppose you'd cook any of that yummy stew again tonight, would you?"
"Of course, dear Xelloss!" Filia gushes. "If you want me to, I'll do anything!"
"Gee," Xelloss says niavely. "Thanks Filia! You're such a pal!"
Filia swoons.
"You two are pathetic," Amelia snorts disgustedly, rolling her eyes. "I can't believe it! Stupid..."
Valgarv snickers. "Why're you so angry?"
"Oh, shut up!" Amelia exclaims. "Fireball!"
Lina sweatdrops. "Ano... Amelia-san... you shouldn't do that... we're all champions of justice, and it's not very just."
Amelia grew fangs as she shouts. "Forget justice! He was being annoying!"
Valgarv shakes soot off his tan outfit. "Fine." He pulls out a cup of tea and sips. "Can we get going? I have to find a cure. If we don't get going soon..."
Tears fill Lina's eyes. "Valgarv-san, you're not going to go off on your own again, are you?"
"I won't if we get moving."
Suddenly, Zelgadis appeared out of nowhere. "Amelia Seiryuun!" He shouted, eyes maniacal. "Prepare to die for my revenge for Rezo! Rezo Flare!"
"Lina! Valgarv!" Amelia shouted. "Guard position!"
"Right!" The other two agreed.
Above them, Gourry phazed in, floating with his eyes turned up in a smile. "Ne, ne, Zel-kun, aren't you forgetting about someone?"
Zelgadis swears and his aura flares red around him as he launches into super-fast combat with Gourry.
Spells rain down and people dive out of the way. Filia cowers and Xelloss steps in front of her. "Don't worry Filia! Hide!"
"Xelloss dear!" Filia exclaims.
Behind them all, a harsh male voice began to laugh maniacally. "OH HOH HOH HOH HOH HOH!"
Garv strode forward, wearing a very small leather bikini. "Amelia-chan! You left me behind again!"
Most of the cast turned green. The rope holding Gourry in the air broke and he fell to the stage. Valgarv's eyes bugged out. Lina and Amelia fell over. Filia and Sylphiel both turned around and started to retch. Xelloss broke into a bad case of hiccuping giggles.
Garv blushed and covered himself. "What the fuck are you laughing at?!?"
"That's far enough!" Lina squacked. "This just keeps getting weirder and weirder! I don't even WANNA know who she's going to cast as who next!!"
The camera does a slow pan up Garv's hairy legs, across his belly, up his chest... it's about this time he notices, blushes even deeper, snarls, and charges at the cameraman with his sword pulled out from somewhere, God knows where in that outfit. The camera fuzzes out yet again.
Filia needed help DAMN PRONTO! (No, for all you Filia haters out there... all you Filia lovers too... hell, even for people who don't give a damn, I don't mean professional help) Who knows when this new, as of yet unknown prophecy would come true? So, with the ability owned by all her race, she teleported directly to the location of the Ceipheed Knight.
Her eyes bulge out and her jaw drops to hit the floor at the sight that awaits her. "Luna-sama! What is going on!"
Luna lifts her head. "MMmmhuh? Oh... you again." Loosing interest, she goes back to her previous position.
"Wh - what's happening?!" Filia stammers, stunned.
The Ceipheed Knight's companion chuckles huskily. "Stupid question if I've ever heard one."
"But... but what are you DOING?!?"
Luna sighs, turning back to the Gold Dragon. "I'm having wild passionate sex with one of the two female generals of Shabrangido, Beastmaster Xelas Metallium. Why?"
Xelas chuckles again and her hands began to wander, dragging Luna's attention away.
Filia sputters. "But... but... but... but WHY?!"
There is a long pause before Luna's mouth is free of Xelas's and she can speak. "Because we're lovers, stupid."
"But... but... but... but WHY?!?"
The Beastmaster blinks then begins to laugh hysterically, slapping the bedsheets. Luna dodges out of the way of a flailing arm. "Because we are, ok?"
"But... but... but... but..."
Still laughing, the Beastmaster adds, "That's what they call two people when they - "
The Dragon Miko flushes. "I know that! I just... Luna-sama, you're Ceipheed Knight! You can't DO this!"
"I can't?" Luna asks mildly, disproving Filia's words.
Filia's eyes bulge even further. "ANO!!!! There's a prophecy of dark magic and you're... you know... with a Mazoku?!? For shame!!!"
"Prophecy?" Luna wonders. "Another one?" She sighs and reaches under the bed for writing utensils. Xelas pulls back and sits up to watch, sheets pooling at her waist and making Filia's ears steam. "You want me to be the head person, right? Well, I'm busy." She tosses Filia a note. "Go bug Lina. Now, skedaddle."
Filia skedaddles, drops the note off with the Superior Chiefs, and goes back to her tea shop where she proceeds to drink all the tea, get really wired, tear the place up in a screaming fit and leave Jiras and Grabos to fix it up.
Later...
"That was that Filia girl who Xel ranted about so much, huh?"
"Yeah."
"You suppose she's just a little freaked out about the nature of the universe now?"
"Yeah."
They snicker.
And now, a moment of scary dub Sylphiel flashbacks.
"Oh, Gourry dear."
"DEAR Gourry."
"Oh no, Gourry dear!"
"Gourry dear!"
"Dear Gourry..."
"Are you okay, dear Gourry?"
"Oh look, it's Gourry dear!"
"Gourry dear!"
"Dear Gourry..."
"Um... um... Gourry dear..."
"Dear Gourry!"
"My cup. My bear. My doll. My cup..."
"Oh, Gourry dear!"
"Dear Gourry..."
"Oh no, dear Gourry..."
"Gourry dear..."
Thank you. Paramedics will be sent immediately.
"Gourry, you idiot! Don't let me catch you back in here again!!"
The swordsman skedaddled, ducking the various thrown objects. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" he yelped. "How was I supposed to know you'd be changing?!"
He left the inn at a hurried pace. Gee, it would be a bad thing to go back when Lina was in that mood, he figured.
Then his heart nearly froze as he realized that it was the full moon again. He couldn't be outside at a time like this! He'd... he'd...
The moon rose, and Gourry felt the horrible CHANGE come over him again, mind warping from the way it normally was, twisting as the awful transformation took place.
Suddenly calm and perfectly collected, he strode into the nearest hospital.
"Dr. Gabriev!" One of the nurses shouted, rushing up to him. "Thank the gods you're back already!!! We were so worried!"
He took it in immediately. "What seems to be the problem?"
"We've got a lost adventurer back here, got in a fight with a troll, and we think he's in serious danger! A bit of his skull is stuck to his brain... we need your skills at once!"
Dr. Gabriev rolled up his sleeves and put on a sterylized mask. "Take me there at once."
[preview for next episode]
Lina: Hihi, everybody! Lina Inverse, sorceress of a sort. Coming up, what's going on?! Philbrezo, lost and missing his memory, thinking he's a simple shepherd's son? What are Xelloss and Zelgadis being so secretive of anyway?! A crossover with El-Hazard causing a certain redhead-obsessed girl to drop in among us? Locker skits? A remake of the parrot sketch with a dead Lina? THIS IS TERRIBLE!!! Of course, it's probably all lies, too. But wait and see! If you don't watch it... you won't be able to call in the nice men in white coats to drag the author away!!!
[end theme, Fair Wind, sung by Garv.]
As the first throbbing guitar cords come up, the screen does a brief flash effect with a picture of an eye, the end of a red-haired tassle, the hilt of a sword over a huge shoulder, the front of a trench coat, then a close up on Garv's face, eyes shut, full body shot, close up again, full body, and then his eyes snap open.
Garv: Ya-hah!
The camera circles around him as the music picks up and begins to take on something resembling the normal tune of 'Give A Reason'. His hand slowly raises and he undoes the first button of his trench coat.
Garv: high pitched Oooohhh Yeeaaaahhhhhh...
The rest of the buttons soon follow and as the music goes into the drumrolls, he tosses the shirt to one side, revealing that he's clad in a black fishnet shirt and tight red leather pants, neither of which suit him that well. But then, this is Garv, so nothing suits him that well...
Garv: My Baby, you don't know how much I love you behind of you...
Quick flash to a lonely looking Valgarv, head down, eyes in shadow, arms wrapped around himself. On the floor behind him is an autographed picture of Garv.
Garv: 'Cause you always look at the front, to get your dream in future.
Music picks up again, flashes back to Garv standing there singing, hand out. He rips off the fishnet shirt and continues to sing, shirtless. In the crowd, a few Garv fans faint.
Garv: My Baby, you don't know whether you meet with an accident...
Valgarv silently roars his anger and throws a Garv Flare at Lina and everybody. They all SD and scatter, itty bitty legs flying as they attempt to get away.
Garv: It's lonely like a bird, but it's really free like bird!
Garv undoes the button at the top of his leather pants, and SD Lina and SD Amelia run onstage with their censored sign but trip and fall into the audience, sign lost forever.
Garv: I know I just a fair wind, it's okay you can go to everywhere!
Image of Garv turns into a transparant image of merely his head on the wind, blowing up behind another image of sad Valgarv. It leans over Valgarv who notices it and goes into a position as though shrieking like a terrified fangirl.
Garv: I believe my love and I believe your love, go across ocean and blue sky!
A ghostly Garv is standing in the air above Valgarv, holding out a hand. Valgarv closes his eyes and takes Garv's hand, and they lift off in the air together.
Garv: Baby don't be afraid, if you try to fly away with a tiny shiny wing,
I'll be follow you every day and every night! Valgarv flies alone in the night, tears streaming from his eyes, a thought box with Garv inside above his head as he flies. Camera pans back to show Xelloss laughing like a maniac on the ground behind, wearing only a pair of boxers with kiss-marked patterns and with 'Eat me, Valgarv!' written in lipstick on his chest.
Garv: Baby don't be afraid, if you stay by breaking heart, through the lonely shady night, I'll be hug your pain whenever and forever! Back to the Garv singing on stage. He undoes the fly of his pants, but fortunately, shadows cover whatever someone COULD see.
Garv: Ya-hah!
During the bridge, image of Garv and Valgarv tangoing, pictures being snapped off by paparazzi. Xelas and Xelloss rush in, waving various weapons, but Garv and Valgarv chase 'em off with whips and chains.
Garv: My Baby, keep in mind how much I love you beside of you...
SD Valgarv sits on a clearly wooden cloud, daydreaming and blushing. He kicks his legs as he dreams. SD Filia flaps by holding up a sign reading 'cloud 9'.
Garv: This way is hard like hill, but it's a really sweet like kiss!
Long, long, long kissing scene between Valgarv and Garv. Long. Did I mention it's long?
Garv: I know I just a fair wind, it's okay you can go to everywhere!
Again the image of Garv-as-wind, but this time Valgarv is fast asleep, nosebubble and all. Garv gets pissed off and blows in his ear, waking him, who falls out of bed.
Garv: I believe my soul, and I believe your soul, go catch exciting chance and dream...
Baby Valteria laughs happily as Filia blows bubbles in his face. One bubble has a Garv in it and floats around his head. Another has a Xelloss, and Valteria reaches out and pops that one.
Garv: Baby don't be afraid, if you try to fly away, with a tiny shiny wing, I'll be follow you, every day, and every night!
Valgarv makes a long, seemingly lonely trip across a desert. Suddenly, Garv appears behind him and jumps him. Again... Valgarv shrieks like a terrified fangirl.
Garv: Baby don't be afraid, if you stay by breaking heart, through the lonely shady night, I'll be hug your pain whenever and forever.
Xelloss kisses Valgarv, who reaches out, grabs a mallet and starts hitting the Mazoku priest repeatedly, all the while ... you guessed it... shrieking like a fangirl. Meanwhile, Xelloss is ^_^ bonk ^_^ bonk ^_^ bonk ^_^... During the next instrumental, Garv rips off his pants and tosses 'em into the audience, some of whom scream in panic, some of whom scream in delight, but most of whom just shriek like fangirls. Which they are. Except for the few fanboys. Who still shriek like fangirls.
Garv: Yeah, baby baby baby!
Garv dances around, and the crowd can see that his boxer shorts have cute little Valgarv heads on them, pulling out their lower eyelids and sticking out their tongues.
Garv: I know I just a fair wind, it's okay you can go to everywhere!
For some reason ecstatic, Valgarv prances up the top of a hill, again with Garv in a thought bubble.
Garv: I believe my love, and I believe your love, go across ocean and blue sky!
Hugging himself, Valgarv walks happily off a cliff. About halfway down, he realizes that he didn't pull out his wings and shrieks like a fangirl as he hits the water. The Garv head in the thought bubble facefaults and shakes his head in dispair.
Garv: Baby don't be afraid, if you try to fly away, with a tiny shiny wing, I'll be follow you, every day, and every night!
Valgarv sneaks out, handkerchief tied under his nose. Garv sneaks out after him. The half-Ryuzoku peeks around into a room where a bubble pops up, showing Xelas and Xelloss in a tangle of arms and legs. Garv taps him on the shoulder and... he shrieks like a fangirl.
Garv: Baby don't be afraid, if you stay by breaking heart, through the lonely shady night, I'll be hug your pain whenever and forever.
Naked, Xelas and Xelloss chase them out, outraged, with whips and chains. Garv and Valgarv "take care of each other's wounds".
Garv: Ya-hah!
During the instrumental, Valgarv gets on stage and tangos with Garv. He's also clad in only boxers with Garv heads on them. Garv's got his eyes crossed. The crowd has now either left in disgust or fainted out of surprise or terror. SD Slayers NEVER character run around the tangoing two, either shouting their questions, poking fun at them, or simply being hyper. Xelloss falls on his face, and Garv and Valgarv trip over him. The frame freezes as they fall into the crowd.
Valgarv: Ya fuckin' LIAR! THERE WERE NO SCENES WITH ME AND THE FRUITCAKE!
Xelloss: ^_^ Aw, Val. You love me. You really love me.
Harukami: backing away Yes there were! ^_^ Just not the way you thought!
Valgarv: FUCK! YA BITCH! GARV FLARE!
Harukami: 0o MEEP!
Xelloss: raises camera Kodak moment... smile for the camera!
Harukami: AAHHHHH IT BURNS IT BURNS IT BURNS!
Valgarv: FEEL THE BURN! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
click - the image is recorded for ever and ever