The Three Little Pigs


Once again, everyone is crowded into Kalis' apartment. Hiding in her room, Kalis is contemplating the way to get their attention this time.

Kalis: Okay, I did the lights; I've used the megaphone; what to do this time?

After coming up with the perfect plan, Kalis opens her door and starts to walk out of the room. It is then that she notices she already has undivided attention. Apparently the group had learned their lesson. Dissapointed, Kalis begins to tell them what they were doing today.

Kalis: I know that you are all very excited to be here today.

Minna: (sarcasm very evident) Yeah right!

Lina: Forget this, I'm leaving.

Kalis: No! I mean, you wouldn't want to leave before we do this. (checking her wallet) I'll buy you dinner?

Lina: Right! Well I wouldn't want to abandon you when you so expertly came up with tonights script.

Xellos: (to Kalis) Are you sure about this Kali-chan. How can you possibly afford Lina's dinner.

Kalis: Oh don't worry. I've got everything under control. (to everybody) This one is going to have a small cast, so most of you will be able to go home. Or stay and watch. Tonights show will be The Three Little Pigs. You all know the drill.

She posts the list on the wall next to the door.

1st Pig (Piglet) -- Gourry Gabriev
2nd Pig (Piggy) -- Lina Inverse
3rd Pig (Pig-meister) -- Zelgadis Greywords
Big Bad Wolf -- Xellos Metallium

Kieran: What's with the names Kalis?

Kalis: You don't like them? I thought they were funny. Besides, I can't just call them First, Second, and Third. Now can I?

Xellos: Looks like everybody who wasn't in it left. I'm starting to think that nobody likes your plays, Kali-chan.

Kalis: No such luck. I see Amelia hiding behind the sofa over there.

Amelia: I can't believe you left me out again. I'm starting to think you don't like me.

Kalis: That's because .. I DON'T! Come on everyone, lets go. You are not invited Amelia.

The group starts to leave when Kalis looks back and sees Zelgadis still staring at the casting list.

Kalis: What's wrong Zel-kun? Can't find your name? It's right here, 3rd Pig.

Zelgadis: Pig-meister? I refuse to do this.

Lina: Come on Zel. I'm hungry and as soon as this is over, we can eat. You don't want me to stay hungry, do you?

Seeing the look on her face, Zelgadis agrees and leaves with the rest of them. Amelia looks after them with a contemplative look.

Let's Begin

Scene One: The childhood

Kieran: Once upon a time, there were three little pigs. They lived with their mother all alone in the middle of the forest. One day the mother went out to go buy some food for Piglet and Piggy and some Mountain Dew for Pig-meister.

Zelgadis: Mountain Dew?

Kalis: Well you're too young to drink coffee. This way, you can still get your caffine fix in the morning, .. noon .. evening .. night ..

As she continues to count Zelgadis' caffine cravings, Kieran continues with the story.

Kieran: About a week later, the three children figured that their mother wasn't coming back.

Faceless extra -- Mother: I'm free! I'm free!

Kieran: Okay, well, the pigs never really got along together and so they decided to leave. Besides a hurricane was about to come and destroy their home. Kalis? A hurricane in the middle of the forest? What were you smoking when you wrote this?

Kalis: It's my artistic liscense. Later on, I think that there are even pigs flying. Go on with the story.

Kieran: Anyway. With the hurricane approaching, the pigs decided to move to another forest.

Xellos: Kali-chan, you shouldn't smoke your artistic liscense. If it is gone then the Art Police will come to take you away.

Scene Two: New forest

Lina: We should build it out of wood. There is plenty of that around here, and it is easy to work with.

Gourry: No we should build it out of ... straw. Yeah, that's it. Now that stuff is easy to work with.

Zelgadis: You both are wrong. We need to build a strong, sturdy house. We should build it out of bricks.

Lina: Bricks! Those are way to expensive, and heavy. We need wood.

Gourry: Straw!

Zelgadis: Bricks!

Lina: Wood!

Kieran: The three continued to argue for another two days.

Zelgadis: How about we just build our own houses. Then we won't have to live together anymore.

Lina + Gourry: Good idea!

Kieran: Coming to a conclusion they all could live with, the three pigs when on there own ways.

Scene Three: Wolf's entrance

Kieran: Meanwhile the alpha-wolf in this part of the forest was watching everything with his purple slitted eyes.

Xellos: Finally, I'm actually in this play. Hm, little pigs fighting, yummy. ^_^

Kieran: The wolf goes off to stalk his first choice of prey.

Just then, Kalis walks in with her hair all mussed and her shirt on inside-out.

Kieran: Kalis, where were you? Usually, you don't miss your own plays.

Kalis: I was uh .. busy. Did Xellos get back here on time?

Kieran: Yeah, he was just here. (sly-like) So, if you weren't here, how did you know that Xellos was gone?

Kalis: (blushing like .. uh .. something very red) Anyways, let's keep this moving people. (to Kieran) Where are we now?

Kieran: We were just about to start scene four.

Kalis: Okay, let's get to scene four. Is the straw house ready yet?! Action!

Scene Four: House of Straw

Kieran: Piglet decided he had the best idea and set out to build his house out of straw. Coincidentely (or luckily as Piglet saw it) there was a large pile of straw in this castle tower nearby. The girl in there didn't seem to be using it and he needed it for his house so, Piglet decided to help himself.

Gourry: Wow, I sure was lucky to find all this straw. I'm sure the girl sleeping at the spinning wheel didn't mind.

Kieran: Piglet gathers his straw together and manages to build a fairly nice hut out of it.

Kalis: Fairly nice doesn't cover it. Gourry, that's a mansion. How did you build that out of a pile of straw?

Gourry: Easy, I'm a cartoon.

Kalis: O-kay. Go on Kieran.

Kieran: One day while Piglet was enjoying his dinner there was a knock on the door.

Gourry: Come in!

Xellos: (peeks his head through the door) Uhm, Gourry? Aren't you going to make sure it's not someone dangerous?

Gourry: Oh, I can take care of myself. What did you need Xellos?

Xellos: (whining to Kalis) Does this mean that I don't get to blow down his house?

Kalis: It is a nice house. Oh well, we can't really move on till you do. Go ahead and blow down the house Xellos-sama.

Xellos: Yea! ^_^

Xellos walks back out of the house and begins to 'huff and puff' After the house is down Gourry still hasn't moved.

Kalis: Gourry, you are supposed to run away so the wolf doesn't eat you. Now run to Lina's house.

Kieran: After listening to the director, Piglet finally gets up and runs to his sisters house. The wolf's meal denied, he follows the young pig to the house of wood.

Scene Five: House of Wood

Kieran: Piggy had decided that the cheapest way to build her house would be to use wood. She gathered and chopped wood and soon built herself a crude but decent home.

Lina: Hah! This house is perfect, and I didn't have to spend a cent.

Kieran: A few days later, Piggy's older brother Piglet came running to her door.


Kalis: Where is Gourry! He should have been here by now.

Amelia: I saw him on his way to Lina's house.

Kalis: Damn, I did tell him to run to Lina's house. I guess I shouldn't have assumed he would know what I meant. ... Wait a minute. What are you doing here?! I really need to get better security.

Kieran: Kalis, we need to have a Piglet. She can take over Gourry's part.

Kalis: No! We'll just pretend that the wolf got him after blowing down his house. That's how the story is supposed to go anyway. The wolf really does eat the first two pigs, it was just cleaned up by worrisome mothers who don't want to tramautize their kids by letting them know there is such a thing as death in the world. We are going on, and we will have to ignore that annoying princess.

Kieran: Okay, well, (improvising) Piglet had never made it to his sister's house. The wolf had managed to catch him on the way there. Therefore, Piggy did not have any warning of the wolf in the forest.

Lina: Ahh!! Slugs! Salt, salt, where's the salt! FIREBALL!! FIREBALL!! DRAGON SLAVE!!!!

Kalis: Lina, wasn't that a little overdoing it.

Kieran: Having blown up her house, Piggy decides to go to her brother's house.

Kalis: Okay, let's go.

Five Minutes Later

Xellos: Where is everybody? The script says that I'm supposed to blow the house down. It looks like somebody had already blown the house up. Well, I'll just wait here.

Scene Six: House of brick

Lina: Come on Pig-meister, let me in. Please.

Zelgadis: No. You'll probably end up blowing up my house too.

Lina: Only if there are slugs in there. Well I guess somebody is going to be sleeping on the couch tonight.

Kieran: Pig-meister quickly opened his door and allowed Piggy to come in.

Zelgadis: Where's Piglet?

Lina: For all I know, he got eaten by some wolf.

Kieran: As though on cue, a wolf approached the House of Brick. .. Hey Kalis, where's Xellos?

Kalis: I don't know, I'll go look for him.

Kalis starts backtracking through the forest looking for her long lost wolf. When she arrived at the clearing that once held the House of Wood, she saw her love sitting alone on the ground, staring off in the other direction. Seeing a chance to surprise him, she starts sneaking up behind him. Suddenly Xellos dissappears, and reappears behind Kalis. He wraps his arms around her before she could react.

Xellos: Kali-chan, why did everyone leave without me? Were you guys trying to abandon me?

Kalis: Of course not Xellos-sama. We just kinda forgot about you.

Xellos: Aww, Kali-chan mmwf.

Xellos' whining was quickly cut off with a kiss from his Kali-chan.

Kalis: Come on, we should get back to the rest of the group .. Xellos, aren't you coming?

Grabbing Kalis' arm, Xellos pulls her back into the clearing and proceeds to kiss her without any intention of getting back anytime soon. Meanwhile, back at the House of Brick.

Lina: Kieran, you are aware that we just sent Kalis off to find Xellos, right.

Kieran: Yeah, so?

Zelgadis: Meaning Kalis and Xellos are together ... and alone.

Minna: Shit.

half hour later

Xellos and Kalis finally returned to the House of Brick and the group got on with the rest of the scene.

Xellos: (really into it) Little pig, little pig, let me in.

Zelgadis: (not into it) Not by the hair on my chinny, chin, chin.

Kalis: No, no Zel-kun. That just won't do at all. Do it again and put some feeling into it.

Zelgadis: (over the top) Not by the hair on my chinny, chin, chin.

Kalis: No that was too much. Try to mean it, but still we want keep it real. I mean, I want it to sound natural. Or maybe ..

Lina: I don't want to stay here all night Kalis. Forget about the line and let's get this over with.

Kalis: (Dissapointed) Fine. Xellos.

Xellos: Okay, then I will huff, and I will puff, and blow your house down.

Kieran: The wolf huffed and puffed, but he could not blow down the House of Brick. So then, ..

Xellos: .. I pulled out my staff and blew the house up.

Kieran: The two pigs cast Ray Wings and managed to get out of the house before it blew up.

Kalis: See, I told you that the pigs were going to fly.

Kieran: Piggy and Pig-meister found out that they were both adopted and not related so they decided they love eachother. The big bad wolf found out he enjoyed annoying the pigs better than eating them. So the three lived happily ever after. The end.

The End

Amelia: What kind of ending was that?

Kalis: A quick one. Why are you still here?

Amelia: As a servant of justice, I must make sure that all the children that read this story know what the moral is. So, the moral of The Three Little Pigs is ...

Xellos: That noone is safe from the Big Bad Wolf! Ha ha ha!!

Amelia: No, that's not it. The moral is --

Kalis: (drowning out Amelia) That's right Xellos. All you kiddies out their need to remember: No matter how much time, work, and money you put into something; you will never be safe from the Big Bad Wolf. Let's all go home now.

Lina: Ahem.

Kieran: Kalis, you didn't forget about Lina's dinner have you?

Kalis: I think Sizzler's is still open, I'll get Lina the all you can eat Salad Bar.

Zelgadis: Lina has already been banned from Sizzler's.

Kalis: Golden Corral?

Xellos: There too.

Kalis: Ryan's?

Lina: Nope, not yet. Let's go. I'm hungry!!

The small group climb into The Broken Bedtime Stories Bus, that Kalis had gotten for all her plays, and drove down to Ryan's. Upon arriving, one of the waiters who used to work at Golden Corral recognized Lina and ran screaming from the establishment.

Lina ate till her hearts content (well actually until the place ran out of food), and they all went home for some well deserved sleep.

Kalis: For once I ended this without insinuating anything between me and Xellos.

Kieran: That's because you took care of that throughout the entire play.

Kalis: Well, .. shut up.

Xellos: Yeah, leave Kali-chan alone.

Xellos grabbed ahold of Kalis and phazed the two of them to some unknown destination. Kalis was wrong, she can't end a play without insinuating things between her and Xellos.

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