I sit reading his journal and fight against the sea of emotions threatening to overwhealm me. My hands tighten into fist as I read over his few enteries that are far between. I bite back a chocked sob as I gain yet another insight to him. Things I never knew, things he felt yet never told me. I remember when I first met him, and tremble. He towered over me and with the gentlest of touch enfolded me into his warm comforting embrace. He offered me my life in exchanged for my soul. But he also offered me the one thing I wanted most, revenge. How could I not pass up the chance to avenge the murder of my race? So I made that pact with the devil himself and I have never once regreted it.
"I'll admit that I did it on a whim. I was bored, life has become downright boring! And what os a Dark Lord underneath Shabrinigdo supposed to do when that happens? Simply answer, find a new plaything to amuse me. And what better plaything then a Ancient Dragon? Watching him stuggling against his nature was very amusing. But watching him slowly loose himself to his very thirst for revenge was exquisite. Yes he provided me with hours of amusement and I never once regretted turning him, no I never regreted it."
I fought, L-sama knows I fought against it but it was so hard. I suddenly had a thousand new sensations and cravings battering my already exhausted mind. But revenge was tantamont. Nothing else was important, nothing, not even my very sanity. And I came so close to losing even that. Many would argue that I went mad but I didn't. I simply had to evolve, and if that evolution made me a monster, I did it willingly.
"Watching him spiral towards maddness filled me with fixed feelings. On one hand his dispair and anger was very fulfiling. But on the other hand was the reluctance to let him go. I admit it was foolish to allow some attachment to grow towards my plaything but I was lonely. And he was there. But as he deteriated and became almost uncontrolable I had to interviene. I found that I didn't want to lose my friend quiet yet. And I know how dangerous it is for Mazuko to form friendships, but he became my friend and I did it willingly."
I was rather surprised when he opened up to me. Before he was so cold and almost distant. We had settled into a routine that suited both of us but then he and I suddenly begain to talk. And I discoved a bright and caring perosn beneath his gruff exteriour. He truly did amaze me at how well he had managed to convince others that he was a cold-blooded, merciless killer. And he could be, all of us are capable of that but he was not as bad as he wanted othrs to think. But the worst thing that came about because of this odd friendship was that I slowly lessened in my pursuit for revenge. But I think that may be what saved my sanity at the time and for that I owe him once again. And then a shattering realization struck me, I cared for him.
"He and I started out rockily. Our personalities were vastly different and he was very aggressive and adamant against friendships. That took a lot of patience on my part, and I fear that patience is something I lack. But I grit my teeth and tried a tactic I had never tried before, I talked. And in our talking, that simple comunnicatio we formed a bond that has lasted to this day. And if I would be so bold as to say that I think our friendship is what kept him from going over the edge. But I didn't care I had my friend back. But when Xellos nearly drove the Gold Dragons into extinction and robbed him of his very reason for living, I nearly lost him again. I was filled with dread when I finally realzed that I cared for him. Not as a amusement or a plaything but as another person. And it rocked me to my very bones that I could care for him, that I did care for him."
I hated the entire wolrd when my revenge was so cruely ripped from me. Even physical comform wasn't enough to soothe what was left of my ravaged soul. He tried to comfort me, something no one had ever done since I lost my entire family. At first I pushed him away, I didn't want him or his pity. But he was always there, always at my side when the nightmares became too much. He helped me plan my revenge against Xellos for his transgression. And I think our relationship changed, evolved into something deeper. Something that went far beyond master and servant, beyond friends, beyond lovers. Beyond everything I had ever experianced and it scared me.
"I am confused. As of late I have been growing more anf more lsitless, as if I have lost a purpose or I am lacking something. Yet I am need of nothing. I have everything I could ever want, everything I ever needed. But why do I fill unfulfilled, empty? It strikes me sddenly that I long for the one thing I can never have, the one think he could never provide, love. And that scared me"
If someone had told me that he wanted lvoe I would have laughed in his face. But now it doesn't seem so funny now. No now it's deadly serious and I don't know what to think. Was I capable of love, I always thought that that emotion was seared form my very heart when all I cared for was ripped away from me. And that knowlegde has lasted me throughout the centuries kept me going. Given me strength and kept me sane. But no I know that I was wrong, but by the tiem I had figured this out it was too late.
"Soon the final regoconing will be realized. Time grows short and there is so much I must do. Too much I fear but I don't want to involve him. If things fall apart I don't want to drag him down with me. No above all else I want him to survive, I don't want him to be hurt anymore. It fills me with bitterness to think that I have become so...soft. If Zellas knew how I felt she would torture me to no end, but I don't care. I have plenty of time to tell him don't I? That was befire I knew that it was too late. Too late for him and too late for me. I should have told him that I loved him, but now it's too late."
I slam the book shut with a cry. I can read no more it is too much. I am vaguely aware of the tears burning in my eyes. But the burning sensation in my eyes is nothing compaired to the pain that threatens to cut me down. How could I have been such a fool? I hug my knees to my chest tightly and try to find some baring in my life. But without him I am lsot and afloat in a sea of my own dispair. A creation of my own and now I have nothing standing between me and my own feelings. No anchor, no upport, nothing. I am utterly alone. I have lost the light that he brought into my life so I must draw upon the darkness that lurkes within my heart. I have nothing left but my revenge and I will have to make that suffice. But that doesn't stop me from cluntchnig my eyes shut, trying in vain to stop betraying tears. I have no hope left, I have nothing. What chance I had at love is gone, blasted into oblivion by a monster mascarading as a child. But it was her fault that I lost him so I will get my revenge. I was born for revenge, how fitting that I shall die for it.............