navy = flashback
"Zel! Gourry! What the hell's goin' on?"
Zelgadis did not wait for the light behind the bandit's eyes to die before allowing the man's body to slump to the ground. Turning his back on the soon to be corpse and on the rapidly approaching girls, he knelt in front of Gourry. As relieved as he was to see the relatively small size of the dark stain which had crept from beneath the arms the swordsman had clasped about his middle, he was equally dismayed that Gourry had still not moved out of his hunched position and did not seem aware of his presence.
"Are you guys all right?"
Good question.
Just as with the first, Zelgadis did not bother to respond to Lina's latest shout as he leaned forward a little and asked, "Are you all right, Gourry?"
No. He was not. That much was made plain to Zelgadis when, instead of answering, fine tremors began to vibrate across Gourry's torso.
Hell! Why had he left Gourry on his own? He should never have allowed the bandits to separate him from the swordsman.
Hands forming fists where they rested on his thighs, Zelgadis closed his eyes, Gourry's lack of response spelling out the gravity of the mistake he had made in abandoning the swordsman to his own devices this past week.
Zelgadis had known from the beginning that Gourry would find it difficult to deal with what Fibrizzo had done to him. He should have been there for his friend the moment Gourry had been released from Hellmaster's power.
"Gourry!"
Oh, my god, his face!
Unable to help himself, Zelgadis shrank away from Gourry, recognizing the emotions the
death of Hellmaster Fibrizzo had freed in the swordsman, shying away as the raw horror and
revulsion seeping from his friend's wide, staring eyes stirred the dark cauldron of his own
memories, raising spectral echoes of the ordeal he had endured at the hands of Rezo.
No! Damn it all! Control it!
"Lina...san?"
Glad of the distraction, Zelgadis glanced around the cavern, searching for his other
friend.
Lina? Does that hesitancy mean Amelia thinks Lina is hurt too?
Slowly, the golden glow which had absorbed and destroyed Fibrizzo contracted until all
that remained was a nimbus which settled over and around the redheaded sorceress' slender body
as if it were encasing her in armor.
No, there she is and she looks all right, so-,
"No. That is not Lina Inverse. I have seen all that has occurred here. That person is
the source of all Chaos, the Golden Lord."
Wha -- Xellos? No! What is he talking about? He can't possibly mean that Lina --
"You -- you mean that is the Lord of Nightmares?!?" Zelgadis demanded,
pinning the long absent, but not very much missed mazoku, in his stare. When Xellos simply
nodded his confirmation, he reeled around to face the Mother of all Chaos, his mind faltering,
all other concerns swept aside by the wave of shock, fear, and confusion which crested over
him.
He does mean it! God, she killed Fibrizzo so easily, what will she do to us? Look at
Xellos. His deep obeisance. Does he fear her? He must to offer her such unquestioning
homage! But, how did this happen? Did Lina use the Giga Slave against Hellmaster? Did she
lose control of it?
He said that he had seen all that occurred. He must know!
Desperately, Zelgadis turned back to Xellos. Without a shred of pride, he silently
begged the mazoku lord for an answer free of innuendoes or half-truths, and for once, he
obliged.
"She spoke the very words herself. 'My power is my mind'."
"M -- meaning the Giga Slave is the Lord of Nightmares herself?" Zelgadis stammered,
numbly trying to understand. Lina called the Lord of Nightmares to her when she cast that
spell? But... If that is the Golden Lord, then --
"Where's Lina? What has happened to Lina?" Zelgadis shouted, appalled certainty
concerning the fate of his friend bleeding into his numbness and splintering it.
"That's right! Where's Lina-san?"
Pain shot through Zelgadis' chest when, instead of answering either Amelia or himself,
Xellos simply looked away and shook his head.
Oh, no, not Lina. Such a bright flame could not have been snuffed so easily. She --
"I appear on this world because the one called Lina willed me to."
Somehow, Zelgadis found the fortitude to turn and meet the gaze of the being staring at
them through Lina's eyes, though he very nearly quailed as the sheer power throbbing around
the Lord of Nightmares warped what had once been so familiar beyond all recognition.
"She sacrificed all that she was in order to save that man's life. The human called
Gourry."
God, Gourry. Oh, no...
At Gourry's sharp intake of breath, Zelgadis resisted his first impulse to turn to the
swordsman, for he knew what he would see. That pronouncement would have compounded the
swordsman's guilt and horror and he did not know how he could face the intensity of the
self-loathing which would now undoubtedly be blazing from Gourry's eyes without it calling out
to and awakening the kindred emotions he desperately tried to keep suppressed and buried deep
within himself.
But, in the end, like all the rest of his companions, Zelgadis turned, and though his
muscles quivered, straining as the battle raging in his mind between the instinctive urge to
flee and the equally instinctive need to help Gourry pulled him in opposing directions, he
stood his ground.
Gourry, it's not your fault! She did it because she loves you! Don't you see?
No, he did not see.
It was obvious Gourry did not understand Lina's motive. The swordsman was unable to
grasp why the sorceress would sacrifice herself for him when he had tried so many times to
hurt her. Gourry had lost sight of the fact that it had not been him, but Fibrizzo acting
through him, who had tried to hurt them all.
Steeling himself, Zelgadis took a step forward. No matter that he did not want to, he
had to do something. Perhaps only he could, for no other could relate to both Lina's
reasoning and Gourry's anguish. Suffering a similar experience at the hands of Rezo, he knew
the vile whirlpool of guilt, misery and self-hatred circling in Gourry's head and pulling him
beneath its foul surface. Loving Gourry as much as Lina, he fully understood the sorceress'
sacrifice, for in her place he would have done the same.
Oh, my friends, forgive me. Would that I were capable of casting the Giga Slave, Lina,
for my life would be a small price to pay in exchange for sparing both you and Gourry.
"No! It's not true!"
The savage rejection of Lina's passing shook Zelgadis from his grief. The gossamer-fine
blond silk which wisped across his face as Gourry brushed past him drew him around. His eyes
widened in stunned amazement as his friend addressed the Lord of Nightmares and demanded
Lina's return.
Worms of apprehension gnawing their way into his intestines, Zelgadis sat back on his heels and soundly cursed himself. Events had moved so quickly after Gourry had challenged the impossible power of the Lord of Nightmares, and he had let them distract him from speaking with the swordsman concerning his captivity.
Zelgadis had been filled with awe and pride when Gourry had flung himself after the Golden Lord to prevent her from leaving. He had been terror-filled when the swordsman had followed that being into the strange black sphere which had hovered over the bones of ruined Sairaag. He had been drained empty of everything as he had tried to disavow the death of the one person remaining in his life that he knew he could not bear to lose. He had been rejuvenated by a flood of pure, exultant joy when Gourry had returned to him, cradling Lina in his arms, both of them alive and apparently intact. His head had spun at the nauseating speed with which Martina had changed her dreams of matrimony into reality.
But, since leaving Martina and Zangulus, Zelgadis had no other excuse for remaining silent other than that he was the worst type of recreant. He had been indefensibly negligent in allowing Gourry's deterioration to progress to the level which huddled before him now.
When things had finally settled down enough for him to be able to think again, Zelgadis had been guiltily relieved to realize that days had passed without Gourry seeming to require any kind of reassurance or comfort from him after all. So relieved that he had continued to hide behind his cozy wall of denial even after the other man plainly began to exhibit gross behavioral changes.
After Xellos returned the Hikari no Ken to him at the beginning of their journey back to Saillune, Gourry had seemed to lose himself. Gradually, the friendly, outgoing swordsman was replaced by a distant, aloof stranger, who spoke very little, if at all, and went out of his way to avoid contact with any of them. Every day the swordsman lost more of his appetite until, where it had once rivaled Lina's, Gourry was eating less than Zelgadis himself. Each night Gourry's sleep grew more disturbed and every morning he woke looking more haggard than when he had taken to his bedroll. With each bandit attack the swordsman lost a little more of the ability and grace with which he had always wielded the Hikari no Ken, until he seemed to fight with the clumsiness of a poorly constructed golem.
Yet, Zelgadis had done nothing. He had stood silently by, trying to convince himself that Gourry would get better, and simply watched as the swordsman lost his battle to cope with what had been done to him.
Terrified that every one of his own personal demons would be resurrected if he should offer Gourry his aid, Zelgadis had withheld it, and the swordsman's present, almost catatonic, state was the direct result of his inaction.
Zelgadis ignored his companions as they slid to a halt behind him, wavering at the brink of drawing his friend into his arms and telling him it would be all right, the desire clashing with his fear and holding him back.
"Zelgadis, are you deaf? Why didn't you answer!"
Because I'm a little involved with Gourry right now, Lina!
Zelgadis stiffened, comprehension stealing over him. That was right. He was as involved with Gourry as one person could be with another without taking that final step into intimacy, though the swordsman never had and never would guess the depth of Zelgadis' devotion to him. If he wanted to settle the conflict within himself, then all he had to do was answer one simple question: Would he allow himself to be the cause of Gourry's downfall instead of that bandit's blade?
No!
Zelgadis swallowed hard, trying to quell the little butterfly twinges of adrenaline which were shooting through his body and hunkered down further in an attempt to see Gourry's face. "Gourry, it's Zelgadis," he murmured as gently as he was able, "Can you hear me?"
"What's with him, Zel?"
Not acknowledging Lina's strident and very much annoyed inquiry, Zelgadis carefully pushed against Gourry's shoulders. Though the other man straightened without resistance, he continued to shiver as if he were being exposed to sub-zero degree temperatures and his staring eyes contained a disturbing blankness.
"Lina-san! Zelgadis-san! He's hurt!"
Zelgadis inwardly grimaced as Amelia once more exhibited her remarkable gift for stating the obvious, but otherwise he continued to ignore his female companions as he reached forward and tried to pry Gourry's forearms apart. "Come on, Gourry," he whispered when it became apparent that without the other man's cooperation, he would have to use far more of his strength than he was willing in order to get a look at the swordsman's side.
"Those guys wounded you, Gourry? God, they were laughable! How could you have let them hurt you?"
Damn Lina!
Though his first inclination was to leap to his feet and berate the redheaded sorceress for her insensitivity, Zelgadis did not. Lina was a smart girl and must know how badly Gourry had to be hurting inside to allow someone like that bandit to get the better of him. She was just being her normal, abrasive self. Well, maybe she was being a little more abrasive than usual since she was no doubt irritated by their current bandit infestation, but still, that did not warrant an attack by him. Perhaps, because of his own experiences, he was just being overly sensitive.
Rigidly controlling himself, Zelgadis again reached for the swordsman's arms as he murmured, "Gourry, won't you let me see your side?"
"Yeah. Let Zel at that scratch so we can be on our way."
"No."
Zelgadis flinched back from the swordsman at that single harsh syllable, barely able to hear a shadow of Gourry's normally smooth tenor in that low, rasping growl.
"Why the hell not? Sure, it's not serious, but how 'bout letting Zel fix you up anyway. That way you won't slow us down any more than you already have!"
Maybe Lina was not so smart after all!
Nearly growling as the swordsman's shoulders were shaken by a larger tremor, Zelgadis struggled to control his temper. He had to react logically to the sorceress, not emotionally.
Was it fair to expect someone who had never had control of their mind and body ripped from them to understand how one could be injured by such an experience? Lina's possession by the Lord of Nightmares may have looked similar to Gourry's enslavement by Fibrizzo on the surface, yet it was an entirely different affair.
Lina had not been enslaved. She had been thrust from her body and consumed by the Chaos which was the Lord of Nightmares. She remembered neither her absorption nor the Golden Lord's visitation, and other than accomplishing the demise of Fibrizzo, that being had done nothing which could be considered harmful while resident in Lina's body. So, having no basis for comparison, it was likely that the sorceress would not intuitively recognize the symptoms which were so obvious to him.
"No! I don't want anything from any of you. Why can't you all just leave me alone?!?"
"It's not like Zel will have to strain or anything to heal you. If you don't want him, then let Amelia see to it. Geez, I still don't know how you managed to let them cut you anyway!"
Wincing at the sorceress' condescending tone, Zelgadis rose and took one step towards Lina. This had gone far enough. Maybe the sorceress did speak from ignorance, but he could no longer allow that as an excuse. Any person with half a brain could see that Gourry was hurting and should be handled gently even if she did not understand the reason why!
"Because I'm an idiot! I mess things up! I'm nothing but a burden to you all!"
The pain in that voice tore into Zelgadis, quenching his anger and making him forget all about Lina. Gourry was worsening. When he turned back to the other man, he was distressed to see that the swordsman's eyes were no longer blank, but wild and wounded, containing little rationality.
"How can you say that, Gourry-san?"
"Because it's true! Zelgadis was almost killed again today! Again! And, it was my fault!"
"No, Gourry," Zelgadis protested. He crouched down in front of the swordsman and held out his arms so that the other man could see the unblemished stone of his skin through the rents in the sleeves of his tunic. "I'm not hurt."
"Geez, Zel. What'd you do? Leave yourself open on purpose like you did way back when with Dilgear or are you just getting as sloppy as Gourry?"
"Shut up, Lina," Zelgadis quietly grated, gritting his teeth against the snarl which struggled to escape him as he glanced back over his shoulder at the redhead. She was being more thick-witted than she had ever accused Gourry of being and if she didn't soon realize that she should hold her tongue, he might just have to cut it out and strangle her with it!
Zelgadis caught and held the swordsman's eyes as he cautiously dismissed Lina again. Projecting every bit of sincerity he could muster into his voice, he repeated, "I'm not hurt, Gourry. You know that an ordinary sword cannot hurt me."
"No! I almost killed you, Zel! I almost killed you again!"
"Again, Gourry-san? What do you mean by again? When did you ever -- "
"He means that Fibrizzo thing, Amelia, don't you, Gourry. God! When are you gonna get it through your head? You couldn't help attacking us!"
"No! I'm supposed to be your guardian, Lina, but I tried to kill you!"
Zelgadis started to reach towards Gourry as the swordsman grew increasingly agitated, but froze when the other man jerked himself to his feet.
"I tried to kill all of you!"
"No, Gourry," Zelgadis gently contradicted, slowly rising and extending one hand. Gourry was as panicked as a deer caught in the midst of a forest fire and somehow, though he didn't quite know how, he had to soothe the swordsman before he...
"I'm a danger to you all! Some guardian! You're better off without me, Lina! You're all better off without me!"
...bolted.
As Gourry whirled and ran from the clearing, Zelgadis sighed, his hand dropping back to his side and slowly curling into a fist.