Amelia leaned hard against the strong pine door, clutching the front of her robe to her chest. She could hear Xelloss berating himself in the room beyond, smashing all sorts of objects against the walls in frustration and anger. He was cursing out practically everything in existence; himself, L-sama, Mazoku, Shabranigdo, even the furniture itself was subject to his wrath. This was better than his previous acts, however, when he'd been trying to punish himself through pain and was roaring because it really wasn't punishment.
The Mazoku's voice sounded hoarse as he swore, choked. Amelia winced at his violent proceedings, tears beginning to form at the corners of her eyes. She didn't understand any of this, nothing. Had he acted this way after that awful night? Had he not meant to injure her, to take her in such a horrible way? That couldn't be...it was his fault, yes, all his fault. He chose to do that to her...didn't he?
The room beyond the door was quiet now, silent except for the sound of desolate sobbing. Oh gods, he was crying! Amelia slid to the floor, feeling her own tears drip down her cheeks. The conflict raging through her heart was too much to bear. She wanted so badly to hate Xelloss, to hate him like she should. But there were so many other factors, so many things interfering with her emotions. Their daughter was one of the biggest. Their sex life another. And now this...that small spear embedded at the bottom of her heart was turning, the spear that she'd always ignored. It was a tiny spark of...of...what was it, exactly? She couldn't describe it, this thing that was nearly killing her. It was like a combination of compassion and pity and - dare she say it - love, all directed at that damn Mazoku. The spear was overwhelmingly sharp now; it hurt her to hear his sobs. It hurt and gods, she didn't know what to do.
Her tears were falling fast now, each drop seeming to stab knives into her. This couldn't go on forever. She couldn't let it go on. Amelia stood and turned the doorknob slowly, feeling a large lump in her throat.
The Mazoku's head snapped up as she walked timidly into the room; he'd been crying into his knees for quite some time. "Get out," he growled, ashamed of the tears that streaked his pale face, of the actions that caused him to weep. "Leave me alone."
Amelia took a step backwards, trying to resist the urge to turn tail and run. Instead, she strode forward, her own tears still running down her cheeks. "No," she whispered, kneeling on the floor and enfolding Xelloss in a tight embrace. She cradled his head against her shoulder, tears staining his dark-colored clothing. "Go ahead and cry. It's okay."
She could feel his body shaking against her, like a child in his mother's arms. "I'm sorry," he whispered, his voice full of shame. "I'm so - oh, L-sama, I almost...I almost..."
"Shh..." Amelia stroked his hair soothingly. Her voice was strained, she was crying harder. "It's all right."
"It's not. I don't want to, again...not wanna hurt..." He was mumbling incomprehensibly into her shoulder. "...no more..."
She squeezed her eyes shut. "I knnow."
They stayed there in silence for an untold amount of time, their sniffling the only sound. After a little while Xelloss pulled away, wiping his eyes embarrassedly with the back of his hand. "I'm supposed to be the mature one here," he joked lightly.
Amelia looked at him quietly, feeling a knot in her stomach. "Xelloss...we need to talk. I..." She hesitated, unsure of what to say. "I don't want to live like this anymore."
His eyes went to the floor. "You want to leave."
"I...don't know." She fiddled with the corner of her robe. "I just don't know. I can't leave Razilee, but I can't take her with me, either. And there's something...else...keeping me here." She shook her head, refusing to address that topic. "I just don't want to feel this way anymore. Hurt. You always hurt me."
"I never mean - "
Amelia interrupted him. "I'm not only talking about that. You hurt me here, too." She placed a hand over her heart. "Just things that are said, looks, even the things unsaid hurt me here. I know I hurt you, too. We just keep hurting and hurting each other..." She swallowed hard. "I don't understand why we have to go on like this. I don't even care why, actually. I just want it to stop."
Xelloss continued to stare at the floor, his bangs hiding his eyes. He, too, couldn't stand the pain their "relationship" brought. He didn't like to hurt her, but it just happened. She hurt him as well, in ways he didn't think were possible. It was all his fault, he knew, his Mazoku nature's fault, that things hadn't worked out from the beginning. That nothing had happened the way he'd wanted it to. The most pain was derived from the knowledge that she hated him. There was no love there. He could pretend she held some affection for him during their lovemaking, but he was tired of it. Their whole existence together was too painful. "I...want it to stop, too," he finally said, looking up at her.
"Daertal! Daer!!" Razilee cupped her hands around her mouth as she yelled, her voice echoing in the forest. "Daer!!" She stood outside of one of the castle's secret doors, one that she'd chanced upon just days ago. And, as naughty little children will do, she snuck out at the first chance she got.
Raz, pipe down. You're not keepin' out secret explorin' very secret.
The violet-haired child put her hands on her hips. "There you are!" She glared at the silver wolf pup. "It took you long 'nuff to get here."
I had to distract Mother. S'not very easy.
"I know what you mean..." Razilee wrinkled her nose. Her parents had been spending a ton of time with her lately, which was unlike them. Usually Mommy would spend a lot of time with her, but then she'd have a fight with Daddy and leave. Daddy was always away from home doing things for Juuou-sama, but when he was there he always brought her presents and a big smile. There was never a lack of parental love, but the two didn't seem to love each other. That was average for their family. But for some reason, they were acting different all of a sudden. Doing things together, like that picnic they'd had the day before. It was weird. "Daer, I think somethin's wrong with Mommy an' Daddy. They haven't had a fight for a while."
He raised an eyebrow at her. Isn't that a good thing?
Razilee paused. "Well, yeah, but s'not normal."
If I were you, I'd take the change. Better for 'em to get along.
"I know. But I don't understand why..."
Daertal shifted his weight. Maybe we should get goin'. Don't want them to find us out here. We'd be in a lot of trouble then.
"Yeah, no kiddin'. Juuou-sama said I can't leave the castle without a grown-up." She looked anxiously around to make sure no one was watching them. "Let's go!" The pair hurried off into the forest, set on exploring everything they could before being caught by the island's adults.
Amelia flipped through her book, an old anthology of lore, not really reading the pages in front of her. She glanced at the Trickster Priest, who was sitting on the edge of the bed and staring blankly into space, obviously deep in thought. It had been two weeks since they'd had their little discussion. Two weeks since the fighting had ended. Xelloss had immediately begun to try and change things, to try and erase some of the damage they'd done to each other. A lot more emphasis was put on spending family time with Razilee, since she was the only reason Amelia had gone to live with Xelloss in the first place. There was actual talk between the two...talk that didn't include hurtful words or intentions. This was perhaps the best thing that had come about in the whole two years she'd been with him. Amelia could actually speak to the Mazoku without fear of him being angry, or ignoring her...
Of course she was still timid around him. That would probably never change. But she could deal with that, just as long as their "relationship" didn't go back to the way it was before. Neither of them wanted that, and both were trying their darndest not to hurt each other.
Perhaps he was taking it a little far, though. In ceasing all harmful actions, their nighttime activities had also ceased. Amelia was embarrassed to admit it, but she was in withdrawal. Xelloss used to rarely go a day without initiating something, and here he was completely avoiding that type of situation. He hadn't even kissed her in two weeks. It was as if he thought he'd hurt her that way.
Amelia squirmed uncomfortably in her seat. She wanted a family. A real, honest-to-goodness family. She wanted little ones to cuddle and a caring lover. The latter was unattainable, of course. No matter how hard they tried, they would always have problems, she knew. Their union began as a forced one, so a dark shadow would always hang over them. But there were things that could make it better.
The former princess slid out of her chair and padded uncertainly across the room, untucking her shirt and pulling it over her head. Trying to suppress the deep blush that threatened to spread across her face, she climbed into the surprised Mazoku's lap and pressed her lips to his, pushing him down onto the bed with her. After a few moments, they came up for air, a confused look dominating Xelloss's features. "Ame-chan, what...?"
She flushed suddenly, not quite knowing how to put her thoughts into words. "I...I...I want..."
His expression became rather wicked and he favored her with a naughty grin. "Ah, I see." He rolled over so that he was on top and began undressing her with his able hands. "I didn't think you'd want to, after last time..."
Amelia sighed as his lips trailed down her neck. "I want another baby," she murmured, a strange sort of contentment forming in her chest.
She heard him chuckle softly. "That I can give you."
As usual, it was physically rewarding to have a partner with such inhuman stamina and such experience. But Amelia could feel that awful pain welling up in her heart again as they went at it. He kept searching her face, her eyes, for something. He always did that, but now even more so than ever before. Xelloss was looking for something he didn't see, and the disappointment was always obvious. Gods, he was starved for love. Searching intensely for one glimmer of affection. Amelia closed her eyes, feeling that spear digging into her heart again. They had agreed to stop hurting each other, hadn't they? Yet she was hurting them both by hiding that spear, the spark of almost-love she'd been ignoring for so long. It hurt to admit it was there, but it hurt worse to see Xelloss's starving eyes.
I can change this. Amelia wriggled beneath him, desperately trying to show him that spark she felt for him. Trying to give him that small bit of comfort. Something in the back of her mind informed her that giving practically guaranteed getting. If she gave him love, would he give it to her as well? The black-haired girl brought her hands up to frame his face, determined to find out.
Afterwards, the two lay curled up together in bed, basking in the warmth as they'd always done. Xelloss's smile was contented, his violet eyes watching her tired expression. Apparently he'd found a little of what he was looking for during their lovemaking, and was in a better mood than he'd been in for a long time.
Amelia tucked her head under his chin. She did feel better after that. The pain in her heart was no longer as profound, and that damn desire was quelled. For now. The only thing that bothered her was her old sense of justice, yelling at her for admitting she might have feelings for the same Mazoku that ruined her life. She ignored it. Both of them had made mistakes. Both of them had screwed up and made each other's lives a living nightmare. She was not going to let that continue. She was going to have all the things she wanted, no matter the obstacles she had to overcome. Little ones to cuddle. A caring lover. Family. Speaking of family... "Xelloss?"
"Mmm?"
She hesitated. "Xelloss, I think...I think I want to visit my father..."
Zelas Metallium broke the link between herself and her servant, a little disappointed with the weakness he'd shown. "You'd think someone his age could learn to deal with his emotions," she sighed to herself. These emotions were making him rather un-Mazoku-like in his dealings with the former princess.
But the way things were going would be beneficial to Razilee, she decided. The child would turn out better with parents that made an effort to get along. That was the important thing, Razilee. Besides, this new understanding between the couple might produce some equally powerful offspring.
And speaking of the little half-breed, where was she?