Dorothy, Noonza her pet fish, Gourry the Brainless Crow-Scaring-Guy, Zelgadis the Stone Woodsman and Amelia the Cowardly Justice Freak had at last arrived at the gates of the Amethyst City. They were all very happy about it as they believed their dreams were soon to come true. Dorothy walked up to the gate and she saw a sign reading "Bell out of Order. Drop your pants and knock ." [1]
"Very weird," she muttered, and knocked, without dropping her pants and after telling the Crow-Scaring-Guy to keep his on as well. A little window thing swung open and a man stuck his head out, almost losing his really dorky floppy hat as he did so.
"Go away!" he shouted. "I'm trying to take a nap in here!"
"Oh wait," Dorothy pleaded. "We need to see the Wizard!"
The gatekeeper twitched. "Nobody sees the Wizard, no-how!" he yelled and slammed the little trap-door shut.
Dorothy was very upset, as were all her companions. "I guess I'll never have a brain," sighed the Crow-Scaring-Guy sadly. "All I have is my great big phallic sword. Back to the cornfield with me, I guess."
Abruptly the window-thing swung open again and the gatekeeper stuck his head out again. "Did you say 'sword?" he asked.
"Well, actually, I said 'great big phallic sword', but..."
The gatekeeper disappeared again, and the little party heard the sound of chains rattling and locks unlocking. The gates swung open and out strode the gatekeeper, dressed in a purple uniform and holding a rather impressive phallic sword.
"That outfit looks really terrible," Dorothy commented.
The gatekeeper made a face. "The Wizard makes us wear them," he said.
"Why?"
"Because he's a fruitcake. Now, you with the sword! Fight me!"
Gourry the Brainless Crow-Scaring-Guy shrugged. "Will you let us in if I beat you?"
"Yes, but you're not gonna beat me!"
"Okay then."
The fight was (mercifully) [2] over in a few seconds and the gatekeeper grudgingly had to let Dorothy enter the city. They passed into a city where all the buildings were made out of glittering amethyst gems and all the citizens wore various tints and shades of purple.
"Fruity," muttered the Cowardly Justice Freak, and the Stone Woodsman nodded.
After much walking, the travelers finally reached the palace where the Wizard of Oz resided. They were led to a pair of huge doors and were told to enter. They did, huddling very close together as they advanced down the long hall towards the throne in the center of the room. Suddenly a loud voice boomed out from nowhere:
"I AM OZ! THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE!!! WHO ARE YOU?!!"
The Cowardly Justice Freak almost fainted, but Dorothy screwed up her courage and stepped forward. "Oh yeah, well I'm Dorothy, the meek and gentle."
"Your opinion," muttered the Stone Woodsman.
"Shut up!" yelled Dorothy as she whacked the Stone Woodsman over the head, thus proving his point. The great voice rang out again:
"WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?"
"I would like a brain," said the Brainless Crow-Scaring-Guy said, trying not to wet himself.
"And I want a cure," said the Stone Woodsman.
"I would, I w-w-would..." began the Cowardly Justice Freak.
"SPIT IT OUT!!"
"I want some courage!" she cried, then shrank back. "Please," she added in a small voice.
"And I want to be sent back home to Kansas!" Dorothy demanded. "So will you help us or not?"
The voice was silent for a while, then it spoke again. "VERY WELL. I WILL GRANT YOUR REQUESTS." The little group smiled and hugged each other, laughing a little. "BUT," continued the Wizard, and they froze. "YOU MUST DO A FAVOR FOR ME."
"What?" Dorothy shrieked. "Why?"
"YARE, YARE," the Wizard replied. "YOU CAN'T GET SOMETHING FOR NOTHING, YOU KNOW. AND IT SHOULD BE A VERY SIMPLE TASK FOR ONE WHO HAS KILLED THE WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST."
"How did you know?" Dorothy asked.
"I AM OZ!!!" thundered the voice. "I KNOW ALL! BESIDES, YOU'RE WEARING HER SHOES."
"Oh yeah."
"ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU KILL THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST. A SIMPLE TASK."
"Then why don't you do it?" asked the Stone Woodsman bitterly.
"....... I'M BUSY."
"Sure," muttered the Stone Woodsman, and Dorothy spoke up.
"Okay fine! We'll kill your stupid witch."
With that, she stormed out of the throne room and her companions followed. They decided that the Wicked Witch of the West probably lived in the West and so set off in that direction.
Now, the Wicked Witch of the West lived in an ugly tower, and he had great magical powers. He was also quite insane. He was blind and had as his henchman a flying monkey (which just proves how nuts he was). This monkey was rather strange, with a horn sticking out of his forehead and a very short temper and nasty language problem.
The Wicked Witch sensed that there were intruders in his land, and he magically knew that one of them had killed the Wicked Witch of the East. This pissed him off since the East Witch had owed him money. He also knew that this girl had the ruby slippers. Now, the Wicked Witch of the West wanted the slippers so he could fix his eyes by resurrecting this nasty demon lord, so he sent his flying monkey out to kidnap the girl.
Dorothy and her friends were walking along when this monkey swooped out of the air and grabbed her. She struggled, and Noonza grabbed onto one of her legs, but to no avail. Both the girl and the fish were borne off by the cursing monkey.
"Oh shit," muttered the Stone Woodsman.
Dorothy was dropped unceremoniously on her ass before the dreaded Wicked Witch of the West.
"What happened to your hair?" she asked.
"Shut up about the hair!" Now, the Wicked Witch was a nutbag, but he wasn't stupid. He realized that if this broad had killed the OTHER Wicked Witch, she could maybe kill him too. So, he would have to be subtle...
"Gimme those shoes!" The Wicked Witch lunged at the shoes, and Dorothy kicked him in the head.
Meanwhile, Noonza somehow managed to get away and was running back to Dorothy's friends. They mananged to discern from Noonza's burblings where Dorothy was, and so set off that way. They arrived at the tower and stole the clothes of some cards who could only sing one song [3] and entered the place. They ran up lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of stairs, bursting into the room where Dorothy and the Witch were.
The Stone Woodsman saw the Wicked Witch and realized that it was the same who had turned him into a freak. He rushed at the Witch, meaning to kill the nutty bastard, but the Witch set the Woodsman's head on fire. In desperation, Dorothy grabbed a bucket of water and threw it. Her aim was really terrible, however, and so she splashed the Witch instead.
"NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!" cried the Wicked Witch of the West. "I'm melting! I'm melting! Oh what a world!"
The Wicked Witch melted into an icky red puddle of goo, and the flying monkey cheered. "Yay! The fucker's dead!"
Dorothy was much congratulated, and so she and her friends headed back to the Amethyst City.