This short fanfic, an account of Lina's wake as seen through various eyes, is intended as a semi-prequel to my longer piece "The Autumn". It was written to clear up a few points about the background of "The Autumn", which begins seventeen years after the last series. If you are ever planning to read "Autumn" I suggest that you read it first. This can be read as an independent story, but consider yourself warned that it does give away a major plot point of "Autumn". For those of you who don't care or aren't planning to read "Autumn" or are simply eager to get on to the story, the things you should know before reading this are below.
"Losing Control" takes place about four years after Slayers TRY. The cast is under the impression that Lina has been killed by Xelloss the day of Ameria's crowning as queen of Saillune, while in fact he has only converted her to a Mazoku under orders from Xelas-Metallium. That is all.
Lina struggled with the bonds - not physical restraints, but rather the fear and despair that held her in place.
"Zelia, you aren't responding well." The torturer voiced his opinion as coldly and clinically as a doctor explaining some problem with a drug prescription.
"Stop calling me that. Leave me alone. Dammit, just leave me be! I never asked for this."
"Oh, but others did. Others more powerful than you, Zelia. You're powerless. Alone. Abandoned."
"Give me my name back!"
"I'm afraid I'm not allowed to do that. I was given a job to do and I'm going to see it through now. A different tactic may be in order."
"I don't care what 'tactics' you use. I'm not going to give in. Never go along with you. You say that I'm powerless, but I have strength to overcome whatever you do to me. I'm Lina Inverse."
"Strength. We all thought that once. Let's show you just how little strength you have."
The chapel had, only yesterday, been a place of great joy. A queen had been crowned; the eventual birth of a royal heir announced. Today, although the faces of those attending had not changed, gloom permeated every part of the room. Black had displaced white and where there had been expressions of happiness, the same faces were sorrowful and grim.
The small group sat in silence in the first few rows. At last, someone was brave enough to say, "Someone ought to go first."
"Someone should," agreed another voice.
Nobody showed any signs of going first.
Filia looked around. Someone has to do it. And this is important, and maybe I won't be brave enough to do this second...
She silently let go of Val's hand and forced herself to go to the dais.
"Well. Um.
I didn't exactly know what I'd say. I mean, I hadn't planned to be speaking at Lina's wake anytime soon. So, instead, I was planning to. Sing this song I know. I hope you don't mind." Nobody laughed. Filia took a breath; that had been the hard part.
"Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me...
I once was lost, but now am found...
Was blind, but now I see.
Filia's voice cracked a little as she sang the words.
Through many dangers, toils and snares
We have already found
'Twas grace that brought us safe thus far
And grace will lead us home.
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me...
I once was lost, but now am found...
Was blind, but now I see.
That's it. Anyway, I just wanted to say that that song has always reminded me of Lina. Whatever she might have acted like, she had amazing grace. Do you know what I mean? That's all I have to say."
"Thank you, Filia" Lina was emboldened enough to glance triumphantly at him. "What was that supposed to do to me?"
The torturer was an expert at his craft, and was not worried. "You'll see. Oh, look."
If...
If...
If I don't go now, I never will. The thought finally made its way to the front of his mind. Grief made everything slow.
Go. Damn you, go and tell them!
"Ever since he killed her I've kept thinking of things to say to her. I'll tell myself, 'Zelgadiss, you should tell Lina sometime how important she is to you." And then I'll remember."
Zelgadiss couldn't look without losing control. He closed his eyes and folded his arms even more tightly.
"She really was. Important, I mean. I always wanted to say that, but I could never find what words to use. It's kind of more than just the words..."
Losing it.
"What I always wanted to tell Lina was that she was my best friend, and that she was one of the only people who really understood, and that she was like my big sister, or my little sister sometimes, or, or, I don't know. It doesn't matter now, I, I can't tell her. None of us can ever - she - I'm - "
No!
"Oh God, I can't go on with this."
He covered his face and ran. It didn't matter. They could still see his tears.
"Zelu!" Despite herself, Lina cried out. She whirled to face the torturer. "Damn you!"
"I was damned a long time ago," he replied calmly. She was responding exactly as planned. "I didn't hurt him. It was you. Your fault. And you can't change a thing."
"No...no." Lina's voice wavered. He could not be right...
"Zelgadiss!" Ameria unwittingly echoed Lina's words as she jumped from her seat. But Filia tugged at her arm. "Knowing him, following would make the situation worse."
"I suppose," replied Ameria doubtfully.
"You're up already, Ameria, why don't you speak?" Martina seemed deliberately to be pushing her. It was a challenge. She didn't really feel like pouring out her heart to this crowd - but she had to tell someone.
"I've felt kind of strange all through this. Sort of a detachment. It's happening to someone else.
I try to explain to myself. I sit down and say 'Ameria. Listen to me carefully. Lina is dead. Xelloss killed her. You'll never hear her voice or see her face again.' But it just doesn't take.
But as much as I can believe it, I wanted to say how I plan to remember - how I remember her. She was the leader. We would fight every once in awhile, petty arguments over whatever it was about each other that got to us. But it didn't mean anything. She was in charge. There was no doubt about it.
Lina controlled everything about her own life. It was something I always admired about her. She decided where to go, who to travel with, who to fight and who to love. I never had that control.
And now...maybe that's why I can't believe it. That Lina would allow herself to be killed...I just can't understand."
"She's right, you know. If you had moved more quickly, if you had managed to figure out what I was going to do - all this would have been very different. But instead, you allowed it to happen.
You lost control, Zelia. Right there. And you'll never regain it again."
"Gourry."
Gourry made no response.
"Gourry, you're the last member of your old group who hasn't said anything. I think that if you're going to speak, you should now."
He didn't pay attention to whoever it was as he rose and, more out of instinct than anything else, made his way forward. Once he reached the dais, he didn't stand - just groped his way to the edge and sat down. He stayed there, head down, for a moment, and then he spoke.
"I could kill him." Gourry suddenly slammed his fist down. "He took Lina away from us. Why did he do that? Can anybody here tell me why?"
"My God." Ameria had never seen Gourry truly angry before, she suddenly realized, and it frightened her more than even Zelgadiss' weeping had.
"No, of course not. He didn't care about her. He just killed her. He was just doing his...his job. You know, I used to have a sword that could destroy a Mazoku with one stroke? It's done it before. But now I don't have it - we had to give it away, somewhere along the line - and I don't have anything magical at all now. But it doesn't matter. If I ever see him again, I'll destroy him with just my hands. It's the least I can do. He took Lina away..." he repeated.
"Gourry-sama, please calm down..."
"I'm not mad anymore, Sylphiel. Just...that I can't change this. She's gone. Forever and ever..."
She cried. Powerless to help them, powerless to help herself, she could not but obey what her master told her. There was no way to change it. She was nothing.
She was dead.
Lina Inverse was dead.
And, losing control, Zelia cried.