[opening credits/theme: short version of "Memphis Exorcism" (Squirrel Nut Zippers)]
[applause is polite but scattered, since the audience is mostly disoriented lurkers. Amelia, Zel, Lina & Gourry are already seated onstage; Amelia applauds hesitantly, everyone else looks confused.] onstage set: typical daytime talk-show layout - Xellos Show logo on the back wall - all in warm grays with red & gold accents
Xellos: [teleports in, front and center, with microphone. It's impossible to tell whether his suit is very black or dark purple] Hello, everyone! - and welcome to this marvellous pilot episode of the Xellos Show! And since it's the very first episode, and we don't have any regular sponsors yet, for today's show we'll just be introducing the core cast of the Slayers TV series ... why don't we start with Gourry? [circles stage nimbly to stand behind Gourry. All four guests are wearing radio mikes]
Audience: [cheers & whistles from Gourry fans]
Xellos: Your name's Gourry Gabriev, right?
Gourry: Yes -
X: And you play the stereotypical buff, blond, swordslinging hero, right?
Gourry: I guess....
X: So why do you run around with Lina? How did you meet?
G: I'm her guardian - I saved her from a gang of bandits.
Lina: [rolls eyes]
X: What did you do before you met Lina?
G: [baffled] Gee .. hahaha - I don't remember, really; I was looking for work as a mercenary....
X: Gourry, a lot of people have the impression that you're a bit dim. Aren't you inclined to disagree with that assessment?
G: Hahaha - well, Lina does have to explain a lot of stuff to me sometimes, but usually I know what's going on. Unless the plot gets really complicated....
X: I see. Is this sort of cluelessness something you're born with, or does it take years of diligent training?
G: [baffled again] I don't know what you're talking about.
X: [grins, pats Gourry] Excellent! That's just fine, because now I must introduce our next guest, her Royal Highness -
Lina: - Hey, shouldn't I be next?
X: Shh! I'm saving the best for last!
L: [flattered] Well, then!
X: [standing at far left end of the row] Her Royal Highness, Princess Amelia Wil Tesla Sailloon -
Amelia: Hiyee! [waves at her squealing fan club in audience]
X: Miss Amelia, your family is the royal house of Sailloon, yes?
Amelia: That's right.
X: And you first met the others while searching for your father, Prince Philionel, am I correct?
A: [nods] Yes -
X: Didn't it ever occur to you ... to look for your sister?
G, L & Zel: [Laser Glare 'o' Death]
A: [tearful] Mr. Xellos, that's a cheap shot! [wrings hands] Everyone looked for my sister....
Audience: [hostile vibes at Xellos]
X: [pats Amelia] That's all right, I'm sure she'll be found pretty soon now. Unless she's dead or something. - Now, I have a very different question for you; it's much less personal, but still important that you answer truthfully -
A: [snifl] Yes?
X: Did you sleep under a hedge last night?
A: Whaaat?? - Of course not!
X: Then what makes your hair do that?
A: [grabs her hair] Do what? What's it doing?
X: I suppose you get it from your father's side?
A: There's nothing wrong with my hair!
X: [grins] Nevermind! I'm sure you'll feel differently after a nice makeover! [cues wardrobe goons]
A: A what? A makeover?
X: Yes! We'll give you a whole new princessy look you can show off at the end of the program. [plucks off her radio mike and pockets it]
A: [faintly] But I don't want a new look! [dragged off by wardrobe goons] Let go of me! There's nothing wrong with my hair! Hellllp! [exit stage right, kicking and screaming]
X: ... And sitting next to Amelia is her boyfriend, Zelgadis Greywords - right?
Audience: [cheers and swooning from the Zel fans]
Zel: [trying to hide in his chair] I'm not her boyfriend!
X: You aren't? Don't you like Amelia?
Zel: I like her! But it's not like we're dating -
X: Mr. Greywords, can you tell us what's behind your reputation as a depressing introvert? Is it really all about your looks?
Z: [a bit ticked] It's none of your business!
X: Now, now - I wouldn't ask if people didn't want to know. [gestures toward fans] What is it that bothers you most about your complexion, the color or the harsh stony texture?
Z: [stubborn sulk] I refuse to discuss this.
X: That's all right, Zelgadis; perhaps you'll be more talkative after we've built up your self esteem with [grin] a nice makeover! [cues wardrobe goons]
Z: [horrified] Oh, no....
X: [nabs Zel's radio mike] Heavy on the facial! There's plenty of room for improvement.
Z: [clamps tight to his chair. The wardrobe goons can't pry him off, and carry the whole chair backstage instead] [faintly] You'll pay for this, Xellos!
X: [laughs & waves] Don't thank me yet!
G: [has fallen asleep]
X: [pulls up a chair next to Lina] And finally, our star guest - [sits] Miss Lina Inverse.
Audience: [thunderous applause]
L: [frowns] You're not going to give me a makeover, are you?
X: No, Miss Lina; a mere makeover could not begin to do you justice.
L: [baffled] Oh, thanks. - I think.
X: Now, Lina, you're a very famous sorceress, aren't you?
L: [preens] I suppose I'm a bit renowned.
X: You're even known as the "Dragon-Spooker" in some regions, isn't that right?
L: [suspicious] A few areas, I guess -
X: Isn't there a little rhyme that goes along with that title? Could you recite it for our audience?
L: [Death Glower] No.
X: [rifling through pockets] Then it's a good thing I wrote it down before the show! [stands up, fishes out a scrap of paper] It's a bit brief, but a fairly accurate depiction, I think: [reads from paper] "Little girl, little breasts / scares the dragon from it's nest - " [paper is incinerated by a barely-dodged flare-arrow]
L: [powers up] Stand still for a minute, Xellos - [stands up]
X: [backing up a bit] I'd love to, Lina, but we're almost out of time - [a few explosions backstage, and Zel (in an avocado facepack) and Amelia (in curlers and bad foundation) sprint across the set, pursued by a few wardrobe goons]
Z: [faintly] There he is!
A: Flare lance!
L: Fireball! [sets off a few sprinklers, but not all]
X: [runs into audience] Hey now, you don't want to torch your own fans! [continues running]
L: [literally in hot pursuit] Come back here, you coward!
A: [yells something we can't hear because she has no mike]
Z: Astral vine!
L, Z & A: [chase Xellos out of camera range]
[closing credits/theme: instrumental version of "Bad Businessman" (SNZ)]
G: [snoring gently]
X: [materializes right up close to the camera] Well, that's it for today, folks! If you have any comments, questions, or would like to see the Xellos Show with a topic and sponsor, email us c/o Executive Producer Renfield - [looks around quickly]
Audience: There he is! He's up there!
A: [off-camera] Elmekia lance!
X: Aagh! [ducks, grabs camera again] Tickets for good seats are still available for the next show - if there is one -
L: FIREBALL!
[static; test pattern]