[opening credits/theme]
[applause; audience is mixed: lurkers, Slayworld residents, and Ricki Lake refugees. Rabidcow is in the Betareader's throne, doing his gloomy-Zel impression, & Fibrizo the listian is next to him, looking a little creeped-out]
[Rabidcow waves to camera verrrry slowwly]
[Lina, Hallas, Rezo, Eris, Gourry and Sylphiel are already seated onstage, in that order, with radio mikes]
Xellos: [teleports in, front and center, with microphone and black/purple - or purple/black - suit] Hello, everyone, and welcome back to the Xellos Show! But before we start, management would like me to point out that, due to last week's - umm, incident - our insurers have demanded that the first four rows of the audience be protected with plastic sheeting, riot shields and asbestos insulation. Are you people comfy?
Audience: [cheers] yeees
X: Wonderful! Our topic for today's show [grin] is "Tragedies of Unrequited Love!" And I'm pleased to announce that it's being brought to us by Hellmaster Phibrizzo -
Audience: [cheers & whistles from Fibrizo, & no one else]
X: [grins; whips out index card & reads from it] "Remember, there may be nine hells, but there's only one Hellmaster!" [flings card over his shoulder] And with that out of the way, our first tragedy of unrequited love concerns this young man here on the left - [goes to stand behind Lina & Hallas] What's your name?
Hallas: Hallas Rizu -
X: Can you tell us a little about your doomed and soul-searing romance?
H: [blink] Well, I fell in love with Lina Inverse -
X: [very wry look at camera] Well, that pretty much says it all ... [back to Hallas] but do go on....
Lina: [slighly miffed]
H: - And I asked her to marry me, so I could get out of my engagement to Paula -
X: Can you explain this situation, please?
H: [sigh] She was part of a scheme to get my family's fortune. Unless I could find someone else to marry first....
X: I see - so what was it you saw in Lina?
L: [scowl]
H: Oh, there was a curse on me to repel girls. [gooey eyes] But Miss Lina saw right through it!
X: So, how did you know she was a girl? [is struck by Lina's chair] oooh ... I mean, why aren't you married now?
L: [seats self with reclaimed dignity] It's just too early for a sweet young thing like me [bats eyelashes] to get hitched.
H: She wouldn't kiss me at the wedding ceremony, and Paula's mother gave us away -
L: I lost five thousand gold pieces on that bluff! Five thousand!!
H: Then the bounty hunters attacked, and scared off the wedding guests -
X: [giggle] That is a tragedy!
H: Then Lina blew up my house.
L: [grin; vee sign at audience]
Audience: [wild cheers from Linafans, esp. an apparently over-caffeinated Libby-chan]
X: [grin] And what would you like to tell her today?
H: [with gooey chivalry] Miss Lina, I'll still give you five thousand gold pieces for a kiss!
L: [BLUSH] [hesitates] N - no way! What kind of girl d'you think I am??
H: [very romantic mood] I just love incorruptible girls!
L: [nervous] Fine! Go talk to Amelia!
X: Hahahaha.... Our next couple is deceased, which just makes their relationship all the more tragic: Rezo, the renowned Red Priest, and his lovely assistant Eris!
Audience: [wild cheers from all but disoriented Ricki Lake refugees]
Rezo: [waves tentatively; as generally assumed, he can see just fine, now that he's dead]
X: Now, Miss Eris, you were a shrine maiden when you met the Red Priest, is that right?
Eris: Oh, yes; he taught me a great deal of white magic, and I assisted in a number of his healing miracles - [momentary bawling] Ohh, I wish I could have healed him!
X: But that all changed, didn't it? You parted ways....
E: [snifl] He thought the Philosopher's Stone would help his cure somehow - so he went to look for it - and he a-abandoned me... [dissolves in tears & hanky-wringing]
R: [pats Eris]
X: Well, why would he do that?
R: One tends to grow selfish when harboring a dark lord.
X: Ohh, I thought maybe you just didn't see her. [is swiftly whacked with Rezo's staff] oww ... I mean, would you mind telling us how you died, Miss Eris?
E: [snifl] Well .. when I heard he'd been killed - [glares at Lina]
L: [rolls eyes]
E: - I made a copy of him -
R: [looks shocked] You did what?
E: - And the copy killed me before I could avenge Rezo.
R: Oh ... I'm terribly sorry about that....
E: [snifl] I-it's okay... [glomps Rezo's arm tightly] I'm still so in love with you!
R: [looks very uncomfy]
X: Well, Rezo? Can you tell us what you're feeling right now?
R: ....Yes, Xellos - [looks extremely uncomfy] There's something I'm feeling very keenly right now -
X: What's that?
R: I'm feeling - I'm feeling the huge spikes on Eris' shoulder guards. They're gouging pretty far into my ribs.
E: Oops! Sorry about that. [unglomps, adjusts epaulettes]
X: Heehee ... Our final tale of unrequited love comes from the other shrine maiden on the set today [progresses to far right end of the row], Miss Sylphiel Nels Rada - I understand you knew Gourry before he met Lina?
Sylphiel: That's right - he was injured in a battle with a terrible monster, and Father invited him to stay with us for a while ... [giggle] He just loves my cooking!
L: [jealous sulk] [grumble]
X: Oh, I see .. [glances at camera] And you're here today to let him know how you feel, is that it?
S: [blush] [bashful fidgetting] Well, um ... yes, I suppose....
L: [glower]
X: Hadn't you better wake him up, first?
S: Oh, yes, of course - [glomps Gourry's arm] Gourry-sama .. wake up, Gourry-sama, please?
Gourry: Zzwhuh? [blinkblink] Huh? Oh, hi, Sylphiel.
S: Gourry-sama ... I love you!
Audience: awww....
L: [makes a face]
G: Oh ... [blink] Well, I love you, too, Sylphiel.
L: [CHOKE]
S: [huge eyes; tiny pink hearts] *Really??* You do?
X: [looks slightly ill]
G: [pats Sylphiel] Of course I love you! You're just like a little sister!
L: [eyes bug out] [stifles laughter] Smkpt!! Gmptff! Heehee....
S: [blinkblink] [snifl] [sob] WAAAAAAAAAAHH! [hydraulic tears]
X: [grin]
G: Oh, no.... What did I do now?
S: [fountaining] OHHH BOOHOOHOO....
X: It's all right, Gourry, you didn't do anything. You just seem to have throngs of admirers -
Audience: [cheers & whistles from Gourry groupies]
X: Including today's Surprise Mystery Guest! [cues offstage left] [Mystery Guest is shoved onstage, looking quite disoriented]
Volun: Miss Laalaa?
G: AAIGH!! [scramble; hides behind chair]
V: There you are! They said you'd be here, Miss Laalaa! [advances on Gourry]
G: Get back! I told you, I'm not a woman! [wards off Volun with his chair, lion-tamer-style]
V: It doesn't matter, Laalaa-kun! You're still the light of my life! [continues advancing]
G: [flees along row of guests] Lina, help!!
Audience: [Gourry groupies] Down here, Gourry! We'll save you!
[Volun is now chasing Gourry around the other guests]
G: [grabs Rezo's shoulders] What about this guy? He's wearing a dress -
R: [miffed] It's not a dress!
V: Oh, I only have eyes for you, Laalaa-kun! [vaults over Hallas and tackles Gourry]
G: AAAGH!! Lina, do something!
L: Eris, stab him with your shoulder guards.
E: [catty glare]
[end credits/theme]
X: Hahahaha.... Well, I'm afraid our time is up for today, but if you've got questions, comments, or a burning need to join our brave audience next week, you can contact the Xellos Show c/o Executive Producer Renfield, who has no social life to speak of -
Renfield: [off-camera] Hey.
X: Be sure to catch our next show, "Killed by Kin!" Ohh! [momentary melodrama] See you then! [grin/wave] [addresses offscreen] Can we get a bucket of ice for Mr. Volun, please?