[opening credits/theme: "Love Island" (Fatboy Slim)]
[enthusiastic applause; audience is mixed: lurkers, Slayworld residents, & quite a few sex demons. Both People for the Ethical Treatment of Fridges (IDC & Shi) are out in force. Rabidcow is in the Betareader's throne, looking very relieved to be the only audience member not in drag]
[Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis & Miwan are already seated onstage, w/radio mikes. Only Lina looks really comfy]
Audience: [party atmosphere; much glitter & feathers]
[looong pause]
Audience: [restless] ... where's Xellos? ...
Xellos: [enters stage right, at a stroll, in slinky red dress] [waves at audience; whips out fluffy red fan] Hi, there!
Audience: [goes nuts]
X: [vogues a bit/much flirting]
Audience: [goes nuts]
X: Haha ... welcome to the Drag Day Special! Where, for the first time since this show was sponsored, all our guests are alive! [cheers from audience] Yes! And because they're all alive, this week's Xellos Show is sponsored by Deep-Sea Dolphin, who says [whips index card out of bust & reads] "Get them off me, get them off me, get them off me." [blink/flings card over shoulder] But before we can really get down to business, we must take a brief pause to thank Bevin the listian, for providing the title for today's show. Say hi, Bevin!
Bevin: [stands up, waay far down in front] [grin/waves to audience; she's wearing Xellos' purple-black suit] [sits again very quickly]
Audience: [squeals & applause]
X: [grin] Now, our first guest on today's show is the one with the most experience at cross-dressing; please welcome Prince Miwan of Femille!
Audience: [cheers]
X: [standing beside Miwan] Now, Prince Miwan, you despised being raised as a girl, right? Why doesn't it bother you to dress like a girl every day?
Miwan: [crosses legs] Well, it's what I'm used to, you know. I'm a little more comfortable with it, as long as everyone knows I'm a guy....
Gourry: [nods vigorously]
X: Isn't it a capital crime for a man to enter Femille?
M: Well, not any more; not since I came out of the closet. They've changed the laws a bit to let men in under certain conditions -
X: What conditions?
M: Oh - I'm not sure, exactly; they have to sign a lot of papers and submit to a chaperone and curfew. - And they have to dress like women. [sigh] You'd be amazed at the kind of perverts who apply for admission. ...
X: [grin] No, I wouldn't. [fans self] So, now that you're known to be a boy, how are your prospects coming along, Prince Miwan? Have you got yourself a girlfriend yet?
M: Oh, don't even ask; there's no one around but shrine maidens! I've been set up with a few princesses, but the ones that don't go straight into hysterical fits just regard me as a sister! [sigh] I'm thinking of leaving Femille to become a priest.
X: Ah - you haven't had a date outside Femille?
M: [blink] Um, no ... is that an issue?
Zelgadis: [sudden headache]
X: [pats Miwan] Not really, but maybe you should talk with the queen about studying abroad... Is that lipstick you're wearing?
M: Yes, mother said I was old enough.
X: She must be so proud. [goes around/behind Zelgadis] Our next guest once claimed he'd rather die than be seen in drag! [grin] So what brings you on the show today, Mr. Zelgadis?
Zelgadis: [head in hand] Your Executive Producer is blackmailing me.
X: [grin] So there's something worse than wearing women's clothes?
Z: Ohhh much worse.
X: [grin] Is it ... a bunny suit?
Z: No, worse than that.
Renfield: [offscreen] Give it up, Xellos; you'll never find out.
X: [pout] [fans self] Oh, very well. [still to Renfield] But I must say, those pinstripes are really you -
R: [offscreen] Thank you, but flattery won't work - back to the show!
X: [sigh/back to Zel] So, Mr. Zelgadis, are you still sweet on Miwan?
Z: [BLUSH] Whaat?
M: Excuse me?
X: [smirk; gestures w/fan] I mean, do you prefer him as a girl, or a boy?
Z: [BLUSH] I don't prefer him!
X: [pout] How sad. And just when he's got permission to wear makeup, too. [to Miwan] He hasn't hurt your feelings, has he?
M: [baffled] I don't know what either of you are talking about, and I don't want to know.
X: [pats Miwan] Don't worry; you'll find out when you're old enough. [grin] [to Zel] You still wear those little black panties, don't you?
Z: [blush] [glare] They're part of this costume!
X: [grin/fans self] Yes, but how would you explain wearing them with your regular outfit?
Z: [rage] That doesn't happen!
X: [grin] [behind fan] Yes, I know; it's so much comfier without underwear sometimes, isn't it?
Z: [head in hand] [grooan] What did I do to deserve this?
X: [giggles] Our next guest made quite a splash at his transvestite debut in the port town of -
G: Waitaminit. You don't have Volun anywhere in the studio today, do you?
X: No, Gourry; we've actually effected a restraining order on him since he was on the show last -
G: [huge sigh] Thank goodness!
X: [gestures w/fan] - Although he does have a PO box address to send the love letters to.
G: [grooan]
X: Mr. Gourry, was Mr. Volun the only reason for your discomfort in drag?
G: Of course not! I hate wearing girl's stuff - it's already uncomfortable!
X: [grin] Does that mean you've got a Zel-plushy in your bra again?
Z: [BLUSH] A WHAT??
G: [blush] No!
Z: [BLUSH] What were you doing with a - [pause] No, I'm just not going to ask. [head in hands] This is not happening.
X: [giggles] So, Mr. Gourry, what made you decide to wear your Laalaa costume, rather than your Femille ensemble?
G: Lina. [tugs on ponytails] These things are driving me nuts! I hate having my hair up!
X: So, what was so uncomfortable about your Femille costume? It looked a bit more wearable.
G: [glare] I just don't like dressing as a girl, okay? It's weird and disturbing!
X: [smirk/fans self] Oh, you're just afraid you might like it.
G: No, I'm not!!
X: [goes to stand beside Lina] And finally we have the renowned and infamous Lina Inverse.
Audience: [goes nuts] [cheers from Archess Shi]
Lina: [waves; she's wearing Xellos' costume]
X: Now, Miss Lina, after having walked a mile in my shoes, do you have any new insights for us?
L: [grin/dangles legs] Yes; I now believe it's true what they say about the size of a man's feet.
Audience: [goes nuts] [cheers from Libby-chan]
X: Really? Well now, how can you tell?
L: Because I've walked a mile in your pants, as well. And after your interview with Zelgadis, I'm certainly glad I wore underwear!
Audience: [goes nuts/laughter]
L: [grin] Although, let's face it - from the way these things are tailored, I don't think you could scare a pickle!
Audience: [goes nuts]
X: [twitch] Well, after all, Miss Lina, you made a more convincing man than I did ...
L: [glare] What's that supposed to mean?
X: [smirk] Is that all you've found?
L: [index finger] No. I've also found out why you wear a cape all the time.
X: Well, don't keep us all in suspense.
L: [smirk] These pants were specifically made to show off a tight, round little butt! [grin]
X: But if that's the case, why would I want to hide such a well-developed ... feature?
L: [grin] Xellos, these are nothing more than harem pants for a guy! I mean, look at this - [stands up, facing backwards] [grabs hips] That's the only place they get tight! My butt's as cute as yours, Xellos!
Audience: [minor chaos]
X: [fanning self rapidly] Er - thank you Miss Lina, but I have some other questions, if you'd care to sit down, please -
L: [sits] Okay, go on.
X: How do you think the boys look in drag? Was it worth all the blood, sweat and tears of getting them in costume?
G & Z: [Death Glower at Lina]
L: [grin] Ohh, I think they look adorable! I just don't understand Zel's aversion to dressing up; no one's made a pass at him in drag, and he actually seems to draw less attention as a woman...
X: Probably he just saw it as one more grotesque disfiguration; I mean, on top of the way he looks already -
Z: [eyeglint] [growls] That's it! I'm not taking any more from you - [stands/flips up his skirt]
Audience: ooooh [Danie-chan, Esis & Libby-chan] more!
Z: [whips out huge honkin' mace] It's time to suffer for your art, Xellos! [advances]
G: Hey! Isn't that -
L: - Filia's mace?
X: [hiding behind Lina] But, they don't allow weapons on the set! How did you get it onstage?
G: [smirk] Your security guards just aren't brave enough to look under a man's skirt.
M: Oh, please, let's not get violent!
X: [still behind Lina] Your boyfriend's got a point, Zelgadis.
Z: [red-eyed] Grrrrr - [shoves Lina aside & takes a swing at Xellos]
X: Yeep! [runs] Oooh, I wish I'd worn flats -
Z: Just hold still and you'll be flat! [swings again]
[end credits/theme: "Can't Get Enough of You Baby" (Smashmouth)]
M: [distressed] Mr. Zelgadis, please don't!
X: [still running] Listen to him!
Z: Come back here! You're just making it worse -
X: Ooooh - [teleports to other end of set]
Z: [crashes mace through floorboards] Damn! [starts tugging]
X: [hands index card to Lina] Quickly, Lina - close the show!
L: Ducking out so soon?
X: Of course! This is a borrowed dress! [sneaks offstage right]
Z: [wrenches mace out of floor] [looks around] Which way did he go?
G: [points]
Z: Thank you! [pursues offstage] Take it like a man, Xellos! If that's possible...
X: [offscreen] [yells something unintelligible]
L: [stands up/reads card] Well, it says: "If you have questions, comments, ticket requests, or want - " [squints] I can't read that bit; his handwriting's awful - "you can ... conact? the Xellos Show c/o Exec - ... Executive Producer Refiled!" [grins]
R: [offscreen] Renfield.
L: Sorry; Renfield.
R: [offscreen] Now read the back of the card.
L: [turns card over] Oh - next week's show will be about "Violence!" [grin] [reads again] - And I get to be a guest again - so you better show up! [grin] Bye!