[opening credits/theme: short version of "Memphis Exorcism" (SNZ)]
[applause; audience is mixed: lurkers, assorted minor mazoku, and leftover moshers from yesterday's Rancid concert. Rabidcow is in the Betareader's throne, trying to remain inconspicuous]
[Lina, Amelia, Zelgadis, Copy Rezo and Gaav are already seated onstage, in that order, w/radio mikes]
Xellos: [teleports in, front & center, w/microphone & purple-black suit] [grin] Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Xellos Show! Today we're going to be talking about violence, so our sponsor once again is Hellmaster Phibrizzo [whips out index card & reads] "Say something funny. ..." [blink] [laugh] I'm sorry about that, folks; he writes these himself - [flings card over shoulder] In any case, our first guest today is feared throughout the known world on account of an oustandingly violent reputation -
Gaav: [looks smug]
X: - Please welcome Miss Lina Inverse!
Audience: [thunderous applause] [loud cheers from Archess Shi]
G: [CHOKE]
X: [goes to stand behind Lina]
Lina: [frown] "Outstandingly violent?"
X: Of course, Miss Lina - aren't you known as the Bandit-Killer?
L: Well, yeah, but those are bad guys, I mean - I only use violence in self-defense, mostly...
X: - Or when you're hungry, or mad at someone, or just plain bored -
L: Hey! I'm not like that -
Zelgadis: [sideways glance] Aren't you?
Amelia: Yeah, what about all those times you hit Mr. Gourry?
L: What? When?
Z: Do you want the list?
L: I only hit Gourry because there's no other way to get through his thick skull, that's all.
X: Why would you hit Amelia, then? What about the time you beat her up?
L: She started that one by jumping on me!
A: [blush] Well, I didn't know what was going on!
X: And let's not forget all the times you vent your aggression on me. ...
Z: Well, one can hardly blame her for that.
X: [to Zel] Do you mind? It's not your turn yet! [to Lina] So, Miss Lina, would you mind telling us why you're always hitting people? Does it make you feel better somehow?
L: Well, not that time I hit Zel...
X: Is it something you picked up from your sister, perhaps?
L: [rubs neck] Um, well ... can we not talk about her?
X: [smirk] Are you afraid she's going to get violent on you?
L: [frown] Maybe it's you who should be afraid of me.
X: [grin] Does this mean we're going to get a demonstration?
L: [sniff] I wouldn't give you the satisfaction - !
X: [grin] Well, don't worry, I'll get it somehow. [goes around/behind Amelia] Our next guest is her Royal Majesty, Princess Amelia Wil Tesla Sailloon -
Audience: [squeals from Alyson M. & the Amelia Squad]
A: [waves to fans]
X: Now, Miss Amelia, you have a spell called "Visfarank," yes? Would you tell us how it works?
A: Well, Mr. Xellos, it's really a very basic sort of spell; it's kind of like an Astral Vine, except you cast it on yourself instead of a weapon.
X: And how is this spell used?
A: Well, you take and ... [blush] um ... [fidget] hit ... your target...
X: [grin] What kind of target?
A: Oh, mazoku -
X: [gasp/melodrama] Mazoku??
A: [frown] I've never hit you, Mr. Xellos! I don't hit people .... it's not ladylike.
L: [glare] What's that supposed to mean?
A: [pretends not to hear]
X: Miss Amelia, isn't your father a pacifist?
A: Yes -
X: So, how did he get to be so violent?
A: [cross] Mr. Xellos, you know very well that my father's attacks are only his very last resort - he always tries diplomacy first! And he never hits people, either!
Copy Rezo: [frown] Hey, he tried to hit me!
A: [smug] Why, so he did.
X: [to Amelia] Don't you think it's strange for a family of pacifists to have such a reputation for aggression?
A: [speech pose] There's nothing wrong with aggression, when it's put to good use! We strive aggressively to keep the peace, uphold justice, and eradicate the oppression of the poor and disadvantaged!!
X: [a bit green] Thank you Amelia; you can sit down now. [to audience] And next to Miss Amelia is a man who, inexplicably, does not have a reputation for violence: Mr. Zelgadis Greywords -
Audience: [thunderous applause] [loud cheers from Li Walker; fellow Zelkaholics duck her flailing ruler]
X: How would you explain this misconception that you're a peaceful type of guy, Mr. Zelgadis?
Z: It's probably because I don't go flying off the handle, like some people -
L & A: [glares]
X: You don't? Then who was it that destroyed a whole bandit's lair with a wind spell, when he couldn't see a certain manuscript?
Z: [blush] Well, that was ... that was magical violence; it's a bit different.
X: Very well then, how about the time you beat up Lina?
Z: [blush] That was a long time ago! And I was under orders... And besides ... [fidgets] I, uh ... I don't really ... [rubs neck] I don't like beating up girls...
X: Really? But, didn't you just come up and whack her on the bean, once?
L: Yeah, that hurt!
Z: [to Lina] You wanted to cast the Dragon Slave indoors!
X: And then there's the way you're always grabbing me by the throat -
Z: [frown] Twice isn't always!
X: And besides that, there's the matter of your swordplay - your kill ratio's higher than Gourry's -
Z: Well, I don't think Gourry's ever been a villain before.
X: Basically, you're a pretty bloodthirsty guy, aren't you, Mr. Zelgadis?
Z: Not really; but that might change, if you keep talking.
X: [grin] That's the spirit! [proceeds to Copy Rezo] Our next guest is a rather unusual case, himself - Mr. Copy Rezo, aren't you the duplicate of a priest?
CR: Yes.
X: And wasn't the Red Priest, your - uh ... sire - wasn't he a pacifist as well? I mean, he never acted violently toward others, did he?
CR: Not to my knowledge.
X: But the beatings you administered toward the end of your lifetime could have disqualified you from the World Wrestling Federation! Was this the fundamental difference between you and Rezo?
CR: No, the fundamental difference is that I was a copy. I doubt Rezo would have emulated me, were he in my situation.
X: Why's that?
CR: My goal in life was intrinsically violent, and his was not.
X: I see. And was killing your creator part of that goal?
CR: Not at all; Eris and I had essentially the same goal. I only killed her when it became clear that she would only get in the way.
X: Not because she dressed you funny?
CR: I'm not dressed funny!
X: Aren't you? Don't you think Rezo would have become violent, if he could have seen what he was wearing?
CR: Of course not!
X: Why not?
CR: [headache] Because he'd be able to see, you dolt!
X: [laughs] Oh yes; silly me! I have only one last question for you, Mr. Copy Rezo...
CR: What's that?
X: [grin] How does it feel to punch Amelia in the face?
CR: [smile] Pretty satisfying, actually.
A: [scowl]
X: [goes to stand beside Gaav] Our final guest on today's show is the one whose name is nearly synonymous with violence; please welcome Chaos-Dragon Gaav -
Audience: [polite applause] [Danie-chan whistles sharply & brandishes a safety razor]
G: [huh?]
X: Lord Gaav, I understand your favorite hobby was war?
G: That's right. Haven't had a good war in far too long.
X: Would they even let you participate, what with being dead?
G: [pout] That's not what I meant, but it's still a rather annoying detail.
X: Lord Gaav, have you ever considered the reason for your love of violence? Why are you so fond of war?
G: Well, I think it has to do with the mazoku diet of negative emotion: you prefer the negative emotions experienced by people being annoyed, and I simply prefer to enjoy people being brutally terrorized. [grin] Then there's the entertainment value...
X: Entertainment value?
G: [grin] Yes; hacking you up was the most fun I'd had in quite a while. [grin] You were really in a lot of pain, there...
X: [uncomfy] So you're saying that basically, you're more of a sadist than a bully, is that it?
G: Yes, basically. [grin] And aren't you rumored to be a masochist ... ?
X: [very uncomfy] Well, I ... ah ... I think we're out of time for this week! But anyone with questions, comments, ideas or ticket requests can contact the Xellos Show c/o Executive Producer Renfield!
[closing credits/theme: instrumental version of "Bad Businessman" (SNZ)]
G: [frown/sigh]
X: [carefully drifting away from Gaav] And be sure to tune in next week, to see [whips out index card & reads] [eyegleam] "Cooking With Kira!" [grin/waves] Bye, now!