[opening credits/theme]
[applause; audience is mixed: lurkers, Slayworld residents, and Iron Chef fans. Rabidcow is in the Betareader's throne w/knife, fork, & gas mask]
onstage set: the chairs & dais have been replaced by a long counter w/sink, range, cutting board, & various cooking implements neatly laid out on top
Xellos: [is already onstage, behind counter, tying a black apron on over his white dress shirt & purple-black slacks] [adjusts radio mike, rolls up sleeves] [grin] Hello, everyone, and welcome to today's show, where we'll be cooking with Kira - [cues Kira]
Kira: [pops up from behind counter] Hi, there! [waves]
Audience: awwww [Sarah PIC] kawaii!
X: - And our lovely assistant, Mr. Gourry Gabriev. [cues offstage right]
Gourry: [strolls onstage right, sans armor, w/hair braided into a queue] I'm not lovely!
X: Your fans beg to differ. [indicates audience]
Audience: [Gourry Groupies] kawaii! [kiss blowing]
X: Anyway, you're the assistant; all assistants are lovely.
G: Why do I have to be the assistant?
X: [getting Gourry into another apron] Because I'm the host, and Kira's the guest chef. That just leaves you to be the lovely assistant. [steps back] But before we can start, we must acknowledge the sponsor of today's show, Deep-Sea Dolphin: [whips out index card & reads] "The voices in my head say They're coming to get me." [flings card over shoulder] Now, let's find out what we'll be making! Mr. Gourry, the envelope, please.
G: Envelope? Oh, yeah... [fishes in pockets; hands over sealed envelope]
X: Thank you! [opens envelope; withdraws cards] So, it looks like we'll be making: [card 1] bread, and [card 2] Chicken Cordon Bleu.... [passes cards to Kira] Shall we start with the bread first? It sounds easy enough.
K: Okay... [shuffles recipe cards]
G: What do we do?
X: [getting ingredients out from behind counter]
K: [reading recipe card] Okay, first you have to put the yeast in a quarter cup of warm water...
X: [fills small bowl from tap; adds yeast] All right...
G: [watching] Why do you have to soak the yeast?
X: Because it's dormant when it's dehydrated.
G: Dormant? You mean it's alive?
X: Well, you can't make bread with dead mold -
G: [alarm] You're putting live mold in the bread!? [makes face] Gross!
X: [assembling other ingredients in large bowl] It's how bread is made, Gourry...
K: - It's in the recipe! [waves card briefly] Mr. Gourry, would you preheat the oven, please? 400 degrees.
G: Okay - um... [peers at controls]
X: [points at controls] (Those are for the stove, and these are for the oven.)
G: Oh, thanks. [turns dials]
X: You've just preheated the left rear burner to "clean."
G: Oh. Oops; um... [fiddles with controls] Is that it?
X: Well, close enough.
K: Now we need two cups of scalded milk.
X: Okay. [grin] [pours milk into saucepan; sets on burner]
G: [sheepish look/rubs neck]
X: [to Kira] How will we know when it's scalded?
K: It gets a skin on top, and tiny bubbles ... but don't let it boil!
X: Is the yeast ready, Mr. Gourry?
G: [makes a face] [passes bowl to Xellos] It's gone all gooey.
X: Excellent! [stirs yeast solution; adds to other ingredients] [dumps flour in & begins mixing]
K: Have you made bread before, Mr. Xellos
X: [laugh/grin] Of course! Mind you, it was a little different from this stuff - [examines card] - yes; this recipe only calls for one live ingredient. [continues mixing/stirring] How's the milk coming along,
Mr. Gourry?
G: [peers at milk] Well ... it's doing something...
X: [peers at milk]
K: [on Xellos' left; cranes over counter to peer at milk]
G: Why can't we do this in a microwave?
X: If it's possible, it would certainly go much faster.
Renfield: [offscreen] There's no way I'm letting you people near a microwave.
G: [pout]
X: [still peering at milk] Well ... let's just say it's ready. [removes milk from burner; tests heat] That'll do - [pours milk into mixing bowl; stirs] [dumps in more flour] Will you stir that for us please, Mr. Gourry? [slides bowl to his right]
G: Okay! [begins mixing furiously]
Audience: [Gourry Groupies] ooooh, muscles!
X: [pulls up a cutting board & sprinkles w/flour] Miss Kira, is it true that you are what you eat?
K: [playing w/measuring spoons] I dunno. I never heard that before... ...
X: Well, what's your favorite food? [to Gourry] (Thank you, Gourry; I'll take that now.) [dumps dough onto floured board & commences kneading]
K: Oh, I like lollies!
X: And Mr. Gourry? What's your favorite food?
G: Gee, that's a toughie... [skritches head] But I'll have to say roast beef!
X: [grin] [still kneading] Well, it seems to hold true in your case... ...
G: What's your favorite food, Xellos?
X: [blink] My favorite? Well, I've always been partial to pastry... ...
K: Pastry?
X: Yes ... you know; crumpet, tarts ... [grin] [kneads more vigorously] cheesecake ... turnovers... [grin]
R: [offscreen] Well, I guess you really are what you eat.
X: [laughs] [dumps dough into bowl; kneads further] There - What do we do with it now, Miss Kira?
K: [consults card] Cover the bowl with a cloth and let the ... what's that word? [points]
X: [over shoulder] Dough.
K: Let it rise.
X: Okay - [passes bowl to right] Will you put that to the side, Mr. Gourry? Thank you...
G: Are we doing the chicken next?
K: Yes! [switches cards] "Chicken Cor ... - don ... B - ... Bl - "
X: [clasps brow] - Cordon Bleu.
G: [to Xellos] There's flour in your hair.
X: Just trying to be festive. [to Kira] What do we do first?
K: [reads] "Preheat the oven to 400 degrees - "
G: But, we just did that for the bread -
X: That's lucky - it's pre-preheated! [to Kira] What else is there?
K: There's a two-part batter we have to make... Mr. Xellos, have you made this before, too?
X: [already separating eggs] Well ... kind of... [adds buttermilk to egg whites] Does it say mustard, next?
K: Yes - Mr. Gourry, is there a thing of bread crumbs under the counter?
G: [locates bowl] This?
X: [whisking egg white mixture]
K: [to Gourry] Yes; now you add a half-teaspoon each of salt and pepper. [passes down measuring spoons]
X: [sets down well-beaten egg batter] There we go! Isn't there cheese involved in this dish, Miss Kira?
K: Yes, but ... I can't read the names. [hands recipe card to Xellos]
X: [reads] "Prosciutto, Gruyere, and parmesan."
K: [ducks under counter] What do they look like?
X: The parmesan should be pre-measured, I think - that's it - I think this goes with your bread crumbs, Mr. Gourry. [passes up parmesan]
G: Oh, thank you! [adds cheese & stirs]
X: - And this sliced stuff should be the prosciutto and Gruyere - thank you, Miss Kira. Now, what's left?
G: ... The chicken?
X: That sounds about right... [passes card to Kira]
K: [reads] "Four skinned chicken breast halves - "
G: Chickens don't have breasts!
X: They don't? Hmm ... let's see - [ducks behind counter - yanks live chicken out of basket]
Audience: GASP
X: [grins] [to audience] Well, fresh ingredients are very important! [begins plucking live, hysterical chicken] [grin] So, what's the recommended method of slaughtering a chicken, Mr. Gourry? [feathers go everywhere] [grin] Do you wring it's neck, or chop off it's pointy little head?
G: Xellos!
K: [alarm] Oh, no, Mr. Xellos!
Audience: [alarm; minor uproar] don't do it!
X: [to audience] What was that? [pauses]
K: Don't do it, Mr. Xellos!
G: [folds arms/frowns] I can't believe you'd do that in front of a little kid, Xellos.
Audience: [garbled] [Archess Shi] - don't kill the chicken!
X: What? You don't want me to kill the chicken?
Audience: DON'T KILL THE CHICKEN!!
X: [pause] [grin] Well, we'll just have to use it as it is, then!
Audience: [minor chaos]
X: If I remember correctly, the next step is to stuff the cheese in the chicken. [manipulates/examines half-plucked chicken] Hmm... [folds slices of cheese under the chicken's wings]
G: [headache]
X: [grin] Then we roll it in the bread crumbs [dunks chicken in bowl; bread crumbs follow feathers] - then the egg batter - [some splashing] - then the bread crumbs again - [chicken is tiring]
K: [distressed] [grabs Xellos' elbow] Mr. Xellos, stop - leave it alone!
X: But we're done! We only have to bake it, now!
G: [finishing off the leftover milk]
K: Mr. Xellos, you can't bake a live chicken!
X: How else do you cook it?
Audience: ... don't kill the chicken!
K: [takes messy, exhausted chicken from Xellos] I don't care! You can't hurt the chicken anymore! [cuddles traumatized bird]
X: [skritches head] Well, it looks like the chicken is off - [grin] but we've still got the bread! Mr. Gourry, will you pass me that bowl, please?
G: [hands over bread bowl]
X: [whisks off covering] Yes, that's risen nicely! It just needs to be punched down. Mr. Gourry -
G: Hmm?
X: - Will you punch down the bread dough, please? [hands bowl back]
G: [grin] Okay! [SPLAT]
[bread dough follows feathers and bread crumbs]
X: [pause] Thank you, Mr. Gourry.
K: [whimpers]
G: [grin] You're welcome! Do we bake it now?
X: [checks bowl for any remaining dough] No, Mr. Gourry, you may turn off the oven. We seem to have reached the final phase of home cooking.
G & K: What's that?
X: [sigh] Ordering out. [braces hands on counter] Do we want Chinese, or Italian?
K: Oh, I want Chinese!
G: I don't care, as long as there's a lot of it!
X: I've got to close the show, first. So if anyone out there has questions, comments, ideas, or ticket requests for the Xellos Show, you can email them to our Executive Producer Renfield.
[closing credits/theme]
K: [still holding chicken] I want egg rolls!
X: [weary] Don't forget to come back for next week's show [pulls out index card & reads] "Payback!" [rests head on counter] Ohhh, what a disappointment...
R: [offscreen] Look on the bright side; no one had to eat your cooking!
X: That's not a bright side!
G & K: Yes it is!