[opening credits/theme]
[applause; audience is mixed: lurkers, Slayworld residents, minor & mid-level mazoku. Rabidcow is in the Betareader's throne, finishing his lunch]
[Lina, Zel & Amelia are already seated onstage, in that order, w/radio mikes] [one chair is empty]
Xellos: [teleports in, front & center, w/microphone & purple-black suit] [grin] Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Xellos Show - which is a very very special show today, because our sponsor is my very own Greater Beast, Zelas Metallium!
Audience: [Techno] booo!
X: [glares at Techno] [to camera/index finger] "Remember, Beast knows best!" [grin/wink] [waves] Hii, Zelas-sama!
Zelas: [offscreen] [chuckle] Yes, I see you, Xellos...
X: And the topic of today's show is Payback! So we'll be ... [glances at empty chair] - we'll be having a Mystery Guest, apparently... [skritches head] What are we doing today?
Lina: [smirk] Read the card, Xellos.
X: Oh, yes! The card - [whips out index card]
Zelgadis & Amelia: [more smirks]
X: [reads card] "Dear Xellos, since all the guests on your show today are present to exact revenge for themselves or others, by special arrangement with the Greater Beast Zelas Metallium [huge eyes; trembles] you shall be deprived of the power of teleportation for one half hour, as a means to accomplish this goal." [whimpers/drops card]
Zelgadis & L: [pounce on Xellos]
X: [in scuffle] Be gentle! I'm delicate!
Renfield: [offscreen/to Zelas] Thanks so much for letting us pull this off, Zelas-san; it's really appreciated.
[Zelas & Renfield are standing on either side of the rear camera, & cannot be seen]
Zelas: Oh, it's nothing - he's due for it anyway; it's been a while since I last had him over my knee.
R: Oh, I'm so jealous!
Zelas: - You are? I could put you over my knee, right here -
R: Erm, thank you, but that's not really what I meant...
X: [now tied to chair] You can't do this! How am I supposed to host the show?
L: [swaps mikes w/Xellos] Quiet, Xellos! I'm holding all the cards now, see? [fans index cards]
Audience: [a few groans] [Archess Shi] yaay!
X: [pout] At least I get to sit down...
[Lina & Zelgadis are standing, flanking Xellos; Amelia is standing behind w/a massive "Hammer of Justice"]
L: [grin] I think the first order of business we'd better get done is to bring out the Surprise Mystery Guest - [cues offstage left] Miss Nahga the Serpent!
A: !!??
Nahga: [strolls onstage left - w/baseball bat] [smirk/wave]
A: Gracia?
N: [blink] Amelia?
A: Where have you been?
N: - Didn't you get my postcards? [pause] "Dear folks, weather lovely, blew up a demon, wish you were here?"
A: [shakes head]
N: [glare] Well, I guess someone must have raised the postal rates in my absence!
A: Erm ... I wouldn't know anything about that...
L: Anyway! What are you here for today, Nahga?
N: [brandishes bat] I'm here to thank Xellos for exposing me on the Cheesecake Special!
X: I told you, that was an accident!
Zelgadis: Quiet, it's not your turn to talk, yet.
L: That's right, Xellos; on today's show, we're going to play a little game called "Payback!"
X: "Payback?"
L: It's a very simple game, Xellos; Zel and I ask the questions, and you answer them. You'll pick up the rest of the rules as we go along. [grin] Are you ready for the first question?
X: Do I have a choice?
L: Good! We'll start with an easy one... [shuffles cards briefly] - First question, Xellos: boxers or briefs?
Audience: [Xellos Hardcore] [lewd whistles from Danie-chan]
X: [grin] Not today!
A: [shocked] Mr. Xellos! [readies Hammer]
Audience: [Xellos Hardcore] [big cheers]
L: Xellos -
X: [flinch] It's a G-string! I'm wearing a G-string, okay?
Zelgadis: [looks ill] Ask him something else, quick!
L: No, you get the next question, Zel.
Audience: [Zelkaholics] [cheers from Leina-chan]
Zelgadis: Okay ... hmm ... [considers] Why were you out to destroy old Claire Bible manuscripts, Xellos?
X: Sorry, that is a secret!
L: [grin] Oho, he said the magic words! Now Amelia gets to punish you.
X: What?
A: [grin] All right! [WHACK]
X: ... oog...
L: [grin] Are you ready for the third question?
X: Whuh?
L: [grin] Good! Now tell us, Xellos, isn't it true ... that you're a huge fan of Lucy Lawless?
X: What?
A: [tiny pink hearts] Lucy Lawless! She plays the avenging warrior princess! [fan swoon] She's sooo cool...
L: [smirk] - And you've got posters of her all over your dressing room, right Xellos?
X: [panic] A-absolutely not! I deny that completely!
L: [addresses offscreen] ... Zelas?
Zelas: That ... is not true.
X: [very pale]
Zelgadis: [scolds] Tsk; Xellos, you told a lie...
L: Now it's Nahga's turn to punish you! [grin]
X: Oh, no...
N: [eyegleam/grin] Oh, yesss - [WHACK WHACK WHACK WH - ]
L: - Erm, Nahga - you only get one hit...
N: Oops, sorry! [sheepish grin] You may have to keep reminding me.
L: Oh, that's all right.
X: [whimper]
L: [grin] Next question, Xellos!
Zelgadis: ... What do you like most about transvestism?
X: [blink] Well, being cute, of course!
L: Zel, you've got to come up with better questions.
X: [grins at Zelgadis]
L: Okay, Xellos... [reads card] [smirk] - Are you, or are you not, a masochist?
X: What do you mean?
N: She means, do you enjoy this - [WHACK]?
L: Nahga! It's my turn next!
X: [dizzy] I didn't enjoy that!
A: I thought that masochists were supposed to enjoy pain...
X: Well, there's pain, and then there's pain -
Zelgadis: In this case, I think what she means by "masochist" is - [whispers in Xellos' ear]
X: Ohhh...
A: Mr. Zelgadis?
L: Well, Xellos? Are you, or not?
X: [nervous] Well, that's a - what I mean is - I'm not sure you -
L, N & A: Say it already!!
X: [cringes] Yes, yes, I'm a masochist! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!!
Audience: [Xellos Hardcore/Softies] don't hurt him!
L: [addresses offscreen] Zelas?
Zelas: Technically, this is true.
L: [grin] Good boy! Your turn, Zelgadis!
Zelgadis: Okay ... [smirk] who do you find most attractive: Lina, Amelia, or Nahga?
X: [very pale] Oh, no...
L, A & N: [glare]
X: [very nervous] I - I can't answer that question!
A: We're all waiting, Mr. Xellos...
X: Can't I just pass? - Please?
L: Well, I suppose - but since you don't want to answer the question, I'll have to punish you first.
Audience: [Linafans] [cheers from Tochira]
X: [whimper]
L: [whips out a bottle of chocolate sauce]
X: [blink] ??
L: [squirts Xellos' chest liberally]
X: [gasp] My suit! You've ruined my suit!!
L: [puts away chocolate] [grin] Yup!
X: I can't believe you did that! Chocolate never comes out -
L: Next question! [shuffles cards] Why aren't you allowed to overtly aid or inhibit anyone?
X: Ah - [looks at Zelas] - I - [nervous] I can't say! [droops/moans] It's a secret!
L: [smirk] - Is that your final answer?
X: [whimper] [nods]
Zelgadis: [smirk] [dark laugh] Then, it's my turn, now! [whips out a knife] Let's see how you like being stared at, Xellos! [grabs Xellos by the hair - takes a swipe at his face]
X: [megacringe] Ohhh...
Audience: [Xellos Hardcore] not the face! not the face!
Zelgadis: [steps back] [evil grin]
X: [uncringes slowly] ?? [a large chunk of his bangs is missing]
Zelgadis: [extends hand] [sprinkles purple clippings in front of Xellos] [grin]
X: [shock/huge eyes] M-my hair! You cut my hair! [snifl] Zelas-sama, he cut my hair!
Zelas: [offscreen] Yes, I can see that.
X: [teary] My hair! [sob/snifl] Mommy, my hair! [cue waterworks] Waaaaaahhh...
L: [dumbfounded] Wow, Nahga, he's more vain than you are!
N: [also dumbfounded] Who'd have thought?
Zelgadis: [stunned/disgusted] I'm almost sorry I did it, now.
X: [still mourning his hair]
A: [slight alarm/concern] Don't cry, Mr. Xellos; it'll grow back!
L: ... Erm, next question?
X: [sob] My hairrr...
Zelgadis: [disgusted] Ugh, let's just end the show...
[closing credits/theme]
L: Fair enough... [shuffles index cards/reads] "If you have questions or comments about the Xellos Show, you can contact us c/o Executive Producer Renfield."
X: [snifl] Um ... someone untie me?
L, A & N: [back away from Xellos]
Zelgadis: Can't you teleport yet?
X: [shakes head] [sniffle/sob]
Zelgadis: - Oh, don't start crying again!