[opening credits/theme: abbreviation of Memphis Exorcism (SNZ)]
[applause; audience is mixed: lurkers, Slayworld residents, & disoriented tourists. The Betareader's throne is unoccupied {because nobody betaread this episode!!}]
[Amelia, Sylphiel, Eris & Filia are already seated onstage, in order, w/radio mikes]
Xellos: [teleports in, front & center, w/microphone & purple-black suit] [grin] Hello, everyone, and welcome back to the Xellos Show, where today we'll be interrogating some -- I mean, interviewing some shrine maidens. But before we can begin, I must at this point mention that our sponsor today, oddly enough, is none other than Hellmaster Phibrizzo [whips out card; squints at it] [inverts card; squints at it] ... who has really nasty handwriting [flings card over shoulder]. And our first shrine maiden today is none other than her majesty, Princess Amelia Wil Tesla Sailloon! [goes to stand beside Amelia]
Audience: [Amelia Squad] [cheers]
X: Miss Amelia, you were a shrine maiden in Sailloon, yes? Who were your patron deities?
Amelia: Yes -- I was a shrine maiden of Ceipheed and Aqua, the Water Dragon King...
X: And what sort of things did they teach you, as a shrine maiden of Aqua?
A: [with more confidence] Well, they taught us about the war between Ceipheed and Shabranigdo, and the Kouma War, and about the Water Dragon King's roles in those wars, and they taught us white magic, of course, and rituals for purification and --
X: -- Rituals, hmm?
A: -- Yes --
X: Have you ever slaughtered a goat?
A: [shock/dismay] No, of course not!
X: Oh, I guess they hadn't come to that part before you left the temple, then.
A: [loudly] Shrine maidens don't sacrifice goats!
X: They don't? Do you suppose they have the priests do it, then?
A: [exasperated] NO! Nobody sacrifices goats! You don't sacrifice goats to Ceipheed!
X: [grin] Noo, of course not; now we're getting silly. Ceipheed would demand an oxen sacrifice. And we're talking about the Water Dragon King, here.
A: [gritted teeth] Mr. Xellos ... Mr. Xellos, has it occurred to you yet that animal sacrifice is exactly the opposite of all that the forces of good, light, and justice stand for?
X: Is it really? I hadn't considered it like that before.
A: [counts down from ten, calming down]
X: -- How about human sacrifice?
A: AAAAAAIIIIIGHH!!!
X: [grin] Thank you for enlightening us, Miss Amelia! [steps over to Sylphiel] Our next shrine maiden is Miss Sylphiel Nels Rada, who I'm told was a fairly advanced shrine maiden at Sairaag before its demolition. Miss Sylphiel, can you tell us about the differences between the religious magics of Sailloon and Sairaag?
Sylphiel: Well, white magic in Sailloon is mostly concerned with repelling, destroying, or containing demons, while in Sairaag, white magic was used for healing, agricultural, and fertility spells.
X: I see. And what did you use these fertility spells for?
S: Well . . you know ... fertility... [blush]
X: Can you tell us how they worked, exactly?
S: [blush] Um -- not really... My specialty was healing and protection, actually...
X: So, you wouldn't happen to know of any rites involving nude mud-wrestling then, would you?
S: [baffled] Um, no, I wouldn't.
X: [pause] I sense there's something you're not telling us, Miss Sylphiel.
S: [blink] I beg your pardon?
X: [leans in] Miss Sylphiel, what's the naughtiest thing you've ever done?
S: [huge eyes] The naughtiest thing? [squirms; bites nails] The worst thing I've ever done...
X: Come on, out with it...
S: [squirms] Well, um, once when I was a little kid... [blush] one night ... I took the Blessed Blade out of the shine at Sairaag --
X: -- And went on a killing spree, yes?
S: No! I only took and hid it --
X: -- You were using it to frame someone, then?
S: No! All I did was hide it in a pool under Flagoon!
X: Oh, is that all. Well, thank you for coming on the show today, Miss Sylphiel; you've been a spectacular disappointment.
S: What?
X: [proceeds to Eris] Miss Eris, our third shrine maiden today, is an exception to the norm in that she lodged at no individual shrine for very long, as the personal assistant of Rezo the Red Priest -- is this the case, Miss Eris?
Eris: Yes.
X: And what kinds of magic did you come to specialize in?
E: Well, healing magic, of course, and herbology, alchemy, and from those copy magic.
X: I see. So, where exactly did you learn to raise demons as powerful as Zanaffar?
E: [grin] You forget, I was present when Rezo had the summoning circle installed in his lab. Besides which, any spell Rezo wanted to learn or record, I first had to read or transcribe.
X: And your abilities tended toward alchemy... Tell me, had you ever considered simply dosing him with a love potion?
E: [sigh] Well, besides being revolting to my moral senses at the time, a love potion would simply not have worked on Rezo...
X: I see, because the love-potion principle is love-at-first-sight...
E: [nodding] -- And Rezo was blind.
X: [grin] I don't suppose he could have had love at first grope?
E: [scowl] No.
X: Have you ever considered copying yourself?
E: [grimace] Whatever for?
X: [grin] Well, you know ... two Erises... [to audience] I mean, two Erises! [chest-level gesture] Imagine the possibilities! [grin]
E: Ugh, keep your mind off me!
X: Oh, I'm very sorry, Miss Eris; please forgive me.
E: [blinkblink]
X: -- I don't suppose you'd know anything about a nude mud-wrestling ritual, would you?
E: [CENSORED]
X: [sigh] I guess I'll have to make up my own ritual, then. Thanks for being on the show today, Miss Eris, and for not copying yourself. [proceeds to Filia] Our final shrine maiden today is Miss Filia Ul Copt, from the shrine of the Fire Dragon King. Miss Filia, your specialty is holy magic, is it not?
Filia: [already wary] Yes, it is.
X: Well, Miss Filia, the only question I have for you is -- how in the nine hells did someone like you become a shrine maiden?
F: What?
X: I'm only asking because you're the most violent, short-tempered, self-centered person I've ever met --
F: What??
X: -- And are those qualities reallly desireable in a shrine maiden?
F: [luminous battle aura] [stands up] I am just not putting up with this.
X: [to audience] Watch, now she'll gently convert me with her mace.
F: [transforms]
S: Eeeeeeeeeeek!
A: Miss Filia, get ahold of yourself!
E: [grin] You go, girl!
F: [dracoform] [to Xellos] Conversion!? What you need is an exorcism!
A&S: [have left the main stage]
F: [attempts a swat-and-stomp maneuver, clearing all furniture from the main stage]
E: [gymnastic dodging]
X: [teleports ... and is tackled from behind by Eris] Whoa!
E: I got him! Now!
F: [flame breath]
E&X: [are well-crisped]
F: Oops! Oh, I'm so sorry, Miss Eris! [transforms]
X: [coughs]
E: That's all right; I was dead already. [gets up] I hope that's taught you something, Xellos!
X: [casually, on one elbow] Indeed it has! I've learned that if I pick on her enough, Miss Eris will sit on me! [gets up]
E: [disgruntled] [swipes Filia's mace] Lemme borrow this for a minute.
X: Actually, girls, I'm afraid we're out of time already. [backing away from Eris] But anyone with questions, comments, or ticket requests can email us c/o our Executive Producer Renfield! [running from Eris]
F: [circles around to cut off his escape route]
X: [teleports out]
X: [teleports in, up close to camera] -- And next week, instead of a normal-type show, we'll be covering the Atlas City New Years' Day Parade -- unless maybe somebody gets a massive head injury.
F: [offscreen] There you are!
X: [pales] Bye! [runs]
[closing credits/theme: instrumental of Bad Businessman (SNZ)]
I Forgot to Add:
X: Look, it's Atilla the Nun!
F: [brandishing mace] Say your prayers, Xellos!!