[aerial view of Atlas City, courtesy of their mage guild]
[opening credits]
[fade to Xellos in a black coat, scarf & gloves, sitting at a press table with a microphone. Bits of blurred cityscape are visible behind him]
Xellos: [grin] Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Atlas City New Year's Day Parade, where I'm currently sitting on a precarious scaffolding four stories above the street in front of the Atlas City Bank. Today's parade coverage is made possible by Atlas City Hall, who would like to remind you [whips out index card & reads] "Resistance is futile!" [flings card over shoulder/looks around briefly] Aand it looks as if I shall be covering this even on my own, since my scheduled co-commentator, Miss Nahga the Serpent, is still not here, despite the presence of free coffee and doughnuts.
Nahga: [offscreen: under the table] [groans] I'm here, I'm here... How did I get here? [crawls out from under table, into chair next to Xellos -- she is severely hungover & somehow already wearing a radio mike]
X: Well, nevermind, there she is. I trust you had an eventful New Year's Eve, Miss Nahga?
N: [holding head] Shhhhhhhh.
X: Excellent! [back to camera] Well, I'd be telling you how the parade is coming along, if it weren't for the fact that it hasn't started yet ... but at least we've got thousands of people turned out in this freezing weather to watch other people walk down the street. What an event!
N: [blearily] Where's coffee? [staggers offscreen to the right]
X: [watches] ... Miss Nahga, are you sure you want to put that in your coffee?
N: [offscreen] Shut up.
X: [looks queasy]
N: [returns to press table w/foaming coffee mug]
N: [looking over railing] Hey, I think it's starting.
X: [perky] So it is! [following her gaze] And the first guild float of the year is ... the Atlas City mage guild's float!
[cut to view from the roof of Atlas City Bank, with voiceover]
X: It looks like they've gone for the golem escort again -- except, this year, the golems surrounding the float seem to be gold-plated -- talk about showing it off! And those spurts of flame coming from the float itself are being generated by -- well, it looks like a real live dragon! Good thing they've got it on a leash.
N: [grumbles] I could've done better. [/slurp/]
X: ... And there's the damsel with the leash. Talk about a consistent theme! I hope they fed the dragon...
[pause]
N: Baahaha...
X: Oh dear, apparently they didn't. Well that was unfortunate, but at least it will have some relevance to leash-law legislation in the City this year ... and perhaps parade viewers will have learned a bit about flammable winter wear. It's a good thing they had that golem escort!
N: [grumbles] Wish he'd eaten the damsel, instead.
X: ... And here comes the plumber's guild float, with the guild members running ahead to put out the fires. That was some thoughtful parade planning, there.
[cut to press table w/Xellos & Nahga]
X: [grin] But they have a boring float, so instead we're going to address that question nagging at so many of you who've ever watched parade commentary, or even the news: are they wearing pants?
N: [snickers]
X: Well, hell yes I'm wearing pants! It's cold out here! If I weren't wearing pants, my butt would be stuck to the folding chair!
N: [waves] I'm not wearing pants! -- Oh, wait. Do these count as pants? [moons Xellos & camera]
X: [flinches] Miss Nahga -- will you just sit on it, please?
N: Fine... [sits]
X: You ought to get a license for that thing.
[trumpet fanfares from street]
N: [goes pale]
X: What's that? [looks over railing]
[cut to rooftop view w/voiceover]
X: Well, that's a surprise -- it's Prince Philionel of Sailloon and his daughter, Princess Amelia, in procession. They must have been in Atlas City over New Year's.
Amelia: [waves charmingly to the crowd]
X: [absently] Yes, Prince Phil is still uglier than his horse.
[cut to press table: Nahga is crawling under it]
N: [panicked] Hide me!
X: What? What's wrong?
N: Nothing's wrong! I'm just hiding under the table --
X: [pokes head under the table] Miss Nahga, what did you do last night!?
N: [hisses] Nothing! Just shut up and pretend I'm not here!
X: [pops up quickly/grin]
[cut to rooftop view w/voiceover]
X: Anyway! There's the royal pair -- and Princess Amelia has dismounted to help heal some of the dragon victims, isn't she sweet? And Prince Phil is waiting for her, and Nahga isn't here.
N: Shhh!
X: And the guild float scheduled to follow them is the Atlas City cartographers, but I don't see it anywhere... Wait, there it is: coming out of a cross-street two blocks back. And now they're turning in the wrong direction. Haha, I love it; the mapmakers have gotten lost. Ladies and gentlemen, they will never live this one down.
[cut to press table: Xellos is standing with his back to the camera, watching cartographers]
N: [offscreen: under table] [loud whisper] Psst! Are they gone yet?
X: Who, the royalty? They're gone. [turns toward camera, half-watching street] The next float is by the chemists and apothecaries' guild, and is also very boring, unless you enjoy the symbolism inherent in the largest mortar and pestle ever seen in Atlas City...
N: [crawls out from under table] [groans] Ohh, my head... [sits] I need more coffee.
X: Miss Nahga, would you consider a slightly more reputable hangover remedy? [sits]
N: [blearily] ... Like what?
X: [grin/brings glass from offscreen left] Six raw eggs. [produces eggs from inside his coat, two at a time]
N: Raw eggs? Do you always carry eggs inside your coat? What's up with that? [pokes his coat] How many more have you got in there?
X: [cracking eggs into glass] Miss Nahga, please don't touch me there. Raw eggs are good for a lot of things; they have protein and antioxidant vitamins. [slides glass over to Nahga] [grin] Drink up!
N: You're serious? I have to drink that?
X: Is it worse than a hangover?
N: ...... [takes glass, hesitantly] [looks ill] Eeeewwwww....
X: Look at it this way, Miss Nahga; you eat cooked eggs all the time -- these ones are just a little ... underdone.
N: [braces self valiantly] [deep breath/raises glass] [tosses back eggs in one mighty draught]
X: [grin] I can't really remember where I heard it, that raw eggs are good for a hangover ... unless it was weight training they were good for...
N: [slams down glass] gasp [grimaces]
X: There, that wasn't so bad, was it? And you've only got two left, now.
N: -- Uh -- [stands]
X: Feel any better?
N: -- Uh -- I think -- I'm going to be sick! [grabs her mouth]
X: Well, turn around quick -- maybe you can hit some spectators.
N: [retches over railing -- with her back to the camera] Blearrrgh....
X: ......
N: [still being sick] Hurrrgh...
X: [to camera] [very sober] At this time, I would like to observe a moment of silence, in memory of my libido.
N: Uugh...
[cut to rooftop view w/voiceover]
N: [gasps] Coffee...
X: What's the next guild float, Miss Nahga?
N: Uh ... it's a dead horse.
X: Good lord, it's the tanners' guild. Who else would have the tact and aesthetic sensibility to parade a three-story-tall dead horse through town on New Year's Day?
crowd: [dead silence/some booing]
N: They should have worked something out with the tailors' guild. Hee, that would have been interesting.
X: Indeed. Were you aware, Miss Nahga, that Atlas City has a prostitutes' guild?
N: [a bit cranky] Yes, I was. And one remark from you about how I oughta join that guild, and you're going over the railing, bud.
X: ... I only meant to say, I can't wait until that guild gets permission to build a float...
N: Oh, is that all.
[cut to press table w/Xellos & Nahga with their backs to the camera]
X: Yes! And now I propose that we cut out early and go for some pizza and beer. This has been a monumentally disappointing event.
N: [snorts] [mutters something about] ... Loserville New Year's Parade...
X: Haha, you'd know better than I would. [faces camera] Well, that's all we're going to show you of the Atlas City New Year's Day Parade; with any luck they won't want us back to show you again next year. -- Unless maybe the prostitutes' guild --
N: Pizza and beer.
X: Yes, I know. And the good old regular Xellos Show will be back again on Friday, featuring Animal Freaks! [grin] [takes one more egg from inside his coat] And as always, our Executive Producer Renfield welcomes all commentary! [nonchalantly drops egg over railing] [grin] Bye!
[end credits]
N: Haha, my turn! [drops donut over railing]