[opening credits/theme]
[applause; audience is mixed: lurkers, Slayworld residents, and half of the Fred Tomlinson Singers. Rabidcow is in the Betareader's throne, doing his Supervillain Smirk (tm)]
[Amelia, Prince Randy, Zelgadis, Rezo, Gaav and Phibrizzo are already seated onstage, in that order, with radio mikes. No one looks comfortable except Phibrizzo]
Xellos: [teleports in, front & center, w/microphone and jet-purple suit] Hello, everyone, and thanks for tuning in - today's show it titled [grin] "Killed by Kin!" And it's brought to us by Hellmaster Phibrizzo - who is actually in the studio today!
Phibrizzo: [grin/wave] [dangles & kicks his legs]
X: [whips out index card & reads from it] "Because if you're going to hell, you'll need a Hellmaster!" [to Phibrizzo] Hey, thanks for sponsoring the Xellos Show, Phibrizzo.
P: [leg hung over arm rest] No problem.
X: [flings card over his shoulder] On to the carnage! Our first story of homicide in the family comes from Princess Amelia Wil Tesla Sailloon -
Audience: [cheers & squeals from Amelia Squad - Alyson M. leads]
X: [goes to stand behind Amelia] I understand Prince Randy here was your uncle?
Amelia: That's right.
X: Can you tell us why he's blond?
Randy: Are you insinuating something?
A: [looks uncomfy] It's a long story.
X: Well, Mis Amelia, can you tell us how you slaughtered your uncle?
A: I didn't slaughter him! [distressed/tearful] It was an accident!
Randy: [pats Amelia]
X: [eyeballs camera] Yeah ... we believe you... [to Amelia] What happened, exactly?
A: He threw a fireball at Daddy, and I tried to stop it with another fireball.
X: Oh, my -
A: And the explosion caused a massive cave-in.
X: Oh, I see - [to Randy] so you were actually crushed to death in a cave-in?
Randy: Yes, I think so -
X: You think so? Were you distracted by the mind-rending agony of the double-fireball explosion?
A: [verge of tears] [wringing hands]
Randy: [a bit miffed] No! [puts arm around Amelia] Are you nearly done questioning us?
X: Almost; I only have one last question for Amelia -
A: [snifl] Hmm?
X: Was it fun?
A: Wh - whaat??
Randy: What kind of a question is that?
X: It's an unanswered question. [to Amelia] Didn't you get a kick out of incinerating your uncle and squashing him like a bug?
Audience: [cheers from Xellos Hardcore fans - Chu the Froot Cake waves at camera]
A: [stunned] That's HORRIBLE!! - No, I didn't! It was an accident! [cue waterworks] I didn't mean to, Uncle Randy...
Audience: [hostile vibes at Xellos] [Amelia Squad] hisss...
Randy: [cuddles Amelia] That's all right, Amelia; you were just protecting your daddy.
Audience: awww [Xellos Hardcore fans blow spitwads at Amelia Squad; Archess Shi shoots a paperclip]
X: [looks slightly ill] Right! Ah - I believe our next guest to murder a relative is Mr. Zelgadis Greywords - [steps behind Zel & Rezo]
Audience: [Zelkaholics go nuts; Anna unfurls her banner proclaiming undying WUV]
X: So, Zel, how exactly are you related to the Red Priest here?
Rezo: [looks slightly anxious]
Zelgadis: Well, he's my ... grandfather...
X: Your grandfather? But, wasn't he a priest?
Rezo: [small blush] Well, I wasn't a monk...
X: [smirk] I think it goes a little further than that - aren't you his great-grandfather, as well?
Audience: ugh...
Z & Rezo: Hey!
Z: That's a family affair!
X: I'll say! Was that why you killed him?
Rezo: [wince]
Z: [ticked] He was possessed by Shabranigdo, you grinning idiot!
Audience: [Zelkaholics] You go, Zel!
Z: [calmer] And anyway, I didn't actually kill him.
Rezo: No, that was Lina Inverse.
X: You wanted to kill him, though, didn't you? Weren't you plotting it?
Z: [sober nod] Well, yes, for a little while I was.
Rezo: [pout]
X: And didn't you make several attempts on the life of Rezo-Shabranigdo?
Z: Yes -
X: So, you were at least an accessory to his demise, an accomplice to Lina Inverse - right? What's your spin on this, Red Priest?
Rezo: I don't think Zelgadis was utilizing his full potential - but then, even I couldn't have killed Shabranigdo on my own...
Z: [some exasperation]
X: Okay, one final question, Zel -
Z: [stony glare] { - har!}
X: Was it fun?
Z: That's unusually sick of you.
X: Well, was it?
Z: I was fighting for my life! Not something I'm inclined to consider "fun."
X: [makes a face/mutters] Maybe that's because you're no fun.
Z: [glower]
X: - All right! Our final fatal family feud - say it five times fast - is between Chaos-Dragon Gaav, here - [walks behind Gaav & comes out on the other side; Gaav makes Rezo look dinky]
Gaav: Lord Gaav.
X: Yes, sorry; I keep forgetting how fantastically insecure you are.
G: [glower]
X: - Between Lord Gaav and this small boy on the end, here. What was your name again?
P: [laughs, swings legs] Phibrizzo!
X: And how are you related?
P: Shabranigdo made both of us.
X: So, you're ... brothers?
G: [rolls eyes]
P: We-e-ell, technically. [dangles & kicks legs]
X: And how did Hellmaster Phibrizzo kill you, Lord Gaav?
G: Like that! [snaps fingers] He just decided to - little punk! [smacks Phibrizzo upside the head]
P: [frown] I could do it again, if you like.
G: Are you threatening me?
X: Whoa, wait, hold on - Phibrizzo, what was your motive for extinguishing Lord Gaav?
P: Well, he was a danger to my plans at the moment, and I couldn't see any use for him in the future - you see, his original mazoku essence had been corrupted irreversibly by the human form he'd been sealed into by the Water Dragon King about a thousand years ago. [swings & kicks legs]
X: Tsk, it's just one crushing defeat after another, isn't it, Lord Gaav?
G: [blush/sulk] Shut up.
X: One last question for you, Hellmaster -
P: [grin] Yes?
X: [grin] Was it fun?
P: [huge grin] Yes, Xellos; I've got to say it was tremendous fun.
Audience: [wild cheers]
G: [Death Glower]
P: If I had it to do over again, though, I think I'd make it a lot slower and a bit more painful -
G: [swats Phibrizzo upside the head again] That's enough out of you, I think.
X: Lord Gaav - will you please not assault the other guests?
P: [rubbing his head] That's all right, Xellos; I think he's due for another lesson anyway. [to Gaav] Say, Gaav, did you know what Dynast and I used to call you behind your back?
G: [glare] What.
P: "Puff the Chaos-Dragon!" [kicks legs] HAHAHAHAHAHA...
G: [reaches critical mass] That's it; now I break you in half!! [makes a grab for Phibrizzo]
P: [evasive maneuvers]
G: [gets one leg; gets kicked in the face] [Gaav & Phibrizzo go down in a giant tussle behind the row of guests - the Hellmaster's holding his own]
[end credits/theme]
P: You want a piece of me, Puff!?
[other guests are looking rather uncomfy]
X: Erm... Well, it looks like we're out of guests ... and out of time, so -
G: OW OW OW!! No hair-pulling!
X: - If you have questions, comments, random topic ideas [a dust cloud rises slowly behind him] or want to watch from the audience -
P: HAHAHAHA-AACK - brute! You're crushing me!
X: - You can email the Xellos Show c/o Executive Producer Renfield, and tune in next week, when we bring you [whips out another index card & reads] [grin] the "Slayers Beefcake Special!" It's a must-see! [wink]
G: You little brat - I'll pop your neck!
P: Pop this, dead git!
X: Gee, they really are brothers...
G: OW, my nose!!