[opening credits/theme: instrumental vignette of "Radio" (Smashmouth)]
[hyperactive applause; audience is entirely sex-demons: incubi, succubi, lorelei, lamia and hentai. The stage & catwalks are bordered with hurricane fencing and barbed wire. Rabidcow is looking more than a little disturbed in the Betareader's throne]
[no one is on stage, until]
Xellos: [teleports in, front and center, with microphone and plum-black suit] [grin] Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Slayers Beefcake Special! on today's show, which is once again brought to us by Hellmaster Phibrizzo [whips out index card & reads] "Ask us about the new, improved Hellmaster 2000!" [flings card over his shoulder] - But I bet you want to see the guests first, right?
Audience: [screams of assent & impatience]
X: [grin] I thought so! Our first beefcake today is a tall, blond mercenary, whose memory is shorter than his hair - no one knows where he's from, and he can't remember where he's going - give us: Gourry Gabriev! [cues offstage right]
Gourry: [is shoved onstage] Oof!
Audience: [goes nuts]
X: Hi, Gourry, have a seat! We've got some questions to ask you.
Gourry: [sits warily] You don't have Volun here today, do you?
X: No, I'm afraid not. But could you tell us -
Gourry: [scarlet blush/staring at ceiling]
X: [looks up at ceiling; prods Gourry] Erm, Gourry? [confused; looks around/sights problem]
Audience: [Hentai Box: Stacy has whipped off her top to display Gourry's name elaborately airbrushed across her chest in brilliant, eye-catching colors, and is waving vigorously]
[camera goes for a close-up]
[sound of cameraman smacked upside the head by Exec. Producer]
X: [frowns at audience: Stacy isn't alone] People, if you don't keep your clothes on, there won't be any more guests!
Audience: awwww... [much pouting]
X: That's better... Now, Gourry, how long have you been a mercenary?
Gourry: [baffled] Oh, gee... [starts counting on fingers] I guess - since I was sixteen. That's when they give you a license.
X: And you've got an awful lot of muscles, haven't you? I bet even your muscles have muscles.
Gourry: I wouldn't know about that...
X: You wouldn't? Is that because of the muscle between your ears?
Gourry: [rubs neck] Between my ears? I don't think I have a muscle there... Have you got one?
X: Hahahaha, not me, Gourry, but maybe our next guest: he's a major headcase, ex-bounty hunter out of Sairaag, and the new king of a country that technically doesn't exist! Bring on: Zangulus mel Zoana! [cues offstage left]
Audience: [hyperactive applause]
[small ruckus offstage]
Zangulus: [is propelled onstage, looking cranky] They took my sword!!
X: Yes, weapons aren't allowed on the set. [shows Zangulus to his seat]
Zan: I'd better get it back later! And what was that about me being a headcase?
X: Did I say that? This show is about your being a beefcake.
Zan: [pause] But I'm married!
X: Well, you know what they say about forbidden fruit...
Audience: [goes nuts]
Zan: [small blush] Hey, now -
X: Can you tell us why you're so obsessed with dueling, Mr. Zangulus? You're not trying to compensate for some inadequacy, are you?
Audience: oooooh
Zan: [medium blush] Of course not!
X: Oh, yes, I forgot; most of your dueling was done before you got married. I suppose it was simply a convenient outlet for your ... frustration, no?
Zan: [scarlet blush] Now, wait just a minute! Swordplay is an art -
X: Yes, we understand, Zangulus [smirk/grin] ... And so does our next guest; he's a brawny redhead and dark lord whose hobbies include kendo, torture, and crochet - let's have: Chaos-Dragon Gaav! [cues back of studio]
Audience: [goes nuts] [wolf-whistles from Esis]
Gaav: [comes down catwalk with a big smirk]
[the hurricane fencing holds]
Zan: Hold on - he's a dark lord?? How are we supposed to compete with that?
X: Compete for what? Aren't you married?
Zan: Um ... nevermind... [sits quietly]
Gaav: [removes trench coat & drapes it over a chair] Crochet?? [he's built like a TANK]
X: Thanks for coming back on the show, Lord Gaav.
Gaav: Well, thanks for having a show about me. [starts flexing for audience]
X: You know, there are other guests -
Gaav: Yes, it's a pity no one will look at them. [more flexing]
Audience: [sex-demons & Esis] oooooh
Gaav: [grin] Ever wonder what drove Deep-Sea Dolphin mad? It's right here - [pose/flex]
X: Lord Gaav, how much do you bench?
Gaav: [grin] Four hundred kilos. [flex] Did you know, I've been in six bodybuilding magazines...
X: Really. So, how is it, Lord Gaav, that a small child was able to royally kick your muscle-bound butt last week?
Gaav: [ceases flexing] [blush/glare] Well, he was another dark lord, of course. - And he fought dirty, too...
X: - And I suppose he had experience from the last time he whupped your ass...
Gaav: [Death Glower]
X: Lord Gaav, if you'd just sit down for a moment, we might take some questions from the audience - [seats Gaav]
Audience: [goes nuts again]
X: [teleports through hurricane fencing] You with the piercings - what's your question?
Yuri: Um, where's Valgaav? [grin] He's a hottie!
X: [addresses offscreen] Where's Valgaav?
Gaav: [mutters] Yes, I wondered that...
Renfield: [offscreen] He can't come on the show until I've seen TRY.
Audience: awwww [more pouting]
Audience: [Hentai Box] [muffled shouting]
X: [teleports closer] What's that? You'll have to speak up -
[more garbled yells from Hentai Box]
X: I'm sorry; I don't understand -
Libby-chan: [whips out enormous bullhorn] Ahem - We want Zelgadis!
Audience: [sudden frenzy] WE WANT ZEL! WE WANT ZEL! WE WANT ZEL! [et cetera]
X: [looks at camera & offscreen] Can we do that?
R: [offscreen] Incoming!
Zelgadis: aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAGH - [plummets straight through ceiling & head-on into Gaav]
[CRASH]
Gaav: [knocked over backwards] Ow, ow, ow, ow... [shoves chair upright & rubs his head] [much wincing]
Zel: [very stunned] ... mommy?
Gaav: Get off! [shoves Zel off his lap] Dammit - [holding his head again]
Gourry: [helping Zel up] Gee, Zel, are you all right?
Zel: [disoriented] Gourry? I think I hit my head...
Gourry: [helps seat Zel]
X: [returns to stage] Well, I never would have guessed it myself, but apparently there are fans who consider you beefcake, Zelgadis - do you have anything to say to them?
Zel: [holding his head] Not now, Xellos; I have a headache.
X: [very slow grin at audience & camera] [smirk]
Audience: [yaoi fans go nuts]
X: That's one I've heard before... Now, can anyone tell me what our guests have in common, besides being beefcake? [teleports through fencing again] Yes, you in the rubber thong and pasties -
Orallee: [grin] They're all wearing too much!
Danie-chan: [grabs Libby-chan's bullhorn] TAKE IT OFF!!
Audience: [mayhem] TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF! [et cetera]
Gaav: [grin] Okay! [stands up/shreds shirt] How's that, eh? [resumes flexing] I'm single, you know...
Zan: [removes hat]
Zel & Gourry: [look at each other]
Audience: [just loving Gaav]
X: [back onstage] [to Gaav, but behind him] You were teased as a child, weren't you - ?
Zel: [wincing slightly] Xellos, haven't you forgotten someone?
X: Huh? Who?
Zel: If there are fans in the audience that consider me beefcake, isn't it also likely that there are some who see you as a stud?
Zan: [comes up behind Gaav & taps him for attention; silently indicates Xellos]
Gaav: [very sly look] [follows Zangulus to flank Xellos]
X: But, I'm not actually beefcake; I'm really more of an androgynous -
Audience: [Xellos has fans]
Zan: - And you're the one wearing a necktie...
X: [wandering behind the row of chairs] [guests follow ominously] But I'm the host! It's my show! I -
Zel: [to audience] What do you think - is Xellos wearing too much?
Audience: [deafening response] YES!! TAKE IT OFF!!
Gaav: Right!
X: Eep!
[Gaav, Zel, and Zangulus grab Xellos & dogpile on him] [tearing sounds]
Gourry: [blows a spit-bubble in his sleep]
X: Aagh! - That was expensive! Let go! I have to host -
Zel: Hold him, Gaav -
[much flailing, more tearing sounds]
X: My shirt! Hey -
[dogpile collapses on itself]
X: [teleports in at front/center of stage, w/microphone, but w/o shirt]
[zips up hastily] [grin]
Audience: awwww...
Audience: [Hentai Box: Danie-chan & Archess Shi] Damn!
X: [grin] I'm sorry about that, folks - but it looks like we're out of time again, so if you have questions or comments -
Zel, Zan & Gaav: [advancing on Xellos again]
X: [wary] - Or want to be part of the audience - [evasive maneuvers up the catwalk] - contact the Xellos Show c/o Executive Producer Renfield! [is chased offscreen]
[end credits/theme: "Come On Come On" (Smashmouth)]
Audience: [Hentai Box: Stacy has disrobed again & is bouncing up & down {good LORD} to get Gourry's attention] [gets Gaav's attention instead; makes a rude face at him] [Esis pushes Stacy aside & makes a grab for Gaav]
Audience: [reeeally stressing the hurricane fencing]
X: [teleports in, right up close to camera] Tune in next week, when we bring you "Taboo Magic!"
[hurricane fencing surrenders] [chaos ensues]
X: [grin/wave] Bye, now!