[opening credits/theme: short version of "Memphis Exorcism" (SNZ)]
[applause; audience is mixed: lurkers, Slayworld residents, & a few still-hopeful leftover sex-demons. There's an "Out to Lunch" sign in the Betareader's throne; it's taped to Rabidcow's forehead]
[Rezo, Lina, Halciform & Copy Rezo are already seated onstage, in that order, w/radio mikes. Rezo & Copy are rather deliberately not looking at each other]
Xellos: [teleports in, front & center, w/microphone & purply-blackish-purple suit] Hello, everyone, and welcome back to the Xellos Show, which continues to be brought to us by Hellmaster Phibrizzo, who is [whips out index card & reads] "Not only the ruler of the underworld, but also a resident!" [winces/flings card over his shoulder] - And on today's show we'll be taking a look at /taboo magic/ - [cue dramatic storyteller lighting] - spells so powerful, so lethal, so blood-chillingly horrible as to have been shunned or prohibited outright by any semblance of an ethical, upstanding, moralistic society. [end dramatic lighting] [grin] So I'm hoping we can get a demonstration in today!
Guests: [exasperation & eye-rolling]
X: [approaches left end of row] Our first guest today with no regard for civilization as we know it, is none other than Rezo, the Red Priest -
Audience: [applause] [wolf-whistles from Sarah PIC]
X: [next to Rezo] So, Red Priest, tell us a bit about your most impressive achievement in the black arts.
Rezo: [chagrin] Don't they already know? Haven't we been over this before?
X: Well, not in excruciating detail...
R: [sigh] I resurrected one-seventh of Shabranigdo.
Copy Rezo: [looks stunned]
X: Wow - would you care to show us how you did it?
R: It's not really the kind of trick you can do twice.
X: Well, just tell us, then.
R: [sigh] Well, it involved the Philosopher's Stone and a huge magic circle...
X: [waits] Is that all?
R: Well, half the spell I had to make up myself. I doubt it would work for anyone else.
X: Oh, that's right - Shabranigdo was sealed inside you, wasn't he?
CR: [utterly floored]
R: [frown/nod]
X: [whistles] That's some alter-ego!
R: [irked] He wasn't an -
X: - Red Priest, would you mind telling us what led you from healing the masses to terrorizing them?
R: [miffed] Yes, I would mind.
Lina: [pats Rezo] [to Xellos] Do you mind? It's still a sensitive area!
X: Say no more! [to audience] Just welcome our next guest, Miss Lina Inverse! [stands behind Rezo & Lina]
Audience: [big cheers] [Zoe & Libby-chan] yaay!
L: [waves at Linafans]
X: Miss Lina, I understand black magic is your specialty?
L: [grin] Yep!
X: Haven't you been experimenting lately in a field beyond black magic?
L: That would be nightmare magic; and I'm not really experimenting anymore...
X: Why's that?
L: Well, it's just too powerful; if I miscast the Giga-slave, for example, it could kinda sorta destroy the whole world...
X: - And that would be a bad thing?
L: [dismayed] Man, I'd never live it down!
X: But you've cast the spell before, haven't you?
L: Well, yes, but it's really a last-desperate-resort type of spell. Like, if someone else is already trying to destroy the world - [shrug] That's the only scenario I've used it for, so far...
X: [snaps fingers] That's right! You used it to annihilate Rezo-Shabranigdo, didn't you?
L: [skritches nose] Um ... yes...
X: Wow [to Rezo] - can you tell us what it's like on the wrong end of a Giga-slave, Red Priest?
R: All I can tell you is, you certainly don't stay there long...
X: What was Shabranigdo's opinion?
R: He was rather put out at first, but I think he was impressed toward the end of it.
X: And you don't bear a grudge against Lina?
R: My goodness, no! Death is highly preferable to possession by Shabranigdo; and besides ... [skritches ear/fidgets] death by Giga-slave ... [cough] [squirm] is actually ... [small blush] kinda cool, really...
CR: [sigh]
L: [grin]
X: Any other nightmare magic up your sleeves, Miss Lina? Or are you still working on it?
L: Well ... there's the Ragna Blade ... but I really prefer not to use nightmare magic if I can help it; it's a real drain...
X: Oh, too bad about that. [grin] But speaking of draining - I'm told our next guest has some experience in that area - he's the late ex-director of the Atlas mage guild - What was your name again?
Halciform: [head in hand] Halciform.
X: And what prompted the mage guild to expel you?
H: [head still in hand] [sigh] They had the impression that I was conducting immortality research.
X: Weren't you?
H: No, I was trying to resurrect my deceased fiancee. It's completely different.
X: Is it? What method were you using?
H: [sigh] The dead ... have never been successfully raised -
X: [Looks at camera] [blink]
H: - So all I had to work from was a record of failures; [cue dramatic lighting] I'd have to make a completely new spell to harness and direct the essential human life-force necessary. It occurred to me while I was stabilizing her body in a chamber of magically charged electrolytic fluid, to create a web of pools filled with a similar liquid, but designed to sap life rather than imbue it, and transfer the the condensed vital essence -
L: [bone-cracking yawn]
[end dramatic lighting]
X: Did you try leaving her on the roof during a thunderstorm?
H: Whaat?
X: But I suppose the neck-bolts would have been a turn-off...
H: [exasperation] What are you talking about??
X: Nothing, nevermind - I understand you once had some business dealings with a mazoku?
H: Yes, I took the pledge of immortality...
X: So, you were conducting immortality research?
H: [PO'ed] No!! I was trying to raise the dead!
X: And did you?
H: [head in hand] I'd rather not discuss it...
X: [grin] Tsk - dumped you, did she?
H: [head still in hand] [scowl] NO.
X: [pats Halciform] [grin] That's all right; we understand. Our final guest on the show today [stands behind Halciform & Copy Rezo] is - [pause] [looks at Copy Rezo/Rezo/Copy/Rezo/Copy] I say, you're not twins, are you?
R & CR: OF COURSE NOT.
L: [great exasperation] Didn't you watch the first season??
X: Why? I wasn't in it. [consults index card] You are Mr. Copy Rezo, yes?
CR: If you like.
X: And what did you do to earn yourself ostracism?
CR: Let's see ... I blew up Sairaag...
R: [wince]
X: [grin] That's not all, I hope?
CR: ... Then I bonded with the demon-beast Zanaffar.
R: [sudden headache]
X: Did you raise Zanaffar, as well?
CR: No, Eris did that.
R: [very bad headache]
X: I see. Would you mind telling us about this bonding process?
[sighting laser fixes on his face]
Audience: [Xellos Hardcore: Esis & Danie-chan] eek!
CR: It was almost entirely astral; there wasn't much to see -
X: [shifts weight slightly/loses laser-sight]
[silenced bullet ricochets off Copy Rezo's staff] ping [into the side of Halciform's skull]
H: [head in hand] OW.
Audience: [Xellos Hardcore; esp. Archess Shi] phew!
Audience: [Mystix] [faintly] damn!
CR: What was that?
X: I'm not sure - [looks around quickly]
L: [alarm/concern] Halciform, are you all right?
H: [sigh] I'm dead. I doubt my condition will worsen.
X: Copy Rezo, how exactly did you demolish Sairaag?
CR: It was very simple; I just used an ordinary Mega-brand - only I amplified it by a factor of one thousand...
X: Really? Will you show us how you did that?
Audience: [much anxiety]
CR: Um ... I don't think so.
R: [migraine]
X: [pout] Oh, well... Sorry to disappoint, folks, but it looks like we've run out of guests - and time, so those of you with questions, comments, random topic ideas or bribes can contact the Xellos Show c/o Executive Producer Renfield - and don't miss us next week, when we bring you [whips out index card & reads] [big grin] haha - the Slayers Cheesecake Special!
Audience: [sex-demons] YAAAY!!
X: [wink] See you then! [grin/wave]
[end credits/theme: instrumental version of "Bad Businessman" (SNZ)]