[opening credits/theme: "Then the Morning Comes" (Smashmouth)]
[hyperactive applause; audience is almost entirely sex-demons. The stage & catwalks are bordered with hurricane fencing and barbed wire. Rabidcow is in the Betareader's throne sporting an enormous pair of binoculars, and Nobuyuki Masaki is still tweaking his /very/ high-tech camcorder]
[stage is vacant, until]
Xellos: [teleports in, front & center, w/microphone and purple-black suit] [grin] Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Slayers Cheesecake Special! Which is, as we are almost every week, graciously sponsored by Hellmaster Phibrizzo [whips out index card & reads] "Toying with the dead for over a thousand years." [flings card over his shoulder] - And on today's show we'll be taking a nice, close look at Slayers cheesecake [grin] - that's right: the babes!
Audience: [deafening cheers]
Audience: [Danie-chan] [pout/sulk]
X: - But before we start, and before anyone gets fried, management would like me to point out that the fencing this week is electrified. [grin] Yes! Our first delicate morsel today prays to a demon no one's ever heard of; her hobbies include revenge, brass racquets and trying to rebuild her kingdom - please welcome: Martina mel Zoana Navritalova!
Audience: [applause]
Martina: [trips regally down catwalk, waving] [trips less regally] [splat] oof!
X: [helps her up] Haha - still in one piece, Ms. Martina?
Mar: [yank] Hands off me, mazoku! [brushes off]
X: You're welcome, Ms. Martina; would you care to tell us your measurements?
Mar: Well, they're [blink] none of your business! What kind of a question is that??
X: Well, then, would you tell us a bit about your patron demon? Mar: Oh, yes; I'm a dedicated follower of the Monstrous Zoamelgustar, and I hope someday to successfully resurrect him -
X: And where did you first hear of the Monstrous Zoamelgustar?
Mar: [grin] I made him up myself!
X: [to camera] [grin] So, she's more than just a pretty face! [subtle bats-in-belfry gesture] [to Martina] What does your husband think?
Mar: [syrupy] Oh, he's very supportive...
X: Well, I'd expect so; he's as daft as you are.
Mar: What did you say?
X: Ms. Martina, what's your bra size? [gets slapped]
Mar: [storms over to chairs] [seats herself in a huff]
X: Well, thank you for sharing, Ms. Martina! [grin] Our next guest today is a former shrine maiden, personally educated by the Red Priest himself! [suggestive look] She likes to copy people in her spare time, and seems to have only one name - please welcome: Miss Eris!
Audience: [goes nuts]
Eris: [descends catwalk 2] [ice-maiden impression]
X: Now, Miss Eris, when did you stop being a shrine maiden?
E: [frosty] When I left the shrine to search for Rezo.
X: Was that when you started wearing a leather minidress?
E: More or less.
X: What size is it? [gets slapped] I mean, would you mind telling us why you copied Rezo the Red Priest?
E: [dewy & nostalgic] Because I couldn't resurrect him.
X: But, what was your intent & purpose for this copy?
E: I needed him to help me get revenge on Lina Inverse. He was very helpful to me in discovering Rezo's legacy.
X: [eyeballs camera] Oh, is that all.
E: [very frosty] Are you implying something?
X: [innocent look] Me? Miss Eris, didn't that costume come with a whip? [gets slapped again] [grin] - But what would you need a whip for?
E: [magnitude 4.5 snub] Ask me something else.
X: Will you tell us your measurements?
E: [snaps] Of course not, you pervert!!
X: [is struck by the 16-ton weight] [CRASH]
E: [turns on her heel] [seats self beside Martina]
X: [climbs out from under weight] [slightly shaky] Where did that come from?
Renfield: [offscreen] Whups, I forgot to tell you; it's an old gag I'm using for this show only. You get the 16-ton weight whenever someone calls you a pervert -
E & Mar: [mutual smirking]
R: - Justifiably.
E & Mar: [pout]
[16-ton weight removed via trapdoor]
X: Isn't it kind of an old gag?
R: Better than an anvil.
X: Touche! [to audience] Our third cheesecake on today's show also seems to have only one name - because she's a mazoku! Please welcome: Gaav's faithful minion, Mazenda!
Audience: [applause]
Mazenda: [teleports in right next to Xellos] [waves at audience]
Audience: [some flash photography]
X: [grin] Welcome to the show, Miss Mazenda - would you mind telling us your measurements?
Maz: [slight anxiety] Gee, I don't even know my measurements.
X: [grin] That's all right, we'll just use our imaginations. [wink]
Audience: [drooool]
X: Now, Miss Mazenda, you're more than just one of Gaav's followers, am I right? Aren't you actually one of his creations?
Maz: [grin] Absolutely, Xellos; that's where I got this wonderful hair... [preens]
Audience: [more photography] [sound of zoom lenses]
X: - But weren't you originally created as a succubus?
Audience: [big cheers]
Maz: [shock] O-of course not! What a rediculous idea -
X: Really? I think your old comrades in the audience would tell us differently - [gestures toward audience]
Audience: [incubi] s'right! [smirks] [waving/winking/kiss-blowing]
X: [grin] 'Fess up, Mazenda; in his overwhelming egotism, Gaav made you as a bedwarmer! [gets slapped]
Maz: I think it's time to change the subject.
X: [holding jaw] Quite right - I'd like to request one small favor from you, Miss Mazenda, on behalf of our brave audience today...
Maz: [sigh] Yes?
X: Would you mind undoing that top button? [gestures at her cleavage]
Audience: pleeeeze...
Maz: [looks cross] Would you mind if I reverted to my true demonic form? Then I wouldn't have to wear clothes at all.
Audience: [drooool] [wracked with indecision]
X: I don't think that will be necessary, Miss Mazenda; won't you take a seat? [seats Mazenda] [to audience] And now, for the star guest of today's special; her hobbies include stealing treasure, making golems, and drinking anyone under the table - please welcome: Nahga the Serpent!
Audience: [goes nuts]
Nahga: [bounces down catwalk] [smirk/wave] Hi, there!
Audience: [some electrocution casualties]
E: [mutters] That trollop! She's wearing my epaulettes! [scowl]
N: [deliberately ignores Eris]
X: Hello, Miss Nahga; it's a pleasure to have you ... [distracted] - on the show today!
N: [grin] Thank you; I'm just glad I could make it. [winks at audience]
Audience: [more cheers] [drooool]
X: Miss Nahga, would you mind ... [hooter hypnosis] would you mind .... Would you tell us your measurements?
N: Hohoho; no, but I might tell you my number. [much flirting]
Audience: [rustling of little black books]
X: I don't think this is the time or place, Miss Nahga.
N: Ohoho, you're just like all the other men, aren't you? [grin/smirk] You talk as if you're good to go, but when the woman makes a move, you run like rabbits! [starts laughing] {we'll spare you}
X: Hahahahaha shut up.
Audience: [holding ears]
N: [continues laughing]
Mar: [holding ears] Make her stop - make her stop!
X: [raising voice] Miss Nahga, will you shut your face, please?
N: [continues laughing; oblivious]
X: Right! [goes for her radio mike, fastened to the jewel on the front of her top]
N: Huh? [laughs harder]
[radio mike is stuck]
X: [growing anxious] [yanks mike off sharply] There!
N: OHHHOHO - [jewel breaks off under strain] [stops laughing]
Nahga's bust: BOINGG
X: Oh, my -
Audience: [deafening cheers] [much flash photography]
camera: [tight zoom-in on Nahga's bust]
[sound of cameraman brained w/a fire extinguisher] [KLONGG]
N: [grabs bosom] WAAAAAAH!! [beetred blush] [runs offstage right, in tears]
X: Oh, dear. [picks up broken jewel-catch] [addresses offscreen] Can we get another shirt for Miss Nahga?
N: [faintly, offstage] [sob, snifl] I'm not going out there again!
E: [mutters] At least she's not laughing...
[LARGE explosion offstage left]
X: What was that!?
R: [offscreen] That would be your Surprise Mystery Guest.
X: [addresses offscreen] But - there wasn't one scheduled! [small panic]
R: - All the more surprising then, ne?
[smoke/dust clears]
Lina: [climbs over rubble heap] [righteous wrath mode]
Audience: [wild cheers from Chu, Libby-chan, & Archess Shi] [the rest are stunned]
L: You've got a lot to answer for, Xellos! I saw what you did to Nahga just now; that was just plain mean!
E & Mar: [smirk] PERVERT!
[cue 16-ton weight] [CRASH]
L: [blink] What was that?
E: [laughs] It's an old gag.
X: [climbs out from under weight] M-Miss Lina, I assure you it was entirely accidental - I wasn't responsible for -
L: [approaches Xellos] Well, that may actually be the case, Xellos, but you have a much worse insult to explain now! [hauls him up by the necktie] [snarl] Why wasn't I invited on this show??
Audience: [cricket chirps]
X: [nervous] Well, M-Miss Lina, all the guests on this Special are a C-cup or higher...
L: [fangy snarl] What's that supposed to mean?
X: [very nervous] [meek voice] Your, um ... endowment ... was considered [cough] insufficiently, um...
N: [yells from offstage, w/o mike] He's right! You've got no chest!
Audience: ohhh no...
L: FIREBALL! [sets off a few sprinklers]
E, Mar & Maz: [ladylike applause]
X: Ow ... Miss Lina, if you'd reconsider, I'm sure our audience would like to hear -
R: [offscreen] Sorry, Xellos, your time is up again.
X: [panic] No, it isn't! We can still fit her in!
[closing credits/theme: "Diggin' Your Scene" (Smashmouth)]
X: [frees necktie] There's still time!
Maz: [smirk] Run, Xellos!
L: Dill Brand!
X: Aack! [runs up catwalk]
L: Flare Arrow! [chases Xellos offscreen] Fireball!!
Audience: ohhh no...
[more sprinklers go off; fencing shorts out] [1/3 of audience electrocuted]
Maz: [to Martina] So, who does your hair?
L: [offscreen, faintly] [PO'ed] Where'd he go?
X: [teleports in, front & center, extra crispy] [painful grin] So, if you have questions, comments, ideas or ticket requests, you can still email us c/o Executive Producer Renfield. And tune in next week, for "My Evil Twin!" [cough] Unless we've been canceled.
L: [offscreen, but much closer] FIREBALL!