[opening credits/theme: short version of "Memphis Exorcism" (SNZ)]
[applause; audience is mixed: lurkers, Slayworld residents, & Sally Jessie refugees. Rabidcow is in the Betareader's throne, /not paying attention/.]
onstage set: small signs of renovation & restoration
[Lina, Nahga, Rezo, Copy Rezo, Shadow Nahga & Shadow Lina are already seated onstage, in that order, w/radio mikes. Rezo & Copy are having a straange low-key staredown]
Xellos: [teleports in, front & center, w/microphone & purple-black suit] Hello, everyone, and thank you for tuning in to the Xellos Show today. [sober] Before we begin, management would like me to reassure the audience that certain events at the close of the last show were entirely accidental in nature, and will not be repeated in the future. Lina: You mean leaving me off the show, or the electrocutions?
X: [slightly nervous] [consults index card] Um, I believe both errors are accounted for, in this case. [pockets card] People have been asking me, "Xellos, why do you continue to permit such destructive, violent conflict on your show? Don't you assume any responsibility for the damages?"
L: [grin] Reeeally?
X: No. But the truth is, I don't really permit destructive violence, so much as I am completely powerless to prevent it -
Nahga: [chin in hand] - Or so much as you inspire it in the first place.
X: [continuing] - And the fact is, I do have to take some degree of responsibility for the behavior of my guests! [wry grin] There's a reason you haven't seen me sit down since the Pilot episode - !
Audience: [chuckles]
L: [grin] Got spanked, huh?
X: [pout] Shut up.
Audience: [cheers from Danie-chan]
X: [brief scowl] As I was saying, today's show is once more made possible by Hellmaster Phibrizzo [whips out index card] "We bury the competition!" [rolls eyes/flings card over shoulder] Today we're taking a look at Evil Twins, and our first guest with an evil twin is the young lady on the end: Miss Shadow Lina! [stands next to Lina]
L: [frown] No, I'm the original Lina.
X: I wasn't talking to you.
L: [frown] Well, maybe you should stand next to whoever you're interviewing!
X: [glances at shadow-doubles] [hesitates] I'm not going over there.
L: Yes, you are! [gets up/shoves Xellos across set] Now, go!
X: Okay, okay! You don't have to push! [straightens tie, cuffs] [resigns self/stands beside Shadow Lina] Miss Shadow Lina, you're not actually related to your evil twin, are you?
Shadow Lina: [big gooey eyes] No, Mr. Xellos; but Miss Lina isn't evil at all!
X: She isn't?
L: NO.
SL: No, it's only her reputation, Mr. Xellos - she couldn't possibly be the Enemy of All Who Live if she's alive herself!
L: [obvious suffering]
X: Okay - what about your little friend there, Miss Shadow Nahga? Is her twin evil?
N: [smirks]
Shadow Nahga: [BLUSH] [much fidgeting] [whispers to Shadow Lina]
SL: Oh - um, I think she's got stage fright, Mr. Xellos.
N: urk
X: Perhaps you could relay for us, Miss Shadow Lina? Miss Shadow Nahga, is your twin evil, or are you the evil twin?
SN: [BLUSH] [shakes head] [whispers to Shadow Lina/hides under cape]
SL: She says no.
X: No to what?
SL: She says no one is evil.
N: urk
X: What? Not even me?
SN: [still hiding under cape] [whispers to Shadow Lina] [shakes a bit]
SL: [grin] [big gooey eyes] Mr. Xellos, she thinks you're cute!
Audience: [Xellos Hardcore agrees; esp. Archess Shi]
N: [CHOKE] [goes comatose]
X: [looks ill] That's ... so ... sweet. [stands behind Rezo & Copy] Our next evil twin - if we have one - is one of these two men: either Rezo, the Red Priest, or Copy Rezo.
Audience: [general applause] [Stri waves at camera]
X: If you'll forgive me for repeating myself - which of you is the evil twin?
Rezo & Copy Rezo: [glaring at each other] He is!
X: [some exasperation] Well, thanks for clearing that up. What are you basing this assessment on?
CR: [glare] He resurrected Shabranigdo!
R: [counterglare] You destroyed Sairaag!
X: [interrupting] Well, that certainly sounds evil, but what I suppose I must point out is that unlike the duplicated ladies, Copy Rezo was meant to be an exact replica of the original, rather than his opposite - correct?
CR: [nods]
X: Therefore, the only way an exact copy could be an evil twin, is if the evil was already inherent in the original, which would mean -
R: [interrupts] Stop slandering me! I've got centuries of healing and white magic research behind me, and all I'm remembered for is the resurrection of a dark lord, and an unhinged copy who ran amuck!
CR: [glare/snarl] Oho, if you thought that was "amuck - " [stands up]
R: [stands up] Are you threatening me?
R & CR: [powering up]
X: [small panic] [whimper] Lina, help!
L: [sigh] Sit down, both of you.
R & CR: Yes, ma'am! [sitting quickly] [glaredown continues]
X: As I was about to say, the idea of any human being entirely -
R: [to Copy Rezo] You've got some nerve, calling me evil.
X: [nervous] Um...
CR: [glares at Rezo] You took hostages.
R: [counterglare] You tried to destroy Flagoon.
CR: You enslaved your own offspring with black magic!
R: [snaps] I was inhabited by Ruby-Eye Shabranigdo, in case you hadn't noticed!
CR: Hah! And I was under the influence of Eris.
R: You killed Eris!
CR: [snaps] I only killed her body! - You killed her soul!
X: [quietly hiding behind Lina]
R: [sneer] I did no such thing, copy!
CR: Hypocrite!
R: Toy!
CR: Tool!!
R: Lackey!!
Both: PAWN! [blink] Ohhh... [realization/more blinking]
X: [smirk] Take that, Phil Donahue!
CR: I think we should go for coffee after the show.
R: Good idea...
SL: [overcome; hugging Shadow Nahga] Ohhh, isn't reconciliation beautiful?
SN: [overcome; hugging Shadow Lina] Why can't you and I be like that, Miss Nahga?
N: [still comatose]
X: [rubs back of head] Oh dear - are we out of guests?
L: Ahem! [indicates herself & Nahga]
X: Oh yes. Ladies, gentlemen, and others: Miss Lina Inverse and Nahga the Serpent.
Audience: [big cheers] [applause]
N: [blinkblink] Huh? [waking up]
X: [grin] Don't you have a sister, Miss Lina?
L: [anxious] Yes......
X: [grin] Isn't she at least the tiniest bit evil?
L: [very nervous] [big fake grin] I don't know what you're talking about, Xellos. We're not twins, in any case.
X: But, aren't you absolutely terrified of your brutal older sister? She sounds pretty evil to me -
L: [sweating bullets] [huge fake grin] Wherever did you get that impression, Xellos? I love my big sister.
X: She's watching right now, isn't she?
L: [enormous fake grin] Xellos, would you like to be able to sit down again someday?
X: [glance at camera] [sigh] Yes, I would.
L: [still grinning] Well, so would I. So shut up.
X: Um, Miss Nahga, don't you have a sister?
N: [groans to self] We won't be discussing her.
X: Miss Nahga -
N: - I only came on the show today to let you know that I'm going to get you, Xellos.
X: "Get" me?
N: [nods] For what you did to me on the last show, I'm going to take a nice big chunk of revenge out of you. [grin] No one relishes just desserts like Nahga the Serpent! [starts laughing]
X: Damn, not again. [to Lina] How do you shut her up?
L: [wearing earplugs] What?
SL & SN: [wincing/holding ears] We're glad she's happy...
N: [still laughing]
CR: [holding ears] Someone, make her stop!
R: I'll handle this. [cold-cocks Nahga w/his staff] [WHACK]
N: [stops laughing]
All: [sigh of relief]
X: [grin] Well, it looks as if we're out of time again, but if you have questions, comments, complaints, compliments, condiments, ideas or ticket requests, you can contact the Xellos Show c/o Executive Producer Renfield; and be sure to catch us next week, when we'll be bringing you [consults index card] [grin] "Magic Beauty Secrets!" [wave] See you then!
[closing credits/theme: instrumental version of "Bad Businessman" (SNZ)]
CR: Does anyone else want to go for coffee?
N: [snore]