[opening credits/theme]
[applause; audience is mixed: lurkers, Slayworld residents & assorted minor mazoku. Rabidcow is in the Betareader's throne, examining his shave in a hand mirror]
[Lina, Zelgadis, Kanzeil, Seigram & Noonsa are seated onstage, in that order, w/radio mikes]
Xellos: [teleports in, front & center, w/microphone & purple-black suit] [grin] Hello, everyone, and welcome back to the Xellos Show! Which is still brought to us by Hellmaster Phibrizzo [whips out index card & reads] [grin] "Over one billion souls tormented!" [flings card over shoulder] And on today's show, we'll be exposing Magic Beauty Secrets! - starting with our first guest here on the right: [goes to stand beside Noonsa] Noonsa the fish-man!
Audience: [wild cheers - all from Danie-chan]
X: Mr. Noonsa, is it true that you're the most handsome individual in your tribe?
Noonsa: [pout] Well, it was true - until Zelgadis killed me!
X: Tsk - got a grudge there, hmm? Do you suppose he was jealous of your looks?
N: [folds arms] I think he wanted Miss Lina all to himself!
Zelgadis: [blush] It wasn't like that! I had to keep her from drowning!
X: Drowning, Mr. Noonsa?
N: Well, I can't live indefinitely on land, and apparently Miss Lina can't survive long underwater. Such was the tragedy of our love!
Lina: [cringe] We never had a love!
N: [sniff] That's because you so callously trampled my most tender affections!
X: Mr. Noonsa, why couldn't you find yourself a girlfriend from within your own tribe?
N: Oh, they all looked like fish. None of them were as enticingly thin and flat and red as Miss Lina -
L: [turning a bit redder] Are you looking to get torched again, fish-face?
N: [to Xellos] Why wasn't I on your Unrequited Love episode?
X: Let's face it, Noonsa - you're grotesque.
N: Oh, thank you.
X: Sitting next to Mr. Noonsa is a mazoku with such a countenance, he was once in the habit of wearing a mask every single day. Mr. Seigram, what happened to your mask?
Seigram: It was destroyed.
X: Pity, it really suited you. So, would you mind telling us exactly what these gross red things are? [pokes Seigram]
S: Those? Well, they're ... ahh ... um... [pokes self]
X: You don't know, do you?
S: [shakes head]
X: Can you tell us why you don't have any legs, Mr. Seigram?
S: I'm supposed to be an intimidating flying mazoku. We just look spookier without legs.
X: I see. So why are your arms all bandaged - and what's the deal with that motheaten mantle? Did your whole costume come out of a dumpster?
Z: [mutters] This is a beauty special?
X: [in response] [very perky] Indeed it is! And it has come to my attention, Mr. Seigram, that you are long overdue for [grin] a nice makeover! [cues wardrobe goons]
S: What? A makeover?
X: [grin] Yes! We'll fix you up with a new look designed to strike fear into human hearts like never before! [nabs Seigram's mike]
S: [faintly] I don't understand... [is carried offstage right by wardrobe goons]
X: [grin/waves] Au revoir, Mr. Seigram! [stands beside Kanzeil] Our next guest is another mazoku; Mr. Seigram's fellow conspirator, Mr. Kanzeil!
Audience: [applause from Archess Shi]
Kanzeil: [waves at Shi]
X: Tell us how you get your hair to do that, Mr. Kanzeil - what's your magic beauty secret?
K: [disoriented] How do I get it to do what?
X: [gestures] It's all standing straight up; as if you've just seen Miss Lina in the nude.
L: [very red] HEY!!
X: How's it done, Mr. Kanzeil?
K: [small blush] Actually, it takes a whole bottle of styling gel. Then you have to levitate upside-down for half an hour, until it's dry.
X: Have you ever tried boiling your head?
K: Why would I do that?
X: To see what happens. [shrug] You never know - it might suit you. - How do you keep your skin that interesting shade of blue?
K: That will remain a secret.
X: It will? Weren't your earliest ancestors actually Brau demons?
K: [enraged blush] Who told you?
X: [wink/grin] That is also a secret. [to audience] And sitting on Mr. Kanzeil's right is our other guest with some Brau demon in him; please welcome Mr. Zelgadis Greywords back to the show -
Audience: [thunderous applause] [kiss-blowing from Zelkaholics]
Z: [glares at Xellos]
X: [standing beside Zel] Mr. Greywords, how do you get throngs of women to drool over you like that? What's your secret? They can't all be visually impaired!
Z: [sulk/glower] I refuse to contribute to this derogatory farce.
X: [grin] Oh, really? Would you rather go backstage for a nice makeover?
Z: - Um, no.
X: Then tell us, Mr. Zelgadis, have you ever considered having your hair anodized?
Z: Having it what?
X: - In case you wanted to change it to a more normal color, you know... ...
Z: Oh, a normal hair color like yours?
X: [grin] Actually, my hair color is more paranormal -
L: [mutters] Abnormal. [grin]
Z: I don't think we'll be changing my hair anytime soon.
X: Fair enough. But you have the most unique complexion of the whole cast, Zelgadis; how do you care for skin that's made of stone?
Z: [glower/grumble]
X: I beg your pardon?
Z: [rubs neck] [mutters] Sandpaper.
L & X: Sandpaper?
Z: [blush] #1,000 and #1,200 grit wet/dry sandpaper... - And mineral oil. [blinks at Zelkaholics] Are they taking notes?
X: Well, they do have dozens of little chibis to care for...
Z: [groans]
X: [moving on] Finally, there's our star guest of today's show, Miss Lina Inverse.
Audience: [thunderous applause]
L: [waves at audience]
X: Now, Miss Lina, you're pretty well known for your looks, aren't you?
L: [suspicious] How do you mean?
X: [laughs] Come now, how many times have you played the charming waif in order to weasel your way out of paying a tab?
L: Heh heh ... well, quite a bit, actually...
X: And isn't it true, that the only reason you aren't engaged to a prince right now is because he wasn't attractive enough?
L: [blink] Hey, that's right!
X: Indeed! One question does spring to mind, in connection with the legend of the Bandit-Killing, Dragon-Spooking Lina Inverse, and the rumors of certain of her physical characteristics -
L: [preening] What's that?
X: How do you keep your breasts so small?
L: [eye/fang gleams] I'll show you, Xellos. [powers up] Darkness beyond twilight, crimson beyond blood that flows [stands up] buried in the stream of time -
Z: [distinct alarm] Lina, not indoors!
L: - Is where your power grows -
X: M-Miss Lina, wait! Don't you want to see the results of Seigram's makeover?
L: [blink] Well, I suppose I am a bit curious... [at ease]
X: [addresses offstage] Is Mr. Seigram ready? - You can bring him out now!
[wardrobe goons return Seigram]
All: [GASP]
X: [grin] What a difference! [consults index card] Mr. Seigram's new ensemble is entirely by Felicia's of Saillune Capital. Doesn't it just take your breath away?
{Seigram is wearing: a spacious full-length cowl in rose pink, with ironed ruffles, a pair of long-sleeved lavender riding gloves, a fine ceramic crying-harlequin mask, and a new radio mike}
S: [Death Glower] You will suffer for this, Xellos.
X: [grin] Yes, that's what they all say. But don't you feel like a whole new mazoku?
S: [cracks knuckles] I am inspired, so say the least.
L: [claps hands] Okay, Seigram's back; now we kick your ass. [advances on Xellos]
X: [small panic] You're not going to cast the Dragon Slave in here, are you?
L: [grin] No, of course not. [still advancing]
Z, K & S: [join Lina, menacingly]
K: We're just going to make your hindquarters as purple as your head.
Z: Wouldn't you like to have your own beauty secrets, Xellos?
X: [grin/index finger] I already have a beauty secret!
Others: [pause] Huh? What's that?
X: [grin/index finger] Exercise! And it's already time for my jog, can you believe it? [hightails it offscreen]
L: [to others] Spread out! Don't let him leave the building! [runs after Xellos]
[closing credits/theme]
N: [sigh]
X: [emerges from ranks of Xellos Hardcore] [quietly] Are they gone? [to camera] - Well, I think that's it for this week's show; but if you have questions, comments, secrets, ideas, or want to be in the audience, you can email the Xellos Show c/o Executive Producer Renfield -
Z: [offscreen, far left] Fireball!
X: Whoa! [teleport dodge] Don't forget to tune in next week, when we talk to "Sorcery Experiment Subjects!" See you -
L: [drops straight out of rafters onto Xellos] Gotcha! I'll teach you to make fun of my bust - Digger Bolt!
X: AAIGH!!