[opening credits/theme]
[applause; audience is mixed: lurkers, Slayworld residents, & quite a few perfectly synchronized Vrumugun copies. Rabidcow is in the Betareader's throne, pouring sugar into his Coke]
[Zelgadis, Copy Rezo, Rubia & Vrumugun are seated onstage, in that order, w/radio mikes]
Xellos: [teleports in, front & center, w/microphone & purple-black suit] Hello, everyone, and welcome back to the Xellos Show! - Which is still graciously sponsored by Hellmaster Phibrizzo [whips out index card & reads] "Ask about our Sairaag package tour!" [flings card over shoulder] And today we're talking to actual Sorcery Experiment Subjects - such as everyone's favorite stony blue guy, here on the left - Zelgadis Greywords! [standing next to Zel]
Audience: [thunderous applause] [swooning & flirting from Zelkaholics]
Audience: [Stacy attempts to remove her shirt; is prevented by fellow listians]
X: [grin] Mr. Zelgadis, would you care to enlighten us as to how you came to be in your present condition?
Zelgadis: Well, it's very simple, Xellos; I just woke up this morning and remembered I had to come back on your show.
X: Erm ... that's not really the condition I meant...
Z: [grumpy] It's the only one that changes.
X: [skritches head] Well, let's put it this way; your grandfather the Red Priest is responsible for for making you part rock golem, yes? What can you tell us about his research methods?
Z: He wasn't terribly picky.
X: Well, that much is obvious. But do you have any idea what inspired him to cross a human, a demon, and a golem in the first place?
Z: Probably the fact that a golem is too stupid, and a demon is too hard to control for long.
X: Yes, but why a human? Why not, say, a troll?
Z: Trolls are both stupid and hard to control.
X: Beast men?
Z: Well, I don't mean to offend anyone ... but beast men are generally as sharp as coleslaw.
X: Really? So why did Rezo pick you?
Z: [glare] We both thought he could give me something I wanted ... and it's easier to attach strings to a relative...
X: You mean that beserker-golem spell?
Z: [black glare] We won't be discussing that.
X: [grin] Very well! Have you experienced any difficulties in your life, as a result of Rezo's experimental spell?
Z: Well, let me see; aside from the recurring nightmares and the total inability to show my face in public or get a proper massage, gee, none at all!
X: [small frown] Tsk, you're starting to lose your charm, Zelgadis; sarcasm doesn't suit you.
Z: [smirk] Sorry about that. You must be rubbing off on me.
X: [tweaks Zel's ear] [walks behind Copy Rezo] Our next guest and experimental subject is a copy of the Red Priest himself, Mr. Copy Rezo -
Audience: [polite applause] [squeals from Tochira & Archess Shi]
X: Mr. Copy Rezo, can you tell us a bit about the experiment you were involved in?
Copy Rezo: Which one?
X: Erm, the last one.
CR: Oh, that - I carried out Rezo's original strategy against Shabranigdo by bonding with the demon-beast Zanaffar.
X: And you're sure you won't show us how you did it?
CR: I'm sorry, the facility was destroyed.
X: Could you at least tell us what it was like?
CR: Well, like I've said, it was almost entirely astral, since Zanaffar didn't have a body at the time. Most likely it was the same type of process my predecessor used to bond a demon to Zelgadis.
X: How did it feel, being bonded to Zanaffar like that?
CR: Well, it was ... [smile] really a phenomenal rush.
X: Wow - [to Zel] Is that what you experienced, Mr. Zelgadis?
Z: [crabby] Hardly. We're dealing with two completely different types of demon, here.
X: So, Mr. Copy Rezo, why aren't you still bonded to the demon-beast?
CR: Well, I'm dead, of course -
X: - Are you paying attention, Mr. Zelgadis? You might pick up some useful cure ideas, here.
Z: [Death Glower]
X: - Do go on, Mr. Copy Rezo. What broke your astral bond with Zanaffar?
CR: Basically, I was impaled and pinned to Flagoon with the Blessed Blade, and Zanaffar was reabsorbed by the tree.
X: Well, doesn't that sound fun. [to Zel] Mr. Zelgadis, have you ever wondered what it is in your family line that predisposes you all to demonic possession?
Z: Probably Rezo.
X: [exasperated] Is there anything you don't blame him for?
Z: Let me think... [long pause]
X: Well, while you do that, we can go on to our third experimental subject, Miss Rubia. [proceeds to Rubia] I understand you were experimented on posthumously. Did you leave your body to sorcery research?
Rubia: [shakes head] [soft voice; unintelligible mutters]
X: [sigh] Oh dear, she's a mumbler. Hold on a sec - [leans over to adjust her radio mike] [blatant peep down cleavage] [gets whacked w/Copy Rezo's staff] Ow, what was that for?
CR: [glare] You know very well.
X: [rubs sore spot] Now, Miss Rubia, would you tell us why you were experimented on only after your death?
R: It was my poor sweet Halciform! [cue dramatic lighting, violin music: "Rubia's Theme"] I was killed in an accident while assisting him with a different experiment, and he blamed himself for my death! Driven mad with grief and desperation, he took leave of his moral senses and attempted to revive me with energy drained from innocent victims - even the Atlas City mage guild could not stop him! But when the time came to execute the final phase of the experiment - [violin music: suddenly changes to "Blue Angel"] [end dramatic lighting]
X: [standing behind Rubia; rather carried away w/playing violin] [is struck with: 2 chairs, a sink, a safe, a refrigerator, a rhinoceros, a truck, a yacht & the 16-ton weight]
Z & CR: DON'T MAKE FUN OF THE UNDEAD!!
Audience: [cheers from Danie-chan]
X: [grooan] [crawls out from under truck, yacht, weight/dusts off] So, what you're saying, Miss Rubia, is that your lover kept his girlfriend's dead body in his basement, to experiment on for years after he killed her?
R: Well, it's -
X: You know there's a name for people like that?
R: [cross] Yes, and there's a name for people like you, as well. [rhino, truck, yacht, etc. quietly cleared offstage left]
X: Hahahahaha, aren't you a cutie. Did Halciform's experiment work?
R: [sigh] Not in the way he wanted...
X: What happened?
R: I asked him to kill me, and he incinerated us both.
X: Hm, yes, that usually happens to contaminated laboratory equipment. [gets whacked w/Copy Rezo's staff - repeatedly] Ow, ow, ow, uncle! [knocked down behind chairs]
CR: I warned you, Xellos! [WHACK] Leave her [WHACK] alone!
X: I'll be good! I'll be good!
CR: I should hope so! [seats self] You may proceed.
X: [stands up] [straightens tie/hair] Uh - our final guest on today's show is one of the few people to have ever been copied in mass quantity; please welcome Mr. Vrumugun -
Audience: [synchronized applause from Vrumugun copies]
X: Mr. Vrumugun, can you shed some light on why Miss Eris would have wanted to copy you so many times?
Vrumugun: She required the services of a mercenary mage, and found me adequately proficient in that field.
X: So why did she use the copies instead of you?
V: She had put a bounty on the head of Lina Inverse. My comrade Zangulus had already offered to deal with Gourry Gabriev -
X: I see, and you had to go up against Lina Inverse - who had already disposed of Rezo. But wouldn't the copies have caught on after a while, when none of them returned?
V: I believe at first she only made copies in succession. No copy would have had any indication that it was not alone - until Lina Inverse approached Sairaag, and Eris began producing the copies en masse.
X: But, copying was not the true focus of the experiment, was it?
V: No; Miss Eris was testing her own power and skill at the mind-controlling Puppet spell.
X: I see. And were all your copies as boring as you are?
V: I beg your pardon?
X: Let's face it; you're duller than dishwater. Do your copies share this trait, or simply fall asleep in your presence?
V: Um, I believe most of them are dead...
X: Wow, you're worse than I thought - maybe I should have interviewed one of them, instead.
V: We get together for poker sometimes...
X: Please don't make me imagine that. I think we'd better end the show here, before the ennui reaches potentially hazardous levels.
V: [sigh]
[closing credits/theme]
[stunt rhino provided courtesy of Beastmaster Zelas Metallium]
X: Well, there we are. But if you have questions, comments, ideas, or ticket requests for us, you can contact the Xellos Show c/o Executive Producer Renfield; and be sure to plan your whole week around our next show, [grin] the "Drag Day Special!" [waves] Bye, now! [teleports out]